Haiku/Haiga
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "haiga (choked cargo bay)"haiku and haiga
7 total reviews
Comment from Leineco
Great juxtaposition of girded/starved. . .I guess that would fall in the
Technique of Comparison (the odd similarity or commonality of opposites).
Your haiku paints this dichotomy in vivid imagery that demands a satori like
recognition/understanding of cause and effect.
Nicely done Dean :-)
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Great juxtaposition of girded/starved. . .I guess that would fall in the
Technique of Comparison (the odd similarity or commonality of opposites).
Your haiku paints this dichotomy in vivid imagery that demands a satori like
recognition/understanding of cause and effect.
Nicely done Dean :-)
Comment Written 19-Jan-2017
Comment from Rasmine
Hi, Mikey! This is really good. I like the way your words flow together. It's funny, too. My favorite part is 'to gorge humans', and the contrast 'starving ocean'. It really flows. :)
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Hi, Mikey! This is really good. I like the way your words flow together. It's funny, too. My favorite part is 'to gorge humans', and the contrast 'starving ocean'. It really flows. :)
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Afternoon, Mikey,
I enjoyed your haiku this afternoon.
You're within the syllable count and have provided two grammatically connected lines presented in present tense as well as an excellent satori line. I do have some questions/concerns about part of the haiku as follows:
I have two concerns about line two. The first is your use of the verb 'to gorge.' The way the line is written leads the readers to think the fish are going to gorge on humans. I think you meant that humans are going to gorge on the fish. I do know that piranha gorge on humans as well as most fish and bottom feeders will gorge on dead bodies.
The second part of my concern with this line is that it is not an observable fact that the fish will be gorged upon my humans. From my understanding of haiku as taught by Alvin, this would be considered 'desk haiku' since it projects what the poet is thinking rather than what he/she is observing. Thus, 'to gorge humans' is both an abstraction since dead or soon to be dead fish cannot gorge humans as well as a desk haiku.
I liked the satori line as a contrast to the cargo bay full of fish. My only suggestion for this one would be to eliminate the 'ing' and say: ocean starves, which is an of itself a personification of nature, or depleted ocean.
I'm just thinking out loud here, but trying to show what I'm thinking:
cargo bay
chocked full of fish
depleted ocean
This haiku does make the reader pause and think of how mankind is damaging and overfishing the oceans.
If you make any edits, please let me know and I'll return and review again.
Respectfully,
Ray
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Good Afternoon, Mikey,
I enjoyed your haiku this afternoon.
You're within the syllable count and have provided two grammatically connected lines presented in present tense as well as an excellent satori line. I do have some questions/concerns about part of the haiku as follows:
I have two concerns about line two. The first is your use of the verb 'to gorge.' The way the line is written leads the readers to think the fish are going to gorge on humans. I think you meant that humans are going to gorge on the fish. I do know that piranha gorge on humans as well as most fish and bottom feeders will gorge on dead bodies.
The second part of my concern with this line is that it is not an observable fact that the fish will be gorged upon my humans. From my understanding of haiku as taught by Alvin, this would be considered 'desk haiku' since it projects what the poet is thinking rather than what he/she is observing. Thus, 'to gorge humans' is both an abstraction since dead or soon to be dead fish cannot gorge humans as well as a desk haiku.
I liked the satori line as a contrast to the cargo bay full of fish. My only suggestion for this one would be to eliminate the 'ing' and say: ocean starves, which is an of itself a personification of nature, or depleted ocean.
I'm just thinking out loud here, but trying to show what I'm thinking:
cargo bay
chocked full of fish
depleted ocean
This haiku does make the reader pause and think of how mankind is damaging and overfishing the oceans.
If you make any edits, please let me know and I'll return and review again.
Respectfully,
Ray
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Michael,
Excellent haiga, thank you For posting to the book. :)
Fat cargo bay Full of Fish For Fat humans... nice alliteration! It sounds so 'F'abulous. It's a Fantastic and Fun poem, my Friend.
Hahaha I am sorry, I could not resist. :)
fat cargo bay full of fish for fat humans--starving ocean.
I like the meaning of your haiga. It is a very strong statement on Feast and Famine. To me, it's about greedy rich and starving poor. It can also be taken quite literally, the fish is for the fat people of America, we are all so fat, we really have a weight and nutrition problem in our country. The oceans are starving because we buy more than we can chew. Humans are not like other animals, who eat to survive and do not over eat or over stack their covers to the brim with tons of meat or fish or fowl.
I could go on and on because a good haiku makes you think and ponder. Well done!
luv ya,
Gypsy
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Hello, Michael,
Excellent haiga, thank you For posting to the book. :)
Fat cargo bay Full of Fish For Fat humans... nice alliteration! It sounds so 'F'abulous. It's a Fantastic and Fun poem, my Friend.
Hahaha I am sorry, I could not resist. :)
fat cargo bay full of fish for fat humans--starving ocean.
I like the meaning of your haiga. It is a very strong statement on Feast and Famine. To me, it's about greedy rich and starving poor. It can also be taken quite literally, the fish is for the fat people of America, we are all so fat, we really have a weight and nutrition problem in our country. The oceans are starving because we buy more than we can chew. Humans are not like other animals, who eat to survive and do not over eat or over stack their covers to the brim with tons of meat or fish or fowl.
I could go on and on because a good haiku makes you think and ponder. Well done!
luv ya,
Gypsy
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
Comment from Donya Quijote
Good imagery and social commentary. Many of those that study ocean would agree with your assessment that it is starving.
One thing that is funny about haiku is that lacks many of the tools used in more formal styles of poetry. One of my favorites is alliteration. The repetition of so many f sounds is overwhelming and for me at least takes something away from this the potential power of your haiku. My recommendation would be to trim the fish bones from this yarn. It will be stronger I think end the end...
Keep it up. Haiku morning, noon, and night...
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Good imagery and social commentary. Many of those that study ocean would agree with your assessment that it is starving.
One thing that is funny about haiku is that lacks many of the tools used in more formal styles of poetry. One of my favorites is alliteration. The repetition of so many f sounds is overwhelming and for me at least takes something away from this the potential power of your haiku. My recommendation would be to trim the fish bones from this yarn. It will be stronger I think end the end...
Keep it up. Haiku morning, noon, and night...
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
Comment from brenda bickers
Hi Mikey.
How true your words are. we grow fatter feeding on fish while the sea gets depleted of them. Perfect 15 syllables with two connecting first lines and a aha satori.
Well done.
Brenda:))x
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Hi Mikey.
How true your words are. we grow fatter feeding on fish while the sea gets depleted of them. Perfect 15 syllables with two connecting first lines and a aha satori.
Well done.
Brenda:))x
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
Comment from Hayley Solomon
Great haiku, good satori ending, lovely alliteration thrown in, definite contempt for humans and their wasteful, unnecessary consumption.
Definitely merits inclusion!
Hayley:)
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Great haiku, good satori ending, lovely alliteration thrown in, definite contempt for humans and their wasteful, unnecessary consumption.
Definitely merits inclusion!
Hayley:)
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
