Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Chapter Two part Zwei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
33 total reviews
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes well written again my friend I enjoyed once more no faults that I could see look forward to the next chapter well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Yes well written again my friend I enjoyed once more no faults that I could see look forward to the next chapter well done regards Jill
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from fafa
I believe that it is the first time that I read you, I notice good dialogues and big deployment of the stage, I believe that the work is good, FORWARD, congratulations and blessings
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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I believe that it is the first time that I read you, I notice good dialogues and big deployment of the stage, I believe that the work is good, FORWARD, congratulations and blessings
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from Heidi M
Good job with intrigue in this chapter. I like your pacing, narrative, and dialogue. It feels realistic.
'He did the painting' How about 'He painted the picture' or 'He created the artwork'. In my opinion, the word 'did' is not urbane enough to associate it with the quality of art displayed at the Met. Just something for you to consider.
Kristallnac(h)t
Russians get involved -Delete apostrophe
I'm enjoying your story and look forward to each new post.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2016
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Good job with intrigue in this chapter. I like your pacing, narrative, and dialogue. It feels realistic.
'He did the painting' How about 'He painted the picture' or 'He created the artwork'. In my opinion, the word 'did' is not urbane enough to associate it with the quality of art displayed at the Met. Just something for you to consider.
Kristallnac(h)t
Russians get involved -Delete apostrophe
I'm enjoying your story and look forward to each new post.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the catches. I have made the corrections.
Comment from ciliverde
That Klimt painting is amazing! Nice choice of artwork.
In your very last line "Russian's" does not need the apostrophe - should be "Russians".
Also, the line: "...I have no idea where those art pieces are at." She MIGHT have said that, but not if she's an English teacher. She might rather have said "I have no idea where those art pieces are now."
Overall, it's a good story, and I'm interested to hear more about Shana...and Anderson too. I kinda picture him looking like Anderson Cooper (handsome) but who knows? :))
Carol
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2016
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That Klimt painting is amazing! Nice choice of artwork.
In your very last line "Russian's" does not need the apostrophe - should be "Russians".
Also, the line: "...I have no idea where those art pieces are at." She MIGHT have said that, but not if she's an English teacher. She might rather have said "I have no idea where those art pieces are now."
Overall, it's a good story, and I'm interested to hear more about Shana...and Anderson too. I kinda picture him looking like Anderson Cooper (handsome) but who knows? :))
Carol
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2016
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He is handsome. I have not mentioned that yet. It will come about. Thank you for the kind review and I have made the corrections.
Comment from KjSilver
This is an interesting scene with a plot that stretches deep into the past.
There are some things I will suggest, and I do so humbly. If it is your style then feel free to ignore me.
In 1931, the German economic crisis worsened and the Nazi party became strong enough to over-take the university system. (I believe over-take is one word with no hyphen.)
"Why isn't Shana with you?" Anderson stood. (Is the an attribution? If so, I would rewrite it: Why isn't Shana with you?" Anderson said, standing.)
"I don't think your office is the right place to speak with her. I think it'll intimidate her." Jane's right eyebrow rose. (With this sentence, it is unclear who is speaking, Philip or Jane? I am guessing Jane, since her eyebrow raised after speaking.)
"I think we're going to be surprised at who this young lady really is." (Unclear who is speaking. When three people our in a conversation, tags should be used for clarity.)
"She's a high school English teacher born and raised in Peoria, Illinois, and Jewish to boot. I doubt she's an international spy." Jane's hands were on her hips. (Speaker tag needed: Jane said, placing her hands on her hips.)
My question is how did the Russian's get involved?" (You want the plural for Russians, not the possessive.)
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reply by the author on 10-Dec-2016
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This is an interesting scene with a plot that stretches deep into the past.
There are some things I will suggest, and I do so humbly. If it is your style then feel free to ignore me.
In 1931, the German economic crisis worsened and the Nazi party became strong enough to over-take the university system. (I believe over-take is one word with no hyphen.)
"Why isn't Shana with you?" Anderson stood. (Is the an attribution? If so, I would rewrite it: Why isn't Shana with you?" Anderson said, standing.)
"I don't think your office is the right place to speak with her. I think it'll intimidate her." Jane's right eyebrow rose. (With this sentence, it is unclear who is speaking, Philip or Jane? I am guessing Jane, since her eyebrow raised after speaking.)
"I think we're going to be surprised at who this young lady really is." (Unclear who is speaking. When three people our in a conversation, tags should be used for clarity.)
"She's a high school English teacher born and raised in Peoria, Illinois, and Jewish to boot. I doubt she's an international spy." Jane's hands were on her hips. (Speaker tag needed: Jane said, placing her hands on her hips.)
My question is how did the Russian's get involved?" (You want the plural for Russians, not the possessive.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2016
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I have made most of the corrections. I worry about using too many speech tags. I try to do the same thing with action tags. Thank you for y our help.
Comment from bookishfabler
I just bought a new laptop. So, I don't have to go to my office in the evening, which I never do. I think this will help me be here even more. And hopefully write again. Anyway, a very interesting chapter and now we are getting somewhere with what is going on with the three men and the art.
A couple of things.
Anderson went to the patio, with the three dogs following. (not sure you need the comma here)
Helen set two glasses on (the) table and poured the lemonade.
Hope this is helpful
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2016
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I just bought a new laptop. So, I don't have to go to my office in the evening, which I never do. I think this will help me be here even more. And hopefully write again. Anyway, a very interesting chapter and now we are getting somewhere with what is going on with the three men and the art.
A couple of things.
Anderson went to the patio, with the three dogs following. (not sure you need the comma here)
Helen set two glasses on (the) table and poured the lemonade.
Hope this is helpful
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2016
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I have made the corrections. Thank you.
Comment from c_lucas
World War II ripped Europe to pieces. It has yet to recover. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2016
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World War II ripped Europe to pieces. It has yet to recover. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
An excellent part, Barbara, I really like Shana. What she is trying to do, is what many Jewish ancestors are doing even today, searching for their valuable artefacts that the Nazi German's stole from them. This is going to be a really good story, and methinks that our Shana and Anderson might some day become somewhat closer?? LOL, Well done, this is a wonderful story. I look forward to the next part. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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An excellent part, Barbara, I really like Shana. What she is trying to do, is what many Jewish ancestors are doing even today, searching for their valuable artefacts that the Nazi German's stole from them. This is going to be a really good story, and methinks that our Shana and Anderson might some day become somewhat closer?? LOL, Well done, this is a wonderful story. I look forward to the next part. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review. Anderson and Shana will have to overcome some barriers
Comment from Ben Colder
The Russians are always involved. I had dealings with this atmosphere in Germany. As a soldier during the cold war much of your story I know is fiction but much is really truth as far as secret espionage. Another interesting. Try hard not to bog down. It is flowing well. Be sure to out line as it seems you are doing. Comes easier that way.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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The Russians are always involved. I had dealings with this atmosphere in Germany. As a soldier during the cold war much of your story I know is fiction but much is really truth as far as secret espionage. Another interesting. Try hard not to bog down. It is flowing well. Be sure to out line as it seems you are doing. Comes easier that way.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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I am trying only to give relevant facts. I am a little worried about my next post, but am trying to concise it. I feel it's necessary in case people know nothing about WWII. Thank you. I know you will keep me honest.
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Visit the Holocaust hall of fame
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Another great chapter, as usual. Your writing style is very effective. You have good use of dialog and a flow that is easy to follow. Your characters work nicely together.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Another great chapter, as usual. Your writing style is very effective. You have good use of dialog and a flow that is easy to follow. Your characters work nicely together.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
