Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 2 - Airborne Ferrari"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
36 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
Well, howdy Padna.
I'm back to do another read and keen to do so. I might have to get myself one of them new fangled cell phones so I can read on the go lol.
"A moment later, one of the tires hit a low spot in the terrain and tossed the red car onto its top. It rocked back and forth a few times, then settled at an angle." (Ah, you got me their!)
"Archie groaned as he looked at the mangled roof of the car. Yeah, this isn't good! Breathe in... breathe out... keep calm." (Scream, yell, say... "Flippin Heck!" or words to that effect.)
"Archie called out for help, knowing as he did that his efforts would be in vain. Silence followed his cries," (Yep, I know that story.)
"A chipmunk stuck his head in the open window." (He just asked for a break and straight away got one...Yum! Breakfast.)
"Go get help, would you?" (Hahahaha! You are a nut Hahahaha!)
"Think, think... what do I need to do? Okay, first cut this seat belt... but what can I use?" (On my first car ride in the Philippines, in a taxi, I asked Delia why they aren't wearing their seat belts... her response...
" Why would you wearing the seat belts?
In case of an accident, bub.
What good is the seat belts in accident?
Fair enough, bub."
So I took mine off to fit in with the crowd lol.)
"Archie worked his hand into a pocket, and found nothing inside but coins and a fingernail clipper." (Typical bloody city boy! Crikey, when I lived in the desert I carried a spear! Useless thing it was and a sharp stone in my loin-cloth, lol)
"Archie touched the oozing scalp wound, then tore a strip off and used it as a bandage." (Sounds like he tore a strip off his oozing scalp wound lol. Maybe put "off his shirt".)
Very well written once again, Ma'am. I'm enjoying this.
Quality stuff.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Well, howdy Padna.
I'm back to do another read and keen to do so. I might have to get myself one of them new fangled cell phones so I can read on the go lol.
"A moment later, one of the tires hit a low spot in the terrain and tossed the red car onto its top. It rocked back and forth a few times, then settled at an angle." (Ah, you got me their!)
"Archie groaned as he looked at the mangled roof of the car. Yeah, this isn't good! Breathe in... breathe out... keep calm." (Scream, yell, say... "Flippin Heck!" or words to that effect.)
"Archie called out for help, knowing as he did that his efforts would be in vain. Silence followed his cries," (Yep, I know that story.)
"A chipmunk stuck his head in the open window." (He just asked for a break and straight away got one...Yum! Breakfast.)
"Go get help, would you?" (Hahahaha! You are a nut Hahahaha!)
"Think, think... what do I need to do? Okay, first cut this seat belt... but what can I use?" (On my first car ride in the Philippines, in a taxi, I asked Delia why they aren't wearing their seat belts... her response...
" Why would you wearing the seat belts?
In case of an accident, bub.
What good is the seat belts in accident?
Fair enough, bub."
So I took mine off to fit in with the crowd lol.)
"Archie worked his hand into a pocket, and found nothing inside but coins and a fingernail clipper." (Typical bloody city boy! Crikey, when I lived in the desert I carried a spear! Useless thing it was and a sharp stone in my loin-cloth, lol)
"Archie touched the oozing scalp wound, then tore a strip off and used it as a bandage." (Sounds like he tore a strip off his oozing scalp wound lol. Maybe put "off his shirt".)
Very well written once again, Ma'am. I'm enjoying this.
Quality stuff.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 06-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Thank you for the six, my friend!
As usual, you have a way of giving me a laugh as I go. I hoped you would enjoy this book. The chapter I just finished, the escapee's (spoiler alert) are eating roasted insects. I don't need to tell you the response I've gotten on that one!! I think there are some disbelievers out there that it happens!
I'll change the part about tearing off a strip. That's funny, but you're right on it like it was his scalp. The original version had the shirt being torn up, but then I had some people doubt he would have survived without his shirt... so many doubters, Padna!
I so hope you'll be back to posting soon! There is no one on this site quite like you! Infact, I'm not sure there is anywhere! haha.
Thanks so much,
Tell Delia and company Howdy for me,
Comment from JTStone
Again you have a strong compelling story, Rhonda
You gave a glimpse a little deeper into the character's soul and mental make-up. I like the way you gave your character the strength to escape, but just enough. The sense of loss of control and desperation are pivotal in the way you leave this segment. Archie only has enough strength to make a choice--do I take the rock, or the hard place?
Excellent job, Rhonda
Jimmy
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2016
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Again you have a strong compelling story, Rhonda
You gave a glimpse a little deeper into the character's soul and mental make-up. I like the way you gave your character the strength to escape, but just enough. The sense of loss of control and desperation are pivotal in the way you leave this segment. Archie only has enough strength to make a choice--do I take the rock, or the hard place?
