Tin Cup
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Almost an orphan"An American Civil War vet heads west.
10 total reviews
Comment from winnona
A well-written part to your story The detail and realistic characters brought the story to life for me as I read it. I think you did well on this part of the story and look forward to reading the next part.
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2016
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A well-written part to your story The detail and realistic characters brought the story to life for me as I read it. I think you did well on this part of the story and look forward to reading the next part.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2016
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Thank you for reading my story. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from mbroyles2
This is a good chapter with plenty of suspense statting with Oota shooting the mountain lion. Then we stay up all night fighting Helga's fever.
So why is the baby crying?
Nice hook.
Happy Holidays
Michael
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2016
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This is a good chapter with plenty of suspense statting with Oota shooting the mountain lion. Then we stay up all night fighting Helga's fever.
So why is the baby crying?
Nice hook.
Happy Holidays
Michael
Comment Written 25-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2016
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Thank you for reading my story and for your review. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from LIJ Red
I caught the tail end of an argument, can riding a horse, even shod, on asphalt cause laminitus. The know- it- all said, no, bad bloodline and too fat does it. I had almost forgotten your story. Glad you're going ahead with it.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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I caught the tail end of an argument, can riding a horse, even shod, on asphalt cause laminitus. The know- it- all said, no, bad bloodline and too fat does it. I had almost forgotten your story. Glad you're going ahead with it.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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I think it is overfeeding that mostly causes founder. Thank you for continuing to read my story. This last one took a while to post because I was in the hospital for a while. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from Heidi M
This was an intense chapter with Helga' s delirium and Jess' mountain lion. You described the process of trying to cool her down well. I'm glad Helga' s fever broke. Oota deserves a medal for her sharpshooter and medical skills.
I think baby is crying due to hunger. You have the knack for leaving each chapter with a cliffhanger at the end.
see to (itself)
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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This was an intense chapter with Helga' s delirium and Jess' mountain lion. You described the process of trying to cool her down well. I'm glad Helga' s fever broke. Oota deserves a medal for her sharpshooter and medical skills.
I think baby is crying due to hunger. You have the knack for leaving each chapter with a cliffhanger at the end.
see to (itself)
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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Yeah, I think the baby would be getting pretty hungry by this time. Oota was a Godsend. I wasn't sure how itself was suppose to be spelled. Thank you for the feedback.
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I kept trying to spell it with both the "s"s and it didn't look right but it didn't look right when I left one out. I guess that is right though. I went back and changed it.
Comment from Jay Squires
I enjoyed this chapter, Ward. You handled the suspense of Helga's illness very well.
Leaving the treeline I saw Oota standing in front [Comma after "treeline" (Introductory clause)]
with the blankets tangled aroung her. [... tangled AROUND her.]
My ecstatic cry woke Abe and the baby, who started crying, [Suggest you rearrange the commas: adding one after "Abe" and removing the one after "baby" so it won't sound like Abe AND the baby started crying.]
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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I enjoyed this chapter, Ward. You handled the suspense of Helga's illness very well.
Leaving the treeline I saw Oota standing in front [Comma after "treeline" (Introductory clause)]
with the blankets tangled aroung her. [... tangled AROUND her.]
My ecstatic cry woke Abe and the baby, who started crying, [Suggest you rearrange the commas: adding one after "Abe" and removing the one after "baby" so it won't sound like Abe AND the baby started crying.]
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Hey, you spell around your way and I'll spell it mine! Actually, I commonly make this mistake with my 'g's and 'd's and I thought I had re-read it enough to make sure I had it right. I did a lot of editing after I posted this one so I'll blame it on that. I also added the comma and rearranged the other one. Of course, Abe may have been crying too though.
It took me a while to get this one posted. I decided to take the quick way out of the attic, not using the stairs, so I was in the hospital for a while. Does the food get worse there all the time? I don't see how it could.
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Are you serious? Broken bones? Wow!
