The Country Squire Cafe
...a hard decision; the Right decision63 total reviews
Comment from Matthew Franklin
Really great prologue. I have had experience with people dealing with addiction amongst family members. It is a very difficult thing for me as a friend, I can't imagine what it must be like for family members. Cliffhanger ending is always good! As I began writing my novel I was strongly cautioned about using prologues. I would suggest simply making this part of a first chapter, it doesn't follow the form or function of a prologue. Just a suggestion and something to research more as you write. Again, great job.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Really great prologue. I have had experience with people dealing with addiction amongst family members. It is a very difficult thing for me as a friend, I can't imagine what it must be like for family members. Cliffhanger ending is always good! As I began writing my novel I was strongly cautioned about using prologues. I would suggest simply making this part of a first chapter, it doesn't follow the form or function of a prologue. Just a suggestion and something to research more as you write. Again, great job.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your comments, and I will certainly research the format for prologues, and adapt.
~patty~
Comment from winnona
A very well written beginning to your book. Your well-chosen words flowed and brought the story from words on paper to a living realistic story. The use of detail and vivid descriptions brought the piece to life in my mind as I read it.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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A very well written beginning to your book. Your well-chosen words flowed and brought the story from words on paper to a living realistic story. The use of detail and vivid descriptions brought the piece to life in my mind as I read it.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your comments - I'm glad the story was a good one to you.
~patty~
Comment from lancellot
This is a good beginning. I was wondering if there might have been more of a concrete 'trigger' to get him to begin the road to recovery. Perhaps we will find out more later on.
note:
Motioning to the waitress, "More coffee, please," he {asked}.
- suggest: ordered. He's not really asking.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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This is a good beginning. I was wondering if there might have been more of a concrete 'trigger' to get him to begin the road to recovery. Perhaps we will find out more later on.
note:
Motioning to the waitress, "More coffee, please," he {asked}.
- suggest: ordered. He's not really asking.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your comments about the 'trigger,' and I will add to the edit, or even the next chapter. I will also work on the other suggestions you offered.
~patty~
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Years ago, I was a bartender and I was in our local diner having my usual breakfast before going home! Two seats from sat a young lady picking at her food, when she look at me! She says, I don't know you and you don't know me, but could I asked you for some money to take bus home? I asked where home was, it, hef home was 30 miles east. I offered to drive her. She agreed and I took to to shelter for abused women. We walked to the entrance and a woman answered the bell. She knew right away this young woman and let us in. Sister Mary was one of the shelters administrator. Two other nuns took Gretchen away. Sister Mary asked me where I found her and I told her about the diner at 4:00am. She thanked me for bringing her back and for my caring about someone I did not know! I kept tabs on Gretchen until she was strong enough to make her way in life.
I hadn't thought about that incident until I read your excellent contest entry. I wish you good luck and thanks for the memory,,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Years ago, I was a bartender and I was in our local diner having my usual breakfast before going home! Two seats from sat a young lady picking at her food, when she look at me! She says, I don't know you and you don't know me, but could I asked you for some money to take bus home? I asked where home was, it, hef home was 30 miles east. I offered to drive her. She agreed and I took to to shelter for abused women. We walked to the entrance and a woman answered the bell. She knew right away this young woman and let us in. Sister Mary was one of the shelters administrator. Two other nuns took Gretchen away. Sister Mary asked me where I found her and I told her about the diner at 4:00am. She thanked me for bringing her back and for my caring about someone I did not know! I kept tabs on Gretchen until she was strong enough to make her way in life.
I hadn't thought about that incident until I read your excellent contest entry. I wish you good luck and thanks for the memory,,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 12-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your time to read and review. I love the story you related in your comments - and I'm glad my story brought that memory to mind. It sounds like you were one of the angels God sends to those in need.
Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment from barleygirl
Your very short story works well as a complete journey leading to a logical ending. You do a good job of showing us the diner setting, as well as the backstory of the narrator's relationship with Mom. The selected song is perfect for those old farts among us who know the lyrics. Many nice touches like that, all along. Here's the only thing that felt a little flat for me. Your descriptions of drug use were not very intensely told . . . it felt more like a cerebral explanation, rather than a gut-level excruciating description of how desperate this guy felt. To seek recovery, most addicts have to be intensely overcome by the bad aspects of their addiction (hitting rock bottom) . . . this didn't really come across vividly for me . . . which would've led more logically to the conclusion of your story & how hard it was to make that call. I love the overall story structure & how it leads to this ending, but I'm just saying the ending could've been stronger if we could really feel the utter revulsion of being addicted. Maybe more graphic descriptions like painful sores inside his mouth or coughing his lungs out from smoking crack, etc. Another thing I didn't buy into was the comment that he doesn't like needles. I think at this point, any drug addict wouldn't hesitate to use a needle to get the drugs into their system faster. They aren't fussy about this stuff. Like I said, it's a well-structured story, but it could use more vivid intensity in the drug-use parts.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Your very short story works well as a complete journey leading to a logical ending. You do a good job of showing us the diner setting, as well as the backstory of the narrator's relationship with Mom. The selected song is perfect for those old farts among us who know the lyrics. Many nice touches like that, all along. Here's the only thing that felt a little flat for me. Your descriptions of drug use were not very intensely told . . . it felt more like a cerebral explanation, rather than a gut-level excruciating description of how desperate this guy felt. To seek recovery, most addicts have to be intensely overcome by the bad aspects of their addiction (hitting rock bottom) . . . this didn't really come across vividly for me . . . which would've led more logically to the conclusion of your story & how hard it was to make that call. I love the overall story structure & how it leads to this ending, but I'm just saying the ending could've been stronger if we could really feel the utter revulsion of being addicted. Maybe more graphic descriptions like painful sores inside his mouth or coughing his lungs out from smoking crack, etc. Another thing I didn't buy into was the comment that he doesn't like needles. I think at this point, any drug addict wouldn't hesitate to use a needle to get the drugs into their system faster. They aren't fussy about this stuff. Like I said, it's a well-structured story, but it could use more vivid intensity in the drug-use parts.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for your time to read and review. I totally understand your comments about the weak description of the drug use.
I'm vague on the details because I've never used, much less been addicted. I will do a great deal more research before I continue the saga. I will also go back and edit to show more of the usage details.
Your kind words feel good: I wanted to make the story strong, and your frank feedback will make the story stronger.
~patty~
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Thank you for kindheartedly accepting my suggestions. I can't write about romantic love realistically becuz I've never experienced it on a significant level, so I know what you mean. It's a beautiful thing when a reviewer can offer ideas & the writer doesn't get defensive. That's why I really appreciate how you received my thoughts (((HUGS)))
Comment from LaRosa
"His mother, one of his best friends...(and they) were worlds apart." They are worlds apart geographically as well as in their basic value systems.
"He didn't want to believe it cost him his mother. She wouldn't give up; she couldn't give up on him. Mothers are forever, weren't they?"
(just a small note to remember which tense you are using here)
"Thinking about his mom wasn't going to get him anywhere."
(and in the end, it was exactly what did get him to reach out. Great.)
Did he have reason to believe his mom, his best friend DID give up on him? You seem to hint that it's possible here. It is a harsh reality to fear there may be a point of no return for her/them. It does happen. There is a conflict of lifestyle, of even a mom's sense of loss of her child.
What is his crises that makes him decide he not only wants, but thinks he might be able to quit? For a druggy it takes more than just wanting. It would help the story to describe the pain of his moment of withdrawal as he sits in the diner. (The reader would like to feel he is looking through the addict's eyes, outward, not just in toward him.)
We hope with him that it is possible. It's HOPE that creates the possibility of change.
I think this is a good story. It could, in my opinion, really shine with a little addition to make it feel deeply personal. It shines a light on probably the greatest real life tragedy of our era.
I look forward to reading more!
