Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "haiku (tiny icicle)"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
41 total reviews
Comment from Grasshopper2
Mz. Mundane,
So happy to see a haiku that flummoxes most FanStorians reading your posting. What do you mean, you ask. I shall pontificate, bloviate, and I can do it all even prostrate (not to be confused with prostate). First is line one with suggestions to take this line far from the extraordinary to humdrum and mediocrity. Your moniker demands this action.
Change your first line which is incredibly boring and mundane compared to the changes below.
tiny icicle needs to read:
the teensy-weensy, itty-bitty, itsy-bitsy, eensy, eensy-weensy, little-bitty, bite-sized, pint-sized, wee frozen hanging down thingie
See? Much more grandiose. We move to line two.
transforms to winter dagger
How droll. A dagger is a moth with a dark dagger-shaped marking on the forewing. So, change line two to read
transforms to winter moth with a dark dagger-shaped marking on the forewing
Now, for the sad satori. To dumb down this excellent haiku, we change the satori from
danger ahead to
moth with a dark dagger-shaped marking on the forewing creates danger ahead and/or a head as in overhead.
Here is the entire rewritten haiku.
the teensy-weensy, itty-bitty, itsy-bitsy, eensy, eensy-weensy, little-bitty, bite-sized, pint-sized, wee frozen hanging down thingie
transforms to winter moth with a dark dagger-shaped marking on the forewing
moth with a dark dagger-shaped marking on the forewing creates danger ahead and/or a head as in overhead
Forget haiku rules, be like Macbeth facing Macduff and shout, "Lay on Miserable Mundane Minions, and damned be him/her/or transgenders who first cries 'Hold! Enough!'" Then demand that those same Miserable Mundane Minion readers extrapolate and assume the definitions of theses three lines are an incredible haiku of distilled spirits of Sterno strained through bread before drinking. Here in lies the crux.
tiny icicle
transforms to winter dagger
danger ahead
Most excellent fun reviewing your haiku. I like the dual meaning of ahead.
*smile*
Michael
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2017
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Mz. Mundane,
So happy to see a haiku that flummoxes most FanStorians reading your posting. What do you mean, you ask. I shall pontificate, bloviate, and I can do it all even prostrate (not to be confused with prostate). First is line one with suggestions to take this line far from the extraordinary to humdrum and mediocrity. Your moniker demands this action.
Change your first line which is incredibly boring and mundane compared to the changes below.
tiny icicle needs to read:
the teensy-weensy, itty-bitty, itsy-bitsy, eensy, eensy-weensy, little-bitty, bite-sized, pint-sized, wee frozen hanging down thingie
See? Much more grandiose. We move to line two.
transforms to winter dagger
How droll. A dagger is a moth with a dark dagger-shaped marking on the forewing. So, change line two to read
transforms to winter moth with a dark dagger-shaped marking on the forewing
Now, for the sad satori. To dumb down this excellent haiku, we change the satori from
danger ahead to
moth with a dark dagger-shaped marking on the forewing creates danger ahead and/or a head as in overhead.
Here is the entire rewritten haiku.
the teensy-weensy, itty-bitty, itsy-bitsy, eensy, eensy-weensy, little-bitty, bite-sized, pint-sized, wee frozen hanging down thingie
transforms to winter moth with a dark dagger-shaped marking on the forewing
moth with a dark dagger-shaped marking on the forewing creates danger ahead and/or a head as in overhead
Forget haiku rules, be like Macbeth facing Macduff and shout, "Lay on Miserable Mundane Minions, and damned be him/her/or transgenders who first cries 'Hold! Enough!'" Then demand that those same Miserable Mundane Minion readers extrapolate and assume the definitions of theses three lines are an incredible haiku of distilled spirits of Sterno strained through bread before drinking. Here in lies the crux.
tiny icicle
transforms to winter dagger
danger ahead
Most excellent fun reviewing your haiku. I like the dual meaning of ahead.
*smile*
Michael
Comment Written 25-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2017
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HAHAHA! I think you have too much time on your hands, my friend! Love you, though! You make things fun!
Comment from Leineco
Nice one, Robyn! One drip at time. . .ever so slowly. . .tiny frozen
droplets combine. . .building a failing hazard. . .Damocles swords
hanging from roof lines!
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2017
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Nice one, Robyn! One drip at time. . .ever so slowly. . .tiny frozen
droplets combine. . .building a failing hazard. . .Damocles swords
hanging from roof lines!
Comment Written 23-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2017
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So true!! Thank you!
Comment from Linda Engel
Don't think these things won't hurt you. They are sharp and will cut you up. Ice hurts. Great picture showing the dagger like shape. When they melt they are so pretty. Good Haiku. I see that there are a lot of people in this club. I've got to get caught up on my reading. I finally posted a poem last night around midnight.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2017
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Don't think these things won't hurt you. They are sharp and will cut you up. Ice hurts. Great picture showing the dagger like shape. When they melt they are so pretty. Good Haiku. I see that there are a lot of people in this club. I've got to get caught up on my reading. I finally posted a poem last night around midnight.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2017
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Thanks so much for reading this, Linda! I appreciate you!
