Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Into the Desert - Part 2"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
27 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
Well, howdy Cowgirl.
Fancy meeting you here. Let's continue on our trek...
"Native Americans say the Earth is our mother," Sani continued. "Seek her spirit, Archie, and she will help you dig your hole." (Perfect start.)
"Good, now imagine the spade separating grains of sand like a knife whittling though(through) layers of wood."
"Then you're ready. Open your eyes and find those grains. Start digging and don't stop until you have the hole you imagined." (Before Archie starts to dig the hole they should find suitable ground. Digging in just sand is like running on the spot, it just caves in. They need roots and sticks to sure it up, if you know what I mean. Perhaps the blanket could cover the sides.)
"Come, child," he said. "You're so angry, and that's not good for your disposition or health." (lol.)
"Yes, but at least you're out of that horrible prison," Sani reminded her.
"Hokee is my home."( Conditioning is a powerful thing.)
"I'll help you, but I hope Archie falls in and breaks his neck." (Well, she doesn't play nice!)
"The Earth recognizes no political boundaries, only the cries of her children." (Nice one.)
"The Earth recognizes no political boundaries, only the cries of her children." (Ah, there ya go again... keeping the old Feral in suspense!)
Very well written with some powerful emotions.
Quality stuff.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2017
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Well, howdy Cowgirl.
Fancy meeting you here. Let's continue on our trek...
"Native Americans say the Earth is our mother," Sani continued. "Seek her spirit, Archie, and she will help you dig your hole." (Perfect start.)
"Good, now imagine the spade separating grains of sand like a knife whittling though(through) layers of wood."
"Then you're ready. Open your eyes and find those grains. Start digging and don't stop until you have the hole you imagined." (Before Archie starts to dig the hole they should find suitable ground. Digging in just sand is like running on the spot, it just caves in. They need roots and sticks to sure it up, if you know what I mean. Perhaps the blanket could cover the sides.)
"Come, child," he said. "You're so angry, and that's not good for your disposition or health." (lol.)
"Yes, but at least you're out of that horrible prison," Sani reminded her.
"Hokee is my home."( Conditioning is a powerful thing.)
"I'll help you, but I hope Archie falls in and breaks his neck." (Well, she doesn't play nice!)
"The Earth recognizes no political boundaries, only the cries of her children." (Nice one.)
"The Earth recognizes no political boundaries, only the cries of her children." (Ah, there ya go again... keeping the old Feral in suspense!)
Very well written with some powerful emotions.
Quality stuff.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 29-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2017
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Howdy back atcha, Brother,
Thank you! I like the idea about the hole, or perhaps a better idea at all. People haven't liked the "hole in the sand" idea, especially since they are trying to hide.
I think this was the chapter that was in BOM, but not sure. I had two of them that went in.
You're right on conditioning, that was one of the strands I'll follow in this book. The scientists use it effectively with their people.
Adios, Amigo
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I want to ask a favour... Can I audition for the part of Sani when you turn it into a movie? lol.
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You would make a perfect Sani! You've got the part already!
Comment from Lu Saluna
I started reading your most current post and realized I missed this chapter somehow. I am having a rough week, lol.
I enjoyed this one. I know this may come off as sounding a bit mean, but Ayala, will learn what it is like to be forced to do things and be held against one's will.
She is learning how unpleasant that can be.
Good chapter. Now I will read the most current one. I don't like missing anything!
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2017
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I started reading your most current post and realized I missed this chapter somehow. I am having a rough week, lol.
I enjoyed this one. I know this may come off as sounding a bit mean, but Ayala, will learn what it is like to be forced to do things and be held against one's will.
She is learning how unpleasant that can be.
Good chapter. Now I will read the most current one. I don't like missing anything!
Comment Written 13-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2017
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You know, that's a great point about Ayala learning what Archie felt like when she was confining him. Very smart. I commented on the other review before this one. I noted there about how perceptive you are, and you picked it up again here. Take care,
Rhonda
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Thank you very much. Some of my friends call me little Guru.
I did a review on someone's Tanka here on the site and it was a very in-depth review as it was quite complex.
The response back I got was "get out of my head!"
At times, I do have a knack of really zeroing in on what's going on. Sometimes to the point of creeping someone out, lol.
The author got over it.
Comment from Pam (respa)
-I like the image.
-Another good chapter, Rhonda.