Excellent job, Rhonda
Jimmy
Comment Written 22-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Jimmy! I'm glad you noticed the finer point in this story how he is confined to the room by more than the locked door. Sometimes people miss the subtleties of books!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from djsaxon
Very strong write. Great narrative and Archie's reflections on his predicament ring true without being over dramatic. Good page turner. I am prompted to back track to the first chapter. NOTE:
The small creature chattered back and then scampered away, no longer interested in the stranger (to his environment.) Lose the stuff in brackets - awkward construct. Cheers - DJ
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Very strong write. Great narrative and Archie's reflections on his predicament ring true without being over dramatic. Good page turner. I am prompted to back track to the first chapter. NOTE:
The small creature chattered back and then scampered away, no longer interested in the stranger (to his environment.) Lose the stuff in brackets - awkward construct. Cheers - DJ
Comment Written 12-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Okay, good idea for the rewrite!
Thank you for your wonderful review,
Rhonda
Comment from LaRosa
This chapter captures the readers curiosity about what will happen next.
A creative use of vocabulary draws a hopeless picture of desperation for the reader.
The gritty feel of sand helped "his contused brain to stay alert", and "...the
air around him was eating his words and swallowing them into the bowls of
the empty wasteland."
Then in the middle of it all we discover a man, gaining consciousness with A SENSE OF HUMOR. Amazing what a head trauma will do???
In conclusion the Senator must decide which way to go. What is the likely direction to find help.
Can't wait to see if the Adobe home holds the right answer!
Salvation...which way...
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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This chapter captures the readers curiosity about what will happen next.
A creative use of vocabulary draws a hopeless picture of desperation for the reader.
The gritty feel of sand helped "his contused brain to stay alert", and "...the
air around him was eating his words and swallowing them into the bowls of
the empty wasteland."
Then in the middle of it all we discover a man, gaining consciousness with A SENSE OF HUMOR. Amazing what a head trauma will do???
In conclusion the Senator must decide which way to go. What is the likely direction to find help.
Can't wait to see if the Adobe home holds the right answer!
Salvation...which way...
Comment Written 12-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for the wonderful and detailed review.
I appreciate how you took time to look at each part thoroughly! Such is completely helpful in further chapters.
Take care,
Rhonda
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:) :)
Comment from barbara.wilkey
It's going to be interesting to see where you take this story from you. I am here for the long haul. LOL You are doing a great job.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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It's going to be interesting to see where you take this story from you. I am here for the long haul. LOL You are doing a great job.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Barbara!! I appreciate the fact that you intend to stay with the story. Your insight is invaluable!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-I love the cover for your new book, Rhonda.
-You are writing an excellent story.
-The description after the accident is excellent and detailed,
and even has Archie thinking back to driver's ed class!
-I like the inclusion of his thoughts, as well, as in the beginning and
how he is trying to calm himself: "Breathe in... breathe out... keep calm."
-Excellent image: "the air around him was eating his words and swallowing them into the bowels of the empty wasteland."
-I like the inclusion of the chipmunk for a little bit of levity; you almost think he might go get help, but of course, he just scampers away, as chipmunks do!
-The rest of the story describes how he uses what is around him to get out of the car and how he tries to cope after that.
-I like the conclusion--he doesn't know how he is going to get out of this place, but sees an adobe house; the question is "Which way should he go?"
-Excellent chapter, Rhonda.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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-I love the cover for your new book, Rhonda.
-You are writing an excellent story.
-The description after the accident is excellent and detailed,
and even has Archie thinking back to driver's ed class!
-I like the inclusion of his thoughts, as well, as in the beginning and
how he is trying to calm himself: "Breathe in... breathe out... keep calm."
-Excellent image: "the air around him was eating his words and swallowing them into the bowels of the empty wasteland."
-I like the inclusion of the chipmunk for a little bit of levity; you almost think he might go get help, but of course, he just scampers away, as chipmunks do!
-The rest of the story describes how he uses what is around him to get out of the car and how he tries to cope after that.
-I like the conclusion--he doesn't know how he is going to get out of this place, but sees an adobe house; the question is "Which way should he go?"
-Excellent chapter, Rhonda.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Pam!!
I appreciate the time and attention you give each and every chapter.
Another reviewer suggested after last chapter that I give dialogue even though he's alone to break up all the "telling". I had fun with it once started.
I've always got to have an animal somewhere!!
Thanks for the wonderful six stars! They are warming to the soul!
Have a great weekend,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome for the review and stars, Rhonda. The dialogue was good, as well as the chipmunk's appearance:) Congrats, too, on being chosen Nov. writer of the month!!
Comment from rspoet
That's quite a book cover you have there
and this chapter is a fine continuation of the story.
The story moves along beautifully and keeps the reader engaged.
A couple of small suggestions:
For realism, I would change "in a matter of seconds, it sliced through"
to something like "It took several minutes of hard work before the strap yielded. His hand ached from holding the glass shard."
There is a small problem of using the name Archie or he so often towards the end. It is difficult to overcome in a chapter with only one character.
Perhaps lines like "The way Archie saw it, he had two choices;" could be reworked to
"There were only tow choices...
Excellent overall story that makes one want to read the next chapter,
as I do!
