Prosetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Waterway"Story telling poems
43 total reviews
Comment from MaggieF
Hi, I've just given my first six, what an amazing poem, I never realised how much 'water/liquid' was involved in our lives. Your use of colour and shape adds to the strength and impact of your poem. I loved the line 'I was truly baptised that day by nature ...' Your alliteration was very effective, and the last line is incredibly powerful. Just brilliant. Enjoyed. MaggieF
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Hi, I've just given my first six, what an amazing poem, I never realised how much 'water/liquid' was involved in our lives. Your use of colour and shape adds to the strength and impact of your poem. I loved the line 'I was truly baptised that day by nature ...' Your alliteration was very effective, and the last line is incredibly powerful. Just brilliant. Enjoyed. MaggieF
Comment Written 09-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Thank you so much. This poem was such a relief to write. It just poured out of me. The colors were the hardest part but they made it so much more real. I so appreciate this high ranking. What a gift to me. Life is wonderful now.
Comment from Pantygynt
A most interesting piece of free verse that I would like to use as a discussion piece in my upcoming free verse class, if you wiould allow it.
This uses a wide variety of poetic poetic devices including visual devices such as coloured font and a meandering layout that follows the random path of free flowing water, either as a river or any water streaming down an inclined plane. The line breaks are used as a form of punctuation guiding the reader as to the way you wish this to be read.
In addition to this there is a strong story line that threads its way through the whole piece.
I spotted one spelling error, "seperated" should be separated.
I don't think the out of sequence printing of "I danced in the rain" actually works. There have to be some conventions to which we hold in the interests of legibility and read top left to bottom right is one of them unless the whole poem is a picture. This hints at a picture but is fundamentally literature. The convention of the text as a stream of water has been established and it doesn't run uphill. I realise that the picture here represents the dance but i think that could be done whilst adhering to the principles already established.
The othe matter on which I admit to being undecided is whether you have gone too far with the coloured fonts. I was criticized for just that in a piece I wrote some time ago and you may find other reviewers take that line. My feeling is that used sparingly it can be effective. Over use creates a meaningless rainbow. I am not sure where this lies. It is at its most effective in the separation stanza, the sunset stanza, though there is too much other colour in close proximity, and the "ruby pond" at the beginning.
I know what its like, and it is so easy to get carried away with the colour thing.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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A most interesting piece of free verse that I would like to use as a discussion piece in my upcoming free verse class, if you wiould allow it.
This uses a wide variety of poetic poetic devices including visual devices such as coloured font and a meandering layout that follows the random path of free flowing water, either as a river or any water streaming down an inclined plane. The line breaks are used as a form of punctuation guiding the reader as to the way you wish this to be read.
In addition to this there is a strong story line that threads its way through the whole piece.
I spotted one spelling error, "seperated" should be separated.
I don't think the out of sequence printing of "I danced in the rain" actually works. There have to be some conventions to which we hold in the interests of legibility and read top left to bottom right is one of them unless the whole poem is a picture. This hints at a picture but is fundamentally literature. The convention of the text as a stream of water has been established and it doesn't run uphill. I realise that the picture here represents the dance but i think that could be done whilst adhering to the principles already established.
The othe matter on which I admit to being undecided is whether you have gone too far with the coloured fonts. I was criticized for just that in a piece I wrote some time ago and you may find other reviewers take that line. My feeling is that used sparingly it can be effective. Over use creates a meaningless rainbow. I am not sure where this lies. It is at its most effective in the separation stanza, the sunset stanza, though there is too much other colour in close proximity, and the "ruby pond" at the beginning.
I know what its like, and it is so easy to get carried away with the colour thing.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Yes , the color thing was interesting and fun to do but I sure understand your criticisms too. I would love it if you would use it for your class. That would be an honor. At one point I had less color but then the black seemed to stick out. So instead I sometimes used what I perceived as ugly colors for the harder parts of the story. Thank you so much .
Comment from Caressa_08
You did a remarkable job with this entry and such good work here, and wish I had a six to give....And love the format & the colorful text to describe the emotions that if true, or even not held this reader with intense interest from beginning to end of your, creative free verse. And can relate with it in a distant way, as lived with others in a military wives in a community... who had husbands who left for a time & some, like mine did , too... just didn't stay true to their marriage vows with the lonely deployments at sea that was put upon them & raising a family at the same time.
God Bless & Best Wishes for your entry, & Chapter in your book, Waterway.
Caressa_08
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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You did a remarkable job with this entry and such good work here, and wish I had a six to give....And love the format & the colorful text to describe the emotions that if true, or even not held this reader with intense interest from beginning to end of your, creative free verse. And can relate with it in a distant way, as lived with others in a military wives in a community... who had husbands who left for a time & some, like mine did , too... just didn't stay true to their marriage vows with the lonely deployments at sea that was put upon them & raising a family at the same time.
God Bless & Best Wishes for your entry, & Chapter in your book, Waterway.
Caressa_08
Comment Written 09-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Thank you so much. This is a mixture of people in my life. it does actually portray many personal moments in my own life.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Through water I was given life
Floating in a ruby pond
below my mother's heart ... this is a very elegant, artistic way of saying "while swimming in my mother's womb, Judy..."
