The Teacher
She never stops short of thinking16 total reviews
Comment from plinny
This was a well written, intriguing story. I want to read more! I can see where you could develop this into a novel!
Good luck.
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This was a well written, intriguing story. I want to read more! I can see where you could develop this into a novel!
Good luck.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2017
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
It seems impossible that this happens in this day and age. Human trafficking is the new name for the slave trade. This was an exciting story and it was good that it all went off well in the end! Well done, and good luck in the contest!
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It seems impossible that this happens in this day and age. Human trafficking is the new name for the slave trade. This was an exciting story and it was good that it all went off well in the end! Well done, and good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A well-thoughtout story - most interesting
read. There's a little tweaking needed here
and there.
her dog(whom - leave space after dog.
Columbus),her - and again here
belongings(less - and here
this week,alone - and here
Good luck with the contest, my friend.
Blessings,
Margaret
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A well-thoughtout story - most interesting
read. There's a little tweaking needed here
and there.
her dog(whom - leave space after dog.
Columbus),her - and again here
belongings(less - and here
this week,alone - and here
Good luck with the contest, my friend.
Blessings,
Margaret
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
Comment from Zue65
Oh my God, I didn't know gangs ruled Chicago and they dominate even the schools. They have no respect for authorities and yet, they remain to be a sanctuary city. How could the authorities be so insensitive not to see that the city is falling apart. And when you have a President that says he will see to it that lawlessness will no longer be tolerated, the Left whose middle name is Democrat, is quick in demonizing and crucifying him for doing what needs to be done. I cannot understand you Americans. I am an Asian lady but I can see clearly what the Left is doing.
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Oh my God, I didn't know gangs ruled Chicago and they dominate even the schools. They have no respect for authorities and yet, they remain to be a sanctuary city. How could the authorities be so insensitive not to see that the city is falling apart. And when you have a President that says he will see to it that lawlessness will no longer be tolerated, the Left whose middle name is Democrat, is quick in demonizing and crucifying him for doing what needs to be done. I cannot understand you Americans. I am an Asian lady but I can see clearly what the Left is doing.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
Comment from Sixty70
Human trafficking is abominable. Nice to know that someone like Anna is out there, wanting to work in one of the entry points.
I gave this story four stars because it is mostly 'tell' with very little 'show'. The piece provides a great deal of backstory, and I wonder if it is all necessary except for the fact that Anna was FBI.
Adding dialogue and use of active verbs would make this a stronger piece.
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Human trafficking is abominable. Nice to know that someone like Anna is out there, wanting to work in one of the entry points.
I gave this story four stars because it is mostly 'tell' with very little 'show'. The piece provides a great deal of backstory, and I wonder if it is all necessary except for the fact that Anna was FBI.
Adding dialogue and use of active verbs would make this a stronger piece.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
Forgive me for saying so, but this seemed to me like a story you already had. One where you thought it was too long and so you cut out parts without regard to the flow and then posted it for this story. I can't explain it otherwise. It makes NO SENSE whatsoever. The story-line jumps from place to place like crazy and has no flow at ALL. (I'm so sorry for being rude about it, but I'm trying to be honest and we're here to help each other, right?)
The writing was fundamentally good, but the presentation killed this story!
I think if you worked the story out to include all the missing parts, you could have something. Until then...no way. So sorry. If you revise, please let me know. Thank you!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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Dear Mystery Writer,
Forgive me for saying so, but this seemed to me like a story you already had. One where you thought it was too long and so you cut out parts without regard to the flow and then posted it for this story. I can't explain it otherwise. It makes NO SENSE whatsoever. The story-line jumps from place to place like crazy and has no flow at ALL. (I'm so sorry for being rude about it, but I'm trying to be honest and we're here to help each other, right?)
The writing was fundamentally good, but the presentation killed this story!
I think if you worked the story out to include all the missing parts, you could have something. Until then...no way. So sorry. If you revise, please let me know. Thank you!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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No, I didn't already have the story. I was just trying to write , trying a switch from time and place. I had never tried it before. No one else had any trouble following this, but maybe they were all being nice. I appreciate your honest review and I will be always trying harder. I have to admit, I felt bad reading your comments, but I know you would not hurt anyone purposefully. I love your writing and I will keep trying. Sincerely. Lo
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I do think people were being nice. This truly didn't work, but I would love to see the story fleshed out. Really. The writing was good and could carry the story. THANK YOU for taking my comments as I intended them. I would love to revise that rating and hope you'll give me the opportunity to do so. Remember that you can continue to work on this story even after the contest -OR - (and what I would suggest) - after the contest,
Shorten this post down to just the beginning of the story and revise it thoroughly.
