Sneaky Pete's Bar~Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas from Betty, Pete, Roger, Emma and Rose.21 total reviews
Comment from Fridayauthor
This is a very nicely written Christmas that brims with tenderness, The character are so real it is easy to follow the story. The dialog is also fun.
Good luck in the contest with this entry.
Merry Christmas!
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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This is a very nicely written Christmas that brims with tenderness, The character are so real it is easy to follow the story. The dialog is also fun.
Good luck in the contest with this entry.
Merry Christmas!
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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Many thanks for stopping by to read this little bit of Christmas mayhem and for the awesome review. It's deeply appreciated!
Merry Christmas!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from giraffmang
A good story for the competition here. Love these characters and the piece has such an enjoyable and easy tone to it.
Even of the dialogue comes mid-sentence, it should still start with a capital letter. You start with lower case a lot.
Now they can pretend to brush their hair all they want too. - to.
what's a matter, boys. Are you afraid to get a little poop on you. - need question marks in there.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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A good story for the competition here. Love these characters and the piece has such an enjoyable and easy tone to it.
Even of the dialogue comes mid-sentence, it should still start with a capital letter. You start with lower case a lot.
Now they can pretend to brush their hair all they want too. - to.
what's a matter, boys. Are you afraid to get a little poop on you. - need question marks in there.
All the best
G
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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Many thanks for the help, my friend! This is an amazing story with a lot of Love in it and I'm so glad it has made a bunch of people laugh.
Merry Christmas!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from trumby
A good job with this one, mate. I'd certainly be interested to see it as a book of some sort.
No spags or typos that I can see.
Perfect for the season.
Thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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A good job with this one, mate. I'd certainly be interested to see it as a book of some sort.
No spags or typos that I can see.
Perfect for the season.
Thanks for sharing
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Many thanks for stopping to read this little bit of Christmas mayhem and for the awesome review. This story has made a bunch of people laugh, what a blessing. Thanks again.
Merry Christmas!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I loved this story. It is true in so many lives, religion used wrongly destroys lives. God is not like that. This story is about a simple young girl and her baby, who find love and kindness from other people and not the family of her blood. This is true love, the love God wants us to have, to give and to show. Well done. I will have to look out for these stories of yours. Good luck in the contest! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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I loved this story. It is true in so many lives, religion used wrongly destroys lives. God is not like that. This story is about a simple young girl and her baby, who find love and kindness from other people and not the family of her blood. This is true love, the love God wants us to have, to give and to show. Well done. I will have to look out for these stories of yours. Good luck in the contest! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 22-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Many thanks for stopping by to read this little bit of Christmas mayhem and for the awesome review. This story has made a bunch of people laugh, what a blessing. Thanks again!
Merry Christmas!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Lovely, upbeat story, perfect for the true spirit of Christmas. I wish I could have been there for the dinner. They sound like great people. Good job! And Merry Christmas to you, too. :)
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Lovely, upbeat story, perfect for the true spirit of Christmas. I wish I could have been there for the dinner. They sound like great people. Good job! And Merry Christmas to you, too. :)
Comment Written 22-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much for stopping by to read this little bit of Christmas mayhem and for the awesome review. This story has made a lot of people laugh, what a blessing.
Merry Christmas!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from dweigt
This is good stuff! I like the characters and the story, and you do a good job of catching the banter in their dialogue.
I was a little confused about who was narrating at first. It took a while to figure out it was Mama Betty.
A lot of punctuation issues in here. I listed a few at the beginning, and then just ignored the rest so I could enjoy the story. Here are the examples I picked out:
Estelle, Emma and I all pour out of Estelle's, 1970 Delta 88, laughing our heads off. -- No comma after Estelle's -- Estelle, Emma and I all pour out of Estelle's 1970 Delta 88, laughing our heads off.
Estelle hollers. "I don't know why you two always laugh before I get to the punch line?" -- I think this should be -- Estelle hollers "I don't know why you two always laugh before I get to the punch line?"
It looks like you are doing this consistently. When the dialogue tag comes before the quote, you shouldn't put a period before the quote. Either a comma, or nothing at all. The tag and the quote should be parts of the same sentence, but the period (or full-stop) splits it into two sentences.
"My goodness, Estelle, you could hide at least four men back here to pound later." Emma cracks up again. "Hey, what's that box of presents doing here?" I ask. -- I think you need a few more paragraph breaks here. The first quote should start a new paragraph. Then, assuming it was said by Emma, you need a break before the next quote. If Emma wasn't the speaker you need a tag telling us who was speaking, and Emma breaking up is a paragraph all by itself. -- "My goodness, Estelle, you could hide at least four men back here to pound later." Emma cracks up again.
"Hey, what's that box of presents doing here?" I ask.
Rose, finally blew-up. -- No comma here. And no dash needed. -- Rose finally blew up.
laying on a towel in the center of the bar -- pretty sure this should be lying. But I have to look it up everytime! ;-)
What have you been feeding this baby. -- Questions end with question marks. -- What have you been feeding this baby?
The story, characters and dialogue are great. Just fix up the punctuation, and it will be a wonderful piece! Keep writing!
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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This is good stuff! I like the characters and the story, and you do a good job of catching the banter in their dialogue.
I was a little confused about who was narrating at first. It took a while to figure out it was Mama Betty.
