One man's journey to get clean
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Mary's phone call"Getting clean from meth isn't easy
26 total reviews
Comment from whizpurr ^-^
Hi Patty,
This was a wonderful chapter. It is so filled with emotion and many will resonate with the feelings of hope and happiness Mary experienced when she heard her son was going into rehab. It was a big step Gary was taking and you introduced a perfect cliff hanger which makes readers want to find out how things go with Gary and also to find out what the future holds for him... and for his mother. Thanks for sharing your talented writing. So enjoyable! Big hugs, Aggie
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
  |
Hi Patty,
This was a wonderful chapter. It is so filled with emotion and many will resonate with the feelings of hope and happiness Mary experienced when she heard her son was going into rehab. It was a big step Gary was taking and you introduced a perfect cliff hanger which makes readers want to find out how things go with Gary and also to find out what the future holds for him... and for his mother. Thanks for sharing your talented writing. So enjoyable! Big hugs, Aggie
Comment Written 22-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
-
Thank you so much for your time to read and review. Your comments meant a lot to me. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
~patty~ (The stars are awesome!)
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Patty this is such a heart-wrenching but feel good story, my friend. Is it fiction? If not, yuou should change it to Non-fiction in the header.
You have some great imagery in this piece, too: Like: "Her smile came back to her face. She could hear the old Gary. A real glimmer of hope sparked in her heart. "
And your descriptions of the sun coming up are very good, too.
Suggestions: Rewrite this sentence: "She felt sad and empty like she mostly did" Try: She felt depressed as usual.
And: "Being awake before 5 in the morning wasn't unusual for her. (leave off "for her" (You don't need it)
And: Is her husband a truck driver? If so I would say so early on right here: "Her husband was somewhere in the middle of the country.
Also: "Her phone began to ring." Try: Her phone rang. (word conservation is vital to a good story, Patty.
Have a Merry Christmas, Patty. X Bob
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
 |
Hi, Patty this is such a heart-wrenching but feel good story, my friend. Is it fiction? If not, yuou should change it to Non-fiction in the header.
You have some great imagery in this piece, too: Like: "Her smile came back to her face. She could hear the old Gary. A real glimmer of hope sparked in her heart. "
And your descriptions of the sun coming up are very good, too.
Suggestions: Rewrite this sentence: "She felt sad and empty like she mostly did" Try: She felt depressed as usual.
And: "Being awake before 5 in the morning wasn't unusual for her. (leave off "for her" (You don't need it)
And: Is her husband a truck driver? If so I would say so early on right here: "Her husband was somewhere in the middle of the country.
Also: "Her phone began to ring." Try: Her phone rang. (word conservation is vital to a good story, Patty.
Have a Merry Christmas, Patty. X Bob
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
-
Thank you so much for your time to read and review. Your suggestions will be in the next editing round. This is fiction - it is my wish for my own son. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas.
~patty~
Comment from wondertwin
Mary's Phone call flows nicely. I jumped into the middle of your book without reading the pervious chapters...I'm new to FS. I look forward to reading more :)
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
|
Mary's Phone call flows nicely. I jumped into the middle of your book without reading the pervious chapters...I'm new to FS. I look forward to reading more :)
Comment Written 17-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
-
Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your comments. If you become a fan, you can follow this story as it unfolds. Its quite the project for me.
~patty~
Comment from royowen
I am hopeful for you as well. Some 33 years ago I was an alcoholic, compulsive gambler, and smoker, but God put my life back together, my children have thrived, both successfully married with children, my wife was wonderful during those and these years, in retirement now. Enjoying our grandchildren. I enjoyed your well written story, it touched my heart, keep praying, it shows you have great hope and faith. God is faithful, even the darkness is light to Him. Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
|
I am hopeful for you as well. Some 33 years ago I was an alcoholic, compulsive gambler, and smoker, but God put my life back together, my children have thrived, both successfully married with children, my wife was wonderful during those and these years, in retirement now. Enjoying our grandchildren. I enjoyed your well written story, it touched my heart, keep praying, it shows you have great hope and faith. God is faithful, even the darkness is light to Him. Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 17-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
-
Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your good thoughts and sharing your story. It does indeed give me hope.
~patty~
-
Well done Patty
Comment from Winslow
Dear MustangPatty,
A heartfelt poem told poignantly. With the rising sun it brought her hope that Gary would become her Gary of old. Excellent character development and good dialogue. I am happy for her.
A small nit for me. You tend to repeat words and this would also benefit from tightening. Here is a suggested edit for this section.
Her mind went to her son and she felt a lump in her throat. Gary was firm(ly) in the grip of an addiction. He lived a life she never imagined or wanted for him. Her fervent prayers to find a way for him to get off drugs had yet to be answered. He was too old to use their insurance to get into a rehab facility. Lord knows, drug dealers didn't carry any health plans. She knew free programs existed; she just didn't know how to connect him with one.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
|
Dear MustangPatty,
A heartfelt poem told poignantly. With the rising sun it brought her hope that Gary would become her Gary of old. Excellent character development and good dialogue. I am happy for her.
