Comment from Pantygynt

Excellent

This has the makings of a fine Christmas poem amalgamating as it does the old bilical story with the more up-to-date emblems the pleasantly allterating "trifles, treats and treasures".

A little spaggy bit here needs correction,
"It's heavenly light showing:" This is the possessive pronoun "its" and, like his, hers, yours etc. does not take an apostrophe.

 Comment Written 29-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016

Thank you so much, Pantygynt. I really appreciate the help with errors that I make. Blessings to you and yours this holiday season. Darren

Comment from Bill O'Bier

Excellent

Hello Darren:
Christmas is a truly a tonic for our souls. It moves us to think of others rather than of ourselves. It directs our thoughts to giving and gives us the opportunity to pause and reflect on the important things around us. Christmas, my friend is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas. Thanks for sharing this delightful poem.
Bill~

 Comment Written 29-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016

Thank you so much, Bill. Blessings to you and yours this holiday season. ~ Darren

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

You've written a lovely poem to go with that lovely picture. Your words are so wise, the truth pours from them. This would have been a brilliant entry into the Christmas poem contest. It is just a pleasure to read. Well done! :) Sandra xx

 Comment Written 28-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Thank you, Sandra. Some things are just not meant to be, and I have no regrets. I really appreciate your comments.

reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Edited

Comment from Neonewman

Excellent

I thoroughly enjoyed this wonderfully crafted piece you have delivered to your fans my friend. I love this time of the year, when family and friends join in praise and celebration.
God bless!
Steve

 Comment Written 28-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Thank you so much, Neil. Blessings to you and yours. Darren

reply by Neonewman on 28-Nov-2016

my pleasure Darren

reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Edited

Comment from Thal1959

Excellent

A fine poem that just falls short of a six star rating as the beat comes and goes. The sentiment and the thoughts are very well chosen, but some words and line lengths struggle a bit. For instance:
"So, if you are reading, 
preparing for your rest
know that we are needing
to all be truly blessed"
Each line has six syllables and the choice of words makes the rhythm automatic. But the following stanza:
"If you've been mistreated,
 like a rock, been tumbled
 whosoever exalts himself
shall in the end be humbled"
The number of syllables varies slightly, and one can read it the first time without error. But a subsequent reading may trip a bit. The second line is tricky. "like, rock, and tumbled, are a bit hard on the ears and the lips when read... the words stagger the beat which becomes more noticeable with the following, longer lines.
But this is just my opinion. I have read a number of poems on Fanstory that had wonderful themes, and the poet chose words that make his point clear, but often times, the rhythm is a bit herky-jerky. Usually because a line may have too many "abrupt" words, like crop, up, targeted, etc.

This is where the poet is tasked to read his own work as if he does not know what words will come in the next line. If one orally or mentally staggers, if behooves the writer to consider rephrasing the line or choosing softer, smoother words. Again, this is just my opinion. It is still a very good work. Thanks.

 Comment Written 27-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Thank you so much, Thal. It is comments like yours that I am specifically looking for; I very much appreciate your input, and these type of reviews are the tools that I need to hone my passion. Very appreciated. Darren

reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Thanks for the advice. I was not very happy with those lines, but needed a little extra help to provide the initiative to fix them. I am sincerely grateful, as you provided that. Please let me know what you think of the revision! Darren

reply by Thal1959 on 28-Nov-2016

You are starting to make me feel guilty, Badger 29. You rewrote the whole stanza!
"Treat others as you would yourself
 and try not to grumble
For whosoever exalts himself
shall be duly humbled"

This may sound counter to what I said before, but a poet should never make that much of a change to please someone else. There is much in your original stanza that is a good thought, but a minor flaw to the beat requires only a minor rewording. (Please remember that one does not have to reword their work, if they are happy with it as it stands.) The affected line originally was line two...
"If you've been mistreated,
like a rock, been tumbled
whosoever exalts himself
shall in the end be humbled"

It seems you set a meter alternating 8 syllables with 6. (Naturally, some lines are a syllable more or less.) So there would be no restrictions to padding a line by a syllable or reducing it by one. Therefore...
"If you've been mistreated..." the word "mistreated," in "accentual prosody" is called a Bacchius - one unstressed syllable followed by two stressed or moderately stressed syllables. (Like "the fast track" where the article "the" almost disappears to the conspicuous "fast" and "track.") Mistreated is a good word in the context of the poem, but it can cause problems when used as the last word in the line. This can be helped by opening the contraction "you've" to "you have" thus... If you have been mistreated. The extra syllable helps build to the ending Bacchius which always needs a soft setup. Then...
"like a rock, been tumbled" could have been likewise softened by, "Or like a stone, been tumbled." The word "stone" is not as abrupt as "rock." the word "Or" softens "like." (Words, or syllables, that end with Bs, Ds, Gs, Ks, Ps, Ts, or Xs, tend to halt the beat. This is why the words, "like, "rock," and "tumbled," trip a little on the tongue. (Speaking those words trips orally more so than just reading the line.) But that is all that was required, an extra syllable here or there, or a softer word to keep the line moving smoother. I would also place a comma in the last line... "shall in the end(,) be humbled." This pairs with "been tumbled" (Been tumbled - be humbled.) I normally don't try to "tell" another poet what to write, I just offer a suggestion from time to time, so it distressed me when you rewrote the whole stanza, which wasn't necessary. The bulk of what you wrote was fine, except for the trip in the second verse for the reason I gave. In my personal opinion, I would rather you return to your original thought with only the minor changes I have mentioned...
"If you have been mistreated,
Or like a stone, been tumbled
whosoever exalts himself
shall in the end, be humbled"