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Oddly enough no broken bones, just massive bruising. But for some reason my kidneys were not working right, my blood pressure got very low, and my blood oxygen was low. The doctors couldn't explain why but it must have had something to do with the fall since that was when I started having problems. I was in the ICU for a few days, had lots of tests, but never got an explanation for why it happened.
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I fell through the trap door to the attic and took the frame down with me. I landed on the frame and my side and back were badly bruised. I guess I could have damaged a kidney but I don't know why my blood pressure got so low.
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How odd was that? Did you get what you were in the attic for?
Comment from robyn corum
D.,
A great chapter. You took me there with this poor husband, worried so badly over the health of his wife. Great job. Very realistic!
A note:
1.) bed, covered in sweat, with the blankets tangled (around) her.
Thanks!
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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D.,
A great chapter. You took me there with this poor husband, worried so badly over the health of his wife. Great job. Very realistic!
A note:
1.) bed, covered in sweat, with the blankets tangled (around) her.
Thanks!
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Jay Squires already got me on the around but thank you for the help. I told him he could spell it his way and I'd spell it mine, but I changed it anyway.
Thank you for your continuing support and interest in my story. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from LaRosa
You still have a great story line. I enjoyed this tough man's recognition of love for his wife, his willingness to do anything for her. I smiled as the author described his weakness in the face of womanly pain and issues...
*******************************************************************************
There are some typo's, not many though.
"...as fast as I could (left some words out)
Hint: try not to use so many "I"s in such close proximity. Perhaps try:
'Leaving the tree line, there was Oota, standing...To my surprise, she raised her rifle and point(ed) it in my direction. Frozen in horror, I waited for the shot...ears. Something hit me hard; so why had I been hit from the back/behind? ...mountain lion, which Oota...
(Use the semi-colon because you have 2 complete thoughts that
complete each other even though they could stand alone.)
"...mountain lion, which Oota...
Another place to cut some of the first person pronouns:
"Thinking about it later, I was amazed not only by Oota's ability to shoot,
but also by her accuracy."
"Mr. Jess OK?" she asked. (don't need 'me' because it is understood)
I said, "In my saddlebag. Did you....
"How is Helga?" I asked.
Oota answered, "Still
"...in its stall, (you have same problem I have, don't need the (') to show
possession here...don't ask me why...just true) :)
"Approaching the cabin, I saw Abe (leaving out the extra 'I' again and yet
not losing the meaning)
Also, consider making this personal conversation between men sound personal by speaking as you normally speak. Use a contraction now and then in conversation. Ex) "How's Helga doing?"
"No good," he replied, looking...
"Oota was placing the snow around Helga's body."
Hint: take out the excess words. You already explained in detail (last
chapter?) the process used to bring snow from the mtns.)
"She was thrashing around (so) much, I had to hold it in place. (typo and comma)
"...grew warm, so I put( it) in...
(you accidentally put in an extra 'in') (and so did I?) :)
"...next to the bed. Then I squeezed it out...
(the sentence was getting way too long with too many
separate thoughts. Break them up. It reads better and
lets the reader feel the mood)
Then say: "I did this over and over...
"...in my life; more than....faced. More than.... (good semi-colon moment)
********************************************************************************
I love the thoughts about the prayer moments in his life! Awesome!
********************************************************************************
"I wondered if I was being punished for my sins. If so, why was Helga...
(drop the comma and make 2 solid sentences here. It really makes
his thoughts sound more painful to separate and draw attention to them)
"...silent, Abe's were not. Through the night....
"A faint memory stirred in my head, a memory of my mother, ...in her hand, placing it on my forehead as fever raged through me.
"I don't know how it could have happened, ...dozed off, because...
"I was confused. Why was I sitting...with Helga? Then I remembered.
"...in delirium, but sleeping.
