skittering leaves flee (haiku)
Run as fast as you can. Winter's coming.96 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Sis Cat,
I'm not an expert at haiku (never dared to write one myself!), but I can see that this is cleverly written.
Love the final line. The whole tiny piece appealed to me.
Lovely!
Sonali
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016
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Hello Sis Cat,
I'm not an expert at haiku (never dared to write one myself!), but I can see that this is cleverly written.
Love the final line. The whole tiny piece appealed to me.
Lovely!
Sonali
Comment Written 17-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Sonali, I am glad that this whole piece appealed to you. Thank you for your review.
Comment from jlsavell
Dearest Sis Cat,
I apologize. I thought I reviewed. My energy and focus level are off skelter nowadays trying to heal after surgery.
Your haiku is stunning, absoletely brilliant lines. Exceptional imagery in such a short burst. Last line... Perfection!!!!!
Jimi
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2016
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Dearest Sis Cat,
I apologize. I thought I reviewed. My energy and focus level are off skelter nowadays trying to heal after surgery.
Your haiku is stunning, absoletely brilliant lines. Exceptional imagery in such a short burst. Last line... Perfection!!!!!
Jimi
Comment Written 13-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Jimi, for your review. I am glad you found my "haiku is stunning, absolutely brilliant lines." I wish you a speedy recovery.
Comment from jusylee72
winter stalks autumn. I picture your thoughts as a gentle push from autumn that leaves winter alone in the cold. Your words are extremely sensitive and easy to understand. Great job on this hard format.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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winter stalks autumn. I picture your thoughts as a gentle push from autumn that leaves winter alone in the cold. Your words are extremely sensitive and easy to understand. Great job on this hard format.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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Thank you, jusylee72, for your review and compliments on a "great job for this hard format." I am glad you found my "words are extremely sensitive and easy to understand."
Comment from cflorian8
Autumn and Winter both complement each other. Autumn is the season of celebration. This season is Mother nature's biggest reveal as she displays her most colorful gown for all to see. All earth's creatures praise her for the diligence she showed during the growing season. After the celebration follows Winter. Her season of rest and relaxation that was earned after laboring three seasons of community service. This is what I received from your poetry. Please feel free to explain your inspiration.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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Autumn and Winter both complement each other. Autumn is the season of celebration. This season is Mother nature's biggest reveal as she displays her most colorful gown for all to see. All earth's creatures praise her for the diligence she showed during the growing season. After the celebration follows Winter. Her season of rest and relaxation that was earned after laboring three seasons of community service. This is what I received from your poetry. Please feel free to explain your inspiration.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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Thank you, cflorian8, for your review of my seasonal haiku.
I often compose haiku during my walks either alone or with my dog. (Observe the senryu in my portfolio "nose sniffing autumn.") In September, I began to notice the sound of autumn leaves on the sidewalk. I imagined the leaves were chasing me. I composed this haiku on my laptop in September:
scratching behind me
startle me to turn
skittering leaves
Unsatisfied with the results, I wrote another version:
skittering leaves
pursue me on the sidewalk
summer's ghosts haunt fall
I left these haiku unposted on my laptop, hoping to submit them to a contest someday.
By the time the FanStory haiku contest rolled around, fall was almost over and winter was coming. Rather than recycle an old haiku, I composed a new one, using parts of the previous ones: the idea of skittering and scratching leaves and a pursuit akin to being chased by ghosts. This is how I came up to my present haiku:
skittering leaves flee
scratching closed door for entrance
winter stalks autumn
I paint a picture from a horror movie. Skittering leaves flee for their lives and scratch at a door for entrance while winter stalks them. I am quite pleased with the result because it expresses the ideas I felt two months ago.
Thank you for your review.
Comment from frogbook
Excellent imagery in this short gem. I especially loved the second line which was clever and maybe a slight bit creepy in some ways-haha. This is the winner so far in my eyes.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Excellent imagery in this short gem. I especially loved the second line which was clever and maybe a slight bit creepy in some ways-haha. This is the winner so far in my eyes.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Oh, thank you, frogbook, for your review, especially loving that creepy second line. Another reviewer did not like it, but I am glad you understood it. Thank you for your review and wishing me success in the contest.
Comment from randman58
Well written. Reminds me of every time I walk into my house this time of year I drag a trail of leaves with me. Last line quite eloquent. Very well done, best to you.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Well written. Reminds me of every time I walk into my house this time of year I drag a trail of leaves with me. Last line quite eloquent. Very well done, best to you.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Yes, randman58, I thought about Haiku during my walks this fall as leaves skittered behind me, as if following me home. Thank you for your review and for wishing me the best.
Comment from royowen
An excellent entry in this haiku contest Cat, the satori was a fabulous one
"Winter stalks Autumn" on which the poem hangs, I consider this a very good entry indeed, well done, good luck, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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An excellent entry in this haiku contest Cat, the satori was a fabulous one
"Winter stalks Autumn" on which the poem hangs, I consider this a very good entry indeed, well done, good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Oh, thank you, Roy, for your review. People love that "fabulous" satori line. Thank you also for wishing me success in the contest.
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Well done
Comment from robyn corum
skittering leaves flee
scratching closed door for entrance
winter stalks autumn
Andre,
I'm torn on this poem. I ADORE the imagery you're creating here. FABULOUS job. *smile* But i think your poem MIGHT be better served if the first two lines connected...? What about:
skittering leaves (try/start/etc)
scratching closed door for entrance
winter stalks autumn
or something along those lines? Just something to consider, mate. Hugs- And much good luck!!
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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skittering leaves flee
scratching closed door for entrance
winter stalks autumn
Andre,
I'm torn on this poem. I ADORE the imagery you're creating here. FABULOUS job. *smile* But i think your poem MIGHT be better served if the first two lines connected...? What about:
skittering leaves (try/start/etc)
scratching closed door for entrance
winter stalks autumn
or something along those lines? Just something to consider, mate. Hugs- And much good luck!!
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Robyn, for your review, and suggestions. I understand your sense that it MIGHT be better served if the first two lines connected. I was torn, too. The original second line was "and scratch at door for entrance," but when Rama Devi pointed out that I had wasted three of my seventeen syllables on colorless "filler" words like "and", "at", and "for," I came up with "scratching at closed door for entrance," replacing the bland words with action and a vivid closed door. The word "flee" is key, too, for my concept of leaves fleeing winter which stalks them. I was going to return to adding "and" at the beginning of the second line, but by then the reviews flowed in from people who like the line the way it is.
Thank you for your review and discussion. I learn so much from hearing your techniques and sharing mine.
Comment from Kate Tompkins
I thought this was a perfect pairing of words and picture. I can hear the sound of the leaves as I read it, and the feel of desperation as winter creeps up on them. Though possibly I'm reading that last part into it as I'm not a fan of winter.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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I thought this was a perfect pairing of words and picture. I can hear the sound of the leaves as I read it, and the feel of desperation as winter creeps up on them. Though possibly I'm reading that last part into it as I'm not a fan of winter.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Yes, Kate, winter is creeping up on those leaves and us all. Thank you for your generous, six star review of my "perfect pairing of words and picture."
Comment from joeruptak
I can't say that I can really judge if this is correct or not I know very little about this type of poetry
I do know I liked it and thought it was very well written and the message was there
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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I can't say that I can really judge if this is correct or not I know very little about this type of poetry
I do know I liked it and thought it was very well written and the message was there
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Thank you, joeruptak, I am always cheered when reviewers like a type of poetry even if you are unable to judge if this is correct. I am glad that you felt the message there.
