My Haikus
Viewing comments for Chapter 45 "Father's Advice"Collection of haikus
3 total reviews
Comment from DR DIP
Do as I say not as I do! Many fathers give advice Only to do exactly the thing they warn about this is not unlike the fly and its offspring in this regard
Nice write
dip
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2017
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Do as I say not as I do! Many fathers give advice Only to do exactly the thing they warn about this is not unlike the fly and its offspring in this regard
Nice write
dip
Comment Written 29-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2017
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Ty 4 ur continued support. D
Comment from winnona
Very well-done haiku challenge poem. I hope you added this to the book so it can be considered for the anthology. This is like an Aesop's fable, I really liked it. Very well done!
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017
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Very well-done haiku challenge poem. I hope you added this to the book so it can be considered for the anthology. This is like an Aesop's fable, I really liked it. Very well done!
Comment Written 29-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017
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Thanks so much, always a pleasure to hear from you~
Darren
Comment from Thal1959
I don't want to be a meanie, but the text at the top say Haiku challenge so I have to presume this is meant to be a traditional Haiku. The 5-7-5 syllable count is there. But there is no juxtaposition or introspection between Kigo and Satori. One rule of thumb of mine is this: If the three lines together form a complete and grammatically sentence, it is not a true Haiku;
father fly landed and told his intrepid son, "watch out for that frog!" This is a nice sentence or statement, but there is no Satori. The last line should be related to the first two, but should be a commentary or reflection on the first two lines. It should relate to the Kigo, but not flow with it forming a casual sentence.
Here is an example from the Japanese master Basho:
old pond
a frog leaps in
water's sound
To the Japanese, the frog represents spring. There is a pond and a leaping frog. The Satori speaks of the inevitable result - the sound of the water splashing. If we connected the first two lines in a more fitting way in English, it might read... "A frog leaps in an old pond - water's sound." The last two words relate to the fist lines, but it doesn't make a correct sentence, grammatically speaking.
I hope you don't mind this long-winded explanation, and please remember that while a four star rating doesn't please a lot of people, it isn't a bad rating. It merely means the piece needs some work. Thanks for understanding.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017
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I don't want to be a meanie, but the text at the top say Haiku challenge so I have to presume this is meant to be a traditional Haiku. The 5-7-5 syllable count is there. But there is no juxtaposition or introspection between Kigo and Satori. One rule of thumb of mine is this: If the three lines together form a complete and grammatically sentence, it is not a true Haiku;
father fly landed and told his intrepid son, "watch out for that frog!" This is a nice sentence or statement, but there is no Satori. The last line should be related to the first two, but should be a commentary or reflection on the first two lines. It should relate to the Kigo, but not flow with it forming a casual sentence.
Here is an example from the Japanese master Basho:
old pond
a frog leaps in
water's sound
To the Japanese, the frog represents spring. There is a pond and a leaping frog. The Satori speaks of the inevitable result - the sound of the water splashing. If we connected the first two lines in a more fitting way in English, it might read... "A frog leaps in an old pond - water's sound." The last two words relate to the fist lines, but it doesn't make a correct sentence, grammatically speaking.
I hope you don't mind this long-winded explanation, and please remember that while a four star rating doesn't please a lot of people, it isn't a bad rating. It merely means the piece needs some work. Thanks for understanding.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017
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Not only do I not mind it, I am honored that you are taking the time to communicate with me about this subject.
This is new to me, and I enjoy the opportunity to be creative, to focus these concepts, and to learn all that I can about this format.
So, you are not being a meanie, you are being a teacher and mentor, and again, I am honored and sincerely appreciative.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review, and for your honesty and help. I really appreciate good reviews, but would rather hear about how to improve.
It is Always a pleasure to hear from you, and I do appreciate your help.
Blessings
Brother Badger
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No, I do not mind a four star rating, in this context, that is generous, and accurate.
Thanks again,
Darren
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I appreciate your understanding. The text at the top of the page says Haiku club challenge. I presume you are a member of the Haiku club. You can get a lot better sound advice on Haiku there than I can give. I understand Haiku, but rarely write it as I am not partial to the brief poetic forms. (I know how to throw a knuckleball, but I can't physically do it well.) Here is the only Haiku I wrote for FanStory:
"Orange blossoms bud
wakens the bloom within me
world's hopes effloresce"
Orange blossoms equate to spring. This renewal is felt in me also. But the Satori goes from a personal renewal to a more broad-brushed worldly one.
I personally don't feel Haiku is a poem as it is too brief, without rhymes or rhythm. But I have seen it can be artistic.
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Thanks so much for reply. You remain one of three most helpful critics.
Darren
