Do You?
What does our future hold?11 total reviews
Comment from Mabaker
Oh Alie that was so thought provoking. Do we listen. Rarely in our hectic lifestyle have we really time to actually hear what is said? We grunt absently and continue on with what we consider more important. I like this new 'world' perhaps man can survive when wealth and high position mean nothing and listening does become important. Thank you dear Alie Love U Anne.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
  |
Oh Alie that was so thought provoking. Do we listen. Rarely in our hectic lifestyle have we really time to actually hear what is said? We grunt absently and continue on with what we consider more important. I like this new 'world' perhaps man can survive when wealth and high position mean nothing and listening does become important. Thank you dear Alie Love U Anne.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
-
You are so kind Anne, I really appreciated your comments. LOL this came from Jim asking me about something which he had already asked about at least 4 time in the past 24 hours, so I just didn't answer him, so he asked again just in case I didn't hear him and when I didn't answer he then asked why I wasn't talking to him and I simply said 'because you don't bother to listen, so why waste my time.' And I thought it would be a good story if I tweaked it a little lol.
Comment from Bill Schott
This is quite an introduction to this after world regimented society. The color-coding of the age strati creates a color board right in ones brain of the vivid uniforms. I wonder if this is going somewhere or ends with the question of wheteher we are (finally) listening.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
 |
This is quite an introduction to this after world regimented society. The color-coding of the age strati creates a color board right in ones brain of the vivid uniforms. I wonder if this is going somewhere or ends with the question of wheteher we are (finally) listening.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
-
Thank you so much Bill for reading and reviewing, initially it was a one time thing but several have asked the same question as you, so I have to give it some serious thought. I really appreciate and value your comments.
Comment from Pantygynt
This looks as though it is a one-off futuristic article looking at the world as it might be, until, right at the end, a character, Matthew is introduced. at that point i wonder if this is an introductory episode to a longer story.
If it is an article, does it need Matthew? If it is the beginning of a story I would suggest we get Matthew involved much earlier and he could be showing us how he is dressed and what that means. At the moment this is all "tell" - too much "tell" in fact.
The idea behind it is good but let your characters show us the state of play in the brave new world that is being created after that war.
Typo: "Nuclear weapons were initially (threated) threatened"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
 |
This looks as though it is a one-off futuristic article looking at the world as it might be, until, right at the end, a character, Matthew is introduced. at that point i wonder if this is an introductory episode to a longer story.
If it is an article, does it need Matthew? If it is the beginning of a story I would suggest we get Matthew involved much earlier and he could be showing us how he is dressed and what that means. At the moment this is all "tell" - too much "tell" in fact.
The idea behind it is good but let your characters show us the state of play in the brave new world that is being created after that war.
Typo: "Nuclear weapons were initially (threated) threatened"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
-
Thank you so much for taking the time to review and for your great suggestions. I really haven't given it much thought but I was surprised that several others have commented on further additions. Ironically this came to be when someone asked me the same thing three times within a week and my final response was 'don't you listen' and tada the idea. Who knows where it will go and I will do that correction, thanks.
Comment from Jay Squires
You have an engaging first paragraph. Evocative in that you were stingy with content, merely hinting at what the patient reader should discover within. We know only that it is a place and time in the future (sounding a bit Star-War-ish) and the height, weight and attire of an attractive protagonist (we can only now assume) is limned. You did all you needed to do to draw in the curious reader.
And yes I did mention robes. [Comma needed after "yes".]
Those who had or could have flaunted it [I had to read this sentence over a number of times until I understood what you meant. It was owing to your lack of punctuation. You need commas after "had" and "have" to set it apart as a clause. Otherwise, "flaunted" slides right into it without a pause, giving it a meaning you didn't intend.]
while those who did not have nor probably would ever have continued [Same as the above, for the same kind of reason.]
Finally the day came. [Comma after the initial clause, "Finally."]
The food and produce exchange between countries became none existent [... became NON-EXISTENT]
Their numbers and cultural diversity were a few million, [CULTURAL DIVERSITY isn't a numerical entity. "They numbered a few million," is all you can say in that context. You could say something as, "They numbered a culturally diverse few million," but I'm not sure that says what you want.]
