Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Humanity Project -- Koko"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
22 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day sis.
Righto, got the production line of boys on the guts...
Let's go... woohoo... this is cool literature.
"So," Archie observed, "Paradise has a snake in it." (Nice way to put it.)
I like the structure and how each kin/house has they own roles to play.
"Cotton, sugar, metal, things like that," Ayala quoted." (They should grow cotton.)
"While happy, they seemed disjointed, like kids left alone to raise themselves." (Please expand on this isuue as it will be of interest to the readers.)
"Archie didn't bother to answer. He felt he had awakened from his wreck in an alternate universe, one where nothing made sense, and that he was the only person who noticed." (One thing I learned, real young, was... out there, if you don't understand it, leave it alone and don't touch, because everything is hot, hard and bites.)
"I wouldn't overreact. I'm sure he'll explain it to you tonight when he gets here." (He's probably just out with a mob of the blokes, whoopin' it up at the Red Dog Saloon lol.)
"This is the guy we rescued from the desert three days ago."
( I would say...rescued from the car wreck... because it is obvious he was in the desert because they can't leave.)
"He was one of the men who helped carry him from the desert." (From the wreck.... or just leave it at ...helped carry him.)
Are you the Archie Franklin -- son of (the)President?"
"So, why are you so worried about your husband? I would think there's very little danger he could get into here in Hokee." (Yikes! Trust me.)
"Why do you name yourselves after them if you hate them so much?" (Good question.)
"They were once the warriors of the Earth, and now we are, and so we celebrate those victories by using their names." (We were the opposite. We gave things or kids animal names because of their alike skills...if that makes sense.)
Very interesting work, sis. The only thing I was waiting for was some sort of strange food that he was eating. Perhaps you could add what it was.
Fantastic and very entertaining.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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G'day sis.
Righto, got the production line of boys on the guts...
Let's go... woohoo... this is cool literature.
"So," Archie observed, "Paradise has a snake in it." (Nice way to put it.)
I like the structure and how each kin/house has they own roles to play.
"Cotton, sugar, metal, things like that," Ayala quoted." (They should grow cotton.)
"While happy, they seemed disjointed, like kids left alone to raise themselves." (Please expand on this isuue as it will be of interest to the readers.)
"Archie didn't bother to answer. He felt he had awakened from his wreck in an alternate universe, one where nothing made sense, and that he was the only person who noticed." (One thing I learned, real young, was... out there, if you don't understand it, leave it alone and don't touch, because everything is hot, hard and bites.)
"I wouldn't overreact. I'm sure he'll explain it to you tonight when he gets here." (He's probably just out with a mob of the blokes, whoopin' it up at the Red Dog Saloon lol.)
"This is the guy we rescued from the desert three days ago."
( I would say...rescued from the car wreck... because it is obvious he was in the desert because they can't leave.)
"He was one of the men who helped carry him from the desert." (From the wreck.... or just leave it at ...helped carry him.)
Are you the Archie Franklin -- son of (the)President?"
"So, why are you so worried about your husband? I would think there's very little danger he could get into here in Hokee." (Yikes! Trust me.)
"Why do you name yourselves after them if you hate them so much?" (Good question.)
"They were once the warriors of the Earth, and now we are, and so we celebrate those victories by using their names." (We were the opposite. We gave things or kids animal names because of their alike skills...if that makes sense.)
Very interesting work, sis. The only thing I was waiting for was some sort of strange food that he was eating. Perhaps you could add what it was.
Fantastic and very entertaining.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 07-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Padna,
You made some great points.
There will be a lot more about the kids left to raise themselves.
You are so right on use of "desert" when that's where they live, and would hardly find that as something to escape from!!
You will find out later why they used the animal names. The whole project is messed up on many levels, and that's one of them. This is a compound of "orphans" developed by scientists who were trying to change the "human condition". It's kind of a metaphor for society's desire to change what's different from them. You've had personal experience with this yourself.
You are completely right on needing to describe the food. It would be more interesting. Sometimes in my efforts to keep the chapters short so people will read them, I leave off important things.
Thank you, again, for all the help!!
Cowgirl
Comment from c_lucas
Another Utopia in the makings. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Another Utopia in the makings. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much for the excellent review! Definitely has the elements of a Utopia, or a prison...
Take care.
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Interesting. Look forward to reading more to find out what this place is and why they keep these people there. I do hope Archie will be able to escape. I don't think he will like it there for long. =}
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Interesting. Look forward to reading more to find out what this place is and why they keep these people there. I do hope Archie will be able to escape. I don't think he will like it there for long. =}
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Roxanna. I appreciate the review and comments.
Take care!
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-You outdid yourself on this chapter, Rhonda.
-The story and dialogue flowed and progressed very well.
-We learn a lot about the groups, Archie's different tactic, Ayala's reactions to what he says, and we meet Koko.
--Koko is very worried about her husband, and since he spoke to a doctor about these nightmares, I'm not sure things are going to be good for him.
-I found her very interesting. It seemed she was very interested in Archie and his research and philosophy. It seemed like they got along well, but then Ayala would give a look or make a comment to keep things on track, like the topic of animals:
"And I think the human spirit is what strengthens us," Archie countered. "If you suppress that, then you weaken the heart, no matter what you do to make the body strong, and that is my belief."
