Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Desert Danger"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
42 total reviews
Comment from barleygirl
Excellent storytelling & perfect mechanics of writing. This is a nice length for this kind of website, a quick read that delivers a full-throated story with nice backstory, build-up, & climax ending. There's a lot of telling in this story, but the quality of your descriptive observations make it feel less like telling & more like showing. Then there are bits of action interspersed here & there . . . a little sparse, but all in all, still a good string of action that compels the reader's attention with anticipation.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Excellent storytelling & perfect mechanics of writing. This is a nice length for this kind of website, a quick read that delivers a full-throated story with nice backstory, build-up, & climax ending. There's a lot of telling in this story, but the quality of your descriptive observations make it feel less like telling & more like showing. Then there are bits of action interspersed here & there . . . a little sparse, but all in all, still a good string of action that compels the reader's attention with anticipation.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for the wonderful six star review, my friend!!
There was a lot of background info, but some of it is foreshadowing, and I can't drop it off. Action will come in the next chapter. It would have made it too long to have put it in with the first chapter.
Thanks for reading and leaving such a marvelous review@@
Rhonda
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I understand the "action" situation . . . I didn't mean that it needed to be changed . . . I was complimenting you on how compelling it is, despite not so much action at this point in the story.
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Okay, I understand, and thanks for the comments!
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. OOO, this sound like a good one. Sorry, it took me so long to review this for you. Things have ben rather hectic here on my home front. I can't wait to read more of this story. Write fast.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Excellent. OOO, this sound like a good one. Sorry, it took me so long to review this for you. Things have ben rather hectic here on my home front. I can't wait to read more of this story. Write fast.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much!! How sweet. You've uplifted me!
Writing isn't the problem, reviewing enough to promote it is another. haha. Isn't that how it always is?
Thank you again,
Rhonda
Comment from Reedblitzerman
Rhonda, this was an unexpected bit of fiction. There's a strong opening with the car traveling across the desert. It's so good, you could almost open with that line. As a reader, I had the immediate sensation of motion. There's some great setup here, explaining the back story. I knew it was effective, because after I finished I was wondering who had the motivation to kill him.
You say things without saying them, which is great. A thirty-one-year-old senator is nothing to laugh at. He's not an Army delta force CIA agent vampire, but formidable. I'm left wondering what will happen next.
[ The red Ferrari he was belted into tore across the open expanses of highway like a lion chasing its prey.] This is a nice hook, especially at the opening. I'm immediately left wondering what he's doing there and where he's going.
[The great state of Texas would not completely miss his father's leadership. Andy had answered a higher calling. As of the past November, the adored senator was elected President of the United States, and his eldest son rode his shirt tails into his old senate job. ] This is a nice transition and low-key. It would be easy to get hung up on the father becoming the President.
[As far as his eyes could see, the land took on the appearance of a great, tawny ocean] Nice description.
[Maybe, he thought, after he was President like his father, he might allow himself to slow down and enjoy it all.] You just kind of slid this one in here. It's a nice way to say he's ambitious without saying he's ambitious.
[Just as Archie leaned his head back to enjoy the sensation, he was startled by a deer. It was running full speed, its trajectory heading directly across the highway and into his path. It was an odd looking beast, rather unearthly in appearance, and it caught his attention immediately. ] Nice pivot here. As the reader, you caught me unawares. I was daydreaming just as badly as your protagonist. It's a great hook, because at this point you throw several new pieces of information out there: will he crash, what's wrong with the deer, was the malfunction deliberate, and since he's alone in the desert, will anyone be there to help?
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Rhonda, this was an unexpected bit of fiction. There's a strong opening with the car traveling across the desert. It's so good, you could almost open with that line. As a reader, I had the immediate sensation of motion. There's some great setup here, explaining the back story. I knew it was effective, because after I finished I was wondering who had the motivation to kill him.
You say things without saying them, which is great. A thirty-one-year-old senator is nothing to laugh at. He's not an Army delta force CIA agent vampire, but formidable. I'm left wondering what will happen next.
[ The red Ferrari he was belted into tore across the open expanses of highway like a lion chasing its prey.] This is a nice hook, especially at the opening. I'm immediately left wondering what he's doing there and where he's going.
[The great state of Texas would not completely miss his father's leadership. Andy had answered a higher calling. As of the past November, the adored senator was elected President of the United States, and his eldest son rode his shirt tails into his old senate job. ] This is a nice transition and low-key. It would be easy to get hung up on the father becoming the President.
[As far as his eyes could see, the land took on the appearance of a great, tawny ocean] Nice description.
[Maybe, he thought, after he was President like his father, he might allow himself to slow down and enjoy it all.] You just kind of slid this one in here. It's a nice way to say he's ambitious without saying he's ambitious.
[Just as Archie leaned his head back to enjoy the sensation, he was startled by a deer. It was running full speed, its trajectory heading directly across the highway and into his path. It was an odd looking beast, rather unearthly in appearance, and it caught his attention immediately. ] Nice pivot here. As the reader, you caught me unawares. I was daydreaming just as badly as your protagonist. It's a great hook, because at this point you throw several new pieces of information out there: will he crash, what's wrong with the deer, was the malfunction deliberate, and since he's alone in the desert, will anyone be there to help?
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Wow, thank you for the detailed and extremely helpful review! You have no idea how helpful that is. I can tell the fantasy writers out there, because you alerted on the deer, and the mysterious malfunction. I like the way you picked up on the subtlety of his ambitious nature, and the focal point being on the son rather than the father.
Hint, he is about to find danger, and not just of the desert nature.
Again, thank you over and over for this wonderful review!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Interesting storyline and premise.
Good characterizations used throughout the telling of this story.