Thanks for understanding.

reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016

Dear Thal, I rewrote it because of more than one reason, however, I wanted to see if I could keep the Rhyme scheme, and I accomplished that. PLEASE do not feel guilty, as I did not do this all on your account, and I still consider it a work in progress. I am very pleased that I was able to garner such a very nice chunk of advice; it is I who should feel guilty,but I say we are even, let it go. We both learned something which I call the finer art of social interaction, which can be akin to the art of poetry. Trust me, I did not repeat your suggestions ver batum, but rather used your priceless advice to build on my own, which seems to be growing exponentially, as is everything in my life right now. The others who have given me the most important unbiased advice here are rama devi and irishauthorme. Now I am intrigued and honored to be interacting with writer as knowledgeable as you. I am also sincerely appreciative of the time you have given me. I was born April 20, 1963, and the older I get, the more value I place on this elusive, fleeting and inexplicable commodity. I am blessed, Darren

reply by Thal1959 on 29-Nov-2016

Thanks for the reply. I haven't been with Fanstory very long, but the civil discourse that it engenders is a six star commodity of its own. Good luck in your future works.

reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016

Thanks, Thal, you have been a positive influence, and I am thankful. Peace, Darren

Comment from RGstar

Excellent

I liked this, Badger.
The spirit of Christmas as well not forgetting its reason, in other words. Faith is a good thing when it breeds goodness.
This is a time of year also to review the plight of others....with a helping hand.
Well done.
My best wishes.
Have a great day.
RGstar

 Comment Written 27-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Thank you so much, RG, blessings to you and yours. Darren

reply by RGstar on 28-Nov-2016

My best, Badger

reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Edited

Comment from Oatmeal

Excellent

Badger,

Your feelings are expressed well. Well chosen words are excellent. The theme is strong. Your feelings are expressed well. Your arrangement looks very nice. The flow is smooth.

The last two stanzas do not rhyme completely. No big deal.

If you've been mistreated,
like a rock, been tumbled
whosoever exalts himself
shall in the end be humbled

Show kindness to your neighbor
who should not be faulted
for he that humbleth himself
shall surely be exalted

*himself rhymes with nothing. Everything else looks good.

Your feelings are very understandable and expressed through the poem.

I look forward to seeing you again.

Love you,

Oatmeal

 Comment Written 27-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016

Thank you so much, oatmeal. I really appreciate your comments. Darren

reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Thanks, oat , you have given me some valuable information, and I am sincerely grateful. I have since edited, please let me know what you think. Darren

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Badger-Man,

This was a sweet and tender poem about Christmas now and then. I enjoyed the tip of the hat to the Babe in the stables and then to all the gifts and blessings the Babe - all grown up - can give. Sweet offering! Thanks!

 Comment Written 27-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016

Thank you so much, Robyn. Blessings to you and yours. Badger

reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Edited, thanks robyn

Comment from Thomas Bowling

Excellent

Excellent poem. You should send this out as a Christmas card. I just posted my first attempt at a country song. I would appreciate your comments. Slamming Doors.

 Comment Written 27-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016

Thanks Thomas, I think I will, great advice. Loved your slamming door . . .

reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Edited

Comment from irishauthorme

Excellent

This is your best work so far, you stay on subject better, all the verses support each other and the message comes across especially suited to this season with Christmas just around the corner.
Made a few suggestions and that's all they are, may help the rhythm and flow of your great piece. Sorry no 6'es left, this deserved one.
irish


Verse 4, line 1, comma after lowing, Line 2, omit "a",
capitalize Star. Line 3, omit "It's.
Verses 8 & 9, restructure and combine: Almost all other verses have 7 syllables in the first line, these have only 5, breaking the rhythm of your poem. Perhaps,
Some may feel differently
gathered around the tree
But for those who realize,
Love is the gift, the prize.
But you will have to re-write for your own meaning.

Verse 9 would have to be rewritten to clarify,
And Jesus wants to cherish
All who come to Grace,
That none should die and perish
When they leave this earthly place
But you can change all this to clarify your meaning.
irish

 Comment Written 27-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016

Thanks, Irish, have already done some editing. I really appreciate your your comments and perception.

reply by the author on 27-Nov-2016

Done, type so much

reply by the author on 28-Nov-2016

Edited