Tin Cup
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Procreation"An American Civil War vet heads west.
7 total reviews
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Another great chapter, as usual. Your writing style is very effective. You have good use of dialog and a flow that is easy to follow. Your characters work nicely together.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
  |
Another great chapter, as usual. Your writing style is very effective. You have good use of dialog and a flow that is easy to follow. Your characters work nicely together.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
-
Thank you for reading. I appreciate your kind comments.
Comment from Jay Squires
I got a kick out of Helga screaming and cursing at Jess for getting her in that condition. This whole, brief chapter, was written in a light-hearted manner, though you teased the reader into realizing some mothers and/or their children die during childbirth. A good chapter.
sleep so that was that was the only way [too many "that was's]
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2016
|
I got a kick out of Helga screaming and cursing at Jess for getting her in that condition. This whole, brief chapter, was written in a light-hearted manner, though you teased the reader into realizing some mothers and/or their children die during childbirth. A good chapter.
sleep so that was that was the only way [too many "that was's]
Comment Written 01-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2016
-
I had already re-written that part about an hour ago. I just checked and verified the changes so I'm not sure how you read the un-edited page. Someone else pointed out an error I'd corrected some time earlier. I don't understand how that happens. I do thank you for pointing out my errors, though. I apparently am not very adept at proofreading. I think my brain reads what I think it should say and misses the things I have changed. I also have a problem with my computer. Sometimes when I am typing it jumps back to a previous point or suddenly highlights part and erases that part when I continue typing, then I have to go back and try to fix it. I think my computer is trying to drive me crazy. It is succeeding. (Actually, it has something to do with the touchpad but it still drives me crazy.) I do always appreciate your help and feedback.
-
It has EVERYTHING to do with the touchpad. Satan invented it, you know. I disable it immediately so only my mouse works.
About corrections not showing after you make them ... what happens is the reviewer had downloaded it a long time earlier (to keep the 50% thingy) but doesn't read it for hours (sometime a day -- I'm guilty of that). So he sends corrections to you that you've already corrected.
-
Oh, I see. Yes the touchpad was invented by Satan. I've tried using a mouse instead but it just doesn't work as well for me. I can almost hear the evil laugh.
Comment from LaRosa
Your premise is good in the opening sentences. I think; however, that you could reverse the order of them so it's easier for the reader to follow. Ex)
"Helga had taken to restless sleep (and/so) I had taken to sleeping on the
porch. It was the only way I was going to get any sleep these days."
***by putting Helga first, you state the problem (Helga's restlessness) and
so, there is a result, your lack of sleep. Then you state the solution.
"Just before dawn one day, I woke to...
***leave out the word 'though'. It is not needed. Go for brevity.
Note: If you choose not to go this way notice that you have accidentally
used the phrase "so that was" -twice.
"At first I thought I was back at Shiloh, ....
"...where I was, and
"My way was blocked by Ray and Oota. I heard (her/Oota) tell Ray...not needed,
that he should go outside. Then she turned to me and said sharply,
"...himself, and took my arm.
***could you introduce that you felt shaken by what Oota said?
It then makes more sense when you say that Ray seemed shaken too.
In your phrasing, it sounds like Ray took your arm BECAUSE he was
un-nerved. I think you meant that he took your arm in order to steady
You and get you off to doing something else (to get your mind dis-
tracted).
Did Helga "curse for the first time in your hearing"
a) for the first time in her life?
b) for the first time since the baby started coming?
"....to (be) in that cabin You left out 'be'
***that was cute, made me smile***
I love your story.
*** was Abe literally shaking, and that's why he took your arm?
(OR)
did he feel caught off guard to be ordered around by Oota?
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2016
|
Your premise is good in the opening sentences. I think; however, that you could reverse the order of them so it's easier for the reader to follow. Ex)
"Helga had taken to restless sleep (and/so) I had taken to sleeping on the
porch. It was the only way I was going to get any sleep these days."
