The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 53 "The Bomb Squad"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
30 total reviews
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. This story is certainly full of action. I love the leprachon and his part in the story. It held my interest from start to finish. I didn't findany errors. Great job.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Excellent. This story is certainly full of action. I love the leprachon and his part in the story. It held my interest from start to finish. I didn't findany errors. Great job.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much for the wonderful and kind review.
Have a great Sunday,
Rhonda
Comment from w.j.debi
You have an interesting cast of characters in your story. Mischievous Sean seems to be the one to save the day. It seems he likes to play tricks, but gets down to business when needed.
You set up an interesting premise which should make a fun novel.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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You have an interesting cast of characters in your story. Mischievous Sean seems to be the one to save the day. It seems he likes to play tricks, but gets down to business when needed.
You set up an interesting premise which should make a fun novel.
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much. I've had a lot of fun writing it. Sean's my comic relief, but also, like you said, knows when to do what he what he's good at.
Thanks a lot.,
Rhonda
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I can hear all the kids who are reading this drawing in their breath at this point, Rhonda. What a fantastic ending, you've really perfected this art of leaving us gasping for the next chapter, well done, Giddy
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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I can hear all the kids who are reading this drawing in their breath at this point, Rhonda. What a fantastic ending, you've really perfected this art of leaving us gasping for the next chapter, well done, Giddy
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the wonderful six star rating, my friend!! You've given me a smile tonight.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Commando
Great chapter, Rhonda. The first one I've read in your book. Plan on reading the others, as time permits. In my commando duties, EOD (explosive ordnance disposal) was my expertise. Therefor, I'm relating. Picking up at: "Good shot, Tommy said...this was his type of fun, still he (opened the door and headed through the door)." Redundant! Suggest either, (1) he opened and headed through the door, or (2) he opened the door and headed through it. Hope this helps, my friend. Respectfully, Bill (Junglefighter). P.S. "Merry Christmas!"
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Great chapter, Rhonda. The first one I've read in your book. Plan on reading the others, as time permits. In my commando duties, EOD (explosive ordnance disposal) was my expertise. Therefor, I'm relating. Picking up at: "Good shot, Tommy said...this was his type of fun, still he (opened the door and headed through the door)." Redundant! Suggest either, (1) he opened and headed through the door, or (2) he opened the door and headed through it. Hope this helps, my friend. Respectfully, Bill (Junglefighter). P.S. "Merry Christmas!"
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Bill. I didn't even notice that part, thanks for pointing it out for me.
Maybe we should have let you disarm it! Is there hidden leprechaun in you. lol.
Let me know if my solution doesn't make sense, okay??
Thank you so much,
Rhonda
Comment from Jake P.
I haven't read the previous chapters, but I like the content of this chapter. It is funny, tense, and interesting. I can tell a great deal of world building has been done.
Parts i liked:
He (Tommy) had led a sheltered life in Miltonville, and the worst he had seen of violence occurred behind the safety of a video game. (good character building)
"Actually, they were kind of pretty," Tommy said. "For witches, that is. I mean, they weren't what you would expect witches to look like."
"Those are the most dangerous kind, kid," Sean said, ruffling Tommy's hair. (funny)
"We could scream like wee ones and run." (funny)
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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I haven't read the previous chapters, but I like the content of this chapter. It is funny, tense, and interesting. I can tell a great deal of world building has been done.
Parts i liked:
He (Tommy) had led a sheltered life in Miltonville, and the worst he had seen of violence occurred behind the safety of a video game. (good character building)
"Actually, they were kind of pretty," Tommy said. "For witches, that is. I mean, they weren't what you would expect witches to look like."
"Those are the most dangerous kind, kid," Sean said, ruffling Tommy's hair. (funny)
"We could scream like wee ones and run." (funny)
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Thank you for dropping by to read. I appreciate the time and care you took to give a detailed review. I would love for you to read the next chapter!
