Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Desert Danger"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
42 total reviews
Comment from trumby
I really like the descriptions of the desert country that he's passing through.
"What few trees dared to fight the merciless environment, appeared small and gnarled, their life energy sapped by an unforgiving sun."
If this story was set in Australia, the animal wouldn't have been a deer, it would have been a kangaroo.
Very good start to a story. It really got me in , mate.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
  |
I really like the descriptions of the desert country that he's passing through.
"What few trees dared to fight the merciless environment, appeared small and gnarled, their life energy sapped by an unforgiving sun."
If this story was set in Australia, the animal wouldn't have been a deer, it would have been a kangaroo.
Very good start to a story. It really got me in , mate.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
-
Thank you, Trumby! You're right, I should have made it a kangaroo, lol! Fez would have approved.
Thanks so much for reading and leaving a great review.
Take care,
Rhonda
-
A kangaroo in America?
-
A kangaroo in America?
-
Why not?
-
They'd have to be imported.
-
Good point! haha
Comment from Jay Squires
Oh! Excellent! A story that's longer than one episode. Knowing how long this was, I was starting to get antsy about halfway through thinking you'd better start building the ark to the first major action. Knowing it's part of a longer piece, I must marvel at the relaxed pace of your development of Archie's character and the other satellite characters who will play their parts in the overall story. You've captured one reader and I'm sure there will be many more
Just a few points, nothing major:
rid the country of all ills, self imposed and otherwise. [SELF-IMPOSED and otherwise. Aside from needing hyphenating, Rhonda, I was left questioning who or what "self-imposed" referenced: the country? Or Archie?
Of course Archie knew [Comma after 'course'.]
Excellent development of back story for both Archie and Andrew. It flowed logically, but relaxed. Well-done.
As far as his eyes could see, the land took on the appearance of a great tawny ocean filled with distorted bushes, and dotted by clusters of branching cactus, all floating upon heaving waves of sand. Small tufts of grass poked their heads above the arid floor like so many bobbing knots of seaweed. [Beautifully crafted! Authentic as well--judged from someone who spent some time in Texas and traveled her deserts and plains.]
kept in perfect place with gels and mouse [Is this how you spell the hair product? I looked it up on Google, but only came up with the rodent. I think it's spelled differently, but for the life of me, I don't know what it is.]
He would put it on his list of things to do. [What a clever and telling line to describe getting married!]
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
 |
Oh! Excellent! A story that's longer than one episode. Knowing how long this was, I was starting to get antsy about halfway through thinking you'd better start building the ark to the first major action. Knowing it's part of a longer piece, I must marvel at the relaxed pace of your development of Archie's character and the other satellite characters who will play their parts in the overall story. You've captured one reader and I'm sure there will be many more
Just a few points, nothing major:
rid the country of all ills, self imposed and otherwise. [SELF-IMPOSED and otherwise. Aside from needing hyphenating, Rhonda, I was left questioning who or what "self-imposed" referenced: the country? Or Archie?
Of course Archie knew [Comma after 'course'.]
Excellent development of back story for both Archie and Andrew. It flowed logically, but relaxed. Well-done.
As far as his eyes could see, the land took on the appearance of a great tawny ocean filled with distorted bushes, and dotted by clusters of branching cactus, all floating upon heaving waves of sand. Small tufts of grass poked their heads above the arid floor like so many bobbing knots of seaweed. [Beautifully crafted! Authentic as well--judged from someone who spent some time in Texas and traveled her deserts and plains.]
kept in perfect place with gels and mouse [Is this how you spell the hair product? I looked it up on Google, but only came up with the rodent. I think it's spelled differently, but for the life of me, I don't know what it is.]
He would put it on his list of things to do. [What a clever and telling line to describe getting married!]
Comment Written 03-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
-
Thank you for your very useful review, Jay, and for joining in.
I realize now that the first part tended to drag on a bit, but I'll leave it be for now. There was a little much-needed foreshadowing in it, but will keep in mind in future chapters to cut it down.
I got rid of the whole 'mousse" line, since I'm not really sure how to spell it correctly, and "mouse" just wouldn't do. I laughed out loud when I read that part of the review. Thank goodness there weren't any students in the room yet. lol.
Yeah, the whole "things to do list" is a bit like my youngest son's attitude. He's 27 going on 17, I'm afraid. Off to make his fortunes, declaring he'll never settle down...we'll see about all that...
Thanks for the wonderful six stars. What a wonderful way to start a book!!
Again, good to see you back in action!!
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
This is an excellent start, Rhonda, to your new book. I like the introduction and it pulled me into want to follow. The picture is electric and would make a good book cover. I was just starting to get bored when a deer crossed the road. Now I can't wait for the next chapter, Giddy
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
|
This is an excellent start, Rhonda, to your new book. I like the introduction and it pulled me into want to follow. The picture is electric and would make a good book cover. I was just starting to get bored when a deer crossed the road. Now I can't wait for the next chapter, Giddy
Comment Written 03-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
-
Thank you, Giddy. Sorry for the boredom part. I'll try to chisel down all the detail later. The rest should be faster paced. Thank you so much for reading and commenting,
Rhonda
Comment from heisemg
As something of an old Ozark Story teller myself, I like a good story line and this one has it. I like to be drawn into a story and you did just that. I will want to read more and is that not the goal of any writer?
