The Old Man
A Pantygynt26 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for sharing another one of your fine poems. This is one of those that really puts a person to thinking. There are worse things than murder, in which a person can get away from torture if he dies. But having to live every day with molestation could stab someone every day. I don't know if I could be the better person and look out of the uncle.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
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Thanks for sharing another one of your fine poems. This is one of those that really puts a person to thinking. There are worse things than murder, in which a person can get away from torture if he dies. But having to live every day with molestation could stab someone every day. I don't know if I could be the better person and look out of the uncle.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
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I don't know if I could stand to be around him - glad he's not my uncle! The kids (adults now) are still traumatized. He ruined a lot of lives. Can't believe I wrote a poem about such a horrible subject!
Carol
Comment from Pantygynt
What an amazingly sad tale, an awful story really yet told with amazing courage and a kind of sympathy. The cone of silence that seems to establish itself around such people is hard to understand unless I suppose one is intimately involved.
Dare I say it? I think the form worked so well in this instance. The monorhyming tercets really banged the message home. I have never felt prouder of having created this form than now, finding it used to put over such an important theme.
Unfortunately all my sixes have gone.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
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What an amazingly sad tale, an awful story really yet told with amazing courage and a kind of sympathy. The cone of silence that seems to establish itself around such people is hard to understand unless I suppose one is intimately involved.
Dare I say it? I think the form worked so well in this instance. The monorhyming tercets really banged the message home. I have never felt prouder of having created this form than now, finding it used to put over such an important theme.
Unfortunately all my sixes have gone.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
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Having internet problems at home but hopefully can get this through. I felt kind of bad using your beautiful form for this but you're right, it really bangs the message home.
I meant to kill him in the poem but couldn't do it. Sadly, I think the family will continue to visit him. No justice.
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I came through fine. I hope you can manage to review my free verse contest entry just posted.
Comment from dragonpoet
Why did they let the abuse go on for so long. He abused so many children, he should of been in jail a long time ago. I can't believe, he really can't remember what he did earlier. In a nursing home with only other people his age is where he should be if not it jail. The speaker was kind and maybe gullible to care enough to stay with the man.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
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Why did they let the abuse go on for so long. He abused so many children, he should of been in jail a long time ago. I can't believe, he really can't remember what he did earlier. In a nursing home with only other people his age is where he should be if not it jail. The speaker was kind and maybe gullible to care enough to stay with the man.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
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I like to think I would have stopped him - if I wasn't a victim myself. What a horrible man. Now old and feeling sorry for himself, and should have been in jail all this time!
Carol
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He shouldn't feel sorry for himself. I hope I would have turned him in too.
Joan
Comment from mfowler
A lovely poem, Carol.
I admire the way you've become the central character. Your verses show the emotional roller-coaster the character feels as he/she followed in trying to be sensitive to the old criminal's request. Pretty much as I imagined.
The Pantygynt is perfect for this narrative. It is a slowly developed narrative. The structure allows the narrative to deliver just enough to develop emotion and story detail.
Your poem deals with a crime that will always be loaded by the emotion of children's safety. I think you've delivered the tone and detail almost perfectly.
Overall, a fine story very well shared.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2016
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A lovely poem, Carol.
I admire the way you've become the central character. Your verses show the emotional roller-coaster the character feels as he/she followed in trying to be sensitive to the old criminal's request. Pretty much as I imagined.
The Pantygynt is perfect for this narrative. It is a slowly developed narrative. The structure allows the narrative to deliver just enough to develop emotion and story detail.
Your poem deals with a crime that will always be loaded by the emotion of children's safety. I think you've delivered the tone and detail almost perfectly.
Overall, a fine story very well shared.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2016
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I think I took this on, wanting to go ahead and kill the old bastard in the poem. But I couldn't do it - I just left him to sit there, alone, in a room where he'll die eventually.
I did like the Pantygynt for this one, the three rhyming lines in tetrameter help to drive the point home. It's a great form and is one I'm sure I'll use for life. Thanks for your kind, insightful comments, Mark.
