Comment from Pam (respa)

Excellent

-A good chapter to move us forward in the story and get the children out of the school.
-Jerry, the Daywalker, has arrived to help, and he has brought many of his friends to help drive the buses.
-Becky reassures the children about Jerry being a Daywalker.
-I like the logo on his t-shirt, even if one student called it "cheezy."
-We see the determination of Tommy to help save his sister, who is still somewhere in the building so he will stay with the adults to help.
-A bit of levity with the entrance of Sean. I think you have his accent down pretty well.
-Apparently, he has reformed, and he is there to defuse the bomb. Hopefully, he knows what he is doing!
-Tommy's job is to escort him to the boiler room where the bomb is.
-Good ending with the theme of trust.

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016

Thank you, Pam!
I'm glad it worked well for you, and that everything seems realistic enough.
I'm always happy when you take the time to give detailed reviews. It is helpful and supportive.
I just happened to notice that you don't spend as much time with corrections as you did in the beginning, so I hope I've learned from you. I often try to think of what you'll say when I'm revising. You've helped me grow.
The T-Shirts were just a side idea to give the kids a laugh.
I'm glad the accent on Sean worked... you never know!

Take care,
Rhonda

reply by Pam (respa) on 07-Dec-2016

You are always welcome, Rhonda. I appreciate your reply very much. You are always welcome for the support and encouragement, too. I figured that about the t-shirts and smiled. Kids will love it. They are going to want to buy them, you know🙂 You did a good job with Sean, as you need a character who lightens things up, and then he is going to defuse the bomb--hope he gets that right!

Comment from rspoet

Exceptional

It seems reinforcements and allies are arriving just in time
Good werewolves (Daywalkers), one with a great t-shirt
and a leprechaun who happens to be a caterer and demolition expert
Bet they didn't teach that in culinary school
Once they get the students out of harm's way
a major confrontation seems eminent
Excellent chapter to continue the story, my friend
Perhaps Tommy will become a new daredevil guy
Well done

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016

Thanks so much for the stellar review!
Yes, the T-shirts are kind of crazy, but teens love clothes, so I threw that element in.
True, Old Sean is probably a multi level sort of guy. He's had a few different careers in his time. haha
Tommy may have to join the new group. He's certainly got grit!

Thanks again, for the wonderful review,
Rhonda

Comment from F. Wehr3

Excellent

Good work on this part. I enjoyed the appearance of the two, new to me, characters and the building of the plan to save the kids and diffuse the bomb. It should be exciting. Nicely done!

Take care,
Russell

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016

Thank you for the wonderful review, Russell!
These two characters haven't played a very important role so far. Jerry showed up when Tina called him on the phone to recruit his help, and Sean just helped serve food, and flirt with Nancy Jordan, they main character of the book.
Thank you for taking time to work on this chapter.

Rhonda

Comment from trumby

Excellent

This story is a lot like "Buffy" in a lot of ways. Not meaning to put it down. It's a great story.
I love the way that all the kids try to work together. Do you think that would really happen in real life?
It flows very smoothly though and it works well as a story.
Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016

It's a young adult story targeted at preteens, to young teens. The hope is to show choices.
I had never watched "Buffy" when I first wrote it, years ago, but patterned it after my father's stories to me and my sister when we were little. His purpose, apart from entertaining, was to teach us life lessons. When he asked me to write them, he said that was one of the elements I had to include, that and diversity in my characters.

My other book I'm working on is aimed at a slightly older group, and may deal with more adult issues.

Thanks so much for keeping up with both,
Rhonda

Comment from mfowler

Excellent

There's a lot suddenly happening. Students, werewolves, leaders and a busy leprechaun are drawn into the discussion. Great news about Tina is balanced by the problems that emerged for those still finding a way out. The situation is complicated by the preparedness of those calling themselves survivors, to declare what they believe and how they can help fight the witches and werewolves. It takes a few arguments, but the leprechaun is sure he can help if he's shown the noise mechanisms. After a few minor squabbles, they reach a positive point. But, the question keeps arising, who's trustworthy? They are happy, but surely someone's lying. An excellent chapter.

 Comment Written 05-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016

Thank you for the thorough review, my friend. The point of this chapter is all about trust, trusting people who are outside our comfort zone to trust. Jerry and Sean are good people, and in the second book, more comes out about their checkered pasts--ones, like many people reading, they have to overcome for redemption.

I do appreciate the comments and review!!
Rhonda

Comment from Jay Squires

Exceptional

I don't know what happened on this, Rhonda. I tried to paste my comments from "word" into this, but it won't let me. Suffice it to say, I really liked this chapter--almost didn't get to it since it didn't show up in my inbox. I just happened upon it on the home screen. I enjoyed the use of fey characters in your chapters such as Sean and Jerry. There is a wholesome quality about your characters which makes this novel slot nicely into the young adult genre.

Good job, Rhonda.

 Comment Written 05-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016

Thank you, Jay, and that was the intention that they should. What many people don't realize is that the "fey" characters serve a purpose, just like animals do in children's books. Not only are they entertaining, but they give the kids someone to relate to without pulling them directly into the story. Like, gang members, other ethnic groups, popular people, sub cultures of any type. People generalize about these cultures without realizing they aren't all bad. It teaches diversity without calling it that. Make sense?
Any rate, I appreciate the comments, and certainly the six stars. Thanks for both,
Rhonda

Comment from KjSilver

Exceptional

A very well written scene. I couldn't see any grammatical errors. Your flow was fantastic and kept my attention. The dialogue felt natural. I could feel the anticipation coming.

Very well done.

 Comment Written 04-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016

Thank you so much, KJ. I appreciate the stars and the comments.
Have a great week,
Rhonda

Comment from emptypage

Exceptional

OMG---daywalkers. There's a rem I've never heard. I love it. Nice vampires and leprechauns? What is this world coming to? I adore it.

You wrote:

"My sister is in the sixth grade and still in the building. I'm not leaving without her, Ma'am."

I'm SOOOO happy you know how to spell "ma'am" properly. People cheat these days. I hate the bastardization of our language.

I see no technical issues. The writing is clear and concise. The dialogue is excellent.

Great job.

 Comment Written 04-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016

Wow, thank you for the brilliant six stars!!
I'm glad you liked the spelling of Ma'am. Many don't realize it is an abbreviation for Madame. You're the first to remark on it.
The idea for the "day walkers" is to show kids people don't have to act in a way that's expected due to the group they are associated with, they all have to choose sides for three selves. It's to teach kids diversity using supernatural beings, if that makes sense.

Thanks again, my friend,
Rhonda

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Rhonda, this is another great chapter to your great story. Help is on its way. It's going to be exciting. Are you thinking of publishing this book? It so well deserves it. All the best. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 04-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016

Yes, I am, Ulla, thanks. I was originally published, and they were supposed to edit it. At the time, I didn't really know what that meant. I guess I thought it would be like this site, but it wasn't, so I bought my rights back to the book, am rewriting it now, and will republish when it's complete. It's come a long way this year!

Thank you for being with me on it!
Rhonda

Comment from royowen

Excellent

It looks like what were traditional baddies, Jerry Crandall is a dywlker vampireare joining the daredevil girls in their pursuit of defeating the witches and their accompanying baddies. Along comes a leprechaun to diffuse a bomb planted by the witches, well done Rhonda, great scribing, blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 04-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016

Thank you, Roy. Jerry and Sean do know each other, but not as well acquainted as they'll get. Thanks for the review and comments. Have a great Sunday!