Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Haiku(ancients' loyal ox)"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
6 total reviews
Comment from Ella25
It is a very well presented haiku, Zanya. You used unusual words to describe the animal and supporting image wraps the creation nicely. Well done. With love, Ella
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
It is a very well presented haiku, Zanya. You used unusual words to describe the animal and supporting image wraps the creation nicely. Well done. With love, Ella
Comment Written 23-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thanks for the critique zanya
Comment from Leineco
ahhhhh. . .back in the day ;-)
It does look vaguely "out of time", doesn't it? Retro is such a perfect
expression of that concept :-)
Nicely done haiku & picture pairing :-)
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
ahhhhh. . .back in the day ;-)
It does look vaguely "out of time", doesn't it? Retro is such a perfect
expression of that concept :-)
Nicely done haiku & picture pairing :-)
Comment Written 18-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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Great review thanks for reading zanya
Comment from Lu Saluna
this is a very good and witty haiku
the first two lines for a very good image in my mind and the satori brings us back to a simpler time for the "loyal ox" who made our lives easier.
"retro fine dining" - This is wonderful
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
this is a very good and witty haiku
the first two lines for a very good image in my mind and the satori brings us back to a simpler time for the "loyal ox" who made our lives easier.
"retro fine dining" - This is wonderful
Comment Written 17-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017
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Thanks for reading zanya
Comment from mountainwriter49
Second Review: 5 Stars
First Review: 4 Stars
Zanya,
This is much better since you removed the abstract second line. I also like the revised satori line better. Just a few other suggestions:
Ancients' = ancients' (remove the capitalized A
savory = 3 syllables. This line is easily fixed by:
forages savory grass
Thanks for getting back to me.
-Ray
Good Morning, Poet,
I enjoyed reading your poem this morning; however, it strikes me as a Western style 5-7-5 poetic form rather than a nature haiku. Please let me explain.
The poem does not capture an observable moment in time. It speaks of the time of ancient man and as the ox being a beast of burden. The poem presents abstract images rather than concrete images. There is use of simile in line 2.
If this were a 5-7-5 poetic entry, I would easily give it a five star rating. I regret I cannot do so with it being presented as a haiku. If you make edits, please let me know and I'll be glad to return and review again.
-Ray
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2017
Second Review: 5 Stars
First Review: 4 Stars
Zanya,
This is much better since you removed the abstract second line. I also like the revised satori line better. Just a few other suggestions:
Ancients' = ancients' (remove the capitalized A
savory = 3 syllables. This line is easily fixed by:
forages savory grass
Thanks for getting back to me.
-Ray
Good Morning, Poet,
I enjoyed reading your poem this morning; however, it strikes me as a Western style 5-7-5 poetic form rather than a nature haiku. Please let me explain.
The poem does not capture an observable moment in time. It speaks of the time of ancient man and as the ox being a beast of burden. The poem presents abstract images rather than concrete images. There is use of simile in line 2.
If this were a 5-7-5 poetic entry, I would easily give it a five star rating. I regret I cannot do so with it being presented as a haiku. If you make edits, please let me know and I'll be glad to return and review again.
-Ray
Comment Written 16-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2017
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Thanks for the critique and your time re 'observable moment in time'-I have made edits. zanya
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Second Review: 5 Stars
First Review: 4 Stars
Zanya,
This is much better since you removed the abstract second line. I also like the revised satori line better. Just a few other suggestions:
Ancients' = ancients' (remove the capitalized A
savory = 3 syllables. This line is easily fixed by:
forages savory grass
Thanks for getting back to me.
-Ray
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Thanks for this detailed response & suggestions.
Are Capitals ever used in Haiku?
Online syllable counter showed 7 in the original 2nd line- fake news ???
Zanya
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Capitalization should only be used for proper nouns and names.
Savory = say o ry. See dictionary.com. I do not trust syllable counters.
Comment from strivinginsc
Format followed and well written. Words works well with photo. From your title, and before I saw the ox, I thought the poem was about the burdens of a man. Sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2017
Format followed and well written. Words works well with photo. From your title, and before I saw the ox, I thought the poem was about the burdens of a man. Sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2017
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Thanks for the critique - I have made some adjustments to the original zanya
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Thanks
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Thanks
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello zanya,
The word choices really convey the 'archaic-ness' of the ox as ancient beast of burden.
Well done.
Sonali
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2017
Hello zanya,
The word choices really convey the 'archaic-ness' of the ox as ancient beast of burden.
Well done.
Sonali
Comment Written 15-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2017
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Thanks - I have made edits zanya