The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "The Piper, part 10"Young Adult Fantasy
17 total reviews
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
This is a beautifully fleshed out and quite amazing piece of writing I have enjoyed everything that you have written so far, this is brilliant writing and I really connect with your characters great descriptions also. Ending makes me long to read more. Well done. Meia.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
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This is a beautifully fleshed out and quite amazing piece of writing I have enjoyed everything that you have written so far, this is brilliant writing and I really connect with your characters great descriptions also. Ending makes me long to read more. Well done. Meia.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
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Hi Meia,
Thank you for the encouraging review. You brighten my day with your comments. I am pleased you connected with the characters. I am flattered that you want to read more. Thank you for taking time to stop by to read and review. I am still smiling at your kind words.
Debi
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is beautifully penned and a delightful read. I saw no SPAG, but there was one small typo to look at:
"Rupert stood still as a stature" - should this be statue?
I thoroughly enjoyed this descriptively rich installment and look forward to reading more as you close it out giving the reader no other choice but to turn the page to see what happens. Nicely done and I thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
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This is beautifully penned and a delightful read. I saw no SPAG, but there was one small typo to look at:
"Rupert stood still as a stature" - should this be statue?
I thoroughly enjoyed this descriptively rich installment and look forward to reading more as you close it out giving the reader no other choice but to turn the page to see what happens. Nicely done and I thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
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Thank you for the encouraging comments. I am pleased you enjoyed reading and that the chapter feels like a page turner that makes you want to read more. I appreciate you taking time to stop by to read and review.
Comment from giraffmang
Well written piece here,
Good taut descriptions and a bit of intrigue and action near the end. I used wolves similarly in my piper tale a while back as well. they are such good antagonists.
"Master Braun," Piper stammered - you could show the stammering in the dialogue rather than telling us as it doesn't match up. "Ma...Ma... Master Braun."
Rupert stood still as a stature - statue.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
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Well written piece here,
Good taut descriptions and a bit of intrigue and action near the end. I used wolves similarly in my piper tale a while back as well. they are such good antagonists.
"Master Braun," Piper stammered - you could show the stammering in the dialogue rather than telling us as it doesn't match up. "Ma...Ma... Master Braun."
Rupert stood still as a stature - statue.
All the best
G
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
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Hi G,
Thank you for the encouraging words. I appreciate the suggestions and have made changes based on them. Thank you for taking time to stop by to read and review.
Comment from c_lucas
In the days that wolves were in abundance, they ruled the nights. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
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In the days that wolves were in abundance, they ruled the nights. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
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Yes, wolves are villains in many of the older tales because they did rule the night and any unpopulated area. Thank you for the great review.
Comment from Jay Squires
W.J, this is a joy to read, and may I say you make the critiquer's job very easy? You take the time to write clean prose and you have a firm grasp of syntax and grammar. To me, this means you respect your reader and don't want the "movie" your words throw on the screen of his mind to be interrupted by sloppy writing. Your prose shows the evidence of considerable editing and polishing.
In spite of that there will always be some things that slip through the cracks. Like the one just below. Most of my comments are in way of suggestions, not the pointing to grammatical errors. I hope you find my comments helpful.
"Thank." Piper smiled. ["THANKS"?]
"I did get that Master Braun promised her that I would be one of his first apprentices, [I hope you'll allow me to be a little nit-picky here (especially when it's not even a nit), but read your sentence aloud without the second "that." I go through each of my posts before I publish them, and among other things, I put the word "that" in the "find/replace" function on Microsoft Word and check each one, removing a significant number of them THAT aren't needed. It's a rare occurrence I don't eliminate 3 or 4 to the betterment of the sentence. Just a suggestion, to take or reject.]
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly through his mouth, smiling at the coolness as it flowed past his teeth. [I'm wondering if it wouldn't be more accurate to rearrange the sentence thus: "He took a deep breath, smiling at the coolness as it flowed past his teeth, and then let it out slowly through his mouth." The coolness would come from the outside; "Lung-air" would be warmer.]
