Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 2 - Airborne Ferrari"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
36 total reviews
Comment from MartinDHall
The idea is good and it was developing well.
Personally, I found Archie's name to be overused. After all, he was the only one there - if we discount the chipmunk. It didn't spoil the passage but, for me, it would have flowed more smoothly.
Well done.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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The idea is good and it was developing well.
Personally, I found Archie's name to be overused. After all, he was the only one there - if we discount the chipmunk. It didn't spoil the passage but, for me, it would have flowed more smoothly.
Well done.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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I thought the overuse of the name was annoying as well, but I was reminded by several readers that you can only use he, his, him, etc. three times before having to go back to the name. Thanks for your comments on it!!
Rhonda
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Hi Rhonda,
I didn't think it annoying, i liked it.
Cheers,
Martin
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Thank you so much! I like helpful critiques as it makes writing new chapters that much easier!
Comment from Lu Saluna
I gave the first chapter a quick read before I read this one, I don't like missing out on anything. What a good story, detail, I could envision every detail as it was described through the chapter. Position in the car, cut forehead, stiffness of Archie's body, the disorientation, all of it.
Really well written. I am really looking forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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I gave the first chapter a quick read before I read this one, I don't like missing out on anything. What a good story, detail, I could envision every detail as it was described through the chapter. Position in the car, cut forehead, stiffness of Archie's body, the disorientation, all of it.
Really well written. I am really looking forward to reading more.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much, Lu!! I appreciate the positive feedback, and great comments.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
This is a very difficult scene to negotiate. For the most part, you've done it very well. The sense of loss, the frustration and tiredness connected to his efforts to escape, and the elements that surrounded him. All very good.
Only one part spoilt it for me and it would be an easy fix: Finally, waves of exhaustion overcame Archie and he closed his eyes -- appealing brown eyes that had gained him the trust of countless voters. Here you move from a dangerously physical scene to the highlighting of his eyes. It felt out of place and disconnected. I would simply finish the paragraph at 'closed his eyes. Then write a short one where the eyes are featured. Half of what you've used. Start something like: Irony. These were the same eyes ... etc.
The second half of this is great. Loved the way you described the action, especially the visit from the chipmunk. There's a real character being given shape throughout this experience, and his circumstances highlight what has to be considered given the danger.
I hope you didn't mind that long comment, but I felt I would being doing a disservice if I didn't mention it. Looks likes a good novel. Really different.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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This is a very difficult scene to negotiate. For the most part, you've done it very well. The sense of loss, the frustration and tiredness connected to his efforts to escape, and the elements that surrounded him. All very good.
Only one part spoilt it for me and it would be an easy fix: Finally, waves of exhaustion overcame Archie and he closed his eyes -- appealing brown eyes that had gained him the trust of countless voters. Here you move from a dangerously physical scene to the highlighting of his eyes. It felt out of place and disconnected. I would simply finish the paragraph at 'closed his eyes. Then write a short one where the eyes are featured. Half of what you've used. Start something like: Irony. These were the same eyes ... etc.
The second half of this is great. Loved the way you described the action, especially the visit from the chipmunk. There's a real character being given shape throughout this experience, and his circumstances highlight what has to be considered given the danger.
I hope you didn't mind that long comment, but I felt I would being doing a disservice if I didn't mention it. Looks likes a good novel. Really different.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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I'm very glad you mentioned what didn't work. Those are the things that need fixing it make it better. I can see where I overdid it, trying to slip in a bit about his character. I can fix that.
I've also got to fix a few facts about the car, as there are those out there with a greater knowledge of Ferraris than me. Not saying much, but I'll fix that, too!
Thanks for adding your part. I always look forward to your reviews!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Really well done. Glad to read another chapter and be closer to finding out why mysterious things lay in this desert where he finds himself marooned. I grew up on the desert in Calif so know what they are like. Never good to be lost in one.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Really well done. Glad to read another chapter and be closer to finding out why mysterious things lay in this desert where he finds himself marooned. I grew up on the desert in Calif so know what they are like. Never good to be lost in one.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Oh, great. I may have to pull on your expertise on this. I actually had a survival specialist help me with the research.
Thanks for the review,
Rhonda
Comment from Alex Biasin
I thought this was really good.
You set the scene well and the predicament and the way he reacted to it was very believable and realistic.
It has set the story up well for the future chapters.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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I thought this was really good.
You set the scene well and the predicament and the way he reacted to it was very believable and realistic.
It has set the story up well for the future chapters.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much, Alex, and I know you would be honest with me if something didn't work. I appreciate your time and effort,
Rhonda
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, great continuation to the story. He got himself loose and now heading towards God knows what!
'Archie reached a hand up and felt his oozing scalp wound' = 'Archie reached up his hand and felt ...
He thought about the injury for just a moment. I would suggest to loose 'just'
Great write and looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Hi Rhonda, great continuation to the story. He got himself loose and now heading towards God knows what!
'Archie reached a hand up and felt his oozing scalp wound' = 'Archie reached up his hand and felt ...