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
|
As something of an old Ozark Story teller myself, I like a good story line and this one has it. I like to be drawn into a story and you did just that. I will want to read more and is that not the goal of any writer?
Comment Written 03-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
-
Thank you so much for your comments, and support. I'm glad it came off as a good story line. I'm excited to get it started and hope you stick around for it's continuation.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Justin Yhoung
I like the desccription of the scene and the history therein. I am intrigued to find out what happens to Archie next. Clearly you have experience in this field--keep expanding. What kind of world will you come up with? Thanks for sharing :)
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
|
I like the desccription of the scene and the history therein. I am intrigued to find out what happens to Archie next. Clearly you have experience in this field--keep expanding. What kind of world will you come up with? Thanks for sharing :)
Comment Written 03-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
-
Thanks so much, Justin. Most of my books are young adult fantasy, but this one is more science fiction, and targeted to an older group. Thanks for weighing in on the start of the book.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from A.A.A.EXHILARATING RIDE
Hi! As much as I love your teenage fantasy, this excites me further, its political figures reminding me of John Kennedy and the hopes for his son. And, I really look forward to such high ranging political philosophy and your scientific expertise woven so cleverly as is your gift into a story. I also felt that wonderful exhilaration of heart and soul as one drives into desert or outback. Happy writing Rhonda, it is such a privilege to follow your work, Maureen*&*
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
|
Hi! As much as I love your teenage fantasy, this excites me further, its political figures reminding me of John Kennedy and the hopes for his son. And, I really look forward to such high ranging political philosophy and your scientific expertise woven so cleverly as is your gift into a story. I also felt that wonderful exhilaration of heart and soul as one drives into desert or outback. Happy writing Rhonda, it is such a privilege to follow your work, Maureen*&*
Comment Written 03-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
-
Thank you so much, Maureen! You're right. This books is targeted for adults, and has more of a political leaning. I greatly appreciate the wonderful six star rating, and for the wonderful remarks. I am so excited to have you along on this venture.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Heidi M
What a wonderful beginning! I have a feeling this story promises to deliver an exciting ride (as Archie has already found out).
I especially liked this description: 'tufts of grass...bobbing knots of seaweed'
One minor spag:
Of the Franklin(s') three sons
I really enjoyed reading your first chapter.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
|
What a wonderful beginning! I have a feeling this story promises to deliver an exciting ride (as Archie has already found out).
I especially liked this description: 'tufts of grass...bobbing knots of seaweed'
One minor spag:
Of the Franklin(s') three sons
I really enjoyed reading your first chapter.
Comment Written 03-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
-
Thank you so much, for the brilliant 6 star rating.
Great pun on the exciting ride. lol. He's about to take quite a tumble.
I'm glad the description of the terrain worked. I love that part of the country.
Thanks for the spag alert!!
I so hope you follow along the journey with me.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Rhonda, I am going to start you new book off with a six star rating! Archie will be the intregal character! When his car left the road, I thought he might get killed or severely maimed and neither happened.
Great start Rhonda and I look forward to reading more!!
Take care my friend,,,,,,, Jimmy
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
|
Rhonda, I am going to start you new book off with a six star rating! Archie will be the intregal character! When his car left the road, I thought he might get killed or severely maimed and neither happened.
Great start Rhonda and I look forward to reading more!!
Take care my friend,,,,,,, Jimmy
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
-
Thank you so much, Jimmy! I appreciate the six star gift for the new book! You're a sweetheart! Archie is quite a character as is off on an incredible journey.
Have a great evening, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from Dustybones
A good and very fast read. I especially like all the descriptions of the Texas and the speeding Ferrari blazing through the land. The grassland, the aroma,and the openness of the road. I wonder why the brake failed? Good start. Boyd
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
|
A good and very fast read. I especially like all the descriptions of the Texas and the speeding Ferrari blazing through the land. The grassland, the aroma,and the openness of the road. I wonder why the brake failed? Good start. Boyd
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
-
Thank you, Boyd. There's a reason for everything in this story, even the deer where it was when it was. Thanks for reading my new book, and I sure hope you follow along.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, this a great start to a new book and I'm looking forward to follow along. I know I should go into more detail, but I think you are telling in places and also use far too many 'ly' words.
across the open expanses of highway = across the open expanses of the highway
Archie looked out across the grasslands and breathed deeply the rich aromas - and breathed in the rich aromas
Just one example.
Looking forward to reading more. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
|
Hi Rhonda, this a great start to a new book and I'm looking forward to follow along. I know I should go into more detail, but I think you are telling in places and also use far too many 'ly' words.
across the open expanses of highway = across the open expanses of the highway
Archie looked out across the grasslands and breathed deeply the rich aromas - and breathed in the rich aromas
Just one example.
Looking forward to reading more. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2016
-
Thank you, Ulla!! I'm so glad you joined in at the beginning, and that you have given such helpful examples to improve. This is a bit older target group, so I'm going to have to adjust to it.
Again, much thanks,
Rhonda
-
So glad you didn't take offence about my suggestions. I think you have a great story going here. :)))