Comment from GoodHearted Woman
It looks from here to be very challenging to take that theme (however true) and actually make a work of art to it--it sickens us so. But...I guess for the gal who can make a work of art out of a septic tank, I'll just chalk it up to part of the amazing gift you are given--laugh. (I think your it's is its--but hat do I know). Had I not fallen ill and been so tightly confined, I would have missed out on the best parts of Fanstory--may never have gotten my teeth into some of the best writing endeavors anywhere. There is good in everything. Think of you often! Marcia GHW
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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It looks from here to be very challenging to take that theme (however true) and actually make a work of art to it--it sickens us so. But...I guess for the gal who can make a work of art out of a septic tank, I'll just chalk it up to part of the amazing gift you are given--laugh. (I think your it's is its--but hat do I know). Had I not fallen ill and been so tightly confined, I would have missed out on the best parts of Fanstory--may never have gotten my teeth into some of the best writing endeavors anywhere. There is good in everything. Think of you often! Marcia GHW
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Lol, yes, the septic tank! Ha ha! Thanks for remembering that one :))
There are indeed gifts sometimes hidden in the trials that afflict us. I hope your illness is improving, no matter now much you appreciate the great things on Fanstory! Thank you my dear friend, for reading and appreciating my poems!
Carol
Comment from brenda bickers
Wow, Carol this is a powerful poem.
You have managed to convey two conflicting emotions in one character perfectly,
and portray the fragile yet un-repentant attitude of the old man. You write with such passion that makes the reader feel all those emotions. Well done, a great poem.
Brenda:))x
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2016
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Wow, Carol this is a powerful poem.
You have managed to convey two conflicting emotions in one character perfectly,
and portray the fragile yet un-repentant attitude of the old man. You write with such passion that makes the reader feel all those emotions. Well done, a great poem.
Brenda:))x
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2016
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Thanks, Brenda, it's a compelling story, isn't it? Kinda makes you feel sick. Life doesn't seem to be fair sometimes..
Carol
Comment from LIJ Red
That is based on millions of true stories. Nasty people get old and pitiful the same as saints. Nastiness can be subtle, too. No wonder so many people in nursing homes never have visitors....I am not going to look up the complexities of a Pantygynt. This reads excellent to me.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
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That is based on millions of true stories. Nasty people get old and pitiful the same as saints. Nastiness can be subtle, too. No wonder so many people in nursing homes never have visitors....I am not going to look up the complexities of a Pantygynt. This reads excellent to me.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
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Yes, we all get old and pitiful...I felt sickened by the pity for old Dom. But while I wanted to kill him in the poem, intended to, I couldnt do it. Appreciate your thoughts here, Carol
Comment from Dean Kuch
In life, we reap what we sow, Carol.
Perhaps if Dom hadn't done what he did, someone would have been more than happy to take him in, instead of placing him in a nursing home to die.
I volunteer in nursing homes, and that's all the people there are doing.
They're waiting to die. I dare say some are even looking forward to it.
This notwithstanding...
Instead I sat upon a chair
inside his tiny room
to spend a night in trembling prayer,
the place so like a tomb.
I'd make my way by morning light
with sober brow and inner plight
my duty done, and then my right -
to leave him to his doom. ... The last few lines here in your well-written Panygynt poem sums up what I was saying nicely.
These people are simply waiting to die...
Awesome as usual, Carol.
I do so love the Pantygynt form, don't you?
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2016
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In life, we reap what we sow, Carol.
Perhaps if Dom hadn't done what he did, someone would have been more than happy to take him in, instead of placing him in a nursing home to die.
I volunteer in nursing homes, and that's all the people there are doing.
They're waiting to die. I dare say some are even looking forward to it.
This notwithstanding...
Instead I sat upon a chair
inside his tiny room
to spend a night in trembling prayer,
the place so like a tomb.
I'd make my way by morning light
with sober brow and inner plight
my duty done, and then my right -
to leave him to his doom. ... The last few lines here in your well-written Panygynt poem sums up what I was saying nicely.
These people are simply waiting to die...
Awesome as usual, Carol.
I do so love the Pantygynt form, don't you?