-You have created an excellent
character in Sani.
-I hope he is part of the story
for a while; I like his wisdom,
practicality, and his desire for people to get along.
-He continues to show that in this chapter
as they prepare the cave.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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-I like the image.
-Another good chapter, Rhonda.
-You have created an excellent
character in Sani.
-I hope he is part of the story
for a while; I like his wisdom,
practicality, and his desire for people to get along.
-He continues to show that in this chapter
as they prepare the cave.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Thank you for the beautiful six stars, my friend, and for the comments. They are as sweet as they are helpful.
Sani will be around for quite awhile. Couldn't kill off the wise one...
He's got a lot to do trying to raise all those kids he's traveling with. lol
I'm a bit behind on my writing as I'm working on that program for school and I've had a whole lot of program writing for it. I don't know if I told you, but I have to present it at a conference next Friday. That's one reason I put it on here -- to get ideas.
Again, thanks!!
Rhonda
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You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and the review, Rhonda. Glad to hear about Sani; he is a wonderful character. Good luck with the program and the conference. I would be no help to you in reading that, as science is not my forte.
Comment from rspoet
Another fine continuation of the story
as personalities clash and truth is tested,
even the wisdom of Sani, who seems of the earth itself,
as Ayala resists the three who seek freedom.
That's a gorgeous picture of the desert, but it's just too pretty,
not quite "that disease-infested desert" as Ayala describes it.
We'll see how the big revelation about Koko affects the situation.
The dialogue is excellent, and the development
of the theme is right on track
Well done
RS
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Another fine continuation of the story
as personalities clash and truth is tested,
even the wisdom of Sani, who seems of the earth itself,
as Ayala resists the three who seek freedom.
That's a gorgeous picture of the desert, but it's just too pretty,
not quite "that disease-infested desert" as Ayala describes it.
We'll see how the big revelation about Koko affects the situation.
The dialogue is excellent, and the development
of the theme is right on track
Well done
RS
Comment Written 08-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Thanks so much, RS, for the wonderful six stars. I appreciate it so much!
I'm pretty sure Ayala would agree on the picture being way too pretty for a desert, or anything outside of Hokee, but Sani likes it. lol
I'm glad the dialogue flowed well, and that the story is moving along.
I'm working on the next chapter, and should post soon.
Thanks again,
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from MelB
Hi Rhonda, I've been gone for awhile. I've missed the story. I may have missed a couple of chapters. I will have to go back and look. It continues to be an intriguing story line.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Hi Rhonda, I've been gone for awhile. I've missed the story. I may have missed a couple of chapters. I will have to go back and look. It continues to be an intriguing story line.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Thank you, my friend. I'm glad you like it, and I did notice you were missing. I hope everything is okay??
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from schatzling
This book is going quite well for you. Be sure to let me know when you get it published. I would love to have a signed copy (smile). Every time I read another chapter I feel myself getting more and more lost in your story.
Since my computer crashed last year, I am utilizing others whenever possible. That is why I really have had no opportunity to write....I try to Review when time permits. It is just so difficult to do. I hate computers, but not having one has really cause me lots of problems.
Thank you so much for choosing my Art to accompany your chapter. It fits perfectly. I also appreciate you mentioning me and saying thank you. There are many who do not even acknowledge the individual they get their photo or art from.
Hope 2017 has been good to you thus far. Take care my friend. I think of you often.
By the way I noticed to errors. In the last paragraph prior to your list of 12 houses,
....... On the way through a fence, the [ADD "Y" to make the word THEY instead of "THE"]
and
..... In order to ensure her silence, they tied he [ADD "R" to make the word HER instead of "HE"].....up and took her with them.
THANKS so much for continuing your story and sharing it with us.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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This book is going quite well for you. Be sure to let me know when you get it published. I would love to have a signed copy (smile). Every time I read another chapter I feel myself getting more and more lost in your story.
Since my computer crashed last year, I am utilizing others whenever possible. That is why I really have had no opportunity to write....I try to Review when time permits. It is just so difficult to do. I hate computers, but not having one has really cause me lots of problems.
Thank you so much for choosing my Art to accompany your chapter. It fits perfectly. I also appreciate you mentioning me and saying thank you. There are many who do not even acknowledge the individual they get their photo or art from.
Hope 2017 has been good to you thus far. Take care my friend. I think of you often.
