haiku (earthworms swarm sidewalk)
Haiku Club Challenge # 3 earth62 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
slither, squiggle, squish ...
I was fine with your observance until I got to the squish. Yuck! haha
But there is really no way to avoid the little critters when they are out in droves.
Fine haiku, Andre.
I wish I could come up with such a complete, expressive thought. You describe so much with so few words.
Best wishes,
:) e
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
  |
slither, squiggle, squish ...
I was fine with your observance until I got to the squish. Yuck! haha
But there is really no way to avoid the little critters when they are out in droves.
Fine haiku, Andre.
I wish I could come up with such a complete, expressive thought. You describe so much with so few words.
Best wishes,
:) e
Comment Written 01-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, barking dog, for your review of "such a complete expressive thought." I am glad you got the "squish."
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the challenge beautifully. The line and syllable counts are spot on with excellent word economy since you used none of those tiny filler words which waste syllables.
"earthworms swarm sidewalk" - good imagery and alliteration!
after winter rains flood lawn - imagery connects well to previous line and kigo is concrete in the words 'after winter'.
slither, squiggle, squish - creative satori as it implies both action and sound enhancing the visual painted.
Nicely done and I thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
|
This meets the challenge beautifully. The line and syllable counts are spot on with excellent word economy since you used none of those tiny filler words which waste syllables.
"earthworms swarm sidewalk" - good imagery and alliteration!
after winter rains flood lawn - imagery connects well to previous line and kigo is concrete in the words 'after winter'.
slither, squiggle, squish - creative satori as it implies both action and sound enhancing the visual painted.
Nicely done and I thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Mystic Angel, for your review. I hate filler words, too. With only seventeen syllables or less, one can accomplish much by choosing concrete words and descriptive verbs. Thanks for recognizing this.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written haiku. Earth worms are part of the earth and are slithering, squiggling underground creatures that often gets accidentally squished or cut in half, but the always regrow their missing parts.
Happy New Year.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
|
A very well-written haiku. Earth worms are part of the earth and are slithering, squiggling underground creatures that often gets accidentally squished or cut in half, but the always regrow their missing parts.
Happy New Year.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
-
Yes, Sandra, worms are amazing, regenerative creatures. Thank you for your review.
Comment from William Ross
hahaha, yeah I see this all the time after a good hard rain, I like to go outright after a rain and get the night crawlers for fishing. have a Happy New Year
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
|
hahaha, yeah I see this all the time after a good hard rain, I like to go outright after a rain and get the night crawlers for fishing. have a Happy New Year
Comment Written 01-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
-
Yes, William, this is a good source for fishing bait. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The objective correlative of the poem is natures prompt response to rainfall.
The work highlights the usual proliferation of worms on sidewalks occasioned by rainfall.
The work earns its texture through its strict compliance with the haiku format.
Excellent work! Bravo!
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
|
The objective correlative of the poem is natures prompt response to rainfall.
The work highlights the usual proliferation of worms on sidewalks occasioned by rainfall.
The work earns its texture through its strict compliance with the haiku format.
Excellent work! Bravo!
Comment Written 01-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Lloyd, for your generous review of my textured haiku. I appreciate your compliments.
-
Happy New Year!
Comment from closetpoetjester
Haha a cute little poem dragging the reader directly into the fray of being a worm on the sidewalk after rain.
Great alliteration in the satori...pity though it had to end on a flat note haha
Slippery, squirmy and just the right amount of squashy for me haha Well done!
Cheers P
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
|
Haha a cute little poem dragging the reader directly into the fray of being a worm on the sidewalk after rain.
Great alliteration in the satori...pity though it had to end on a flat note haha
Slippery, squirmy and just the right amount of squashy for me haha Well done!
Cheers P
Comment Written 01-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
-
Yes, P., my poem came to a final flat note. I am glad you got a squirmy jolt from my poem. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Yes, like this 'specially the - slither, squiggle, squish - as the worms go about their day. I've had a worm farm for years, hard-working little slitherers.
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
|
Yes, like this 'specially the - slither, squiggle, squish - as the worms go about their day. I've had a worm farm for years, hard-working little slitherers.
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 01-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
-
Ah, Valda, a worm farm! Thank you for your review of my haiku about these "hard-working little slitherers."
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I have come to appreciate worms since I went to live in Spain for a while, There weren't any where we lived due to it being the driest part of Spain. And, I have to say, I MISSED them! How sad is that? But they are so good for the soil. Your haiku is so good, and I could just imagine them all coming out in the rain. Love the last line too!! Well done, really good challenge response. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
|
I have come to appreciate worms since I went to live in Spain for a while, There weren't any where we lived due to it being the driest part of Spain. And, I have to say, I MISSED them! How sad is that? But they are so good for the soil. Your haiku is so good, and I could just imagine them all coming out in the rain. Love the last line too!! Well done, really good challenge response. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 01-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Sandra, for your review. I've traveled through Andalucía. While I was not looking for them then, the region is so dry that I cannot imagine worms living there. I am glad you found my "haiku is so good, and I could just imagine them all coming out in the rain."
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Andre,
Your haiku makes me giggle. I remember warms. When I was a little girl, I liked to play with them. I would pick them up carefully at the end of stick and then watched it crawl ssssllllllloooowwwwlllllyyyyyyy damn, those little critters are slow. LoL
==earthworms swarm sidewalk after winter rains flood lawn--slither, squiggle, squish
traditional syllabic count, the syntax is as smooth as a baby's bottom. It flows pleasantly all the way down to the gutter and down the drain.
I like the words you chose. slither, sqquiggle, squish, they sound so great.. I would love to hear you recite this haiku. I heard you are an awesome storyteller.
Well done, Andre.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
|
Hello, Andre,
Your haiku makes me giggle. I remember warms. When I was a little girl, I liked to play with them. I would pick them up carefully at the end of stick and then watched it crawl ssssllllllloooowwwwlllllyyyyyyy damn, those little critters are slow. LoL
==earthworms swarm sidewalk after winter rains flood lawn--slither, squiggle, squish
traditional syllabic count, the syntax is as smooth as a baby's bottom. It flows pleasantly all the way down to the gutter and down the drain.
I like the words you chose. slither, sqquiggle, squish, they sound so great.. I would love to hear you recite this haiku. I heard you are an awesome storyteller.
Well done, Andre.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
-
Yes, Gypsy, I had fun with the language and the descriptions in my haiku. Yes, I may have to recite this. Thanks again for promoting haiku on FanStory. Now, onto the next haiku club contest challenge.
-
Thank you very much, Andre :)
Gypsy
Comment from Heather Knight
This is a very well written poem but a horrible thought. I hate worms!
Your last line is excellent, very visual. I also like the use of onomatopoeia.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
|
This is a very well written poem but a horrible thought. I hate worms!
Your last line is excellent, very visual. I also like the use of onomatopoeia.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Maria, for your review of "a horrible thought." I do not love works either, but they help with the soil. Thanks also for noting my use of vivid language and sounds.