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2016
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I'm sure many of them do look forward to dying. I know my grandmother was done living in her 90s, but lived to be 101. Good for you to volunteer, you're a sweet person! Happy Thanksgiving my friend!
Carol
Comment from rama devi
Yikes--he sounds creepy. This is very well penned, my friend. It captures a deep POV and has great flow and rhyming and phonetics. A few minor suggestions:
He whispered then, "o(O)h stay, you see
I'm all alone, so pity me."
Great rhymes here:
"I can't recall, though you have asked,
what happened in that distant past,
Superb rhyme medley here too--well timed:
for children who lived steeped in fear,
in tortured, bloody atmosphere,
and all these years he'd kept them near,
Well voiced:
Now old, alone, I pitied him,
though sickened in my soul.
Repulsion heaved, my thoughts were grim;
so trapped within my role.
*optional suggestion:
I thought about his hateful life,
his beastly mind and lying wife,(;)
I thought to raise a carving knife -
* great stanza--note one suggestion:
Instead I sat upon a chair
inside his tiny room, (comma optional--suggest deleting)
to spend a night in trembling prayer,
the place so like a tomb.
Great closing note:
I'd make my way by morning light
with sober brow and inner plight
my duty done, and then my right -
to leave him to his doom.
Sounds good read aloud.
It's a great soul-muscle building exercise to practice compassion for such evil men. Bravo to you on the strength of character to pity the poor man. He has to live with what he'd done whether he recalls it or not...karma's law...
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2016
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Yikes--he sounds creepy. This is very well penned, my friend. It captures a deep POV and has great flow and rhyming and phonetics. A few minor suggestions:
He whispered then, "o(O)h stay, you see
I'm all alone, so pity me."
Great rhymes here:
"I can't recall, though you have asked,
what happened in that distant past,
Superb rhyme medley here too--well timed:
for children who lived steeped in fear,
in tortured, bloody atmosphere,
and all these years he'd kept them near,
Well voiced:
Now old, alone, I pitied him,
though sickened in my soul.
Repulsion heaved, my thoughts were grim;
so trapped within my role.
*optional suggestion:
I thought about his hateful life,
his beastly mind and lying wife,(;)
I thought to raise a carving knife -
* great stanza--note one suggestion:
Instead I sat upon a chair
inside his tiny room, (comma optional--suggest deleting)
to spend a night in trembling prayer,
the place so like a tomb.
Great closing note:
I'd make my way by morning light
with sober brow and inner plight
my duty done, and then my right -
to leave him to his doom.
Sounds good read aloud.
It's a great soul-muscle building exercise to practice compassion for such evil men. Bravo to you on the strength of character to pity the poor man. He has to live with what he'd done whether he recalls it or not...karma's law...
Love,
rd
Comment Written 22-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2016
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Thanks for the read and suggestions. What a story, right? Our friend stopped by the house, on his way to stay with the old guy on his first night in the old folks home. I could sense extremely mixed emotions from him - disgust and pity for the man. I felt disgust too, and thought I'd kill the old man in my poem, but in the end I couldn't. I just left him to while away the empty hours in that room, alone with his own memories and conscience (if he has one).
Grim subject, I know,
love,
Carol
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Glad you're not a killer, dear, even in a poem. LOL Just teasing. Love and hugs, rd
Comment from royowen
Probably the worst of all crimes, the abuse of children, sexual or otherwise, it's a life sentence, and possibly stretching into other generations, beautifully inspired work Carol, excellent layout of refrain and counter. In great varied rhyme to change the mood, excellent work, Carol, you're certainly wearing your mojo, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2016
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Probably the worst of all crimes, the abuse of children, sexual or otherwise, it's a life sentence, and possibly stretching into other generations, beautifully inspired work Carol, excellent layout of refrain and counter. In great varied rhyme to change the mood, excellent work, Carol, you're certainly wearing your mojo, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 22-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2016
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I do believe he was abused by his own father, and turned into a serial abuser himself creating such a damaged family. Kind of a strange topic to write a poem about, but I found the story disturbing and unforgettable.
Carol
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Well done Carol
