Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "The Book of Hokee"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
29 total reviews
Comment from Douglas Paul
This is another good chapter. Interesting to see respect start to build between Ayala and Archie. You ended at a good point that makes me want to see what they discover in the book. Well done, my friend. I see no errors
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
  |
This is another good chapter. Interesting to see respect start to build between Ayala and Archie. You ended at a good point that makes me want to see what they discover in the book. Well done, my friend. I see no errors
Comment Written 17-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
-
Thanks so much, Douglas. There are no errors, because others reviewed before you did. haha. Always helps to wait a day or two. I appreciate you!
Rhonda
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. You stop at the most interesting spots. I can't wait to find out what is in the book that they took. This is a good story and It is hard to wait for the next chapter each time. Write fast.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
|
Excellent. You stop at the most interesting spots. I can't wait to find out what is in the book that they took. This is a good story and It is hard to wait for the next chapter each time. Write fast.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
-
Thank you!! I'm writing as fast as I can. If it weren't for all that re-writing I have to do, it would go faster. haha.
Comment from mbroyles2
So Archie's interest has peaked and he finally gets a chance to read the book.
We'll see if Ayala learns more and changes her opinion. But, of course, we have to wait.
Good hook at the end.
Michael
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
|
So Archie's interest has peaked and he finally gets a chance to read the book.
We'll see if Ayala learns more and changes her opinion. But, of course, we have to wait.
Good hook at the end.
Michael
Comment Written 17-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
-
Thank you! Yes, they are going to relax for just a bit, unfortunately, the book may contain disturbing news...
Comment from royowen
They've all settled down to rest before they continue on. Archie can't sleep so he extracts a tome of the experiment with the Hokee settlement experiment. Trying, like so many other evolution like failures, because that's not the way God shares His ways with men, well done, Rhonda, blessings, Roy
Typo : "here's the table the contents." Said Arc(h)ie.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
|
They've all settled down to rest before they continue on. Archie can't sleep so he extracts a tome of the experiment with the Hokee settlement experiment. Trying, like so many other evolution like failures, because that's not the way God shares His ways with men, well done, Rhonda, blessings, Roy
Typo : "here's the table the contents." Said Arc(h)ie.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
-
Thank you so much, Roy!! You're right, they will try to go against God's plan in a very unnatural way! More to be revealed in the next chapter!!
-
Well done Rhonda
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Oh, Rhonda, this is excellent! You're adding layers and making it more and more interesting. Last chapter there was tension about getting a shelter/hiding place completed so they wouldn't be discovered. This chapter is more relaxed. They are safe, for the moment, in their cave. Archie pulls out the book and starts to read. The reader also feels 'safe' and the tension is replaced with curiosity. You have a good range of emotions in this book. Anger when Archie wrecked his sports car, fear when he was captured, scared of getting caught when they escaped, relief when Sani helped, and now, curiosity about the book.
I found some things. There isn't really that much - I just wrote a lot!
"You know," Koko said{.} "I'm surprised at how well the cave turned out. It's nice and cool, and the blanket we made is letting in just enough light to be comfortable. (You need a comma after 'said' rather than a period. )
the blanket we made is letting in just enough light to be comfortable. (I'm confused with this. How does light coming through a blanket make someone comfortable?)
but with much better company..." (When an ellipsis ends a sentence, add a period, making a total of four dots. Also, to correctly write an ellipsis - space after the last letter in the word, then start the ellipsis and put a space between dots. Such as 'trips . . . ')
The one he had taken from Junior's office, would keep him busy. (I think if this were made into two sentences and reworded, slightly, it would come across much stronger. Such as 'The one he took from Junior's office. That would keep him busy.' Your call on this. I might be using my voice rather than yours.)
emblazoned image of [a] hawk, (omitted the word 'a')
The cover bore a gold, emblazoned image of hawk, its wings outstretched as though in flight. In one claw was clutched a rat and in the other, a hare. Behind it, glowed a full moon illuminating a valley below. The gorge bore the silhouetted images of the other nine animals of the Hokee houses. (For me, this paragraph reads awkward. With slight rewording, I think it would read smoother, tighten it up, and be stronger writing. Such as 'The cover bore an emblazoned image of a golden hawk. Its wings outstretched as though in flight. A rat clutched in one claw, the other, a hare. In the background, a full moon glowed, illuminating a valley below. A gorge silhouetted the other nine animals of the other Hokee houses.')
Archie ran a curious finger across the figure as though trying to absorb its meaning. (The wording is off a little. The way it's written, you have a finger being curious. Maybe reword, slightly. Such as, 'Archie ran a finger across the figure, curious to its meaning.')
I heard you get that book out[,] and I was wondering if it was (need comma where indicated)
Super chapter, Rhonda.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
|
Oh, Rhonda, this is excellent! You're adding layers and making it more and more interesting. Last chapter there was tension about getting a shelter/hiding place completed so they wouldn't be discovered. This chapter is more relaxed. They are safe, for the moment, in their cave. Archie pulls out the book and starts to read. The reader also feels 'safe' and the tension is replaced with curiosity. You have a good range of emotions in this book. Anger when Archie wrecked his sports car, fear when he was captured, scared of getting caught when they escaped, relief when Sani helped, and now, curiosity about the book.