-I like how you seem to end a chapter with one of Archie's philosophies.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2016
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-You outdid yourself on this chapter, Rhonda.
-The story and dialogue flowed and progressed very well.
-We learn a lot about the groups, Archie's different tactic, Ayala's reactions to what he says, and we meet Koko.
--Koko is very worried about her husband, and since he spoke to a doctor about these nightmares, I'm not sure things are going to be good for him.
-I found her very interesting. It seemed she was very interested in Archie and his research and philosophy. It seemed like they got along well, but then Ayala would give a look or make a comment to keep things on track, like the topic of animals:
"And I think the human spirit is what strengthens us," Archie countered. "If you suppress that, then you weaken the heart, no matter what you do to make the body strong, and that is my belief."
-I like how you seem to end a chapter with one of Archie's philosophies.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2016
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Awww, thank you for the wonderful review and six stars!
Yes, Koko is glad to have a friend among the sheep. She's a bit rebellious, for her people anyway. But she has good reason, which you'll find out about later. haha. And, no, things are not boding well for poor Todd.
Ayala is quite a fixed personality right now as she tries to go with what she's been programmed. She'll be a tough nut to crack, I'm afraid!
Archie is a bit heavy on the philosophy, but he's a lawyer stuck in the middle of a bunch of nuts!
Thanks again, my friend,
Rhonda
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You are welcome and deserving, Rhonda. I like your reply, especially the last line--priceless!
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Thank you so much. You always encourage and grow me!
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You are always welcome, Rhonda.
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
A welcome for Koko,
but Utopia doesn't sound very utopic.
More like a desert prison,
a cross between a brave new world and big brother,
with thought control, mining camps, emotionless life, fear.
No one seems happy.
Somehow, a suspicious government sponsored scientific project.
A snake in Eden? A good line,
but it looks like we're a long way from Eden.
Archie is right to be concerned.
This is more a cult, with one set of leaders.
Archie represents a clear danger,
I can't imagine why Junior wouldn't want him to teach leadership. LOL
A very well developed chapter, with excellent dialogue
as the mysterious place called Hokee emerges.
It makes the reader curious about what is really going on here.
Well done.
Looking forward to the next chapter
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2016
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Hello Rhonda,
A welcome for Koko,
but Utopia doesn't sound very utopic.
More like a desert prison,
a cross between a brave new world and big brother,
with thought control, mining camps, emotionless life, fear.
No one seems happy.
Somehow, a suspicious government sponsored scientific project.
A snake in Eden? A good line,
but it looks like we're a long way from Eden.
Archie is right to be concerned.
This is more a cult, with one set of leaders.
Archie represents a clear danger,
I can't imagine why Junior wouldn't want him to teach leadership. LOL
A very well developed chapter, with excellent dialogue
as the mysterious place called Hokee emerges.
It makes the reader curious about what is really going on here.
Well done.
Looking forward to the next chapter
Comment Written 14-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the six star rating, and the helpful comments.
Yes, Utopias seldom live up the their hype, I'm afraid!
That's funny, but it does seem a bit of a cross between Brave New World and big brother. Definitely has some Animal Farm in it!!
The funny thing about Archie is that no one seems to see him as a threat because the leaders are so used to getting their way that they miss the fox in the hen house. Still and all, Leander has no plan to let Archie become a leader. Not if he can help it. lol
All good comments, and they are greatly appreciated.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from dweigt
This is very good! I'm enjoying the developing story, and the characters are interesting. The dialogue seems natural, and overall the story is reads smoothly.
A few minor quibbles:
Ayala starts quite a few sentences with "Well".
"Yes, we do," Ayala said. She was glad the young senator seemed to be adjusting. -- This is a POV change. Is it intentional? Even if you are writing with shifting viewpoints, it is usually best to keep to one POV in a section.
"Thanks," Koko responded, returning his handshake firmly. "Are you the Archie Franklin -- son of President?" -- Koko should show a little more surprise here.
"You might scoff now, but one day you'll thank me for my theories and research." -- Maybe "may thank me" instead of "will thank me", unless Koko is convinced a disaster is coming.
"Then I would welcome your opinions," Koko said, glad to see that at least one person appreciated her work. -- Another POV change. If you want to keep in Archie's POV, you can say something like "Archie thought she seemed glad to see..."
One nagging little question in my mind is what is happening outside, what efforts are being made to locate Archie? The disappearance of a Senator, particularly one who is also the son of the President, would trigger a massive search. Archie would know this too, and would wonder why he hadn't been found yet. Of course, Archie should rescue himself like a good protagonist, but he'd still wonder why help hasn't come after three days.
Very curious about where this is going. Keep writing!
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2016
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This is very good! I'm enjoying the developing story, and the characters are interesting. The dialogue seems natural, and overall the story is reads smoothly.
A few minor quibbles:
Ayala starts quite a few sentences with "Well".
