Unexpected Encounter - Part One
Chance encounter...or planned?5 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Thesis,
An interesting first chapter - a younger man with a foot fetish.
My goodness!
A well set stage. The drama unfolds ...
Best wishes with the rest of the write.
Until next time,
Sonali
I was rewarded (with) the sight of
soft black leather sea(t?) with ease
revealing those red silk garters and black sheer stockings ( suggest: ... remove 'to me') once again
I nervously finished my drink quickly, ... you have two adverbs here - nervously and quickly. It's best to avoid on the overuse of adjectives and adverbs. Pick the strongest one that works best. I.e. I nervously finished the drink OR I finished the drink quickly.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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Hello Thesis,
An interesting first chapter - a younger man with a foot fetish.
My goodness!
A well set stage. The drama unfolds ...
Best wishes with the rest of the write.
Until next time,
Sonali
I was rewarded (with) the sight of
soft black leather sea(t?) with ease
revealing those red silk garters and black sheer stockings ( suggest: ... remove 'to me') once again
I nervously finished my drink quickly, ... you have two adverbs here - nervously and quickly. It's best to avoid on the overuse of adjectives and adverbs. Pick the strongest one that works best. I.e. I nervously finished the drink OR I finished the drink quickly.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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Thank you Sonali. I made changes to this story. Thanks for pointing out where I needed to edit. The story goes on. Yes, a young man with a penchant for older women and a foot/leg fetish. It could get interesting...
Comment from bookishfabler
I would've given five stars for the story. but it seemed rushed. I know how that is, I di that yesterday because of a contest. There are some comma issues for the most part. I am pointing out the ones I noticed.
as she rounded the corner from the East hallway. The papers she had been carrying flew up into the air as she tried to reach out to steady herself against the wall. Unfortunately
I do this all the time, you wrote 'as she' twice in these two sentences)
The vent of her tailored red silk(,) skirt ripped as she tried to brace her fall, revealing her seamless black sheer(,) stockings and red silk(,) garter hugging her thin sexy thighs.
I glanced at her white(,) silky blouse which was opening (opened) where a button popped as she fell.
her shoulder length(,) auburn hair with champagne highlights.
My ten(-) year old Jaguar
A few seconds passed (-and) (when) I saw her emerge.
slid into the soft black leather (-sear) (seat)
revealing those red(,) silk garters and black(,) sheer stockings to me once again.
at a forty(-) year old woman with lust in his eyes,"
she said(,) laughing.
e said(,) reaching for her hand to help her out of the car.
here the Bellman was holding the door open for us (not wrong, but passive, you can say where the bellman held the door)
Barbara was greeted by her live-in housekeeper(,) Nora, a beautiful Dominican girl around twenty-four years old.
What would you like to drink(,) Mr. Michael?" Nora asked.
Nora retrieved a double(,) old fashion glass(,) added some ice, and poured me a generous three fingers of the whiskey.
She also wore a pair of gold(,) peep(-) toe pumps(,) and replaced the black(,) sheer stockings with an ultra- nude pair that made her legs
I hope this is helpful. If you fix it up, I'll change the stars.
Hugs Heidi
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I would've given five stars for the story. but it seemed rushed. I know how that is, I di that yesterday because of a contest. There are some comma issues for the most part. I am pointing out the ones I noticed.
as she rounded the corner from the East hallway. The papers she had been carrying flew up into the air as she tried to reach out to steady herself against the wall. Unfortunately
I do this all the time, you wrote 'as she' twice in these two sentences)
The vent of her tailored red silk(,) skirt ripped as she tried to brace her fall, revealing her seamless black sheer(,) stockings and red silk(,) garter hugging her thin sexy thighs.
I glanced at her white(,) silky blouse which was opening (opened) where a button popped as she fell.
her shoulder length(,) auburn hair with champagne highlights.
My ten(-) year old Jaguar
A few seconds passed (-and) (when) I saw her emerge.
slid into the soft black leather (-sear) (seat)
revealing those red(,) silk garters and black(,) sheer stockings to me once again.
at a forty(-) year old woman with lust in his eyes,"
she said(,) laughing.
e said(,) reaching for her hand to help her out of the car.
here the Bellman was holding the door open for us (not wrong, but passive, you can say where the bellman held the door)
Barbara was greeted by her live-in housekeeper(,) Nora, a beautiful Dominican girl around twenty-four years old.
What would you like to drink(,) Mr. Michael?" Nora asked.
Nora retrieved a double(,) old fashion glass(,) added some ice, and poured me a generous three fingers of the whiskey.
She also wore a pair of gold(,) peep(-) toe pumps(,) and replaced the black(,) sheer stockings with an ultra- nude pair that made her legs
I hope this is helpful. If you fix it up, I'll change the stars.
Hugs Heidi
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
Comment from c_lucas
Sexual harassment can go either way. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Sexual harassment can go either way. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is very good imagery.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Yes, the harassment can go either way. This one borders on that theme in subsequent parts and will get quite interesting. These characters have a white board to explore many different avenues. Thanks for reading.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Wow, you make me proud to be a woman. Who knew men have such elegant thoughts?
And for an older woman?
Your description and imagery were spot on. You set the stage beautifully and took us on an incredible journey through a man's experience.
Take care,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Wow, you make me proud to be a woman. Who knew men have such elegant thoughts?
And for an older woman?
Your description and imagery were spot on. You set the stage beautifully and took us on an incredible journey through a man's experience.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment Written 16-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thank you Rhonda. Women are quite inspiring and unique, which provides a clean chalkboard to develop their individuality and tastes. The next parts are very revealing. Thanks for reading and for your kind review. Regards, John
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I really like this story. I can't wait for more.
Other than ripping my skirt and having a young man see much more of me than he deserved to, no. I'm fine, but you need to be more careful walking through the hallways," she cautioned. (missing beginning quotation mark)
The very next dialogue is missing the beginning quotation mark too.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2017
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I really like this story. I can't wait for more.
Other than ripping my skirt and having a young man see much more of me than he deserved to, no. I'm fine, but you need to be more careful walking through the hallways," she cautioned. (missing beginning quotation mark)
The very next dialogue is missing the beginning quotation mark too.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2017
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Thanks for catching those, Barbara. I've fixed it. I appreciate your comments. More soon. John
