Tin Cup
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Dark Days"An American Civil War vet heads west.
12 total reviews
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
This reads as a professional write, the flow and interest in the piece is fluid, it is brilliantly written and very enjoyable to read you have quite a talent kindest regards and very well done Meia :) x
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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This reads as a professional write, the flow and interest in the piece is fluid, it is brilliantly written and very enjoyable to read you have quite a talent kindest regards and very well done Meia :) x
Comment Written 10-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Meia,
Thank you very much for the review and your comments.
DeLaHay.
Comment from Zue65
I learned a lot from the story of Abe, Helga, Mary and Oota. This showed a glimpse of the early history of the native Americans. I am not really well versed with American history so your post is quite informative. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2017
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I learned a lot from the story of Abe, Helga, Mary and Oota. This showed a glimpse of the early history of the native Americans. I am not really well versed with American history so your post is quite informative. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2017
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Thank you for reading my story. I'm glad you were able to get something out of reading it. I appreciate your support.
Comment from light
I owe my life to a goat, so i have a lot in common with this baby. I would have starved to death without it. I found this story spellbinding.
E
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2017
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I owe my life to a goat, so i have a lot in common with this baby. I would have starved to death without it. I found this story spellbinding.
E
Comment Written 09-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2017
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That is an interesting opening statement. Thank you for your review. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from Smokes Widow
I wish you could have met Oota., - delete comma.
I like the story. It's very friendly and an easy read. I haven't read the other 15 chapters as this is the only one that popped up at the moment. I like the synopsis, it gets you what you need to know to get into the story.
The section about they meet, they marry, they have a daughter....wow like 10 lines to cover many years lol. Kinda the fast lane on steroids! Slow it down a bit, let us see them fall in love somehow. Let us share in the joy of that first kick of the baby or whatever...something.
I immediately like the characters. I feel myself rooting for them, and I'm happy when they are okay. The death of the two women seems rushed as well, no emotion shown only told.
I always hear "show it, don't tell it" as a criticism, I guess it applies here a bit.
I saw your comment that you never intended him to live past the point of being shot, but you committed to furthering the story, so let us taste it before we swallow!
Great characters, nice concept, good weaving of the facts (small pox blankets) into the narrative.
Punctuation, grammar, *voice*, etc are very well done with the exception above of the extra comma.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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I wish you could have met Oota., - delete comma.
I like the story. It's very friendly and an easy read. I haven't read the other 15 chapters as this is the only one that popped up at the moment. I like the synopsis, it gets you what you need to know to get into the story.
The section about they meet, they marry, they have a daughter....wow like 10 lines to cover many years lol. Kinda the fast lane on steroids! Slow it down a bit, let us see them fall in love somehow. Let us share in the joy of that first kick of the baby or whatever...something.
I immediately like the characters. I feel myself rooting for them, and I'm happy when they are okay. The death of the two women seems rushed as well, no emotion shown only told.
I always hear "show it, don't tell it" as a criticism, I guess it applies here a bit.
I saw your comment that you never intended him to live past the point of being shot, but you committed to furthering the story, so let us taste it before we swallow!
Great characters, nice concept, good weaving of the facts (small pox blankets) into the narrative.
Punctuation, grammar, *voice*, etc are very well done with the exception above of the extra comma.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Thank you for your review. I could be that some of the back story is in the previous chapters. You can find a link to them at the top right corner of a chapter.
Comment from robyn corum
Seems like I read these out of order -- I do that a lot, but they still had the same meaning. And I enjoyed them just the same. Thanks for sharing this story! I enjoyed!
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Seems like I read these out of order -- I do that a lot, but they still had the same meaning. And I enjoyed them just the same. Thanks for sharing this story! I enjoyed!
Comment Written 08-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Thank you for reading, whichever order they were read in. May have made a little more sense the other way, but apparently you figured things out.
Comment from Heidi M
This felt rushed to me because suddenly Abe, Oota and Helga are gone. I think we need to walk that road and experience what Jess felt when those people close to him died. I didn't understand who he was talking to when the "Little Mary grew like a weed" part started. I have really enjoyed this story and want it to be a little more in depth.
(Its) milk seemed -Delete apostrophe
I though(t) losing
hear you[r] say - Delete 'r'
I've heard about the 'small pox blankets' before and think that was a really good thing for you to work into your story.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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This felt rushed to me because suddenly Abe, Oota and Helga are gone. I think we need to walk that road and experience what Jess felt when those people close to him died. I didn't understand who he was talking to when the "Little Mary grew like a weed" part started. I have really enjoyed this story and want it to be a little more in depth.