A small nit for me. You tend to repeat words and this would also benefit from tightening. Here is a suggested edit for this section.
Her mind went to her son and she felt a lump in her throat. Gary was firm(ly) in the grip of an addiction. He lived a life she never imagined or wanted for him. Her fervent prayers to find a way for him to get off drugs had yet to be answered. He was too old to use their insurance to get into a rehab facility. Lord knows, drug dealers didn't carry any health plans. She knew free programs existed; she just didn't know how to connect him with one.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
-
Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your comments, thoughts and suggestions.
~patty~
Comment from CEO2020
"Looking at the kitchen clock as she poured herself a cup of yesterday's coffee, she realized it was still early. "
How about - "Seeing the hands on the kitchen clock, she realized it was still early as she poured herself a cup of yesterday's coffee."
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
|
"Looking at the kitchen clock as she poured herself a cup of yesterday's coffee, she realized it was still early. "
How about - "Seeing the hands on the kitchen clock, she realized it was still early as she poured herself a cup of yesterday's coffee."
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
-
Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your comments and thoughts. Your suggestion is a good one, and I will consider it for editing.
~patty~
Comment from KjSilver
Your dialogue improved in this scene. It felt more natural and smooth. I liked that you had setting in this scene too.
All any of us can ask for is improvement from one day to the next. You have improved.
Here are my grammar issues, hopefully they help.
Also, I want to recommend a book: Mastering the Craft of Writing by Stephen Wilbers. It is one of my favorites and one of the most useful.
I would stray away from the overusing of the semicolon.
She woke from some dream that disappeared as her head left the pillow. (This sentence is redundant--to wake from a dream is for that dream to disappear.)
As always, the television was on; her water glass sat by her side. (I would remove the semicolon. They're used to link ind. clauses that relate to each other. I would just use a conjunction.
The load he was under should deliver sometime tomorrow, and then he would look for another to head her way. (The first clause is misplaced. It sounds as if the load is delivering.)
Her mind went to her son then, and immediately felt a lump in her throat. (Here you are wanting to complete sentences since you have a comma and 'and' the sentence after the 'and' needs a subject for it to be a complete sentence. Put a 'she' in and it will be fixed.)
The sun had yet deemed to peek above the horizon. (The negative for had yet deemed: The sun hadn't yet deemed to peek . . .)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
 |
Your dialogue improved in this scene. It felt more natural and smooth. I liked that you had setting in this scene too.
All any of us can ask for is improvement from one day to the next. You have improved.
Here are my grammar issues, hopefully they help.
Also, I want to recommend a book: Mastering the Craft of Writing by Stephen Wilbers. It is one of my favorites and one of the most useful.
I would stray away from the overusing of the semicolon.
She woke from some dream that disappeared as her head left the pillow. (This sentence is redundant--to wake from a dream is for that dream to disappear.)
As always, the television was on; her water glass sat by her side. (I would remove the semicolon. They're used to link ind. clauses that relate to each other. I would just use a conjunction.
The load he was under should deliver sometime tomorrow, and then he would look for another to head her way. (The first clause is misplaced. It sounds as if the load is delivering.)
Her mind went to her son then, and immediately felt a lump in her throat. (Here you are wanting to complete sentences since you have a comma and 'and' the sentence after the 'and' needs a subject for it to be a complete sentence. Put a 'she' in and it will be fixed.)
The sun had yet deemed to peek above the horizon. (The negative for had yet deemed: The sun hadn't yet deemed to peek . . .)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
-
Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate all of your suggestions - I will incorporate on the rewrite. Thank you for noting that I've improved - that's always a nice feeling.
~patty~
Comment from light
Such a difficult situation, not uncommon in today's society. It doesn't always end this way. I am happy that your story had a happy ending. Although, I'm certain there was more work to be done. Well written.
Elaine
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
|
Such a difficult situation, not uncommon in today's society. It doesn't always end this way. I am happy that your story had a happy ending. Although, I'm certain there was more work to be done. Well written.
Elaine
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
-
Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your comments and thoughts.
~patty~
Comment from Dustybones
Hello MUSTANGPATTY102,
I never had to go to a rehab place. I was lucky in someway. I wish I'd stopped when I thought I was going to stop drinking. I did stop in six months. Your story shares the happiness I saw in my wife. It's been two years. Thanks for sharing. Dusty
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
|
Hello MUSTANGPATTY102,
I never had to go to a rehab place. I was lucky in someway. I wish I'd stopped when I thought I was going to stop drinking. I did stop in six months. Your story shares the happiness I saw in my wife. It's been two years. Thanks for sharing. Dusty
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
-
Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your comments and thoughts. Congratulations on being sober for two years - that's a great accomplishment.
~patty~
Comment from fafa
I like this story, it has force and a good writing, you must continue in this communication footpath, because you describe good, blessings
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
|
I like this story, it has force and a good writing, you must continue in this communication footpath, because you describe good, blessings
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
-
Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your comments and thoughts.
~patty~