"She looked as exhausted as I felt, but...on Helga's head. She brushed the tangled
hair back from her face. Just as she turned to smile at me, Helga's opened
her eyes and said weakly,
*****************************************************************************
I realize this looks like a lot, but it is mostly grammatical errors-AND, putting too many sentence thoughts together instead of breaking them up.
*******************************************************************************
I'M GLAD YOU'RE BACK! I was wondering when I'd get to read more!
"she was thrashing around too much.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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You still have a great story line. I enjoyed this tough man's recognition of love for his wife, his willingness to do anything for her. I smiled as the author described his weakness in the face of womanly pain and issues...
*******************************************************************************
There are some typo's, not many though.
"...as fast as I could (left some words out)
Hint: try not to use so many "I"s in such close proximity. Perhaps try:
'Leaving the tree line, there was Oota, standing...To my surprise, she raised her rifle and point(ed) it in my direction. Frozen in horror, I waited for the shot...ears. Something hit me hard; so why had I been hit from the back/behind? ...mountain lion, which Oota...
(Use the semi-colon because you have 2 complete thoughts that
complete each other even though they could stand alone.)
"...mountain lion, which Oota...
Another place to cut some of the first person pronouns:
"Thinking about it later, I was amazed not only by Oota's ability to shoot,
but also by her accuracy."
"Mr. Jess OK?" she asked. (don't need 'me' because it is understood)
I said, "In my saddlebag. Did you....
"How is Helga?" I asked.
Oota answered, "Still
"...in its stall, (you have same problem I have, don't need the (') to show
possession here...don't ask me why...just true) :)
"Approaching the cabin, I saw Abe (leaving out the extra 'I' again and yet
not losing the meaning)
Also, consider making this personal conversation between men sound personal by speaking as you normally speak. Use a contraction now and then in conversation. Ex) "How's Helga doing?"
"No good," he replied, looking...
"Oota was placing the snow around Helga's body."
Hint: take out the excess words. You already explained in detail (last
chapter?) the process used to bring snow from the mtns.)
"She was thrashing around (so) much, I had to hold it in place. (typo and comma)
"...grew warm, so I put( it) in...
(you accidentally put in an extra 'in') (and so did I?) :)
"...next to the bed. Then I squeezed it out...
(the sentence was getting way too long with too many
separate thoughts. Break them up. It reads better and
lets the reader feel the mood)
Then say: "I did this over and over...
"...in my life; more than....faced. More than.... (good semi-colon moment)
********************************************************************************
I love the thoughts about the prayer moments in his life! Awesome!
********************************************************************************
"I wondered if I was being punished for my sins. If so, why was Helga...
(drop the comma and make 2 solid sentences here. It really makes
his thoughts sound more painful to separate and draw attention to them)
"...silent, Abe's were not. Through the night....
"A faint memory stirred in my head, a memory of my mother, ...in her hand, placing it on my forehead as fever raged through me.
"I don't know how it could have happened, ...dozed off, because...
"I was confused. Why was I sitting...with Helga? Then I remembered.
"...in delirium, but sleeping.
"She looked as exhausted as I felt, but...on Helga's head. She brushed the tangled
hair back from her face. Just as she turned to smile at me, Helga's opened
her eyes and said weakly,
*****************************************************************************
I realize this looks like a lot, but it is mostly grammatical errors-AND, putting too many sentence thoughts together instead of breaking them up.
*******************************************************************************
I'M GLAD YOU'RE BACK! I was wondering when I'd get to read more!
"she was thrashing around too much.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Thank you for reading and for your feedback. I think I had already changed some of this. I was editing it while you were reviewing I think. I made some of the changes you suggested. I did not change this "...silent, Abe's were not. Through the night...." because I meant to imply that Oota was praying in her own way as well. I hope that I wrote it that way. If it is not too much trouble, could you please read again to see if I made it better or worse with the changes I made.