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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That's quite a book cover you have there
and this chapter is a fine continuation of the story.
The story moves along beautifully and keeps the reader engaged.
A couple of small suggestions:
For realism, I would change "in a matter of seconds, it sliced through"
to something like "It took several minutes of hard work before the strap yielded. His hand ached from holding the glass shard."
There is a small problem of using the name Archie or he so often towards the end. It is difficult to overcome in a chapter with only one character.
Perhaps lines like "The way Archie saw it, he had two choices;" could be reworked to
"There were only tow choices...
Excellent overall story that makes one want to read the next chapter,
as I do!
Comment Written 11-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the six star rating and review!!
I'm glad for the suggestion on using his name so much, which won't soon be an issue, but it is now, and needs fixing. Thank you for giving your input into it!!
I had thought about the glass in hand part as well, and was going to change it sooner, but have been at a science teacher's convention for four days and I've had very little time to write, review or rewrite!! Good call on it!
Again, much thanks,
Rhonda
Comment from Ryn
God job. Well written. I tend to avoid some short stories if the topic does not appeal to me. Yours kept my interest. It felt believable.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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God job. Well written. I tend to avoid some short stories if the topic does not appeal to me. Yours kept my interest. It felt believable.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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Wow, thank you so much! I appreciate the time you took to review, and for the kind comments,
Rhonda
Comment from mbroyles2
I like it.
Obvious conflict, and the story moves along well.
"Time flowed like the slow trickling of sand through a car-sized hourglass,"
Great!
Now that he is free from the wreckage you have us waiting to see what's next.
Great job!
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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I like it.
Obvious conflict, and the story moves along well.
"Time flowed like the slow trickling of sand through a car-sized hourglass,"
Great!
Now that he is free from the wreckage you have us waiting to see what's next.
Great job!
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for the review and comments!!
Yes, he's about to step into a hornet's nest, poor guy!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from dweigt
Very good section! You have certainly put your protagonist in a predicament, which I assume is only getting worse. Just a few minor suggestions:
Archie was only vaguely aware of its passage. He existed in a zone somewhere between awake and asleep. He was vaguely aware of being trapped under a heap of metal -- "vaguely aware" repeats too closely together here. This is just one of my pet peeves, and something that catches my eyes and stops me from reading momentarily. Try to eliminate anything that might distract your reader from your story, and (for me at least) repeating words and phrases do that.
In a matter of seconds, it sliced through, allowing for greater mobility.--More realistic if this took a couple minutes of struggle, and maybe minor cuts to his hand in the process. Seatbelts are pretty tough, and broken glass wrapped in a shirt would make a clumsy knife.
Archie forced his aching legs to push off the ground and help him stand-- help him stand? Since it is impossible to stand without legs, help doesn't seem quite the right word here.
either follow the tracks back to wherever they originated, or head to, what appeared to be, a crumbling adobe building in the opposite direction.-- This choice seems unlikely. Obviously you need him to go to the building to advance the story, but I think most people would naturally go back to the road. To make this believable, we need a reason why that is impossible, difficult, or unproductive. Maybe it is up a steep embankment, too steep for Archie with his injuries. Maybe he goes to the road and waits for help but there is no traffic in an hour. Or maybe the building is really close.
Aside from these minor points, it is a good story. What happens next?
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Very good section! You have certainly put your protagonist in a predicament, which I assume is only getting worse. Just a few minor suggestions:
Archie was only vaguely aware of its passage. He existed in a zone somewhere between awake and asleep. He was vaguely aware of being trapped under a heap of metal -- "vaguely aware" repeats too closely together here. This is just one of my pet peeves, and something that catches my eyes and stops me from reading momentarily. Try to eliminate anything that might distract your reader from your story, and (for me at least) repeating words and phrases do that.
In a matter of seconds, it sliced through, allowing for greater mobility.--More realistic if this took a couple minutes of struggle, and maybe minor cuts to his hand in the process. Seatbelts are pretty tough, and broken glass wrapped in a shirt would make a clumsy knife.
Archie forced his aching legs to push off the ground and help him stand-- help him stand? Since it is impossible to stand without legs, help doesn't seem quite the right word here.
either follow the tracks back to wherever they originated, or head to, what appeared to be, a crumbling adobe building in the opposite direction.-- This choice seems unlikely. Obviously you need him to go to the building to advance the story, but I think most people would naturally go back to the road. To make this believable, we need a reason why that is impossible, difficult, or unproductive. Maybe it is up a steep embankment, too steep for Archie with his injuries. Maybe he goes to the road and waits for help but there is no traffic in an hour. Or maybe the building is really close.
Aside from these minor points, it is a good story. What happens next?
Keep writing!
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Okay, dweigt, I've made quite a few changes, and thanks for pointing out the errors. I feel it reads much smoother now.
I like the way you mixed positive and critical remarks to help me feel you enjoyed the story, but were willing to offer suggestions for improvement!
Thanks again,
Rhonda