Comment from write hand blue
Hi Robyn. They were magic swords when I was a boy. We lived in Scotland where it used to get very cold in winter. My sister was ill in bed on day and I gave her huge one as a present. She didn't appreciate it, but I left it on her bed anyway. Mum came and sat where it had melted. She was not well pleased. In my memoirs written last year.
Your poem brought the memory back. A well thought out and executed poem...
~Mel~
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2017
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Hi Robyn. They were magic swords when I was a boy. We lived in Scotland where it used to get very cold in winter. My sister was ill in bed on day and I gave her huge one as a present. She didn't appreciate it, but I left it on her bed anyway. Mum came and sat where it had melted. She was not well pleased. In my memoirs written last year.
Your poem brought the memory back. A well thought out and executed poem...
~Mel~
Comment Written 23-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2017
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HAHA! Thanks, Mel!
Comment from krys123
Cheers, Robyn;
-I enjoyed the picture what is definitely relative and very supporting to the conceptual theme of this writing.
-The satori "danger ahead", and most likely the fact that your be underneath that I would've chosen a satori that would be "danger below" or "danger above". Though, relatively speaking, danger head was most likely be supported because the fact that one could be worn before going underneath these icicles.
-Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed your writing I just submit suggestions for further development and you may disregard any suggestions I submit.
-Thanks for sharing and take care and have a good one especially with the ones you care for.
Alex
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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Cheers, Robyn;
-I enjoyed the picture what is definitely relative and very supporting to the conceptual theme of this writing.
-The satori "danger ahead", and most likely the fact that your be underneath that I would've chosen a satori that would be "danger below" or "danger above". Though, relatively speaking, danger head was most likely be supported because the fact that one could be worn before going underneath these icicles.
-Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed your writing I just submit suggestions for further development and you may disregard any suggestions I submit.
-Thanks for sharing and take care and have a good one especially with the ones you care for.
Alex
Comment Written 22-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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Thanks, Alex!
Comment from Lu Saluna
I like this haiku - it is so true
When we were kids, living in Montreal, we used to hunt for these things and climb great heights to get these "winter daggers"
Not to fight with, they were like a trophy!
If our parents only knew what we did to acquire these.
See the great memories you brought up for me!
Great haiku!
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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I like this haiku - it is so true
When we were kids, living in Montreal, we used to hunt for these things and climb great heights to get these "winter daggers"
Not to fight with, they were like a trophy!
If our parents only knew what we did to acquire these.
See the great memories you brought up for me!
Great haiku!
Comment Written 22-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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Hahaha!! Thank you!
Comment from Louise Michelle
A clever write - those things can be dangerous. I liked your use of alliteration with dagger and danger.
You live in Alabama, don't you? (I need to check your profile page.) What's your average winter temperature?
Here in the Houston area it's around 68. We had about three days of winter and I've had to switch from air conditioning to heat, back and forth. Summers are brutal, but at least it's consistently hot.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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A clever write - those things can be dangerous. I liked your use of alliteration with dagger and danger.
You live in Alabama, don't you? (I need to check your profile page.) What's your average winter temperature?
Here in the Houston area it's around 68. We had about three days of winter and I've had to switch from air conditioning to heat, back and forth. Summers are brutal, but at least it's consistently hot.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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Yep. We've had the same stuff. Wearing shirt sleeves all winter!
Comment from l.raven
HI Robyn, I have seen those babies fall before...and they are dangerous...I try to knock as many off the house that I can...I'll probably be the one it will fall on...hmmm...but they are beautiful...love your poem sweet girl...and a love this picture...love ya Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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HI Robyn, I have seen those babies fall before...and they are dangerous...I try to knock as many off the house that I can...I'll probably be the one it will fall on...hmmm...but they are beautiful...love your poem sweet girl...and a love this picture...love ya Linda xxoo
Comment Written 21-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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Thanks, sweetie!
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you are so welcome always...was off for a few days...internet...time now to catch up...LOL...loveeeeeeeeeeexxoo
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Good luck!
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it will take more than that...but thank you...LOL...I hate getting so far behind...xxoo
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hahaha.... danger ahead or danger ahead? This is a clever haiku that made me laugh. I picture someone sticking his head out of the window and getting up too fast... ouch! LoL
Good one, Robyn!
Gypsy
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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Hahaha.... danger ahead or danger ahead? This is a clever haiku that made me laugh. I picture someone sticking his head out of the window and getting up too fast... ouch! LoL
Good one, Robyn!
Gypsy
Comment Written 21-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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You are the first person to get the AHEAD part, I think! YAY!
Comment from --Turtle.
This was clever... I like the imagery of how something small and fragile can become a deadly force. The season, cold and the emotion... sharp. The last line... gives me two images... one the obvious... when nature gets serious, look up... and the other image I got, beyond nature... things snowball when the world gets cold, what was once a small thing slight notice, can become a something that impales one right over the head.
Love the use of winter dagger. And that goes well with danger.
Turtle
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2017
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This was clever... I like the imagery of how something small and fragile can become a deadly force. The season, cold and the emotion... sharp. The last line... gives me two images... one the obvious... when nature gets serious, look up... and the other image I got, beyond nature... things snowball when the world gets cold, what was once a small thing slight notice, can become a something that impales one right over the head.
Love the use of winter dagger. And that goes well with danger.
Turtle
Comment Written 21-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2017
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Thanks so much, Turtle! I appreciate your time!
