Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter One part Zwei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
36 total reviews
Comment from judiverse
I really like the suspense in this. Shana has found someone who seems safe, Drew, and jumped in his car. That didn't eliminate her problem, though, because it appears the mean following her have showed up at her hotel. A suspenseful conclusion to this portion. Shana's resourceful in deciding to get into Drew's car, and she will probably turn to him in the future, as he seems to be trustworthy. And she needs someone she can trust, as the men following her want something she has. In the paragraph starting "I don't have a good feeling about this" make it clear that the thought is Anderson's. Maybe 'I don't have a good feeling about this,' Anderson thought. We've mostly been seeing things through Shana's eyes, and this shifts the focus. judi
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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I really like the suspense in this. Shana has found someone who seems safe, Drew, and jumped in his car. That didn't eliminate her problem, though, because it appears the mean following her have showed up at her hotel. A suspenseful conclusion to this portion. Shana's resourceful in deciding to get into Drew's car, and she will probably turn to him in the future, as he seems to be trustworthy. And she needs someone she can trust, as the men following her want something she has. In the paragraph starting "I don't have a good feeling about this" make it clear that the thought is Anderson's. Maybe 'I don't have a good feeling about this,' Anderson thought. We've mostly been seeing things through Shana's eyes, and this shifts the focus. judi
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Okay, I will recheck that area. I appreciate the help.
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You're very welcome. judi
Comment from lancellot
This is a well written chapter. You do a good job of moving things along and holding the readers interest and making us curious about Shana and who's following her.
Flawless work.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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This is a well written chapter. You do a good job of moving things along and holding the readers interest and making us curious about Shana and who's following her.
Flawless work.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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I appreciate the kind review.
Comment from c_lucas
You are doing a good job with maintaining the suspense factor. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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You are doing a good job with maintaining the suspense factor. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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I appreciate the kind review.
Comment from royowen
It sounds like Shana is in a heap of trouble with three men chasing after her, she'd jumped into a guy's car called Anderson AKA Drew, she won't tell him why. But he follows her to her hotel, after dropping her off, to see her fleeing from her hotel, he catches her, assuring her he's not with "them". A great enigmatic start Barbara, well done, blessings. Roy
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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It sounds like Shana is in a heap of trouble with three men chasing after her, she'd jumped into a guy's car called Anderson AKA Drew, she won't tell him why. But he follows her to her hotel, after dropping her off, to see her fleeing from her hotel, he catches her, assuring her he's not with "them". A great enigmatic start Barbara, well done, blessings. Roy
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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I appreciate the kind review.
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My pleasure Barbara
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, so he's really trying to help. I can understand she's paranoid and now it appears the three men are waiting for her in the hotel lobby. It's getting exciting. All the best. Ulla:)))
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reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Hi Barbara, so he's really trying to help. I can understand she's paranoid and now it appears the three men are waiting for her in the hotel lobby. It's getting exciting. All the best. Ulla:)))
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Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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I appreciate the kind review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Barbara,
There is really good energy in the dialogue here and the pacing of this instalment is pretty fast. Very nice.
I hope you like our city, but you didn't told me your name - haven't told or didn't tell me.
Let me take you to your hotel." What's the address?" - delete the speech marks after hotel.
"You, all right?" - I don't think you need the comma here.
Good stuff
G
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reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Hi Barbara,
There is really good energy in the dialogue here and the pacing of this instalment is pretty fast. Very nice.
I hope you like our city, but you didn't told me your name - haven't told or didn't tell me.
Let me take you to your hotel." What's the address?" - delete the speech marks after hotel.
"You, all right?" - I don't think you need the comma here.
Good stuff
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Your first correction is one of the sentences that I worked and worked on all through editing. Thank you for helping. It was killing me. LOL
