Last Warning
Horror of the unknown (172 words)13 total reviews
Comment from emptypage
You wrote, "One more time bitch and you will regret it". You need commas before and after "bitch."
You wrote, "Sadistic and brutal her husband kept her confined in his slavery." You need a comma after "brutal."
You wrote, "He had humiliated and degraded her again and with one swift kick sent her sprawling across the bare floor boards." You need a comma after "and" and before "with," and another comma after "kick."
Also, "floorboards" is one word.
You have several other small punctuation issues, too many for such a short piece. But the story is good. If you repair the errors you could win the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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You wrote, "One more time bitch and you will regret it". You need commas before and after "bitch."
You wrote, "Sadistic and brutal her husband kept her confined in his slavery." You need a comma after "brutal."
You wrote, "He had humiliated and degraded her again and with one swift kick sent her sprawling across the bare floor boards." You need a comma after "and" and before "with," and another comma after "kick."
Also, "floorboards" is one word.
You have several other small punctuation issues, too many for such a short piece. But the story is good. If you repair the errors you could win the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Hi emptypage, Thank you for your review and suggestions I have revised and corrected the mistakes and happily accept your critique. it was written late at night so any help is appreciated .Yes a win would be nice Cheers MA
Comment from WalkerMan
This aptly illustrated and effectively written story plays upon the common fear of being buried alive. Sadly, the greater horror is that far too many women, even today, are mistreated by men -- including husbands, fathers, and other male family members -- who should be protecting them instead. Any honest person paying attention knows this scourge is more prevalent in some cultures than in others, but no society is totally exempt. The scenario in this story is quite plausible, as it is a potential end to the abuse that occurs all too commonly in marriages and similar close relationships -- and even divorce does not entirely stop it if joint custody is granted for any children involved. One woman confided to me that her abusive husband, in order to drain money she earned from working so she could not raise enough for legal counsel to divorce him, regularly made new clothing and accessories she purchased disappear -- in particular, one earring out of each pair. He always denied knowing what happened to the missing items. I recommended she take the back off the remaining one and put the earring post in his shoe for him to "find" the next morning. He did, and that was the last earring to disappear. I'll spare you what else he did, though, lest I give some sicko guy ideas. Okay, you likely did not expect this kind of review; but your story reminded me of the very real horror too many women endure.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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This aptly illustrated and effectively written story plays upon the common fear of being buried alive. Sadly, the greater horror is that far too many women, even today, are mistreated by men -- including husbands, fathers, and other male family members -- who should be protecting them instead. Any honest person paying attention knows this scourge is more prevalent in some cultures than in others, but no society is totally exempt. The scenario in this story is quite plausible, as it is a potential end to the abuse that occurs all too commonly in marriages and similar close relationships -- and even divorce does not entirely stop it if joint custody is granted for any children involved. One woman confided to me that her abusive husband, in order to drain money she earned from working so she could not raise enough for legal counsel to divorce him, regularly made new clothing and accessories she purchased disappear -- in particular, one earring out of each pair. He always denied knowing what happened to the missing items. I recommended she take the back off the remaining one and put the earring post in his shoe for him to "find" the next morning. He did, and that was the last earring to disappear. I'll spare you what else he did, though, lest I give some sicko guy ideas. Okay, you likely did not expect this kind of review; but your story reminded me of the very real horror too many women endure.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Hi WalkerMan. Thanks for your detailed review and I do appreciate your time to reveal some stories and it must be a nightmare and hell and indeed horror for many in horrible circumstances. My story is purely from my imagination for the requirement a Horror story and lets hope it never happens. Maybe I should have buried him ? Cheers MA
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You are welcome. Your tale is quite plausibly told -- though, of course, no one else could know unless some successful intervention occurs. I liked the story itself. I've just heard too many real-life tales of abuse over the years. Some of the women eventually escaped, but not all. I'm glad in your case it was just fiction for the contest.
The mentality of the abuser is unfathomable to me. But then, the attitude of the apparently feelingless controllers of this world bewilders me too.
What just happened in that Maryland high school, and the response from officials from the state level on down, prove how little some people care about anyone else. It's thoroughly disgusting. The two illegal alien perps have effectively murdered that poor girl's entire future life, and ought to be judged accordingly. And the uncaring officials who set this up to happen ought to be both thrown out of office and tried as accessories before the fact.
It is very telling that the statist news media are avoiding this story but went wild over what eventually was proven to be a false gang-rape accusation at a college because the lying accuser was Black and the ones accused were White. The Maryland case does not fit their narrative that illegal aliens are all innocent. -- Mike
Comment from BeasPeas
I'd hoped for a happier ending--like maybe she stuck a knife in his gut and buried him alive!! Your story is suspenseful and illustrated appropriately for the content. Sadly there are monsters like this out there. Sick cookies. I think this is a super entry for the contest. It is indeed a horror story. Marilyn
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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I'd hoped for a happier ending--like maybe she stuck a knife in his gut and buried him alive!! Your story is suspenseful and illustrated appropriately for the content. Sadly there are monsters like this out there. Sick cookies. I think this is a super entry for the contest. It is indeed a horror story. Marilyn
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Hi Marilyn Thanks you for your wonderful review for my not so nice topic (Sometimes I wonder how I can come up with stuff like this but all in my imagination and it did ask for a Horror story. LOL) Your sixer is a real bonus xx Cheers MA
Comment from Arkine
Okay, that is definitely horror, in my opinion. I have to say, I do not understand why women allow themselves to be treated like that--although, I guess she didn't have much choice if she was unconscious. Anyhow, excellent work, and good luck with the contest!