He thought about the injury for just a moment. I would suggest to loose 'just'
Great write and looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Ulla, great suggestions on both. It's great how the removal or addition of one word can make so much difference!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from A.A.A.EXHILARATING RIDE
Hi Rhonda, the initial scene reminds me of the day, our eldest son's fourteenth birthday; our family of four nearly lost nine lives! We had just crossed the Tanami desert in Western Australia, camped outside the small town of Hall's creek, and set off towards the next town off Fitzroy Crossing, 150 kilometers towards the north west coast of Australia, just about as far from Melbourne as one can get on land! And, weeks later, we headed back in our patched up, still rather concertinaed home on wheels!
I guess, all that seeming past life, stood strong, against the vivid, very different lifetime and story images so well captured in your paragraph:
`Finally, waves of exhaustion overcame Archie and he closed his eyes -- appealing brown eyes that had gained him the trust of countless voters. They were also strong eyes full of fire and purpose that charged ahead of him into legal battles and won victories time after time. They were expressive eyes, ones betraying deep emotions to those who needed to know he cared... and now they were tired eyes Archie could keep open no longer.'
Luckily, we had not careered off a major highway, but an extension of the round Australia desert track becoming a major highway and so by some bush telegraph road workers were alighted to our plight; and the beginning many stories suddenly bringing fire to my eyes, and possible purpose charging forth anew.
A very special thanks for all that, Rhonda; and the hopes rising from the expressive eyes betraying deep emotions of this leading character of your Humanity Project. Another six for me, my first this late in a week I surrender totally my FanStory hopes and plans of yesteryear! Quite happy, God seems to have a different vision for this humanity project! Maureen*&*
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Hi Rhonda, the initial scene reminds me of the day, our eldest son's fourteenth birthday; our family of four nearly lost nine lives! We had just crossed the Tanami desert in Western Australia, camped outside the small town of Hall's creek, and set off towards the next town off Fitzroy Crossing, 150 kilometers towards the north west coast of Australia, just about as far from Melbourne as one can get on land! And, weeks later, we headed back in our patched up, still rather concertinaed home on wheels!
I guess, all that seeming past life, stood strong, against the vivid, very different lifetime and story images so well captured in your paragraph:
`Finally, waves of exhaustion overcame Archie and he closed his eyes -- appealing brown eyes that had gained him the trust of countless voters. They were also strong eyes full of fire and purpose that charged ahead of him into legal battles and won victories time after time. They were expressive eyes, ones betraying deep emotions to those who needed to know he cared... and now they were tired eyes Archie could keep open no longer.'
Luckily, we had not careered off a major highway, but an extension of the round Australia desert track becoming a major highway and so by some bush telegraph road workers were alighted to our plight; and the beginning many stories suddenly bringing fire to my eyes, and possible purpose charging forth anew.
A very special thanks for all that, Rhonda; and the hopes rising from the expressive eyes betraying deep emotions of this leading character of your Humanity Project. Another six for me, my first this late in a week I surrender totally my FanStory hopes and plans of yesteryear! Quite happy, God seems to have a different vision for this humanity project! Maureen*&*
Comment Written 09-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the beautiful story you shared. I'm glad mine was able to invoke a memory from your past. You are a sweet lady, and your reviews and stories mean a lot to me.
I hope this doesn't mean you are quitting the site. I would miss you so much!
Take care,
Rhonda
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Bless you Rhonda, its quite good for me to surrender to a new flow of possibilities; so happy just to be nourished and find balance in reviewing. Maureen*&*
Comment from Heidi M
I think you have done a wonderful job on this chapter.
Great descriptive writing like this: Time flowed like the slow trickling of sand...made your chapter flow smoothly.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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I think you have done a wonderful job on this chapter.
Great descriptive writing like this: Time flowed like the slow trickling of sand...made your chapter flow smoothly.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Heidi! You are so sweet to bless me with six stars! I'm glad the descriptive language worked. That's important feedback!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from CEO2020
Archie is having a bad day but handles it because he doesn't panic and he uses wit. That makes him an interesting character.
"He lay on the ground and stretched..." I think that should read, "he laid on the ground..."
I found your opening sentence to be very strong.
"The car lunged and bucked like a living animal. If it were not for his seat belt and the irrefutable law of inertia, Archie might have been torn to pieces."
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Archie is having a bad day but handles it because he doesn't panic and he uses wit. That makes him an interesting character.
"He lay on the ground and stretched..." I think that should read, "he laid on the ground..."
I found your opening sentence to be very strong.
"The car lunged and bucked like a living animal. If it were not for his seat belt and the irrefutable law of inertia, Archie might have been torn to pieces."
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for your comments and support. You're right on the lay and laid. I had laid first, and kept looking at it thinking it didn't sound right, but I think you're right.
Thanks so much for reading my work as well.
Rhonda
Comment from lyenochka
Another dramatic chapter! I really enjoy reading your poetic descriptions! I also like what I'm learning about Archie and the sense of humor he has even in this horrible predicament. I'm not sure any windshield cracks like they used to; I thought it just crackled and didn't break off into pieces as a safety feature. So that's the only question I had. Otherwise, looking forward to the next chapter!
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Another dramatic chapter! I really enjoy reading your poetic descriptions! I also like what I'm learning about Archie and the sense of humor he has even in this horrible predicament. I'm not sure any windshield cracks like they used to; I thought it just crackled and didn't break off into pieces as a safety feature. So that's the only question I had. Otherwise, looking forward to the next chapter!
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Thank you for bringing that up. I'll look at it again. I had another solution and someone told me my idea wasn't believable. I'll try again.
Thank you for your support and suggestion!!
Rhonda