***by putting Helga first, you state the problem (Helga's restlessness) and
so, there is a result, your lack of sleep. Then you state the solution.
"Just before dawn one day, I woke to...
***leave out the word 'though'. It is not needed. Go for brevity.
Note: If you choose not to go this way notice that you have accidentally
used the phrase "so that was" -twice.
"At first I thought I was back at Shiloh, ....
"...where I was, and
"My way was blocked by Ray and Oota. I heard (her/Oota) tell Ray...not needed,
that he should go outside. Then she turned to me and said sharply,
"...himself, and took my arm.
***could you introduce that you felt shaken by what Oota said?
It then makes more sense when you say that Ray seemed shaken too.
In your phrasing, it sounds like Ray took your arm BECAUSE he was
un-nerved. I think you meant that he took your arm in order to steady
You and get you off to doing something else (to get your mind dis-
tracted).
Did Helga "curse for the first time in your hearing"
a) for the first time in her life?
b) for the first time since the baby started coming?
"....to (be) in that cabin You left out 'be'
***that was cute, made me smile***
I love your story.
*** was Abe literally shaking, and that's why he took your arm?
(OR)
did he feel caught off guard to be ordered around by Oota?
Comment Written 30-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2016
-
Jess could not have known if this was Helga cursing for the first time in her life, thus, the first time in his hearing. It would shock him either way. I had the lack of the "be" before in that cabin pointed out to me already so I'd fixed that. I made some changes in response to your suggestions. I'm not sure if I got everything right. Thank you for the feedback.
-
Yep, you're right!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
What a sweet story/chapter. Love the picture, too. I guess a midwife would not want the father hanging around making eveyone crazy. Fathers only help at the start of pregnancy. :)
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
|
What a sweet story/chapter. Love the picture, too. I guess a midwife would not want the father hanging around making eveyone crazy. Fathers only help at the start of pregnancy. :)
Comment Written 30-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
-
Well the father wouldn't have been much help at this point. Unless he didn't mind being screamed at or having his hand crushed. He was probably happy to leave at that point. Thank you for reading and for your feedback.
Comment from Heidi M
This seemed realistic with Helga threatening Jess, Oota shooing the men out, and then a delighted, happy Helga. Nice way to let the reader know 'it's a girl!'
Couple of spags:
that was [that was] the only way -Delete one of the 'that was'
I did not want to (be) in that cabin
Good job using italics on your 'previous' part. I also like the large type because it makes it easier to read.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
|
This seemed realistic with Helga threatening Jess, Oota shooing the men out, and then a delighted, happy Helga. Nice way to let the reader know 'it's a girl!'
Couple of spags:
that was [that was] the only way -Delete one of the 'that was'
I did not want to (be) in that cabin
Good job using italics on your 'previous' part. I also like the large type because it makes it easier to read.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
-
Thank you for pointing out my typos. It seems no matter how many times I proofread, I never get them all. I appreciate your support and feedback.
Comment from heisemg
I have been following the story for a while and it keeps getting better. Giving Jesse a daughter to raise should be good for a few chapters or more. Good Story and well written as usual.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
|
I have been following the story for a while and it keeps getting better. Giving Jesse a daughter to raise should be good for a few chapters or more. Good Story and well written as usual.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
-
Thank you for your continued support. I appreciate the feedback and kind words.
Comment from royowen
Dear old Helga has given birth to a lovely baby girl, the midwife was a lady called Oota and when all the screaming had finally stopped, Helga, holding a beautiful baby girl, Jess would be very happy, well done, great episode, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
|
Dear old Helga has given birth to a lovely baby girl, the midwife was a lady called Oota and when all the screaming had finally stopped, Helga, holding a beautiful baby girl, Jess would be very happy, well done, great episode, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 30-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
-
Well, we can only hope things will work out well for them. Thank you for your continued support and review.
-
Most welcome