By the way I noticed to errors. In the last paragraph prior to your list of 12 houses,
....... On the way through a fence, the [ADD "Y" to make the word THEY instead of "THE"]
and
..... In order to ensure her silence, they tied he [ADD "R" to make the word HER instead of "HE"].....up and took her with them.
THANKS so much for continuing your story and sharing it with us.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Hi!!!!
It is so good to hear from you, and I love the desert artwork, it is so inspiring! It's funny you said authors sometimes don't thank the people they get the art from. You are one of the only artists who say anything to me. I think there's been one or two others. I love it when you say something, and to review the work is a great honor!!
I promise you a signed copy when it's published!! When the time gets closer, send me your address and consider it done!
Thanks for your support, and for the use of your beautiful art!
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
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Really...how sad is that. I feel if an artist's work gets selected to accompany someone's writing, they should at least read it....and if they read it, they should Review it.
I never realized that was happening....or should I say not happening.....
I promise you once I get my own computer back, I will be reading more of your works. With only being able to use a computer very limited times, I cannot do all I want. I apologize for that. HOWEVER, once I get up and running, I have plenty of catching up to do.
KEEP em coming. YOUR are an awesome writer.
MY ADDRESS IS
Katharina L. Criscuolo
3011 Thunderbird Drive
Sierra Vista, AZ 85650
Take care.....
Schatzling
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You are very sweet and supportive. I appreciate you, and all the others who work so hard to make out stories look good.
I'll send you a book!!
Rhonda
Comment from royowen
Of course Sani is a wise man who moves in the counsel of the wise, I'm so glad you've woven in the divine purposes of God, His desire to rescue and guide people into a safe place, like Moses, Joshua, David etc. what're they going to do now, Godvwill find a way, as he always does in your stories Rhonda, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Of course Sani is a wise man who moves in the counsel of the wise, I'm so glad you've woven in the divine purposes of God, His desire to rescue and guide people into a safe place, like Moses, Joshua, David etc. what're they going to do now, Godvwill find a way, as he always does in your stories Rhonda, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 07-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Thank you, Roy, and I'm always amazed when you pick up on my subtle meanings. I don't know why it surprises me, but it does, and when you do it, I'm like, "yep, Roy gets it." haha.
I appreciate you!
Rhonda
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I'm not that clever, but I know someone who is, heh heh
Comment from Dustybones
Well I was wrong about Ayala she might still come around once and IF they make thier escape to freedom. Sounds like lots of work to dig a hole. Too much. Good dialogue that makes the chapter move along. Dusty
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Well I was wrong about Ayala she might still come around once and IF they make thier escape to freedom. Sounds like lots of work to dig a hole. Too much. Good dialogue that makes the chapter move along. Dusty
Comment Written 07-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Way too much time digging a hole!! haha. But Sani has his reasons, he always does.
Ayala is a hard nut to crack, that's for sure, but angry women often are. haha.
Thank you for the wonderful review,
Rhonda
Comment from F. Wehr3
Good continuation of the story. I enjoyed Sani and his philosophy and wisdom. I think Ayala will come around, hopefully. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
"Lastly, we have each other, and can work as a team. --Suggest no comma before and. We performs two actions.
I just put you in a wrestling hold so I could tie you up.--Suggest a comma before so. It's one of those rarely used coordinating conjunctions.
Ayala paused in mid scathing remark as the enormity of what Archie had shared soaked in. --I stumbled over this sentence. I would suggest amid the scathing remark? Maybe?
Taker care,
Russell
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Good continuation of the story. I enjoyed Sani and his philosophy and wisdom. I think Ayala will come around, hopefully. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
"Lastly, we have each other, and can work as a team. --Suggest no comma before and. We performs two actions.
I just put you in a wrestling hold so I could tie you up.--Suggest a comma before so. It's one of those rarely used coordinating conjunctions.
Ayala paused in mid scathing remark as the enormity of what Archie had shared soaked in. --I stumbled over this sentence. I would suggest amid the scathing remark? Maybe?
Taker care,
Russell
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Thank you for finding the mistakes. They are so hard to find on your own, or at least that's how I feel. Now, I'll be honest, I wouldn't have found those anyway, so thank you!!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Another good chapter, Rhonda. It gets more interesting and involved as you go. I like the humor scattered here and there. It lightens the tension and helps to establish the multi-dimensions of your characters. I enjoyed the part where Sani gave Archie instructions on how to locate a place to dig the hole they needed. You did a great job with the research on that.
