Talking Rock
1967 bus ride 874 words15 total reviews
Comment from royowen
It probably needs a better lead in Red, a bit more background would have established it. After being on a rampant bus, our hero is met by his pa, and goes on a crawling pace to his him, moving him to telling his to move over, he'll drive despite, being a little "under the weather" well done Red, great little read, blessings, Roy, Typo : Been drunk twice(t)
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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It probably needs a better lead in Red, a bit more background would have established it. After being on a rampant bus, our hero is met by his pa, and goes on a crawling pace to his him, moving him to telling his to move over, he'll drive despite, being a little "under the weather" well done Red, great little read, blessings, Roy, Typo : Been drunk twice(t)
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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I almost made it a little blunter, but hoped a mild approach would hook the reader. I'll change it a little. After all, potlatch challenge is about learning. Thanks very much, Roy, for reading and reviewing.
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That's Fine Red, just helping if I can,
Comment from country ranch writer
some times yah got to take the bull by the horns and speak up for ones self or get left behind in the commotion of who done what when nothing at all took place
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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some times yah got to take the bull by the horns and speak up for ones self or get left behind in the commotion of who done what when nothing at all took place
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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I saw this happen more than once. A man claiming he had gotten the girl to save his face when she told him to buzz off.
Thanks very much for reading and reviewing my Navy story....
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so true
Comment from Rasmine
Hello :)
This was good. I found one misspelling. The others I saw was speech and well done.
Been drunk twicet (typo)."
Take care and have a good week
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Hello :)
This was good. I found one misspelling. The others I saw was speech and well done.
Been drunk twicet (typo)."
Take care and have a good week
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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No, the mountain boy would have said tw-eye-st. Or elst in place of else. In those days. Izzybel for Isabel. Dialog and migration is wiping out the old vernaculars fast. I try to keep some of the dialog going...thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
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Okay :)
Comment from Daniel Silverhawk
Nice work on the description. I had to laugh when you said the bus stopped at every mailbox. Anyone who has traveled by bus knows what that is like. I saw a few typos. A careful rereading would point those out to you.
One other suggestion would be to maybe spell out all those abbreviations at least once so we could follow the story a little easier. Overall, a great work. Thanks for sharing
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reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Nice work on the description. I had to laugh when you said the bus stopped at every mailbox. Anyone who has traveled by bus knows what that is like. I saw a few typos. A careful rereading would point those out to you.
One other suggestion would be to maybe spell out all those abbreviations at least once so we could follow the story a little easier. Overall, a great work. Thanks for sharing
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Hard to guess which abbreviations are uncommon enough to need spelling out, and whether or not dialog is going to look like typos, especially when rushing to a challenge like the potlatch. Thanks for reading.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, I think you need a better lead in. As is, this does not catch and hook the reader with any emotional grab. You may also want to leave out all the jargon.
Otherwise a solid post.
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reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Hmm, I think you need a better lead in. As is, this does not catch and hook the reader with any emotional grab. You may also want to leave out all the jargon.
Otherwise a solid post.
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Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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That is what potlatch is about. Throwing out an unedited, unrevised piece and seeing where the chips fall. I had hoped the narrator's inner turmoil(when I finally decided what to do) would be a more subtle hook than "when I got the poison pen letter that my wife was banging her boss, I pitched a couple of drunks at the EM club then..."
Another learning experience. Thanks much for reading and reviewing.