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Okay, that is definitely horror, in my opinion. I have to say, I do not understand why women allow themselves to be treated like that--although, I guess she didn't have much choice if she was unconscious. Anyhow, excellent work, and good luck with the contest!
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Hi Arkine. A truly made up horror story and that was the brief. Yes some women do stay with brutes not sure why. I would have buried him maybe next time LOL. Thanks for your great review and encouraging comments MA
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What's scary, is even though it's made up, it has more than likely happened...that's what's truly terrifying.
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
these little pieces are notoriously tricky to get right but you do a good job with this. personally I'd come up with a different title line as the whole story is told before we read it. this reduces the tension of the piece - just a thought.
Oh God where am I?. - you don't need the full stop after the question mark here.
But am I underground?. - same thing here.
Striking her head, his words echoed "I said - insert a comma after echoed
thud, thud, what was that?. - and again here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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hi there,
these little pieces are notoriously tricky to get right but you do a good job with this. personally I'd come up with a different title line as the whole story is told before we read it. this reduces the tension of the piece - just a thought.
Oh God where am I?. - you don't need the full stop after the question mark here.
But am I underground?. - same thing here.
Striking her head, his words echoed "I said - insert a comma after echoed
thud, thud, what was that?. - and again here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Hi GMG Thank you for taking the time to read and give me some suggestions I have taken your advice and renamed it as I had thought the same thing when doing the title So I have renamed it' Last Warning' have also taken away the full stops. MA
Comment from Thomas Bowling
An excellent contest entry. What a creepy thought, to be buried alive. I can't think of anything worse. They used to bury people with bells on strings in case they woke up.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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An excellent contest entry. What a creepy thought, to be buried alive. I can't think of anything worse. They used to bury people with bells on strings in case they woke up.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Hi Thomas. I am so pleased you 'liked' this enough to give me a sixer I am thrilled and yes I can't think of anything worse either just imagine the horror and this is what this story was all about. I do thank you and appreciate you comments. MA
Comment from Hitcher
Nice! Not what he was doing of course but nice and dark and a very good entry for the competition, being buried alive is definitely terrifying in every way. Well done and good luck!
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Nice! Not what he was doing of course but nice and dark and a very good entry for the competition, being buried alive is definitely terrifying in every way. Well done and good luck!
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Hi Hitcher, Thank you for reading and reviewing my story and No I don't like him either should have been the other way around LOL. Your comments are appreciated though and thanks for the good luck wishes MA
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is very extreme and one of my greatest fears! True horror in this short but resonating story pricking all my senses. It's a good job it's morning now otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep . . . Ha ha. Good luck with the contest, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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This is very extreme and one of my greatest fears! True horror in this short but resonating story pricking all my senses. It's a good job it's morning now otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep . . . Ha ha. Good luck with the contest, love Dolly x
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Hi Dolly, I am glad you read this in the morning I would hate to have kept you awake thinking about this awful fate. Thanks so much for your review and rating for this one MA
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Sadly, some relationships end like this [ok, maybe not buried, but in death].
You did a great job with the prompt. Your story flows well & is filled with horror.
suggestion:
I would make a couple small paragraphs of this--easier to read.
Good job & best wishes in the contest. Jan
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2017
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Sadly, some relationships end like this [ok, maybe not buried, but in death].
You did a great job with the prompt. Your story flows well & is filled with horror.
suggestion:
I would make a couple small paragraphs of this--easier to read.
Good job & best wishes in the contest. Jan
Comment Written 20-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2017
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Hi Jan, Oh Thank you for your review and I do appreciate your suggestion which I have taken up And yes it does read better with breaks . Next one will be on a brighter subject LOL
Comment from Dean Kuch
Poor Cathy.
Perhaps she should have just buried the hatchet in this relationship a long time ago.
if you ask me, Cathy was just bored stiff, and needed to get up close and personal with nature once again to find her roots.
Her cold, callous, and cruel companion certainly saw to that...in spades, heh-heh-heh...
A cryptic tale of creepy charnel chatter.
Best of luck with this!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2017
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Poor Cathy.
Perhaps she should have just buried the hatchet in this relationship a long time ago.
if you ask me, Cathy was just bored stiff, and needed to get up close and personal with nature once again to find her roots.
Her cold, callous, and cruel companion certainly saw to that...in spades, heh-heh-heh...
A cryptic tale of creepy charnel chatter.
Best of luck with this!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2017
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HI Dean, llved your review but I don" t think Cathy would share your point of view LOL.Yes perhaps she should have seen the light but now too late . It is amazing what one can come up with in the middle of the night but then some things need to be finished.. With great appreciation MA
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Hahaha, yes, it certainly does seem amazing at times.
My pleasure, and best of luck! :)