I noticed a few things.
"Yes, and another thing, we have Archie[,] who has connections in the outside world, and (Just a comma where indicated.)
Now[,] come help us make a mat to cover (Comma where indicated.)
Archie looked up from digging{,} dirt already covering his body like a brown aura. (You switched from past tense to present tense in this sentence. The word 'covering' needs to be 'covered.' Also, you need a semi-colon after digging, or make it two sentences and use a period, instead.)
The spade, he planned to keep well out of her reach. (The syntax doesn't work with this punctuation. You can either switch the syntax, or the punctuation. If you want to indicate a pause, use an ellipsis OR use a dash to add emphasis to a word. To not get caught up in punctuation, just fix the syntax - He planned to keep the spade well out of her reach.)
"I promise you[,] I didn't do it on purpose." (Comma where indicated.)
Archie threw a shovelful of dirt over his shoulder {as} he paused to think. (As written, 'as' means 'while.' You've got Archie throwing dirt and pausing at the same time.)
"Really, well, then, I guess I'm wrong." (Your call - you can get away with it as written. But, for me, it isn't a smooth read as one sentence. You are trying to combine a question and a statement in one. "Really? Well then, I guess I'm wrong." A question followed by a statement flows easier, yes?)
Sani looked {past tense} Ayala straight in her eyes, holding {present} her gaze until she glanced {past} away. (Switched tenses. Suggestion: 'and held' her gaze . . .)
"Native Americans say the {Earth} is our mother," (Unsure how you meant 'Earth' - as a planet or the dirt? I took it to mean 'dirt,' in which case, it is not capitalized.)
You stopped at a great place to ensure the reader returns.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Another good chapter, Rhonda. It gets more interesting and involved as you go. I like the humor scattered here and there. It lightens the tension and helps to establish the multi-dimensions of your characters. I enjoyed the part where Sani gave Archie instructions on how to locate a place to dig the hole they needed. You did a great job with the research on that.
I noticed a few things.
"Yes, and another thing, we have Archie[,] who has connections in the outside world, and (Just a comma where indicated.)
Now[,] come help us make a mat to cover (Comma where indicated.)
Archie looked up from digging{,} dirt already covering his body like a brown aura. (You switched from past tense to present tense in this sentence. The word 'covering' needs to be 'covered.' Also, you need a semi-colon after digging, or make it two sentences and use a period, instead.)
The spade, he planned to keep well out of her reach. (The syntax doesn't work with this punctuation. You can either switch the syntax, or the punctuation. If you want to indicate a pause, use an ellipsis OR use a dash to add emphasis to a word. To not get caught up in punctuation, just fix the syntax - He planned to keep the spade well out of her reach.)
"I promise you[,] I didn't do it on purpose." (Comma where indicated.)
Archie threw a shovelful of dirt over his shoulder {as} he paused to think. (As written, 'as' means 'while.' You've got Archie throwing dirt and pausing at the same time.)
"Really, well, then, I guess I'm wrong." (Your call - you can get away with it as written. But, for me, it isn't a smooth read as one sentence. You are trying to combine a question and a statement in one. "Really? Well then, I guess I'm wrong." A question followed by a statement flows easier, yes?)
Sani looked {past tense} Ayala straight in her eyes, holding {present} her gaze until she glanced {past} away. (Switched tenses. Suggestion: 'and held' her gaze . . .)
"Native Americans say the {Earth} is our mother," (Unsure how you meant 'Earth' - as a planet or the dirt? I took it to mean 'dirt,' in which case, it is not capitalized.)
You stopped at a great place to ensure the reader returns.
Suzanne
Comment Written 05-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Wow, okay, I made the corrections as indicated. So much for my elation last chapter when I made very few mistakes. Thanks for finding them!! I do have a problem switching tenses. I try to find them ahead of time, but no matter how many times I read this, and it was more than I care to mention, I didn't catch them all.
Some were straight up mistakes because I didn't realize what I was writing was wrong. Short stories are so much easier than novels... oh well, at least I have help.
The Earth is supposed to be written in caps as that's their belief. By Earth, they mean nature in all its facets. Or at least I think so. I'll check into it.
I so appreciate all you do for me.
Have a great week,
Rhonda