Ouch! Poor Poppa. What a thing, to discover, that his wife was going to have another man's child, conceived while he was away at sea.
That's an unforgivable sin in my book, at least from a spouse's viewpoint...
Very "artsy", colorful, and emotive free verse offering you've managed to compose here, Judy.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Through water I was given life
Floating in a ruby pond
below my mother's heart ... this is a very elegant, artistic way of saying "while swimming in my mother's womb, Judy..."
Ouch! Poor Poppa. What a thing, to discover, that his wife was going to have another man's child, conceived while he was away at sea.
That's an unforgivable sin in my book, at least from a spouse's viewpoint...
Very "artsy", colorful, and emotive free verse offering you've managed to compose here, Judy.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Actually this happened to my father when he went to world war two. He got married to someone other and came back and found her pregnant. He divorced her and met my mother. However, My mother's Mom would refer to him as that Divorce Man since she was a catholic. She was very angry that my mother married him and refused to go to the wedding. I am happy he did because now I exist.
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But of course you are.
That's quite a story, Judy.
Thanks for sharing it with me.
Have a wonderful day!
~Dean :}
Comment from Dawn Munro
"...I didn't seek shelter, I sought life..." Judy, why have I missed so much of your wonderful poetry? My God, the presentation too - that red when the parent's are separating - WOW. But those words I first wrote quoting you - those brought me to tears..." Incredible free verse. I wish I had a six for you!
******************OUTSTANDING!***********************
(from another 'water baby')
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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"...I didn't seek shelter, I sought life..." Judy, why have I missed so much of your wonderful poetry? My God, the presentation too - that red when the parent's are separating - WOW. But those words I first wrote quoting you - those brought me to tears..." Incredible free verse. I wish I had a six for you!
******************OUTSTANDING!***********************
(from another 'water baby')
Comment Written 09-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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what a touching response. Free verse allows me to speak out loud what is in me. Tears, water, shed from both of us. it all helps me to understand how wonderful life can be. We Have to let go and live and all parts of our lives are the path. Thank you , Thank you , Thank you.
Comment from Hitcher
Stunningly beautiful poem, so full of emotion, so full of heartache so full of darkness and despair. You take the reader on a journey, a journey that unfortunately many who read will be able to relate to in some way and that in its self is sad and scary at the same time. The perfect beginning can be one where the harsh lessons that life has taught us become the cornerstones of our new dance, our new life, eyes wide open... Loved this poem!!
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Stunningly beautiful poem, so full of emotion, so full of heartache so full of darkness and despair. You take the reader on a journey, a journey that unfortunately many who read will be able to relate to in some way and that in its self is sad and scary at the same time. The perfect beginning can be one where the harsh lessons that life has taught us become the cornerstones of our new dance, our new life, eyes wide open... Loved this poem!!
Comment Written 08-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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the cornerstones of our new dance. You must write that poem. Those words are vivid and alive. Wow, Thank you for the support. I have learned that many feel like me, but few are willing to let the world know. i hoe you write that poem.
The cornerstones of our new dance.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A great way to tell the story through the different types of water. It sounds like you have been through hell, but have found your way back. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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A great way to tell the story through the different types of water. It sounds like you have been through hell, but have found your way back. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 08-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Thank you so much, Free verse allows me to run vividly into life. I have a wonderful life now, I just had to allow myself to grow up.
Comment from nancyrabbrose
This is a great poem. I would give you 6 stars if I had them tonight. I too know about the life of alcohol and then recovering. Much of your poem is my life, too. You came out all right. Your artistic nature is part of your salvation. I love the way you used water over and over to tell your life story, then the "firewater". Brilliant. The water of life.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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This is a great poem. I would give you 6 stars if I had them tonight. I too know about the life of alcohol and then recovering. Much of your poem is my life, too. You came out all right. Your artistic nature is part of your salvation. I love the way you used water over and over to tell your life story, then the "firewater". Brilliant. The water of life.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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thank you so much. Yes, real life is raw and wonderful. i wouldn't change a thing.
Comment from Bill O'Bier
Everyone is handed adversity in life. No one's journey is easy. We don't develop courage by being happy every day. We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. I loved your poem about going beyond your sadness and despair. Thanks for sharing this most sensitive story.
Bill~
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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Everyone is handed adversity in life. No one's journey is easy. We don't develop courage by being happy every day. We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. I loved your poem about going beyond your sadness and despair. Thanks for sharing this most sensitive story.
Bill~
Comment Written 08-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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thank you, Free verse is my favorite vessel . It flows easily for me. I t was fun to try to find the different colors to express the different times. Life is wonderful now. i wouldn't change a minute. It was my journey.
Comment from sue133
This is really good! It's message is loud and clear.........make your own choices. The alliteration and lay-out, with colour cascading down the words, is exceptional. What a great piece of writing. Susan
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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This is really good! It's message is loud and clear.........make your own choices. The alliteration and lay-out, with colour cascading down the words, is exceptional. What a great piece of writing. Susan
Comment Written 08-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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thank you Sue, I so appreciate your review. I worked hard on this one. Color is a wonderful way to change moods.