I found some things. There isn't really that much - I just wrote a lot!
"You know," Koko said{.} "I'm surprised at how well the cave turned out. It's nice and cool, and the blanket we made is letting in just enough light to be comfortable. (You need a comma after 'said' rather than a period. )
the blanket we made is letting in just enough light to be comfortable. (I'm confused with this. How does light coming through a blanket make someone comfortable?)
but with much better company..." (When an ellipsis ends a sentence, add a period, making a total of four dots. Also, to correctly write an ellipsis - space after the last letter in the word, then start the ellipsis and put a space between dots. Such as 'trips . . . ')
The one he had taken from Junior's office, would keep him busy. (I think if this were made into two sentences and reworded, slightly, it would come across much stronger. Such as 'The one he took from Junior's office. That would keep him busy.' Your call on this. I might be using my voice rather than yours.)
emblazoned image of [a] hawk, (omitted the word 'a')
The cover bore a gold, emblazoned image of hawk, its wings outstretched as though in flight. In one claw was clutched a rat and in the other, a hare. Behind it, glowed a full moon illuminating a valley below. The gorge bore the silhouetted images of the other nine animals of the Hokee houses. (For me, this paragraph reads awkward. With slight rewording, I think it would read smoother, tighten it up, and be stronger writing. Such as 'The cover bore an emblazoned image of a golden hawk. Its wings outstretched as though in flight. A rat clutched in one claw, the other, a hare. In the background, a full moon glowed, illuminating a valley below. A gorge silhouetted the other nine animals of the other Hokee houses.')
Archie ran a curious finger across the figure as though trying to absorb its meaning. (The wording is off a little. The way it's written, you have a finger being curious. Maybe reword, slightly. Such as, 'Archie ran a finger across the figure, curious to its meaning.')
I heard you get that book out[,] and I was wondering if it was (need comma where indicated)
Super chapter, Rhonda.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
-
What would I ever do without you, my friend??
You have given me such support, and you are careful to point out what you like... specifically, which helps.
You also act as Tolkien's friends to whom he read his book while writing. You point out the changes, and that is just as important.
Thank you, thank you!!
Rhonda
-
I try to be extremely careful when I suggest things, because I don't want to replace your voice with mine. That's easy for a reviewer to do.
Comment from lyenochka
Great! Now the secret unfolds! It's fitting that both Archie and Ayala discover it together. By the way there's one place where Archie is missing an 'h' "Arcie said. "
I'm in suspense because he's reading aloud. I hope his voice doesn't carry!
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
|
Great! Now the secret unfolds! It's fitting that both Archie and Ayala discover it together. By the way there's one place where Archie is missing an 'h' "Arcie said. "
I'm in suspense because he's reading aloud. I hope his voice doesn't carry!
Comment Written 17-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
-
Thank you for the lovely review!! Thanks for the Spag catch, too! I'm always butchering that poor guy's name. I usually forget the E at the end.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Heidi M
Nice job with the subtle foreshadowing of impending unwanted company: 'They're on our trail now, but just barely. I suggest we get some sleep while we can. Who knows what the night might bring'
You also do a good job with the underlying tension between Archie and Ayala. Two adversaries forced to work together to evade and survive.
What (lay) hidden beneath
judg[e]ment - delete 'e'
Arc(h)ie said
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
|
Nice job with the subtle foreshadowing of impending unwanted company: 'They're on our trail now, but just barely. I suggest we get some sleep while we can. Who knows what the night might bring'
You also do a good job with the underlying tension between Archie and Ayala. Two adversaries forced to work together to evade and survive.
What (lay) hidden beneath
judg[e]ment - delete 'e'
Arc(h)ie said
Comment Written 17-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
-
Thank you for the wonderful review!!
I always mess up lay and lie!! And I even have a discussion of it pinned on my site. Oh well...
Also, I discovered judgement and judgment mean the same thing... must be a British/American thing. I changed it, though, just for fun.
Thanks for the review.
Rhonda
Comment from prophetess
Wow, I would really love to read this book in its entirety. When it's finished ad published please let me know. ð???
I can really appreciate the humanitarian aspect...Good job. Look forward to more
Prophetess
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
|
Wow, I would really love to read this book in its entirety. When it's finished ad published please let me know. ð???
I can really appreciate the humanitarian aspect...Good job. Look forward to more
Prophetess
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
-
Thank you for the comments of the humanitarian angle, which is a huge theme, and will carry throughout. I do hope you keep up through the end!! Please feel free to comment on those parts and to make suggestions.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Still an interesting read and I have been waiting for some of my questions to be answered as I feel now I will. A very different type of story line but i8nterresting none the less
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
|
Still an interesting read and I have been waiting for some of my questions to be answered as I feel now I will. A very different type of story line but i8nterresting none the less
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017
-
Thank you, Barb, and there's about to be a bigger reveal next chapter. I started to add it in this one, but it made it way too long!!
Thanks again,
Rhonda
