Boys Will Be Boys
Prose Potlatch Challenge--Depict Emotion19 total reviews
Comment from Sefiros
I do not like Laura's father. He is a cold, calculating, crazy guy who does the extreme to safeguard his daughter. I'm not a parent, but seriously. This guy is unhinged. Congrats for making such a creepy antagonist. Good luck on the next writing.
  |
I do not like Laura's father. He is a cold, calculating, crazy guy who does the extreme to safeguard his daughter. I'm not a parent, but seriously. This guy is unhinged. Congrats for making such a creepy antagonist. Good luck on the next writing.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2016
Comment from humpwhistle
Mikey, I wonder if this is too heavy on story to really meet the 'emotion' requisite of this prompt. Yes, there is emotion here, but the story seems to over power it. Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
Rory and Laura reached the forest --if you use Laura's name in the first paragraph (instead of 'she'), it might better. Proper names first, pronouns later.
Rory and Laura reached the forest and he went to work as soon as they reached the little clearing they called their secret spot.--Two 'reached's. How bout something like: As soon as Rory reached their secret wooded spot . . .
Clothes began flying --Do we need 'began'? Clothes flew as . . .
as people began running to escape the rapid fire reports that had filled the quiet night. Bodies began flying through -- Two more unnecessary 'begans'.
|
Mikey, I wonder if this is too heavy on story to really meet the 'emotion' requisite of this prompt. Yes, there is emotion here, but the story seems to over power it. Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
Rory and Laura reached the forest --if you use Laura's name in the first paragraph (instead of 'she'), it might better. Proper names first, pronouns later.
Rory and Laura reached the forest and he went to work as soon as they reached the little clearing they called their secret spot.--Two 'reached's. How bout something like: As soon as Rory reached their secret wooded spot . . .
Clothes began flying --Do we need 'began'? Clothes flew as . . .
as people began running to escape the rapid fire reports that had filled the quiet night. Bodies began flying through -- Two more unnecessary 'begans'.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
Comment from Ric Myworld
Wow, I don't guess those students will be planning to set Laura up for filming any more. Children and young adults can be cruel. What am I talking about, people can be cruel, seldom even considering the hurt, humiliation, and debilitation effects to others. Great job. :-)
|
Wow, I don't guess those students will be planning to set Laura up for filming any more. Children and young adults can be cruel. What am I talking about, people can be cruel, seldom even considering the hurt, humiliation, and debilitation effects to others. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
Comment from Pantygynt
Nothing like a bit of murderous dogging to add a bit of salacious interest to a Monday's reviewing. I have to admit I was confused by the instructions as to whom the emotions were supposed to be manifest, the observed or the observer. Certainly, the observed, the randy Rory and Laura were in a highly emotional state, sexual desire being the relevant one here.
Brad too, the voyeur on the cell phone video was probably also aroused by whatever emotion arouses voyeurs.
Finally there is the observer, the father who enraged by what he observes opens fire on the boys concerned motivated to open fire initially by rage I would say. He is however more clinical when he shoots Laura. Patly anger and partly disappointment in his own daughter.
Perhaps in a real life situation, the sort of situation we have got too used to hearing about, he would finally turn the gun on himself.
You have done a god job here though because this is all shown, none of it told and not a word spoken from start to finish.
|
Nothing like a bit of murderous dogging to add a bit of salacious interest to a Monday's reviewing. I have to admit I was confused by the instructions as to whom the emotions were supposed to be manifest, the observed or the observer. Certainly, the observed, the randy Rory and Laura were in a highly emotional state, sexual desire being the relevant one here.
Brad too, the voyeur on the cell phone video was probably also aroused by whatever emotion arouses voyeurs.
Finally there is the observer, the father who enraged by what he observes opens fire on the boys concerned motivated to open fire initially by rage I would say. He is however more clinical when he shoots Laura. Patly anger and partly disappointment in his own daughter.
Perhaps in a real life situation, the sort of situation we have got too used to hearing about, he would finally turn the gun on himself.
You have done a god job here though because this is all shown, none of it told and not a word spoken from start to finish.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written story. Boys always want to have adventures, this time the adventure backfire and force them to flee for their lives or end up dead, like the girl that was used for their enjoyment.
|
A very well-written story. Boys always want to have adventures, this time the adventure backfire and force them to flee for their lives or end up dead, like the girl that was used for their enjoyment.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
Comment from ~Dovey
Hi Mikey,
I'd say you were up for this challenge. What a sad ending for Laura, although, I'm sure her father, too, was crushed. Your piece is quite powerful, which was hard to pull off with no dialogue, I'm sure. Nice job with the 3rd person point of view.
Kim
|
Hi Mikey,
I'd say you were up for this challenge. What a sad ending for Laura, although, I'm sure her father, too, was crushed. Your piece is quite powerful, which was hard to pull off with no dialogue, I'm sure. Nice job with the 3rd person point of view.
Kim
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
Comment from barkingdog
Her father shot everyone? Even strangers? Not just Rory and Laura.
What was his motivation?
Was he some sort of crazed religious nut against sex without marriage?
Quite a shocking twist ending, but I think you did show and not tell.
:) e
|
Her father shot everyone? Even strangers? Not just Rory and Laura.
What was his motivation?
Was he some sort of crazed religious nut against sex without marriage?
Quite a shocking twist ending, but I think you did show and not tell.
:) e
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
Comment from country ranch writer
hum maybe I might just give it a try here and there who knows what will happen if I happened to do this so hum we shall mull it over a bit before deciding
|
hum maybe I might just give it a try here and there who knows what will happen if I happened to do this so hum we shall mull it over a bit before deciding
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
Comment from BOO ghost
Lot of emotion, here. Rory looked up and made eye contact with Brad who was recording the event on his cell phone. Oh, no. Jump to the branch right outside her window, shimmy over to the trunk and climb down almost like a ladder. Well, I guess the father caught on to this. The boy in the bushes with the cell phone. HE QUALIFIES AS THE THIRD PERSON, OBSERVER. The father is another observer. Looks like the tramp daughter paid the piper for her sexual atrocities. Bang! BOO.
|
Lot of emotion, here. Rory looked up and made eye contact with Brad who was recording the event on his cell phone. Oh, no. Jump to the branch right outside her window, shimmy over to the trunk and climb down almost like a ladder. Well, I guess the father caught on to this. The boy in the bushes with the cell phone. HE QUALIFIES AS THE THIRD PERSON, OBSERVER. The father is another observer. Looks like the tramp daughter paid the piper for her sexual atrocities. Bang! BOO.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Wow mikey I wasn't expecting quite that ending with Dad. I'm thinking not only anger but disappointment in his little girl. The passion of the teens was obvious as was the creativity of the writer.Great flash fiction story,
well done plus on this one.
cheers,
valda
|
Wow mikey I wasn't expecting quite that ending with Dad. I'm thinking not only anger but disappointment in his little girl. The passion of the teens was obvious as was the creativity of the writer.Great flash fiction story,
well done plus on this one.
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
