haiku duet (gills-gasping fish)
Haiku Club Challenge # 4 air86 total reviews
Comment from mermaids
Your descriptive use of words describes a clear scene of nature. "Seafood flown daily" is a marvelous last line that sums up the preceding verses. Eagles are poetry in motion and your poem captures their fishing skills perfectly.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Your descriptive use of words describes a clear scene of nature. "Seafood flown daily" is a marvelous last line that sums up the preceding verses. Eagles are poetry in motion and your poem captures their fishing skills perfectly.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Yes, Mermaids, eagles are poetry in motion. I was awestruck to see an eagle fly over my house with a swishing fish gripped in its talons. I never forgot the sight. Thank you for your review.
Comment from mvbrooks
I especially liked the wit in the first Haiku with the "air apparent." Witnessing a live eagle flying outside of captivity would be captivating--witnessing him flying with his catch-of-the-day would be highly memorable.
You seem to have a strong sense of the haiku style.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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I especially liked the wit in the first Haiku with the "air apparent." Witnessing a live eagle flying outside of captivity would be captivating--witnessing him flying with his catch-of-the-day would be highly memorable.
You seem to have a strong sense of the haiku style.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Yes, mvbrooks, I was awestruck to see an eagle fly over my house with a swishing fish gripped in its talons. I never forgot the sight. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Badger_29
I loved air/heir apparent, clever play on words. You have combined a wonderful duet of haiku, fabulous image, and a captivating real life event to make this a trifecta of the highest caliber.
You continue to entertain, inspire, and mentor; I am honored.
Brother Badger
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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I loved air/heir apparent, clever play on words. You have combined a wonderful duet of haiku, fabulous image, and a captivating real life event to make this a trifecta of the highest caliber.
You continue to entertain, inspire, and mentor; I am honored.
Brother Badger
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Brother Badger, I am honored by your review of "a wonderful duet of haiku, fabulous image, and a captivating real life event to make this a trifecta of the highest caliber."
Comment from estory
I liked this two stanza haiku, which contained some great use of alliteration to create some great music: the 'gill gasping' 'air apparent' 'flies fish' and 'seafood flown' bits really worked nicely. you really get a sense of the fish being swooped up and being carried off into the air. A nice juxtaposition of images between the fish in the first stanza being surprised in the water by the eagle in the middle of his life and then his life becoming food for the eagle's young in the second stanza. It makes us think about life, larger meanings within the smaller snippets of it. The syllable counts are a little unusual, not quite strictly traditional, with that short 4 syllable line in the first stanza and then again in the second. I think its ok to deviate at times, but you might want to perfectly balance it with an exact replica in the second stanza and drop that last syllable in the last line. makes it a bit more difficult to write and just a thought estory
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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I liked this two stanza haiku, which contained some great use of alliteration to create some great music: the 'gill gasping' 'air apparent' 'flies fish' and 'seafood flown' bits really worked nicely. you really get a sense of the fish being swooped up and being carried off into the air. A nice juxtaposition of images between the fish in the first stanza being surprised in the water by the eagle in the middle of his life and then his life becoming food for the eagle's young in the second stanza. It makes us think about life, larger meanings within the smaller snippets of it. The syllable counts are a little unusual, not quite strictly traditional, with that short 4 syllable line in the first stanza and then again in the second. I think its ok to deviate at times, but you might want to perfectly balance it with an exact replica in the second stanza and drop that last syllable in the last line. makes it a bit more difficult to write and just a thought estory
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Thank you, estory, for your review and suggestions. Haiku are allowed to have seventeen syllables or less. A group of them may have irregular lengths as I write with the fewest words possible and will not add unnecessary syllables. Thanks again.
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I've done some 5-7-3 stanzas in haiku, because I like to dare to be different too. I think the traditional is 5-7-5. I will post some soon and you can let me know what you think of mine estory
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Estory, I see you just joined FanStory. Welcome aboard and I look forward to seeing your work soon.
Andre
Comment from Rubylou
Great haiku!
You have painted an extremely vivid picture with, "gills-gasping fish."
I can see the poor fish struggling for its last breath.
Just as effective is, "...eaglets gaping beak."
I enjoyed the play on words, "seafood flown daily."
Wonderful writing
Rubylou
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Great haiku!
You have painted an extremely vivid picture with, "gills-gasping fish."
I can see the poor fish struggling for its last breath.
Just as effective is, "...eaglets gaping beak."
I enjoyed the play on words, "seafood flown daily."
Wonderful writing
Rubylou
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Rubylou, for your generous, six star review. I am glad you enjoyed my play on words. Cheers.
Comment from Janet Foor
Wow! I too have witnessed a bald eagle carrying a fish. It was in a remote area of Alaska and the fish (a salmon) was too big for him but he continued to work at it until he finally flew off with it. We were watching from a cabin through binoculars. Wish we would have photographed it but we were to mesmerized by the sight.
Very nice haiku duet. I especially liked the satori lines in each one.
Blessings
Janet
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Wow! I too have witnessed a bald eagle carrying a fish. It was in a remote area of Alaska and the fish (a salmon) was too big for him but he continued to work at it until he finally flew off with it. We were watching from a cabin through binoculars. Wish we would have photographed it but we were to mesmerized by the sight.
Very nice haiku duet. I especially liked the satori lines in each one.
Blessings
Janet
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Yes, Janet, I live near San Francisco and was amazed to see an eagle fly overhead with a fish. I never forgot the sight and talk about it today. Thank you for your generous, six star review and for sharing your Alaskan memories.
Comment from Drew Delaney
I am not really an expert on reviewing haikus. Yours seems to be good but like I have stated, I really am not a good judge of such types of poetry like the Haiku. After I have read that it sometimes takes years to write a good one, I decided not to judge. Best wishes though and a happy new year.
Drew xx
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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I am not really an expert on reviewing haikus. Yours seems to be good but like I have stated, I really am not a good judge of such types of poetry like the Haiku. After I have read that it sometimes takes years to write a good one, I decided not to judge. Best wishes though and a happy new year.
Drew xx
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Yes, Drew, the eagle incident I observed happened ten years ago but it took me two days to write the haiku which went through many revisions. Thank you for your review anyhow.
Comment from TAB_that's me
Being a fish out in the air would be so hard - poor fish:)
Great haiku. Love 'gills-gasping. great alliteration there and also with air apparent and flies fish.
teresa
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Being a fish out in the air would be so hard - poor fish:)
Great haiku. Love 'gills-gasping. great alliteration there and also with air apparent and flies fish.
teresa
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Teresa, for your review and pointing out what you enjoyed.
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a great double response to the challenge. Both the satoris are first class and lose nothing from being well established phrases in their own right, unconnected with their respective haikus that the fit so perfectly.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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This is a great double response to the challenge. Both the satoris are first class and lose nothing from being well established phrases in their own right, unconnected with their respective haikus that the fit so perfectly.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Pantygynt, for your generous review of my great double response to this haiku challenge.
Comment from nancyrabbrose
Wow, you have written two great haikus. So clever. I especially like "air apparent" and "seafood flown daily". I can see the story happening and feel it. Your gift for haiku is amazing. Well done.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Wow, you have written two great haikus. So clever. I especially like "air apparent" and "seafood flown daily". I can see the story happening and feel it. Your gift for haiku is amazing. Well done.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Thank you, thank you, thank you, Nancy, for giving me my first six star review of the year for my "two great haikus." Yes, I write haiku so people "can see the story happening and feel it." Thanks for your amazing review.