Have a great week,
Rhonda
Comment from MissMerri
Ap truly fascinating and well-written story, this one! I enjoyed reading it very much and found it very easy to follow. The dialogue is excellent and the scenes are very clear and easy to see. I can't think of any way to tell this story any better than what you are doing. The added element of suspense is sure to keep the readers turning the pages. This is extremely interesting.
Only a couple of typos to fix:
***she was still a Daredevil Girl, and none had ever be (been) known to quit when things got tough.
*** ...the unlocked door and went in, the other two quick (I think this should be 'close') on his heels.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Ap truly fascinating and well-written story, this one! I enjoyed reading it very much and found it very easy to follow. The dialogue is excellent and the scenes are very clear and easy to see. I can't think of any way to tell this story any better than what you are doing. The added element of suspense is sure to keep the readers turning the pages. This is extremely interesting.
Only a couple of typos to fix:
***she was still a Daredevil Girl, and none had ever be (been) known to quit when things got tough.
*** ...the unlocked door and went in, the other two quick (I think this should be 'close') on his heels.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Thank you, MissMerri,
I haven't heard from you in a while!! Hope you are well!
Thanks for the suggestions and spag alert!!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from KjSilver
Intriguing and attention grabbing. I like the leprechaun and the fact he is going against his natural tendencies. I like going back to my school as a backdrop. I like seeing the old beige bricks and dark wooden doors. That is, until they are made into one-way windows. Now the clock is ticking, so we'll see what Sean can do.
But, she was still a Daredevil Girl, and none had ever be known to quit when things got tough.
(Here you probably want 'been' instead of 'be'.)
"Are you crazy?" she asked, slapping Sean on the arm. "They can see us out there." (They can see us in here. [we can see out, but they can't see in.]
The only other souls in sight were the children Bruce and several vampires were evacuating.
(This has a problem with parallelism and agreement. You can't have children and vampires with a Bruce.)
I mean, they weren't what you would expect a witch to look like." (Witch refers back to they so it needs to be plural. "*They weren't what you would expect witches to look like.")
"Call for me. Whatever you do, don't touch it, laddie. You, either, Becky."
(The last sentence speaks to Becky directly and the comma before either becomes a stutter--You either, Becky.)
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Intriguing and attention grabbing. I like the leprechaun and the fact he is going against his natural tendencies. I like going back to my school as a backdrop. I like seeing the old beige bricks and dark wooden doors. That is, until they are made into one-way windows. Now the clock is ticking, so we'll see what Sean can do.
But, she was still a Daredevil Girl, and none had ever be known to quit when things got tough.
(Here you probably want 'been' instead of 'be'.)
"Are you crazy?" she asked, slapping Sean on the arm. "They can see us out there." (They can see us in here. [we can see out, but they can't see in.]
The only other souls in sight were the children Bruce and several vampires were evacuating.
(This has a problem with parallelism and agreement. You can't have children and vampires with a Bruce.)
I mean, they weren't what you would expect a witch to look like." (Witch refers back to they so it needs to be plural. "*They weren't what you would expect witches to look like.")
"Call for me. Whatever you do, don't touch it, laddie. You, either, Becky."
(The last sentence speaks to Becky directly and the comma before either becomes a stutter--You either, Becky.)
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Thank you for all the tips. I think they're all fixed now.
I, also, appreciate the supportive comments as well.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from fafa
I believe that it is the first time that I read you, I notice good dialogues and big deployment of the stage, I believe that the work is good, FORWARD, congratulations and blessings
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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I believe that it is the first time that I read you, I notice good dialogues and big deployment of the stage, I believe that the work is good, FORWARD, congratulations and blessings
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Thank you, fafa. I'm glad you read, even if it is deep into the story. Sometimes that's the best reviews. Sort of an "outside perspective".
Please return again!
