The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 56 "Boiler Room Crisis"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
24 total reviews
Comment from Dustybones
Good opening paragraph with Sean using 'deft fingers move across bomb components like a pianist stroking a keyboard', with time running out. I see time was stopped, but I don't know what you mean by flying the bomb out. Guess it's all magic.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Good opening paragraph with Sean using 'deft fingers move across bomb components like a pianist stroking a keyboard', with time running out. I see time was stopped, but I don't know what you mean by flying the bomb out. Guess it's all magic.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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No, not exactly magic. Jerry's a vampire and is going to literally fly with it until he gets it to a safe spot. Sean couldn't "magic" it out as he wouldn't know where it would land.
Thanks for the wonderful review, and thoughtful comments.
Rhonda
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
You set the scene well and allow the reader to get to know the characters - which, to me, is what it's all about - great suspense in this part - Sean's quite a personality - a well written chapter, Rhonda - you're such a natural.
Blessings,
Margaret
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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You set the scene well and allow the reader to get to know the characters - which, to me, is what it's all about - great suspense in this part - Sean's quite a personality - a well written chapter, Rhonda - you're such a natural.
Blessings,
Margaret
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Margaret, and coming from you, I take your words as quite a compliment! I notice you spend a lot of time with character development and description as well. In fact, better than I do. I have a habit of going straight for action without setting the stage.
Thank you again.
Rhonda
Comment from Javed05
I enjoyed reading it. It unfolds slowly and has great flow. I was able to create an imagery of this episode in my mind due to easy style of the writing. Could feel their panic. Great work. Thank you
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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I enjoyed reading it. It unfolds slowly and has great flow. I was able to create an imagery of this episode in my mind due to easy style of the writing. Could feel their panic. Great work. Thank you
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much! It's nice you've taken the time and effort to read, what I know, was a rather long story.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
i have been hooked on your stories for some time, how amazingly well they flow and are composed, up to your usual high standards, an exceptional and imaginative write,very well done, kind regards, meia x
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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i have been hooked on your stories for some time, how amazingly well they flow and are composed, up to your usual high standards, an exceptional and imaginative write,very well done, kind regards, meia x
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much, Meia. I'm so happy to have you reviewing my work, and pleased you like them. Your comments are encouraging and your attention rewarding. Thank you again and again,
Rhonda
Comment from robina1978
The artwork is nice and complements this chapter perfectly. I somehow think this is one of your best chapters yet. A bomb being found, and dismembered.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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The artwork is nice and complements this chapter perfectly. I somehow think this is one of your best chapters yet. A bomb being found, and dismembered.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you. I searched for a while for the artwork, and landed on one I felt really fit the chapter. I'm glad you liked it.
Thank you, as well, for the review.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from mbroyles2
That's a neat trick Sean came up with. He might have wanted to start with that. Jesus the suspense was great! If I was BecKY I would have given him more than a slight punch in the arm. I would have belted him.
Great story, I really enjoyed reading it.
Michael
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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That's a neat trick Sean came up with. He might have wanted to start with that. Jesus the suspense was great! If I was BecKY I would have given him more than a slight punch in the arm. I would have belted him.
Great story, I really enjoyed reading it.
Michael
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Yeah, Sean might have, but he's an incongruous character. He loves the dramatic, and challenges. Also, the magic he used to stop time as long as he'll have to will leave him dangerously drained, but that's for a later chapter.
Thanks for taking time to review!
Rhonda
Comment from trumby
Another thrilling chapter from the DD girls. This one is probably the best one that I've read yet. Sean's character is being well displayed here. He sounds like a likable rogue. I hope that it's the image that I'm supposed to get.
"I've TIME stopped time." Am I being picky here? or is this supposed to be here?
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Another thrilling chapter from the DD girls. This one is probably the best one that I've read yet. Sean's character is being well displayed here. He sounds like a likable rogue. I hope that it's the image that I'm supposed to get.
"I've TIME stopped time." Am I being picky here? or is this supposed to be here?
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you for the beautiful six stars!!
Sean is exactly that, a likable rogue. You've caught his mercurial personality well.
Thanks for pointing out the duplicated "time". It's one of the issues with revising. Sometimes we miss the clean up phase. haha.
Thank you, again!!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
Good continuation here.
The story continues as Becky, Sean, and Tommy try to dismantle the ticking bomb. - I still think it would be a good idea to put this in italics or bold to separate it out from the main body of the new post. I like to skip through the summary of the previous!
"What're you doing?" she asked after after a flurry of movements - delete the repetition here.
"Okay, good, but what was all that whirly energy stuff about? - need closing speech marks here.
Now, put the child down. He's only sleeping." - this would suggest Becky had picked Tommy up at some point which isn't the case. Perhaps leave the child alone?
"Can we get back on track." - possibly a question mark in here.