A lot of punctuation issues in here. I listed a few at the beginning, and then just ignored the rest so I could enjoy the story. Here are the examples I picked out:
Estelle, Emma and I all pour out of Estelle's, 1970 Delta 88, laughing our heads off. -- No comma after Estelle's -- Estelle, Emma and I all pour out of Estelle's 1970 Delta 88, laughing our heads off.
Estelle hollers. "I don't know why you two always laugh before I get to the punch line?" -- I think this should be -- Estelle hollers "I don't know why you two always laugh before I get to the punch line?"
It looks like you are doing this consistently. When the dialogue tag comes before the quote, you shouldn't put a period before the quote. Either a comma, or nothing at all. The tag and the quote should be parts of the same sentence, but the period (or full-stop) splits it into two sentences.
"My goodness, Estelle, you could hide at least four men back here to pound later." Emma cracks up again. "Hey, what's that box of presents doing here?" I ask. -- I think you need a few more paragraph breaks here. The first quote should start a new paragraph. Then, assuming it was said by Emma, you need a break before the next quote. If Emma wasn't the speaker you need a tag telling us who was speaking, and Emma breaking up is a paragraph all by itself. -- "My goodness, Estelle, you could hide at least four men back here to pound later." Emma cracks up again.
"Hey, what's that box of presents doing here?" I ask.
Rose, finally blew-up. -- No comma here. And no dash needed. -- Rose finally blew up.
laying on a towel in the center of the bar -- pretty sure this should be lying. But I have to look it up everytime! ;-)
What have you been feeding this baby. -- Questions end with question marks. -- What have you been feeding this baby?
The story, characters and dialogue are great. Just fix up the punctuation, and it will be a wonderful piece! Keep writing!
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Many thanks for all your help with little bit of Christmas mayhem. The only thing I care about is making this story stronger. Number don't mean a thing to me! Thanks again.
Merry Christmas!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Mabaker
You are so right one act of kindness can change a life. So can one act of hatred. I was the result of a botched abortion. Thanks to my mother's indifference to a young child I was removed from her and placed in Catholic Orphanage. So keep writing the 'good' side. Regards Anne.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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You are so right one act of kindness can change a life. So can one act of hatred. I was the result of a botched abortion. Thanks to my mother's indifference to a young child I was removed from her and placed in Catholic Orphanage. So keep writing the 'good' side. Regards Anne.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much for stopping by to read this little bit of Christmas mayhem and for the awesome review. This story has made a bunch of people laugh, what a blessing.
Merry Christmas!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Ella25
Yes, acts of kindness are the best gifts you can give to someone and yourself as well. It makes us feel good when we can do something for another person. Even small. A smile and we get that back as the world smiles back at us. What we release to the world or give it, comes back to us. A beautiful story of friendship, love and support. Especially at Christmas where no one shall be or feel alone. Well done. Blessings, Ella
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Yes, acts of kindness are the best gifts you can give to someone and yourself as well. It makes us feel good when we can do something for another person. Even small. A smile and we get that back as the world smiles back at us. What we release to the world or give it, comes back to us. A beautiful story of friendship, love and support. Especially at Christmas where no one shall be or feel alone. Well done. Blessings, Ella
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much for stopping by to read this little bit of Christmas mayhem and for the awesome review. This story has made a bunch of people laugh, what a blessing.
Merry Christmas!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
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You are welcome, Mike. Have a Merry Christmas with blessings and Happy New Year. Ella
Comment from emptypage
You wrote, "Mama Betty will you help Pete and Roger clean this mess up while I take Rose home and give her a quick bath?" You need a comma after "Betty."
You wrote, "Roger asks. 'How come you cover her up like that?'" Comma after "asks," not a period.
You wrote, "I turn back to Cheryl and Tammy, they have tears in their eyes." Get rid of the comma after "Tammy." Replace with a period or a semi-colon.
You wrote, "All three of us, bust out laughing!" Lose the comma.
I'm not going to go on with the comma issues, but you should study up on their usage on your own. They distract the reader.
You have a good story here, funny and fresh, but it gets lost in the grammatical errors.
Nice start.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2016
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You wrote, "Mama Betty will you help Pete and Roger clean this mess up while I take Rose home and give her a quick bath?" You need a comma after "Betty."
You wrote, "Roger asks. 'How come you cover her up like that?'" Comma after "asks," not a period.
You wrote, "I turn back to Cheryl and Tammy, they have tears in their eyes." Get rid of the comma after "Tammy." Replace with a period or a semi-colon.
You wrote, "All three of us, bust out laughing!" Lose the comma.
I'm not going to go on with the comma issues, but you should study up on their usage on your own. They distract the reader.
You have a good story here, funny and fresh, but it gets lost in the grammatical errors.
Nice start.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2016
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Look, I don't care about numbers, the thing I need from this site is to help me edit my stories. To help me make these stories strong enough to get published. I truly appreciate all your help. Thank you so much!
Merry Christmas!
Have a great a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from MelB
Handsome has ever, Pete!" - (h)as
Hi Mike, this is a wonderful story! You had me cracking up with the poopy diaper scene and the hairbrush. You are right about the act of kindness. My heart breaks for the poor girl who looked at her mom and got nothing back but hatred. People like that should not have kids.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2016
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Handsome has ever, Pete!" - (h)as
Hi Mike, this is a wonderful story! You had me cracking up with the poopy diaper scene and the hairbrush. You are right about the act of kindness. My heart breaks for the poor girl who looked at her mom and got nothing back but hatred. People like that should not have kids.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2016
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Thank you my friend for the awesome review. It's deeply appreciated.
Merry Christmas!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