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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"His mother, one of his best friends...(and they) were worlds apart." They are worlds apart geographically as well as in their basic value systems.
"He didn't want to believe it cost him his mother. She wouldn't give up; she couldn't give up on him. Mothers are forever, weren't they?"
(just a small note to remember which tense you are using here)
"Thinking about his mom wasn't going to get him anywhere."
(and in the end, it was exactly what did get him to reach out. Great.)
Did he have reason to believe his mom, his best friend DID give up on him? You seem to hint that it's possible here. It is a harsh reality to fear there may be a point of no return for her/them. It does happen. There is a conflict of lifestyle, of even a mom's sense of loss of her child.
What is his crises that makes him decide he not only wants, but thinks he might be able to quit? For a druggy it takes more than just wanting. It would help the story to describe the pain of his moment of withdrawal as he sits in the diner. (The reader would like to feel he is looking through the addict's eyes, outward, not just in toward him.)
We hope with him that it is possible. It's HOPE that creates the possibility of change.
I think this is a good story. It could, in my opinion, really shine with a little addition to make it feel deeply personal. It shines a light on probably the greatest real life tragedy of our era.
I look forward to reading more!
Comment Written 12-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your time to read and review. I can see where the reader would need to 'see more' of the addiction as an explanation of why he is willing to seek help at this point. As I'm sure you can tell from the piece, I'm not nor ever have been a drug addict, so I need to do a great deal of research to make the details come out right.
Your suggestions will be taken into consideration when I re-edit.
~patty~
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Promise, I knew you weren't ever exposed to it, but only because - I never wanted to be and yet ended up with a son on meth.
I hope I didn't come across as defensive OR offensive.
I write to help me deal with the thing and always hope to find a way to help others in our shoes. It is GOOD to run across a writer who even recognizes how much our children want to quit, to be normal, to even keep trying when they don't really believe deep down that they can do it. You have a sense of this; most people don't care.
You are on the right track. One last hint: they always need someone else to help them get 'there'.
Keep it up, I'll be looking for more.
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Thank you for your kind words. Without a doubt, this will be a hard story to write, but a work and labor of love. I'm honored and glad you are willing to come along on the journey.
~patty~
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written this has the beginnings of a good book that can take the character on a really hard and emotional journey I enjoyed well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Yes this is well written this has the beginnings of a good book that can take the character on a really hard and emotional journey I enjoyed well done regards Jill
Comment Written 11-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your time to read and review. I appreciate your comments about the prologue to my book. I hope I can do the character and his story justice.
~patty~
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Interesting concept and storyline.
Most of these types of stories end up with the character in serious issues.
Nice change of pace.
Should make an interesting entry into this contest.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Interesting concept and storyline.
Most of these types of stories end up with the character in serious issues.
Nice change of pace.
Should make an interesting entry into this contest.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your time to read and review. This was the first contest I've entered in over five years on this site. I placed second, and I'm very excited. I decided to make it the prologue to a book, and I hope I can do the story and this character justice. Your encouraging words help my cause.
~patty~
Comment from sandragee
It won't be easy going through the process of getting clean. If he gets clean, will he stay clean? I like that the ending is left open to the reader's imagination as to whether he will succeed or not. The story stays with you long after you finish reading it because you don't know the character's true fate. So there is not one ending but many. Well done.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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It won't be easy going through the process of getting clean. If he gets clean, will he stay clean? I like that the ending is left open to the reader's imagination as to whether he will succeed or not. The story stays with you long after you finish reading it because you don't know the character's true fate. So there is not one ending but many. Well done.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you took the open ending exactly as I intended. Your kind comments make me want to write more.
~patty~
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A strong piece. A lot of people get into drugs because they hear there's a lot of money in it. It's true there is a lot of money in drugs. The problem is it's all flowing the wrong way.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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A strong piece. A lot of people get into drugs because they hear there's a lot of money in it. It's true there is a lot of money in drugs. The problem is it's all flowing the wrong way.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your time in reading and reviewing. Your comments mean a lot.
~patty~