Rhonda
Comment from rspoet
Ah, to put your life in the hands of a leprechaun,
especially one who's know as a prankster,
now that takes courage.
I would suggest "lad" here, rather than "son"
"Hold up, [lad]," Sean said. "I've a wee trick for you."
That shillelagh is a handy stick, I'll have to get me one of those.
I do have a wee bit of the Irish in me.
Isn't magic wonderful? I would be quite useful not to be seen in certain situations.
""Oh [crap], we're doomed," Becky said" Depending on the age of your reader, you want a different word here.
Excellent ending with the clock beginning to count down.
I remember one of the James Bond movies where the counter started and finally stopped at...00:07
Excellent dialogue and expressions the younger reader will relate to.
Very well done.
RS
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Ah, to put your life in the hands of a leprechaun,
especially one who's know as a prankster,
now that takes courage.
I would suggest "lad" here, rather than "son"
"Hold up, [lad]," Sean said. "I've a wee trick for you."
That shillelagh is a handy stick, I'll have to get me one of those.
I do have a wee bit of the Irish in me.
Isn't magic wonderful? I would be quite useful not to be seen in certain situations.
""Oh [crap], we're doomed," Becky said" Depending on the age of your reader, you want a different word here.
Excellent ending with the clock beginning to count down.
I remember one of the James Bond movies where the counter started and finally stopped at...00:07
Excellent dialogue and expressions the younger reader will relate to.
Very well done.
RS
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Thanks for the six star review, my friend!!
Do you think crap is too strong a word? I'm aiming at Jr High and high school.
Good call on lad, but I didn't want to over use the word since I have it so many times, but if it sounds okay, that's what I had it originally.
Yes, very James Bond of me, and you can be assured I have the same idea in mind.
Unfotunately, I'll switch to another group before I complete that one. Hehe.
Never-the-less, I'll try to get another chapter out soon as I have Christmas break coming. Of course everyone knows that and will probably have all kinds of errands for me!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-This is quite a chapter, Rhonda.
-I like how Sean adds a wee bit of levity to the situation periodically.
-Tommy, Sean, and Becky are the ones who have the delicate task of getting this bomb defused.
-There is a lot of activity before they get there, though.
-On the way Sean uses a bit of his magic; Becky is aggravated because she didn't know the outcome of what he was doing, but Tommy loved it.
-It was going reasonably well, but when they found the bomb and it indicated 5 min., I said "uh oh." That does not bode well even it is not activated yet.
-Of course, it seems to be a homemade bomb, and Sean isn't as familiar with those. So, as he gets his tools, of course, the count down begins!
-And naturally, it is only 5 min. so time is of the essence.
-Too bad Sean couldn't have used some of his magic, but then it would have been too easy!
-Great job, Rhonda!
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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-This is quite a chapter, Rhonda.
-I like how Sean adds a wee bit of levity to the situation periodically.
-Tommy, Sean, and Becky are the ones who have the delicate task of getting this bomb defused.
-There is a lot of activity before they get there, though.
-On the way Sean uses a bit of his magic; Becky is aggravated because she didn't know the outcome of what he was doing, but Tommy loved it.
-It was going reasonably well, but when they found the bomb and it indicated 5 min., I said "uh oh." That does not bode well even it is not activated yet.
-Of course, it seems to be a homemade bomb, and Sean isn't as familiar with those. So, as he gets his tools, of course, the count down begins!
-And naturally, it is only 5 min. so time is of the essence.
-Too bad Sean couldn't have used some of his magic, but then it would have been too easy!
-Great job, Rhonda!
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the brilliant shining review, Pam!
You are so right about Sean, he does have his hands full, and Becky doesn't completely trust him, for obvious reasons, I'm afraid, or at least to her as she knows his back story. Haha.
Thanks for reading and responding with your usual attention to detail.
Have a great weekend,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome and deserving of the review and stars, Rhonda. I like your little humor about Sean! You have a great weekend, too.
