Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi Rhonda,

entered a broad open room filled with tables and chairs. "It's where you'll be taking your meals now that you're better. The food is prepared by members of the Wasp Kin, who leave their house and go to each of the other 11 houses to cook. - okay, now I haven't been too well recently and be still be being a bit foggy but I didn't get the significance of this. If they all eat in one big room, why to the Wasp Kin have to go to the individual houses to cook? I don't think this is explained. Would it not make more sense to have a central kitchen? As this is a planned community they would have thought of this?

"So," Archie observed, "Paradise has a snake in it."- I think paradise should start with a lower case here as it is part of the continuing speech, unless he's calling it 'Paradise' in which case I'm talking out of my arse.

Hokee is becoming more sinister by the minute.

The Snake kin - should kin be capitalised here?

"In order to strengthen our species, we have to completely destroy all that would make us weak." - DISTURBING!!!

Very good piece. Excellent revelations and moving things forward.

All the best
G

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2016

---

reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016

Thank you so much!!
The centralized kitchen would make a lot more sense, and I considered it. If so, I would have to deal with the mixing of the houses, and they aren't all compatible with each other. I would then have Archie having to ask even more questions. Of course, it would also give me a way to introduce all houses. I may think it back through in the end and see how I can make it work. Thanks for the suggestion.

You're right on capitalization issues, thanks for picking up on them!

I appreciate the time you take on your reviews,
Rhonda

Comment from mbroyles2

Excellent

Another excellent chapter.
I'm curious to see which one gives in first. Archie or Ayala.
They are battling each other and soon one will break.
I like the references to the other houses (kin).
It makes for a great balance and the suspense is ongoing.
Great Job!
Michael

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 11-Dec-2016

---

reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016

Thank you, Michael!
Definitely an interesting challenges of strong wills. Archie is pretty determined, but Ayala is equally so. Hint... she won't go down easily. lol

Rhonda