Prosetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Milk "Story telling poems
16 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
This is a sad story poem. It breaks my heart when children are stifled by their parents. They should be happy and carefree and play. Spilling milk shouldn't be a huge deal. Sounds to me that the parents fihting causes the sweet thing to wet her bed.
- "you think (your) so special" - you're
I wish you well in this contest.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
  |
This is a sad story poem. It breaks my heart when children are stifled by their parents. They should be happy and carefree and play. Spilling milk shouldn't be a huge deal. Sounds to me that the parents fihting causes the sweet thing to wet her bed.
- "you think (your) so special" - you're
I wish you well in this contest.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
-
Thank you so much. When will I ever catch the YOu're thing loll
Comment from frogbook
A very sad and emotional poem extremely well written with superb rhyme and flow as well as a compelling child's voice that no reader could resist. An all too true tale. Excellent.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
 |
A very sad and emotional poem extremely well written with superb rhyme and flow as well as a compelling child's voice that no reader could resist. An all too true tale. Excellent.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
-
thank you so much. I am sad that people don't realize the harm they do over little mishaps.
Comment from Writer51
This is a pretty common story that would have taken place in the fifties. We were brought up differently then. I like this poem, though. There's a lot wrapped up in it and the pace is smooth.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
|
This is a pretty common story that would have taken place in the fifties. We were brought up differently then. I like this poem, though. There's a lot wrapped up in it and the pace is smooth.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
-
Thank you , yes unfortunately that was the thinking back then. Hopefully things have changed
Comment from Irish Rain
This is too sadly true, as so many children grow up feeling they just aren't enough. A shame. Because the emotional scars last forever. Great story in a poem entry, blessings...
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
|
This is too sadly true, as so many children grow up feeling they just aren't enough. A shame. Because the emotional scars last forever. Great story in a poem entry, blessings...
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
-
Thank you . It is sad that people get angry over minor things. Understanding would help the child so much more.
Comment from heyjude
Judy, wow. That's quite a story you shared. A very sad one. Just to think that children suffer like that and feel like they are bad. Good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
|
Judy, wow. That's quite a story you shared. A very sad one. Just to think that children suffer like that and feel like they are bad. Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
-
thank you . It is sad when people get mad over stupid stuff.
Comment from winnona
A very well written share a story in a poem entry. Your well-chosen words flowed line to line combining and forming the message of the poem for the reader. Your artwork and background color complete the piece well.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
|
A very well written share a story in a poem entry. Your well-chosen words flowed line to line combining and forming the message of the poem for the reader. Your artwork and background color complete the piece well.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
-
thank you so much. It is sad that people get mad over little things
Comment from Ulla
Hi Judy, I wish I had a six. Not only is the story within the poem heartbreaking, but it's also compassionately told, of a little girl who lives with her parents fighting in a bad marriage. I liked it a lot. Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
|
Hi Judy, I wish I had a six. Not only is the story within the poem heartbreaking, but it's also compassionately told, of a little girl who lives with her parents fighting in a bad marriage. I liked it a lot. Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
-
Thank you it is sad that people get mad over small things and then allow their children to hear them fighting.
Comment from William Ross
Excellent, very well done on this, great rhyming flows and reads well, a wonderful story anger over nothing. thanks for the share and have a wonderful day.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
|
Excellent, very well done on this, great rhyming flows and reads well, a wonderful story anger over nothing. thanks for the share and have a wonderful day.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
-
Even as an adult, I only get angry when someone gets mad over what I consider nothing. Accidents happen, things get broken, people cut you off in traffic, why ruin your day about it. thank you as always william
Comment from Sasha
This is such a sad poem about how harsh words can effect a small child. It sounds like the mother is defending the child and the father has his own harsh ideas on how to correct what he views as 'bad' behavior. Excellent work with this. I am sure many can relate to the message you convey with this one.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
|
This is such a sad poem about how harsh words can effect a small child. It sounds like the mother is defending the child and the father has his own harsh ideas on how to correct what he views as 'bad' behavior. Excellent work with this. I am sure many can relate to the message you convey with this one.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
-
thank you, Yes the mother defends her. Obviously, they never decided as a team how to discipline so the child constantly gets bad messages. My children were extremely deep sleepers just as i was as a child and bed wetting was a problem for a long time. It is not the end of the world, put a depends on and sleep. it will go away. No shame.
-
I was a bed wetter too. Took a long time to get past it.
Comment from Pantygynt
I can resonate with this to some extent as my parents used to row and although they never struck me in anger I can remember being frightened by the raised voices. I like this a lot but there are some punctuation conventions that you are breaking. When the same person continues speaking on into the next line the quotes are not closed at the end of that line. When the same person continues speaking on to the next stanza the quotes are not closed at the end of the previous stanza but they are reopened at the beginning of the next stanza.