Rupert stood still as a stature. [Rupert stood still as a STATUE." ?]
Then everything went dark. [I'm wondering if this sentence should be included. It is preceded by the very fluid (and beautifully described) LAST THING he saw before his head hit the log. Leave the reader with the blur of furry and white-haired human images. To add that "everything went dark" suggests something was conscious to realize it. To me it's extraneous. But that's just one writer's opinion.]
Thanks again for sharing your story.
Jay
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2017
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W.J, this is a joy to read, and may I say you make the critiquer's job very easy? You take the time to write clean prose and you have a firm grasp of syntax and grammar. To me, this means you respect your reader and don't want the "movie" your words throw on the screen of his mind to be interrupted by sloppy writing. Your prose shows the evidence of considerable editing and polishing.
In spite of that there will always be some things that slip through the cracks. Like the one just below. Most of my comments are in way of suggestions, not the pointing to grammatical errors. I hope you find my comments helpful.
"Thank." Piper smiled. ["THANKS"?]
"I did get that Master Braun promised her that I would be one of his first apprentices, [I hope you'll allow me to be a little nit-picky here (especially when it's not even a nit), but read your sentence aloud without the second "that." I go through each of my posts before I publish them, and among other things, I put the word "that" in the "find/replace" function on Microsoft Word and check each one, removing a significant number of them THAT aren't needed. It's a rare occurrence I don't eliminate 3 or 4 to the betterment of the sentence. Just a suggestion, to take or reject.]
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly through his mouth, smiling at the coolness as it flowed past his teeth. [I'm wondering if it wouldn't be more accurate to rearrange the sentence thus: "He took a deep breath, smiling at the coolness as it flowed past his teeth, and then let it out slowly through his mouth." The coolness would come from the outside; "Lung-air" would be warmer.]
Rupert stood still as a stature. [Rupert stood still as a STATUE." ?]
Then everything went dark. [I'm wondering if this sentence should be included. It is preceded by the very fluid (and beautifully described) LAST THING he saw before his head hit the log. Leave the reader with the blur of furry and white-haired human images. To add that "everything went dark" suggests something was conscious to realize it. To me it's extraneous. But that's just one writer's opinion.]
Thanks again for sharing your story.
Jay
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2017
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Hi Jay,
Wow. I think this is the best review I have received in a long time. You give encouragement and helpful hints.
I went through and found several more places where I could remove the word "that." I never realized I used it so much. Thank you for pointing out the logic of the air from the outside being colder and lung air being warmer. I adopted you suggestion because it makes sense. I also removed the final sentence. Your are correct; it was not needed.
Thank you for taking the time to read and review. I appreciate the time and effort. This is the type of review that I look forward to getting and which are rare to get. I appreciate the praise with specific reasons for why you give it, and even better the helpful advice on how to improve.
Thank you so much.
Debi
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Ah, Debi, you make it all worthwhile. It's good to feel valued.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Oh my, wolves. Not at all like the ones in Dances with Wolves. A very well written chapter. I didn't find any spags. Good luck with your novel, my friend~Debbie
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reply by the author on 11-Jan-2017
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Oh my, wolves. Not at all like the ones in Dances with Wolves. A very well written chapter. I didn't find any spags. Good luck with your novel, my friend~Debbie
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Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2017
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No, not like the ones in Dances with Wolves. I haven't seen that movie in a while. It might be time to dig it out.
Thank you for the encouraging review, Debbie.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Well done. The dialogue was natural. This was an easy and enjoyable read. You are developing the story line well. Great job.
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reply by the author on 11-Jan-2017
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Well done. The dialogue was natural. This was an easy and enjoyable read. You are developing the story line well. Great job.
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Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2017
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Hi Michael,
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am pleased that you enjoyed reading the story and the story line. Thank you for dropping by to read and review.
Debi