To avoid previous problems there was be a dress code [Comma after "problems" ... "... there WOULD BE or WAS a dress code ...]
A similar practice was acknowledged for the various religions but on a regular basis. [Afraid I don't understand what you mean by "on a regular basis."
any of the harmful directives related to religion were illuminated and not allowed. [Could you mean "eliminated" instead of "illuminated?"]
At the age of fifteen it was discovered that he had a unique talent. He could mind link with numerous people anywhere and at any time as could the other council members. [I'm having a bit of a problem understanding the significance of Matthew's "unique talent" if it is shared by all the other council members. Also, how is it so common a talent with the council members? How is it isolated to them (and now Matthew), and not the rest of the population? This would all have to be explained in the story, or it will forever be "an elephant in the room." As I read on to the next, and final paragraph, I see it is partially explained, but it also raised another question: How did the talent of "listening," which was common in the past, lead to their destruction?]
You are a gifted writer, and I'm sure you will have answers to these dilemmas as the plot unfolds. I hope this will be an ongoing story.
I would like to have seen Matthew travails and adventures be the storyline with the history to have been the backstory, spread out over the novel.
When my reviews stretch out as long as this, I usually have to deduct a star because it's the result of many nits. Your chapter, however (except for a problem you have with commas), provoked questions from me, and some of these led to suggestions. So I'm keeping with the 5 stars on this.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
|
You have an engaging first paragraph. Evocative in that you were stingy with content, merely hinting at what the patient reader should discover within. We know only that it is a place and time in the future (sounding a bit Star-War-ish) and the height, weight and attire of an attractive protagonist (we can only now assume) is limned. You did all you needed to do to draw in the curious reader.
And yes I did mention robes. [Comma needed after "yes".]
Those who had or could have flaunted it [I had to read this sentence over a number of times until I understood what you meant. It was owing to your lack of punctuation. You need commas after "had" and "have" to set it apart as a clause. Otherwise, "flaunted" slides right into it without a pause, giving it a meaning you didn't intend.]
while those who did not have nor probably would ever have continued [Same as the above, for the same kind of reason.]
Finally the day came. [Comma after the initial clause, "Finally."]
The food and produce exchange between countries became none existent [... became NON-EXISTENT]
Their numbers and cultural diversity were a few million, [CULTURAL DIVERSITY isn't a numerical entity. "They numbered a few million," is all you can say in that context. You could say something as, "They numbered a culturally diverse few million," but I'm not sure that says what you want.]
To avoid previous problems there was be a dress code [Comma after "problems" ... "... there WOULD BE or WAS a dress code ...]
A similar practice was acknowledged for the various religions but on a regular basis. [Afraid I don't understand what you mean by "on a regular basis."
any of the harmful directives related to religion were illuminated and not allowed. [Could you mean "eliminated" instead of "illuminated?"]
At the age of fifteen it was discovered that he had a unique talent. He could mind link with numerous people anywhere and at any time as could the other council members. [I'm having a bit of a problem understanding the significance of Matthew's "unique talent" if it is shared by all the other council members. Also, how is it so common a talent with the council members? How is it isolated to them (and now Matthew), and not the rest of the population? This would all have to be explained in the story, or it will forever be "an elephant in the room." As I read on to the next, and final paragraph, I see it is partially explained, but it also raised another question: How did the talent of "listening," which was common in the past, lead to their destruction?]
You are a gifted writer, and I'm sure you will have answers to these dilemmas as the plot unfolds. I hope this will be an ongoing story.
I would like to have seen Matthew travails and adventures be the storyline with the history to have been the backstory, spread out over the novel.
