The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 50 "Phone Call Express-- DDG Chapter 50"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
16 total reviews
Comment from Pam (respa)
-The image is appropriate for the story.
-There is a lot going on in the chapter, sort of "rally the troops."
-Even Akie is included!
-I'm not sure all the dialogue worked for me, but maybe young readers would like it.
-When all these "troops" gather, it will be quite something.
-Maybe that is a clue that the bad guys better watch out!
-Tina did do a good job, as instructed by Emory.
-I think each group should have a T-shirt. Can I buy one?!
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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-The image is appropriate for the story.
-There is a lot going on in the chapter, sort of "rally the troops."
-Even Akie is included!
-I'm not sure all the dialogue worked for me, but maybe young readers would like it.
-When all these "troops" gather, it will be quite something.
-Maybe that is a clue that the bad guys better watch out!
-Tina did do a good job, as instructed by Emory.
-I think each group should have a T-shirt. Can I buy one?!
Comment Written 16-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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Sorry it dragged for you. I started it out more narrative, and summarized what she was saying, but I was afraid people would say I was telling rather than showing. Oh well, now I know it didn't work. I'll fix it later. Thank you for your honesty!
Rhonda
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Maybe a combination would work. Don't be hasty in changing. Maybe look at what you had originally. I know you told one reviewer that young readers would relate to this; I have no expertise in that area; they do like to be on the phone! It wasn't that it dragged, but it was a lot to absorb with so many people Tina talked to, but I can see why you wanted her to be taking responsibility. Hope that helps.
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That does help, thanks. I was also trying to move the pieces on my board quickly. lol!
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You are always welcome, Rhonda. Can I ask what pieces on what board?
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
This is a good continuation of the story
Calling in the support troupes
sounds like the entire supernatural world
I guess young readers might like the Phone Call Express
since they live on their phones
But us "older folk" found it a bit repetitious
the chapter dragged on a bit for me
In the retirement homes, people are not so much
Day Walkers as day nappers
But the big confrontation appears to be approaching, at last
The old witches won't know what hit them
Nicely done
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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Hello Rhonda,
This is a good continuation of the story
Calling in the support troupes
sounds like the entire supernatural world
I guess young readers might like the Phone Call Express
since they live on their phones
But us "older folk" found it a bit repetitious
the chapter dragged on a bit for me
In the retirement homes, people are not so much
Day Walkers as day nappers
But the big confrontation appears to be approaching, at last
The old witches won't know what hit them
Nicely done
Comment Written 16-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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Sorry the chapter was too repetitious. I was trying something that didn't quite work out, I guess. I can go back and rewrite it, and will probably do so later. Thank you for pointing it all out. I guess you win some and you lose some, right?
Take care,
Rhonda
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You win most! It may well be that the young reader you write for with the daredevil girls
will like it just fine. You're probably the best judge of that, my friend.
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No, it seemed right at the time, but now that I look over it through different eyes, you're right. It is a bit overstated. I'm used to rewriting. We all are. I'll fix it after I post the next Humanity Project chapter!
Comment from KjSilver
It was interesting. It took me a moment to realize that the first telephone conversation was one-sided. I like having all the mythical beings coming together. I would have liked to have some more scene setting, but I'm sure it had already been set prior to this chapter.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2016
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It was interesting. It took me a moment to realize that the first telephone conversation was one-sided. I like having all the mythical beings coming together. I would have liked to have some more scene setting, but I'm sure it had already been set prior to this chapter.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2016
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It is hard to come in the middle of a book and get an accurate idea of what's going on, but your perception is your perception, and that's what you have to go on. Thank you for reading,
Rhonda
Comment from Douglas Paul
I think I have missed some of this while I have been scarce, but I am glad to pick it back up. I really like the daredevil girl stories. Sounds like quite an army is amassing.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2016
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I think I have missed some of this while I have been scarce, but I am glad to pick it back up. I really like the daredevil girl stories. Sounds like quite an army is amassing.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Douglas! I'm glad you're back reading them, too! There is an army about to converge on the one inside the school!
Great fun, and good to have you back.
Thanks, especially, for the beautiful shiny stars!!!
Rhonda
PS. My regards to the Badger.
Comment from Heidi M
She is an industrious twelve-year old, but you handled it well by mentioning her excitement at being able to stay up all night using the phone. I liked the password and all the various types of creatures that will be amassing.
I think this type of 'aide' should be 'aid', but that's U.S. English.
The opposing sides are lining up so there will soon be a big conflict.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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She is an industrious twelve-year old, but you handled it well by mentioning her excitement at being able to stay up all night using the phone. I liked the password and all the various types of creatures that will be amassing.
I think this type of 'aide' should be 'aid', but that's U.S. English.
The opposing sides are lining up so there will soon be a big conflict.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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You're so right on aid. I mess that one up as much as I do lay and lie. haha. I'll fix it!
Big conflict is definitely forthcoming!! Thanks for reading,
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
This was a highly interesting chapter. That Tina Allen is centre to the action makes a huge difference to me.
It's essentially about phone calls to a wide and worthy group of ex-spirit types who've been asked to help Nancy and the girls get set for a big rescue. Little do the witches and werewolves know about the forces being cast around them. I just hope they're as powerful as the enemy sound.