"Yes, we do," Ayala said. She was glad the young senator seemed to be adjusting. -- This is a POV change. Is it intentional? Even if you are writing with shifting viewpoints, it is usually best to keep to one POV in a section.
"Thanks," Koko responded, returning his handshake firmly. "Are you the Archie Franklin -- son of President?" -- Koko should show a little more surprise here.
"You might scoff now, but one day you'll thank me for my theories and research." -- Maybe "may thank me" instead of "will thank me", unless Koko is convinced a disaster is coming.
"Then I would welcome your opinions," Koko said, glad to see that at least one person appreciated her work. -- Another POV change. If you want to keep in Archie's POV, you can say something like "Archie thought she seemed glad to see..."
One nagging little question in my mind is what is happening outside, what efforts are being made to locate Archie? The disappearance of a Senator, particularly one who is also the son of the President, would trigger a massive search. Archie would know this too, and would wonder why he hadn't been found yet. Of course, Archie should rescue himself like a good protagonist, but he'd still wonder why help hasn't come after three days.
Very curious about where this is going. Keep writing!
Comment Written 14-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2016
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You posed a very good question on the search efforts for Archie, and I'll need to address that. This is a rewrite on an old book, and I haven't re read it in awhile, at least not all the way through. I think I do deal with it, but I'll check. If not, I will. Thanks for pointing it out.
Thanks for the POV alert. I'll work on that.
Once again, thank you for your careful eyes,
Rhonda
Comment from Lu Saluna
Very fascinating chapter! From the conversation, it would appear these people have been here several generations. To have formed the beliefs they have.
A very creative and unique story. Unique and different but not so much so that it is not believable. Very enjoyable.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2016
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Very fascinating chapter! From the conversation, it would appear these people have been here several generations. To have formed the beliefs they have.
A very creative and unique story. Unique and different but not so much so that it is not believable. Very enjoyable.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Lu! They haven't been there as long as it seems, but that's part of the illusion the designers have built into the project. I so appreciate the effort you put into reading and reviewing.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from emptypage
You wrote, "So," Archie observed, "Paradise has a snake in it."
Love this line. It foreshadows well, and exposes the Utopian life as less than. Very clever.
I actually cannot think of anything less fulfilling, less savory, less appealing, than a life without animals. The fear of animals is very interesting. I wonder if there is a "real story" still to come regarding why these people so fear animals. But me? I'd rather die than live without animals.
As usual, strong, clear writing. The story is moving along quite nicely. I'm out here. I'll be watching for more!
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2016
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You wrote, "So," Archie observed, "Paradise has a snake in it."
Love this line. It foreshadows well, and exposes the Utopian life as less than. Very clever.
I actually cannot think of anything less fulfilling, less savory, less appealing, than a life without animals. The fear of animals is very interesting. I wonder if there is a "real story" still to come regarding why these people so fear animals. But me? I'd rather die than live without animals.
As usual, strong, clear writing. The story is moving along quite nicely. I'm out here. I'll be watching for more!
Comment Written 12-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2016
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There is a huge story having to do with the animal phobia instilled in these people. In fact, it is the key to the whole thing.
Thank you for picking up on the foreshadowing, because that is exactly what it is. The animal thing sort of is, too.
Anyway, thank you for the wonderful review, and assurance that you are out there reading.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from CEO2020
Over the last few chapters, you have stepped into another zone with your writing and storytelling skills. With almost the entire chapter in dialogue, you moved the story forward so well, a gifted skill and talent. I liked the approach. Was it planned or just came out that way?
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2016
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Over the last few chapters, you have stepped into another zone with your writing and storytelling skills. With almost the entire chapter in dialogue, you moved the story forward so well, a gifted skill and talent. I liked the approach. Was it planned or just came out that way?
Comment Written 12-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2016
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Thank you for your remarks about my writing. That is so helpful. I feel the same way about yours as well. It's funny how this site does that to us!!
The dialogue thing just happened. Like we talked about before, I'm trying to just let it flow like it flows, and it usually turns out better that way. I'm afraid I'm quite a talker, myself, so a lot of my writing reflects that. Not planned, just happens.
Thanks for the wonderful six star rating. It is much appreciated!!
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
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The 6 stars were given because you earned it. I hope you enjoy to follow your own flow.
Comment from Dustybones
Very involved chapter. I was waiting for this. I see why it took longer. It's longer and adds much more to where you left off. I know this is fictional, but I don't know how such a large group of people and houses wouldn't be found. They don't like dogs and cats? hmmm...not good sign, IMHO. I think Archie will win out for more freedoms. Dusty
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2016
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Very involved chapter. I was waiting for this. I see why it took longer. It's longer and adds much more to where you left off. I know this is fictional, but I don't know how such a large group of people and houses wouldn't be found. They don't like dogs and cats? hmmm...not good sign, IMHO. I think Archie will win out for more freedoms. Dusty
Comment Written 12-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the wonderful six star rating!! Yes, I spent a lot of time going back and forth on this chapter, but the next one shouldn't take as long. I'm about to post another Daredevil Girl chapter, then back to this one again soon, as well. Thank you for hanging with me on it,!!
Take care,
Rhonda
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Thanks for writing such fun stories.