In this stanza the same person speaks all the way through so we open the quotes when she starts speaking and close them when she stops
She grabbed her teddy, so soft and so white.
"Let's make up a story to make the world right.
The one where the princess is really so pretty.
The one where the King is funny and witty.
The one where the Queen is all dressed in silk.
The one where the children never spill milk."
In this next passage various things happen. Here is a corrected version with comments. The girl starts and speaks for two lines.
"I'm sorry Daddy, I know I'm no good.
I'll try to be better, like little girls should."
That is followed by narrative for two lines
Outside her bedroom the ranting goes on.
She knew she had always been ugly and wrong.
Now the father (I guess speaks for two lines
"You've pampered that child. You need to do better.
She's ten years old. She's still a bed wetter."
Those quotes are closed. Dad has finished. Now Mum has a go
"You get mad over nothing, you scare her to death.
You think your so special. You're far from perfect."
Back with Dad again.
"My Dad knew the way to make me be strong.
The belt worked for me, I know I'm not Wrong."
And now Mum
"You will not touch my child, You will not raise your hand.
That is no way to prove you're a man."
Back with Dad
"Your child is my child. So I have a right."
And Mum
"NOT to berate her and scare her each Night."
A couple of stanzas of narrative follow then Mum wakes her.
"Time to get up little angel of mine
You must go to school. You must be on time."
Narrative
So she runs from the closet. Her blankie is wet.
She jumps in the shower and tries to forget.
The child is going to speak for three stanzas so
"I'll clean up the closet when I get home.
I will make sure that no one else knowsw.
"I still wet the bed hen I'm deep in my dreams.
Escaping the world in a fantasy scheme.
'Where Kings love their daughters and Queens dressed in silk
Never get angry when I spill my milk. "
I hope I got the right speakers, but you couldn't tell from your quotes and you should be able to work it out when corrected. I am not sure whether the following is a typo or a cultural variation..
She pulls up the blanker to hide all her fears.
Did you mean "blanket" or perhaps "blankie" you use that later?
Although it looks riddled with errors this stems from one misunderstanding of quotation mark rules so I am hoping you will edit the quotes and I will therefore grade this as a 5.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
|
I can resonate with this to some extent as my parents used to row and although they never struck me in anger I can remember being frightened by the raised voices. I like this a lot but there are some punctuation conventions that you are breaking. When the same person continues speaking on into the next line the quotes are not closed at the end of that line. When the same person continues speaking on to the next stanza the quotes are not closed at the end of the previous stanza but they are reopened at the beginning of the next stanza.
In this stanza the same person speaks all the way through so we open the quotes when she starts speaking and close them when she stops
She grabbed her teddy, so soft and so white.
"Let's make up a story to make the world right.
The one where the princess is really so pretty.
The one where the King is funny and witty.
The one where the Queen is all dressed in silk.
The one where the children never spill milk."
In this next passage various things happen. Here is a corrected version with comments. The girl starts and speaks for two lines.
"I'm sorry Daddy, I know I'm no good.
I'll try to be better, like little girls should."
That is followed by narrative for two lines
Outside her bedroom the ranting goes on.
She knew she had always been ugly and wrong.
Now the father (I guess speaks for two lines
"You've pampered that child. You need to do better.
She's ten years old. She's still a bed wetter."
Those quotes are closed. Dad has finished. Now Mum has a go
"You get mad over nothing, you scare her to death.
You think your so special. You're far from perfect."
Back with Dad again.
"My Dad knew the way to make me be strong.
The belt worked for me, I know I'm not Wrong."
And now Mum
"You will not touch my child, You will not raise your hand.
That is no way to prove you're a man."
Back with Dad
"Your child is my child. So I have a right."
And Mum
"NOT to berate her and scare her each Night."
A couple of stanzas of narrative follow then Mum wakes her.
"Time to get up little angel of mine
You must go to school. You must be on time."
Narrative
So she runs from the closet. Her blankie is wet.
She jumps in the shower and tries to forget.
The child is going to speak for three stanzas so
"I'll clean up the closet when I get home.
I will make sure that no one else knowsw.
"I still wet the bed hen I'm deep in my dreams.
Escaping the world in a fantasy scheme.
'Where Kings love their daughters and Queens dressed in silk
Never get angry when I spill my milk. "
I hope I got the right speakers, but you couldn't tell from your quotes and you should be able to work it out when corrected. I am not sure whether the following is a typo or a cultural variation..
She pulls up the blanker to hide all her fears.
Did you mean "blanket" or perhaps "blankie" you use that later?
Although it looks riddled with errors this stems from one misunderstanding of quotation mark rules so I am hoping you will edit the quotes and I will therefore grade this as a 5.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
-
Thank you for your in depth review. I am printing it and going to edit. right now