Loved to see the mummy reinvented. His value will be terrific.
The dialogue you employ really gets to the heart of the guest's lives, and they owe Nancy and the gals so much. They have no real alternative but to fly in.
A fine effort.
SPAGs:
You have to meet him before 5 a.m.. ... close speech marks
I mean are you a mummy? ... close speech marks
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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This was a highly interesting chapter. That Tina Allen is centre to the action makes a huge difference to me.
It's essentially about phone calls to a wide and worthy group of ex-spirit types who've been asked to help Nancy and the girls get set for a big rescue. Little do the witches and werewolves know about the forces being cast around them. I just hope they're as powerful as the enemy sound.
Loved to see the mummy reinvented. His value will be terrific.
The dialogue you employ really gets to the heart of the guest's lives, and they owe Nancy and the gals so much. They have no real alternative but to fly in.
A fine effort.
SPAGs:
You have to meet him before 5 a.m.. ... close speech marks
I mean are you a mummy? ... close speech marks
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the wonderful review!
I was fixing the very spag you mentioned while you were reviewing. haha. Oh well, at least they're fixed, right??
As always, I look forward to your detailed reviews,
Rhonda
Comment from MelB
Hi Rhonda, another great chapter to the story. Very good dialogue. Werewolves, leprechauns, and vampires - there's a lot going on here.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Hi Rhonda, another great chapter to the story. Very good dialogue. Werewolves, leprechauns, and vampires - there's a lot going on here.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Melissa! Yes, much ado with all those critters!
Hope you have a great week,
Rhonda
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You're welcome. You too:)
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Excellent chapter, Rhonda. I liked the mostly dialogue approach. Everything the reader needed to know was revealed in the dialogue. Your dialogue was very believable. It was not too old or sophisticated for a twelve year old conversation. I also liked the idea of the password, Phone Call Express, to identify Tina. I like how she learned after the first call to use the password when introducing herself. It immediately let the person on the other end know who she was and to take the call seriously. I like the direction this story is going. At this point, it seems as though the 'good guys' are rallying together to get rid of the 'bad guys.' It is encouraging and sends the message to care, get involved, and help fight the battle. Too many people, these days, are willing to sit back and let others take care of things.
This is very well written. I didn't catch any spags. Excellent job with this.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Excellent chapter, Rhonda. I liked the mostly dialogue approach. Everything the reader needed to know was revealed in the dialogue. Your dialogue was very believable. It was not too old or sophisticated for a twelve year old conversation. I also liked the idea of the password, Phone Call Express, to identify Tina. I like how she learned after the first call to use the password when introducing herself. It immediately let the person on the other end know who she was and to take the call seriously. I like the direction this story is going. At this point, it seems as though the 'good guys' are rallying together to get rid of the 'bad guys.' It is encouraging and sends the message to care, get involved, and help fight the battle. Too many people, these days, are willing to sit back and let others take care of things.
This is very well written. I didn't catch any spags. Excellent job with this.
Suzanne
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Wow, thank you so much for the wonderful six star review!!! I can't believe I made it past you with no Spag. This is a happy day, my friend!! You're the greatest!
I'm glad the conversation approach worked. I was hoping I didn't overdo that part, but the focus was to be on the child and her mission talking to strangers. I also worked on keeping the conversation believable for a precocious 12-year old, but 12 non-the-less. I, also, tried to make the adult's responses to her appropriate as well.
Thanks again for the wonderful review,
Rhonda (big happy dance and smile)
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:o)
Comment from royowen
I love this episode, Alice has been successful so far in rousting up help from the list of perspectives on this list of possible helpers on Emory Settler's list, recruiting an army of counter supernaturally. The thing that sticks out like a sore thumb in this episode, is the fact that everything is based on decision, good or bad, we'll all have a choice, supernatural or otherwise, well done, Rhonda, great episode, blessings, Roy
Typo. : that's one of my titles. Little (craetur) creature?
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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I love this episode, Alice has been successful so far in rousting up help from the list of perspectives on this list of possible helpers on Emory Settler's list, recruiting an army of counter supernaturally. The thing that sticks out like a sore thumb in this episode, is the fact that everything is based on decision, good or bad, we'll all have a choice, supernatural or otherwise, well done, Rhonda, great episode, blessings, Roy
Typo. : that's one of my titles. Little (craetur) creature?
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Roy!!
I removed the craetur remark. It is supposed to be spelled that way, but caused too much of a distraction, so I went back to Lassie. Thanks for bringing out the point.
Yes, this book is all about choices, and trying to help kids make good choices. Using magical type creatures is just there to get them to think about their own issues in an alternate realm where they don't feel threatened.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
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Well done Rhonda
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. This is a most interesting story. I have been following it for some time now. You have a very creative mind to come up with something like this. I am enjoying it very much. Good work.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Excellent. This is a most interesting story. I have been following it for some time now. You have a very creative mind to come up with something like this. I am enjoying it very much. Good work.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2016
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Thank you, my friend. You have been following it, and I appreciate the time and attention you give it. As you can tell, it's going to wrap up soon, so that's why I have another book working as well. I'm glad your a part of this adventure,
Rhonda
