haiku duet (gills-gasping fish)
Haiku Club Challenge # 4 air86 total reviews
Comment from mbroyles2
Terrific imagery of an eagle flying with its meal for the day. Bringing it home for the young ones.
Really well presented.
Michael
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
  |
Terrific imagery of an eagle flying with its meal for the day. Bringing it home for the young ones.
Really well presented.
Michael
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Michael, for your review of my "really well presented" haiku.
Comment from kiwisteveh
There is a lot to like about your haiku duet. #1 opens with the striking image plus alliteration of gills-gasping. Anyone ho has ever sen a fish out of water will know that one. then there's the fish/swish rhyme and more G sounds to join the original alliteration, and finally the pun on 'air apparent'. The only thing that could have made that better was of there was some sign of the 'heir' meaning - maybe that's where #2 comes in!
This one is not so 'clever' perhaps, relying on this new meaning of the familiar 'seafood flown daily' for impact.
Nice work.
Steve
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
|
There is a lot to like about your haiku duet. #1 opens with the striking image plus alliteration of gills-gasping. Anyone ho has ever sen a fish out of water will know that one. then there's the fish/swish rhyme and more G sounds to join the original alliteration, and finally the pun on 'air apparent'. The only thing that could have made that better was of there was some sign of the 'heir' meaning - maybe that's where #2 comes in!
This one is not so 'clever' perhaps, relying on this new meaning of the familiar 'seafood flown daily' for impact.
Nice work.
Steve
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Steve, for your review and for pointing out what you found "clever" and why. I appreciate it.
Comment from Jay Squires
I keep going back to this, Andre. I loaded it in the A.M., and here it is nearly eleven P.M. and still I read it with renewed interest. My God, Andre, this is brilliant in its clever use of language that is of the poem's cloth, while it simultaneously escapes the fabric to explode forth a little joke. Smile, laughter, finished, one takes the "punch line" back into the fuller meaning and discovers just how artfully constructed it is. And this comes from a reviewer who does not enjoy the Haiku form that much.
This is fine fare, my friend, a New Year's gift for the reader.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
 |
I keep going back to this, Andre. I loaded it in the A.M., and here it is nearly eleven P.M. and still I read it with renewed interest. My God, Andre, this is brilliant in its clever use of language that is of the poem's cloth, while it simultaneously escapes the fabric to explode forth a little joke. Smile, laughter, finished, one takes the "punch line" back into the fuller meaning and discovers just how artfully constructed it is. And this comes from a reviewer who does not enjoy the Haiku form that much.
This is fine fare, my friend, a New Year's gift for the reader.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Jay, for your generous, six star review of my "artfully constructed" haiku. It took me two days and fifty draft lines to settle upon the final six. Lord help me if I ever decide to write a play! One thing I enjoy is creating haiku which resonates with people who normally do not read or enjoy it. Thank you again. I will likely work on logic and structure next with your script.
Comment from Alex Biasin
Very clever and well done.
I liked the way you had the two haiku's working together, one from each of the protagonist's point of view.
Really made the image and the scene come alive.
A very clever approach and I thought they were both excellent.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
|
Very clever and well done.
I liked the way you had the two haiku's working together, one from each of the protagonist's point of view.
Really made the image and the scene come alive.
A very clever approach and I thought they were both excellent.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Alex, for your review of my "very clever . . . haikus working together." I am glad they made the image come alive.
Comment from Nickki007
This poem had no spelling errors, and good meter especially in part one overall it was not particularly gripping but since you are an oral storyteller this might change with voice also a good visual was used.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
 |
This poem had no spelling errors, and good meter especially in part one overall it was not particularly gripping but since you are an oral storyteller this might change with voice also a good visual was used.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Nickki, for your gripping review. Yes, I like the idea of performing these haiku at open mics. A growing number of reviewers such as you have requested that I perform them. I will see what I can do with my voice. Thank you for the encouragement! : )
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
1 )
gills-gasping fish 4
swishes against eagle's grip 7
air apparent 4
hahaha ... good play on words :) it seems like he inherited death... Awesome!
2)
eagle flies fish 4
towards spring eaglet's gaping beak 7
seafood flown daily 5
I love your satori :) mama has to take daily trips to the fish market (equivalent) to feed her babies ... nice play on words and insightful observations. Well done!
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
|
1 )
gills-gasping fish 4
swishes against eagle's grip 7
air apparent 4
hahaha ... good play on words :) it seems like he inherited death... Awesome!
2)
eagle flies fish 4
towards spring eaglet's gaping beak 7
seafood flown daily 5
I love your satori :) mama has to take daily trips to the fish market (equivalent) to feed her babies ... nice play on words and insightful observations. Well done!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Gypsy, for your review and encouragement of my "nice play on words and insightful observations." I'm having a lot of fun writing these and just reserved a copy of The Book of Haiku at the library. Thanks for your leadership and support of haiku.
-
You're welcome my friend
Gypsy hugs sweetie pie
Comment from jmcfadden1528
I loved how you described the scenario from two opposite points of view - the fish and the eagle. My favorite line was that last one: "seafood flown daily." It is a humorous line, but it offers an interesting view on that of an eagle feeding its young. Nice work on this poem! Keep them coming!
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
|
I loved how you described the scenario from two opposite points of view - the fish and the eagle. My favorite line was that last one: "seafood flown daily." It is a humorous line, but it offers an interesting view on that of an eagle feeding its young. Nice work on this poem! Keep them coming!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, jmcfadden, for your generous review of my haiku about the fish and the eagle. I went through fifty lines of drafts over the course of two days to settle upon my final six lines. I will keep these haiku coming!
Comment from lancellot
A two stack haiku. Very clever. I don't know this particular challenge but the I like the work and symbolism you put into this. Nothing says freedom more than an Eagle.
Well done.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
|
A two stack haiku. Very clever. I don't know this particular challenge but the I like the work and symbolism you put into this. Nothing says freedom more than an Eagle.
Well done.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
-
Yes, lancellot, nothing says freedom more than an Eagle. The theme of this challenge was air. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Very good. Once while I was riding my motorcycle across Three Mile Bridge in Punta Gorda a bald eagle swooped down to eye level and flew beside me the whole way across the bridge. A once in a lifetime moment.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
|
Very good. Once while I was riding my motorcycle across Three Mile Bridge in Punta Gorda a bald eagle swooped down to eye level and flew beside me the whole way across the bridge. A once in a lifetime moment.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
-
Thomas, please, write a poem or a story about your flying black and white escort across Three Mile Bridge. Now that's a story. Share your once in a lifetime moment. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Nika2016
Wow...his talons look like little grasping hands...
These are nice haikus and I am wondering what the subject is...I will read notes
to poem...It is a fun
challenge. I wrote 2 so far.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
|
Wow...his talons look like little grasping hands...
These are nice haikus and I am wondering what the subject is...I will read notes
to poem...It is a fun
challenge. I wrote 2 so far.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
-
Great, Nika2016, I look forward to reading yours. The theme this week is air. Seeing an eagle fly a fish a mile inland over my backyard is a sight I will always remember. Thank you for your review.