. I'll call him on my cellphone."/"Isn't that frozen too?" - personally I didn't like this bit as to me it doesn't make sense. in order for that call to go through it would have to be rooted through cell towers or satellites and so on. If time is frozen this couldn't happen. I know it's a magical world but this is a real world device with no magical properties that couldn't happen. I think you'd be better off saying something like 'freezin' time ain't the only power I've got' or some other magical means of summoning Jerry. I know it is really incidental but still... lol (I did a lot of research on time for something I wrote a while ago).
She sat the boy gently on the floor - again here, it seems as if she's picked up Tommy but all that was said earlier was 'walked over to tell Tommy the news. To her horror, she found the boy sitting as motionless as death. She reached down to feel for a pulse. There was none.'
but since I've time stopped time, it won't go off for now - perhaps delete the first 'time' here.
I do sort of get the feeling that you are rushing this for some reason. Maybe because you have two novels on the go, or are going for the $50 prize? Anyway, the last couple of instalments have felt a little rushed and not quite as polished. Just an observation.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Hi Rhonda,
Good continuation here.
The story continues as Becky, Sean, and Tommy try to dismantle the ticking bomb. - I still think it would be a good idea to put this in italics or bold to separate it out from the main body of the new post. I like to skip through the summary of the previous!
"What're you doing?" she asked after after a flurry of movements - delete the repetition here.
"Okay, good, but what was all that whirly energy stuff about? - need closing speech marks here.
Now, put the child down. He's only sleeping." - this would suggest Becky had picked Tommy up at some point which isn't the case. Perhaps leave the child alone?
"Can we get back on track." - possibly a question mark in here.
. I'll call him on my cellphone."/"Isn't that frozen too?" - personally I didn't like this bit as to me it doesn't make sense. in order for that call to go through it would have to be rooted through cell towers or satellites and so on. If time is frozen this couldn't happen. I know it's a magical world but this is a real world device with no magical properties that couldn't happen. I think you'd be better off saying something like 'freezin' time ain't the only power I've got' or some other magical means of summoning Jerry. I know it is really incidental but still... lol (I did a lot of research on time for something I wrote a while ago).
She sat the boy gently on the floor - again here, it seems as if she's picked up Tommy but all that was said earlier was 'walked over to tell Tommy the news. To her horror, she found the boy sitting as motionless as death. She reached down to feel for a pulse. There was none.'
but since I've time stopped time, it won't go off for now - perhaps delete the first 'time' here.
I do sort of get the feeling that you are rushing this for some reason. Maybe because you have two novels on the go, or are going for the $50 prize? Anyway, the last couple of instalments have felt a little rushed and not quite as polished. Just an observation.
All the best
G
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much, G. You've managed to catch all those snafu's I thought I'd ironed out by reading back over it 12 times. Problem is, I see what I want it to say, not what it does say.
I fixed the issues on the boy. As you may have guessed, I had Becky pick him up originally, but thought about it, and figured she couldn't easily tote a 13 year-old boy around like a toddler.
I also fixed the cell phone thing. You're right, it was incongruous. A few words and he's back on course.
I'm not trying for the $50 as there are others in here swinging that have bigger sticks than me. I just like to get the 6 in as soon as possible to get it out of the way. I did the same thing last year, and then was injured and off for 6 weeks by doctor's orders. Don't want that to happen again, but am glad I had some wiggle room for posting.
Thanks for noticing!
Rhonda
Comment from royowen
In dismantling the bomb, Sean has to suspend time itself, he gets down to just three wires but doesn't know in which order to cut them, Becky works out that it would be white, pink, blue. Beaky is suspended in time, which feels a little like what death mush feel like. Sean has stopped the bomb by 0.1 so they can take it away a nd explode it safely, well done, Rhonda, you're doing well, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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In dismantling the bomb, Sean has to suspend time itself, he gets down to just three wires but doesn't know in which order to cut them, Becky works out that it would be white, pink, blue. Beaky is suspended in time, which feels a little like what death mush feel like. Sean has stopped the bomb by 0.1 so they can take it away a nd explode it safely, well done, Rhonda, you're doing well, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Roy. I always look forward to your kind reviews.
Hope you are having a great year so far!
Rhonda
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We are thanks Rhonda
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
One can sense that the mischief in this story would appeal to your young readers, Rhonda. I can't wait to see what Sean is going to get up to. I always wondered, now I know leprechauns really can do magic! LOL Giddy
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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One can sense that the mischief in this story would appeal to your young readers, Rhonda. I can't wait to see what Sean is going to get up to. I always wondered, now I know leprechauns really can do magic! LOL Giddy
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Yes, and this one in particular. He's well practiced!!
Sean is one of my favorite characters. In the next book, one I'm not going to rewrite like I am this one, his story is told by Nancy in another assembly.
Thanks for your review and comments!
Rhonda
