skittering leaves flee (haiku)
Run as fast as you can. Winter's coming.96 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello there,
You know what I thought the picture was? a seashore. Ice. Wow, that is a beautiful picture and a perfect choice for your well-written haiku.
The connection of the first two phrases give way to a clever and thought provoking satori that made me think of trick or treat, autumn, winter, holidays, seashore, water, leaves, etc...
I like word play too. Excellent entry for the contest. Good luck.
gypsy
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Hello there,
You know what I thought the picture was? a seashore. Ice. Wow, that is a beautiful picture and a perfect choice for your well-written haiku.
The connection of the first two phrases give way to a clever and thought provoking satori that made me think of trick or treat, autumn, winter, holidays, seashore, water, leaves, etc...
I like word play too. Excellent entry for the contest. Good luck.
gypsy
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Yes, thank you, Gypsy, for your generous, six star review of my haiku. I am glad that you found it "made me think of trick or treat, autumn, winter, holidays, seashore, water, leaves, etc... " Thank you also for wishing me success in the contest.
Comment from Heather Knight
In my opinion, it's really difficult to write a good haiku, but this one is great.
I like the elegant vocabulary: skittering, flee. I also like the wonderful images: winter stalks autumn.
The picture you've chosen is also gorgeous.
There's only one thing I don't understand: why have you written leaves plus doorway equals haiku?
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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In my opinion, it's really difficult to write a good haiku, but this one is great.
I like the elegant vocabulary: skittering, flee. I also like the wonderful images: winter stalks autumn.
The picture you've chosen is also gorgeous.
There's only one thing I don't understand: why have you written leaves plus doorway equals haiku?
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Maria, for your generous, six star review of my haiku which chose "elegant vocabulary." I have deleted the "leaves plus doorway equals haiku" so as not to distract from my haiku and decrease my chance at winning. Thanks again.
Comment from tfawcus
This leaves your reader with a strong visual image and is a striking way of describing the cusp of the seasons, equally applicable in nature and in mankind. I'm no expert of haiku, but this seems to cut to the chase.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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This leaves your reader with a strong visual image and is a striking way of describing the cusp of the seasons, equally applicable in nature and in mankind. I'm no expert of haiku, but this seems to cut to the chase.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Yes, tfawcus, my haiku "cut to the chase." I am glad you found my poem to be accessible even though you are not an expert. Thank you for your review.
Comment from rama devi
Good concrete imagery of leave and door. Great personification in all three lines. Superb satori line! Love it! traditional, formal haiku does not permit personification but FS contests allow it and it's the one rule I break often, myself. Superb assonance of EE and EA, of A in scratch at and stalks, plus consonance and alliteration of of S and consonance of T in all three lines.
The only critique is word economy in the middle line with at, and, & for. Would be ideal to revise with fewer filler words. AT would easily be replaced with a descriptive word.
Example:
skittering leaves flee
and scratch wood door for entrance
Perfect presentation!
Love it.
Hope it wins.
Love,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Good concrete imagery of leave and door. Great personification in all three lines. Superb satori line! Love it! traditional, formal haiku does not permit personification but FS contests allow it and it's the one rule I break often, myself. Superb assonance of EE and EA, of A in scratch at and stalks, plus consonance and alliteration of of S and consonance of T in all three lines.
The only critique is word economy in the middle line with at, and, & for. Would be ideal to revise with fewer filler words. AT would easily be replaced with a descriptive word.
Example:
skittering leaves flee
and scratch wood door for entrance
Perfect presentation!
Love it.
Hope it wins.
Love,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Rama, for your review and your suggestions. I tightened line two by replacing two filler words with concrete words:
"scratching closed door for entrance."
This improved my haiku.
Once again, thanks.
Comment from Thal1959
I normally don't prefer Haiku for its brevity, although I understand its approach. Here, the "Kiru" regards the leaves, and the juxtaposition is their attempt to gain entrance, as a visitor might to escape a cold autumn day. (The leaves are skittering and scratching - which implies an uncomfortable autumn wind.) The third line represents the "Kireji" in a more unusual and unique way; it explains "why" the leaves are seeking entrance - because the winter is stalking autumn, and is soon to come, which places the time at the end of autumn. Very well thought out.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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I normally don't prefer Haiku for its brevity, although I understand its approach. Here, the "Kiru" regards the leaves, and the juxtaposition is their attempt to gain entrance, as a visitor might to escape a cold autumn day. (The leaves are skittering and scratching - which implies an uncomfortable autumn wind.) The third line represents the "Kireji" in a more unusual and unique way; it explains "why" the leaves are seeking entrance - because the winter is stalking autumn, and is soon to come, which places the time at the end of autumn. Very well thought out.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Thal1959, for giving my haiku its first six star review and also for detailing my use of "Kiru" and "Kireji" in a more unusual and unique way. I deeply appreciate your review.
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My pleasure.
Comment from RoostyNester
I loved your cute and simple poem. How right you are, as the leaves all try to enter into any doorway they can. And then the weather changes...winter makes her entrance. Well done in the Haiku style and verse.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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I loved your cute and simple poem. How right you are, as the leaves all try to enter into any doorway they can. And then the weather changes...winter makes her entrance. Well done in the Haiku style and verse.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Yes, RoostyNester, there is something about leaves in a doorway that saddens and inspires me. Thank you for giving my haiku its first review.