I've been slow to write more of this because I've been in the hospital. I was in the ICU for a while after falling out of my attic. I was not hurt badly, other than a lot of bruising, but apparently the shock did something to some of my organs. My kidneys were not working properly and my blood pressure got very low. I also wasn't getting enough oxygen to my brain because the oxygen saturation in my blood was too low. None of the doctors could tell me why this was happening so they said it must have had something to do with the fall.
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Can you see me smiling?
I'll look; besides, maybe I wasn't clear.
Oh, my gosh. That sounds pretty traumatic to ME! But I know the body has an incredible ability to heal itself, given a little time. ICU isn't a little thing, Mr! You take care of yourself. I betcha writing again will get you through a lot.
And, I'm a strong believer in God's help. He must have some kinda plans for your life STILL!
Glad you're back.
Comment from lancellot
This a moving chapter and easy to understand. I think you need to work on line separation of the actors and speakers mostly.
notes:
I raced back to the cabin as [fast as] I could over the rocky ground.
- missing words
I said, {"in} my saddle bag. Did you see where the horse went?"
- should be: In
"How is Helga?["] I asked.
- add
quivering in a corner with the whites of its' eye[s] still showing
- add, assuming it has two
I patted his shoulder and walked past him to the door, afraid of what I would see if I went in.
- separate actor should have its' own line
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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This a moving chapter and easy to understand. I think you need to work on line separation of the actors and speakers mostly.
notes:
I raced back to the cabin as [fast as] I could over the rocky ground.
- missing words
I said, {"in} my saddle bag. Did you see where the horse went?"
- should be: In
"How is Helga?["] I asked.
- add
quivering in a corner with the whites of its' eye[s] still showing
- add, assuming it has two
I patted his shoulder and walked past him to the door, afraid of what I would see if I went in.
- separate actor should have its' own line
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my story. You actually reviewed it while I was still editing and before I even promoted it. I'll have to go back and check to see if I already fixed the problems you pointed out or if I missed some. Thank you for your help. No matter how often I proofread I always seem to miss something.
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I checked and I think I got everything fixed. Thanks again for the help.
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I had missed a couple of things when I was editing earlier so I really appreciate you pointing out what I missed. I only had one eye on the horse and I still needed to separate a character from a previous statement.
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I only wish I had promoted this before you read it so you could at least been paid something for your assistance.
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Sorry, "at least (have) been paid"
Comment from royowen
Love your story, it seems the journey to the snow has worked. Oota shot a killed a mountain lion saving Jess, and Jess praying and swearing eternal obeyance to God, (hope he remembers, because God will) if she recovers, but he owes a lot to Oota who is the miracle worker, an God the bringer of miracles, well done, excellent story, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Love your story, it seems the journey to the snow has worked. Oota shot a killed a mountain lion saving Jess, and Jess praying and swearing eternal obeyance to God, (hope he remembers, because God will) if she recovers, but he owes a lot to Oota who is the miracle worker, an God the bringer of miracles, well done, excellent story, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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I'm sure he will remember. He has a lot to be thankful for. Especially for bringing Oota to them. Thank you for reading and for your feedback.
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I've been a little slow writing more of this story. I was in the ICU for a while after falling out of my attic. I was not badly injured but apparently the shock caused problems with some of my organs
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Well done
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Oh dear I will pray for you if you wish ? You need an Oota.
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I've got one, thank you. I married her many years ago.
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Well done, that's it
Comment from djsaxon
A terrific chapter. The use of Jess' simple POV is very effective. His language is honest and straightforward. it is an uncluttered narrative that moves the story along at a great pace. More please - DJ
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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A terrific chapter. The use of Jess' simple POV is very effective. His language is honest and straightforward. it is an uncluttered narrative that moves the story along at a great pace. More please - DJ
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much for your continued support and interest in my story. I appreciate your feedback.
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I've been a little slow writing more of this story. I was in the ICU for a while after falling out of my attic. I was not badly injured but apparently the shock caused problems with some of my organs.