Many possible directions the storyline could go in from this point.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Interesting storyline and premise.
Good characterizations used throughout the telling of this story.
Many possible directions the storyline could go in from this point.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Brett, and it is headed many directions. lol, not really, but there will be lots of twists and turns. Thanks for tuning in,
Rhonda
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
I have to say this was pretty much flawless, so I have little to say except well done. It is interesting, very well written, and make me want more.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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I have to say this was pretty much flawless, so I have little to say except well done. It is interesting, very well written, and make me want more.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much, Roxanna! I appreciate the wonderful six stars, and the warm and welcoming review. I hope you're able to follow it.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from RoostyNester
Your Fantasy Science Fiction chapter is very interesting. It is well written with your main character, Archie Franklin in a tough situation, as he looses his brakes and is flying over the desert. Leaves the reader in suspense. I liked your story line and your story.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Your Fantasy Science Fiction chapter is very interesting. It is well written with your main character, Archie Franklin in a tough situation, as he looses his brakes and is flying over the desert. Leaves the reader in suspense. I liked your story line and your story.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much, my friend. I'm glad the story line works for you, as well as all the detail, which should be lightened up once the story begins in full.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A very good homey story. Well told and interesting with a lot of very descriptive features. You felt like you were ring along with Archie.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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A very good homey story. Well told and interesting with a lot of very descriptive features. You felt like you were ring along with Archie.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Thomas! I'm glad to see your thoughts on this book. I'm trying for a bit older crowd with this book, though it will be ripe with fantasy as well.
Have a great weekend,
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Rhonda, I really liked this chapter.
-I liked the effort and detail you put into the description of characters and scenery.
-There's nothing like a little politics, family, history, and potential for danger, all rolled into one.
-Even Ben Franklin made it into the story.
- I also like the idea of father and son being in politics, and the son taking the father's seat, probably because of the father's popularity.
-As Archie takes his drive, he strikes me as the type who is always well groomed, nice looking, wears expensive clothes, and likes fast cars.
-Unfortunately for him, the fast car has probably put him in the start of some kind of weird and probably dangerous situation.
-Going in to it, I thought I'd see what it's about, as I follow your other story.
-I will give it my best effort, but you made it hard to stop!
-Good luck with it.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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-Rhonda, I really liked this chapter.
-I liked the effort and detail you put into the description of characters and scenery.
-There's nothing like a little politics, family, history, and potential for danger, all rolled into one.
-Even Ben Franklin made it into the story.
- I also like the idea of father and son being in politics, and the son taking the father's seat, probably because of the father's popularity.
-As Archie takes his drive, he strikes me as the type who is always well groomed, nice looking, wears expensive clothes, and likes fast cars.
-Unfortunately for him, the fast car has probably put him in the start of some kind of weird and probably dangerous situation.
-Going in to it, I thought I'd see what it's about, as I follow your other story.
-I will give it my best effort, but you made it hard to stop!
-Good luck with it.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much, Pam!
I decided to start the next book as the DDG is about to reach it's climax, and because I wanted to go into an older level book.
I appreciate the review, though I would understand if you think it's too much to review both. Still, I was looking forward to seeing what you thought of the new one.
I do appreciate the six stars on my new book, and for taking time!
Take care,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome, Rhonda. If I can do it, I will follow both, as I really liked the first chapter.
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
This is an excellent beginning to your new book
but a terrible way to treat a Ferrari
(nor do I think Ferrari will be happy
with the implication that their brakes don't work) LOL
You've established the main character very well
Archimedes Franklin, now there's a name to savor
descendant of old Ben, no less
I read a thousand page biography of Ben Franklin
last year, a most impressive person
The scene is set, the Ferrari is broke, Archie is stranded
let the Humanity Project begin
with its dark secret
Sorry I have no sixes left
those daredevil girls keep taking them
Virtual * * * * * *
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Hello Rhonda,
This is an excellent beginning to your new book
but a terrible way to treat a Ferrari
(nor do I think Ferrari will be happy
with the implication that their brakes don't work) LOL
You've established the main character very well
Archimedes Franklin, now there's a name to savor
descendant of old Ben, no less
I read a thousand page biography of Ben Franklin
last year, a most impressive person
The scene is set, the Ferrari is broke, Archie is stranded
let the Humanity Project begin
with its dark secret
Sorry I have no sixes left
those daredevil girls keep taking them
Virtual * * * * * *
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the virtual six, my friend! Those silly Daredevil Girls are greedy. lol
I'll fix the part about the brakes, and have his foot just slip off or something less, well, inflammatory! It actually happened to me once in my Mustang. Not a Ferrari, and I didn't flip the car, but it was a crazy accident!
I just hope some of Ben's descendants don't take exception to my story!
Thanks so much for checking out the new book.
Have a great weekend,
Rhonda
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You don't have to change the part about the brakes. I think Ferrari will survive. They might even invite you to take a test ride, to see for yourself. Enjoy the ride!
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I can live with that... I'll see if I can invite a couple of writer friends!
Comment from robyn corum
Rhonda,
Great setup! I already like this character, and as a matter of fact, thought this was going to be an entry for that 'character' contest (shoulda been!) It was an intriguing beginning and now I'll be anxious to find out what happens. Great writing. No nits.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Rhonda,
Great setup! I already like this character, and as a matter of fact, thought this was going to be an entry for that 'character' contest (shoulda been!) It was an intriguing beginning and now I'll be anxious to find out what happens. Great writing. No nits.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Thanks so much, Robyn. I didn't know about the contest, but it sounds fun!
I really appreciate you taking your time to read this chapter, and for your encouraging review.
Have a great weekend,
Rhonda