Save the rest of the story to a word document (or whatever program you use) and post it in installments as you write and edit it. Good luck.
Comment from frierajac
This is exciting and the suspense holds the readers' interest. It has a social message and is about current day problems in city schools. It follows the criteria of the contest without being too wordy or tedious. Best of luck.
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This is exciting and the suspense holds the readers' interest. It has a social message and is about current day problems in city schools. It follows the criteria of the contest without being too wordy or tedious. Best of luck.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
Comment from Alex Biasin
This was an interesting piece.
I did find it a little disjointed and a touch hard to get into a rhythm reading it as the rapid cuts made it difficult for the narrative to flow well.
I think you have perhaps tried to put too much in, such as the throw away line that the vice principal had killed a gang member - that raises a lot of questions - how would a school vice principal kill an armed attacker? Was he part of the under cover operation?
All in all it is a good story, with a clever and thinking protagonist as per the contest - so good luck in it and it was an enjoyable piece to read.
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This was an interesting piece.
I did find it a little disjointed and a touch hard to get into a rhythm reading it as the rapid cuts made it difficult for the narrative to flow well.
I think you have perhaps tried to put too much in, such as the throw away line that the vice principal had killed a gang member - that raises a lot of questions - how would a school vice principal kill an armed attacker? Was he part of the under cover operation?
All in all it is a good story, with a clever and thinking protagonist as per the contest - so good luck in it and it was an enjoyable piece to read.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2017
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I like what you did with this piece and the basic story is a good solid one. It feels a little truncated and jumpy in the overall write though and would probably have been better played out over a longer word count.
her dog(whom had found her in downtown Columbus),her - some spacing needed in here.
had disappeared this week,alone - no need for the comma here.
Anna was brought in for a reason. Her arrest record with the F.B.I. was phenomenal - the first sentence is a little redundant. She wouldn't have been brought in if there was no reason. you could run both together to say something like 'Anna was brought in because her arrest record...'
It would be a good exercise to go through this and note down how many times you use 'was', 'had', 'that' and 'were'. I think you'd be surprised how often you use them. they are clear indicators of passive voice and telling over showing. By writing around these you can make the piece much more immersive and direct.
to inform principal Lane - Principal.
lock-down - lockdown.
Vice-principal Karnes - Vice-Principal.
the vice-principal - Vice-Principal.
"Anna and Bruce had location decisions to make," Theo said - this wouldn't be in direct speech. If it was direct speech it would read something like "Anna, Bruce, you two have some decisions to make"
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2017
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Hi there,
I like what you did with this piece and the basic story is a good solid one. It feels a little truncated and jumpy in the overall write though and would probably have been better played out over a longer word count.
her dog(whom had found her in downtown Columbus),her - some spacing needed in here.
had disappeared this week,alone - no need for the comma here.
Anna was brought in for a reason. Her arrest record with the F.B.I. was phenomenal - the first sentence is a little redundant. She wouldn't have been brought in if there was no reason. you could run both together to say something like 'Anna was brought in because her arrest record...'
It would be a good exercise to go through this and note down how many times you use 'was', 'had', 'that' and 'were'. I think you'd be surprised how often you use them. they are clear indicators of passive voice and telling over showing. By writing around these you can make the piece much more immersive and direct.
to inform principal Lane - Principal.
lock-down - lockdown.
Vice-principal Karnes - Vice-Principal.
the vice-principal - Vice-Principal.
"Anna and Bruce had location decisions to make," Theo said - this wouldn't be in direct speech. If it was direct speech it would read something like "Anna, Bruce, you two have some decisions to make"
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 02-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2017
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Thank you so much...and I just finished acting upon your suggestion. I had no idea I used those words so often. I'm writing something now and trying my best to pay attention. Thank you for your review and help. With thanks, Lo
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We tend to rely on certain phrases and words. I have got much better at it myself but still use this system on editing. After while it becomes second nature.
All the best
G
Comment from winnona
A well-written contest entry. The words flowed from beginning to end. The realistic characters of Anna and Bruce brought the story to life as I read it. Good luck in the contest well done
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2017
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A well-written contest entry. The words flowed from beginning to end. The realistic characters of Anna and Bruce brought the story to life as I read it. Good luck in the contest well done
Comment Written 02-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2017
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Thanks for reading this and writing your nice comments, Winnona...I appreciate them so much.