When my reviews stretch out as long as this, I usually have to deduct a star because it's the result of many nits. Your chapter, however (except for a problem you have with commas), provoked questions from me, and some of these led to suggestions. So I'm keeping with the 5 stars on this.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
-
Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to read and then also review, I greatly appreciate you comments and corrections and will definitely go over them in depth shortly and adjust it accordingly. It is great that some do take the time to read and at least try to understand what someone is attempting to say. My deepest thanks, blessed be.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Alie. Wow! I have finished reading this and went back to be sure I didn't miss something, but probably did. Is this about what could be if we had a nuclear war? That is how I am interpreting it. I hope I am not stupid and wrong. LOL. good job regardless of my understanding. Great imagination working here. Blessings, Bob
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
|
Hi, Alie. Wow! I have finished reading this and went back to be sure I didn't miss something, but probably did. Is this about what could be if we had a nuclear war? That is how I am interpreting it. I hope I am not stupid and wrong. LOL. good job regardless of my understanding. Great imagination working here. Blessings, Bob
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
-
Hey Bob, thanks for reading and reviewing. It was a twist on that possibility and was actually inspired ironically I was looking for an idea to get my required six short stories and ta da I came up with that- probably because my husband asked me something for the third time this week and I asked him if he ever listened. I think it was more the case of irritation rather than imagination lol. Again thanks, blessed be Alie.
Comment from BeasPeas
This was a very enjoyable read, well thought out and clear for the reader. Perhaps your story isn't so far fetched. One thing is for certain, we all have to learn to get along with each other. Marilyn
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
|
This was a very enjoyable read, well thought out and clear for the reader. Perhaps your story isn't so far fetched. One thing is for certain, we all have to learn to get along with each other. Marilyn
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
-
Thank you so much Marilyn, ironically I was looking for an idea to get my required six short stories and ta da I came up with that- probably because my husband asked me something for the third time this week and I asked him if he ever listened.
-
It's a husband thing. Although they hang on every word when courting, the marriage license gives them instant deafness and amnesia.
-
LOL I was wondering about that but I do believe we have definitely touched upon a degree of reality.
Comment from MelB
Hi Aryr, this is an interesting piece and not probably too far off from what is coming to our world. It all seems to be lining up as predicted.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
|
Hi Aryr, this is an interesting piece and not probably too far off from what is coming to our world. It all seems to be lining up as predicted.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
-
Aww thanks Mel, I am glad you liked it. ironically I was looking for an idea to get my required six short stories and ta da I came up with that- probably because my husband asked me something for the third time this week and I asked him if he ever listened.
Comment from Ulla
Yeah, it does look as if this it where we're heading. Everybody hears but are anybody listening? Quite a deep issue you are raising here. Well written. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
|
Yeah, it does look as if this it where we're heading. Everybody hears but are anybody listening? Quite a deep issue you are raising here. Well written. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
-
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to review, I really appreciate your comments.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. This is an interesting and entertaining story. Perhaps something like this could happen in the future. Are you going to write more on this same idea?
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
|
Excellent. This is an interesting and entertaining story. Perhaps something like this could happen in the future. Are you going to write more on this same idea?
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
-
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to review, I really appreciate your comments. I am not sure if I will expand it further, we shall see, thanks for the thought.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Matthew was the newest member to the council. He had become the only single person to be appointed, sort of an odd man out. At the age of fifteen it was discovered that he had a unique talent. He could mind link with numerous people anywhere and at any time as could the other council members. His uniqueness was that he could filter and listen.
Many could hear or link but the art of listening was a talent of the past, one that had diminished and caused the destruction of a population. Do you hear? But do you listen? ' What a question... I hope this continues as I find this universe of engrossing, but even as a standalone it is awesome, I adored it kindest regards Meia x
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
|
Matthew was the newest member to the council. He had become the only single person to be appointed, sort of an odd man out. At the age of fifteen it was discovered that he had a unique talent. He could mind link with numerous people anywhere and at any time as could the other council members. His uniqueness was that he could filter and listen.
Many could hear or link but the art of listening was a talent of the past, one that had diminished and caused the destruction of a population. Do you hear? But do you listen? ' What a question... I hope this continues as I find this universe of engrossing, but even as a standalone it is awesome, I adored it kindest regards Meia x
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
-
Thank you Meia for reading and taking the time to review, I really appreciate your comments. I am not sure if I am going to extend this but I do value the thought, who knows, we shall see.