(Its) milk seemed -Delete apostrophe
I though(t) losing
hear you[r] say - Delete 'r'
I've heard about the 'small pox blankets' before and think that was a really good thing for you to work into your story.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2017
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Yes, this was a little rushed I suppose. I guess you didn't read the next chapter. In the author's notes I mentioned that I never intended this story to be this long. Jess was supposed to have died when Charlie shot him. I've been trying to end this story ever since but I always seemed to leave things on a cliffhanger and people said they wanted to know what happened next. I could have walked us through everything that happened but that would have taken several more chapters. Thank you for pointing out my typos. I don't know why I can't find all of them before I post. I guessd I need all the help I can get. I appreciate the help.
Comment from LaRosa
I enjoyed especially your intro paragraph:
"Darker days I thought I'd never see at that time. But time held all the cards. What
I had been going through were the golden day."
What an interestingly different way to describe/express his life in hind-sight!
Only saw a few typo's:
"I (thought) losing Abe..."
"We didn't know then that (the) USArmy...
"...about the first time we met, didn't I (comma)
I am curious about the interviewer/interviewee (if that's a word) form of telling. It kinda threw me off to have quotation marks to open what appears to be the speech of each speaker without some closure, someplace.
That being said, I'm not sure what form to use that wouldn't lose your conversational approach.
You could lead into each person's speech as you might in a play/news/script, by
naming him EX)
Joshua:
Mr.Harper:
Just something to think about because the story-line suddenly seemed changed to an interview half way through. Then I realized it had been all along.
Perhaps I should go back and try to catch up on past chapters.
BUT I do still enjoy the story.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2017
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I enjoyed especially your intro paragraph:
"Darker days I thought I'd never see at that time. But time held all the cards. What
I had been going through were the golden day."
What an interestingly different way to describe/express his life in hind-sight!
Only saw a few typo's:
"I (thought) losing Abe..."
"We didn't know then that (the) USArmy...
"...about the first time we met, didn't I (comma)
I am curious about the interviewer/interviewee (if that's a word) form of telling. It kinda threw me off to have quotation marks to open what appears to be the speech of each speaker without some closure, someplace.
That being said, I'm not sure what form to use that wouldn't lose your conversational approach.
You could lead into each person's speech as you might in a play/news/script, by
naming him EX)
Joshua:
Mr.Harper:
Just something to think about because the story-line suddenly seemed changed to an interview half way through. Then I realized it had been all along.
Perhaps I should go back and try to catch up on past chapters.
BUT I do still enjoy the story.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2017
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According to what I've read about quotation marks, and what I've seen in published books, if a person is speaking, and what they are saying continues in another paragraph, the quotation marks are not closed in the first part but are placed again at the beginning of the next paragraph. That is how one can keep up with who is speaking. I tried to do this with the dialog but is is possible I got some of it wrong. I'll check it out. Thank you for your comments and for pointing out my typos.
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Sorry, 'dialogue'.
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?
Comment from royowen
So things have moved on with Jess Harper, he's lost Abe,to smallpox Oota and Helga, but Mary survived? The years slip by and Mary is married and Jess meets a cousin of Helga, and Joshua looks like Abe as he was. Well done, good writing, good story and characters, blessings, Roy
Typo : He said he was Abe's nep(h)ew.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2017
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So things have moved on with Jess Harper, he's lost Abe,to smallpox Oota and Helga, but Mary survived? The years slip by and Mary is married and Jess meets a cousin of Helga, and Joshua looks like Abe as he was. Well done, good writing, good story and characters, blessings, Roy
Typo : He said he was Abe's nep(h)ew.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2017
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I saw that typo and thought I had fixed it. Maybe I didn't save? Thank you for pointing it out. I appreciate the help.
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Most welcome
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The verbal structure of the story reminisces Jess Harper's encounter with his adversaries and the eventual saving of his life by Abe and Helga who became his wife and mother of his daughter, Mary.
The work highights the near death situations of Jess and Helga; their triumph over death and their commendable effort at overcoming the odds before them.
The work constitutes a significant commentary that attests to the fact that some people are destined to be together.
Excellent work! Bravo!
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2017
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The verbal structure of the story reminisces Jess Harper's encounter with his adversaries and the eventual saving of his life by Abe and Helga who became his wife and mother of his daughter, Mary.
The work highights the near death situations of Jess and Helga; their triumph over death and their commendable effort at overcoming the odds before them.
The work constitutes a significant commentary that attests to the fact that some people are destined to be together.
Excellent work! Bravo!
Comment Written 07-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2017
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I appreciate your kind remarks. My characters had some hard times, but I hope I gave them some good out of life as well. I had trouble ending this story as I never intended for it to go this far.
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Great Work!
Keep on flourishing!
Comment from winnona
A very well-written part of your story.The details like the blankets carrying small pox brought the story to life as I read it.The world was such a different place back then.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2017
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A very well-written part of your story.The details like the blankets carrying small pox brought the story to life as I read it.The world was such a different place back then.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2017
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Thank you for reading my story and for your comments. Life was much different at that time, but I wonder how much difference there is in the people.
