Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Desert Danger"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
42 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Sis.
I'm excited about this book. I think I'll be able to relate to some of it.
Okay, without further ado... let's go!
"The red Ferrari he was belted into tore across the open expanses of highway like a lion chasing its prey." (Nice imagery.)
"They seemed to have found one in the ultra(-)intense, Archimedes Franklin." (Love the name.)
"He wondered if he was the only weary soul to find comfort in this stunning expanse of nature." (No way! I'm with him.)
"What few trees dared to fight the merciless environment, appeared small and gnarled. (With day time temperatures soaring above the ???C/F mark, their...) Their life energy was sapped by an unforgiving sun." (That inclusion will give readers an idea of what the life, out there has to tolerate.)
" It was a sparsely populated area, mostly composed of meager plant life, and numerous Native American Reservations." (Is that true?)
"His hair flowed uncharacteristically loose around a firm and well(-)conditioned neck."
"Archie was the most ambitious and the largest built. Tall, muscular, and handsome," (Hey, sounds like me! Well, except the ambitious, tall, muscalar and handsome bits!)
"Both younger brothers had chosen to become science teachers," (Hahahaha! Ahhhh, biographical I see!)
"having worked as a medical doctor and researcher long before he entered into(-into... into and enter mean the same thing.) politics."
Crikey! Those last two paragraphs made me come out of the enjoyable scenery and sit up straight. Well done.
I think I'd change the Ferrari to a car with a higher clearance, underneath if it "dashed, unhindered, across barren wasteland." A Ferrari is so low to the ground that it would nose-dive once it hit the sand and go end over end until it stopped. I don't think he'd walk away from the wreck.
This is one heck of a good first chapter. I gonna love this one.
Great job.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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G'day Sis.
I'm excited about this book. I think I'll be able to relate to some of it.
Okay, without further ado... let's go!
"The red Ferrari he was belted into tore across the open expanses of highway like a lion chasing its prey." (Nice imagery.)
"They seemed to have found one in the ultra(-)intense, Archimedes Franklin." (Love the name.)
"He wondered if he was the only weary soul to find comfort in this stunning expanse of nature." (No way! I'm with him.)
"What few trees dared to fight the merciless environment, appeared small and gnarled. (With day time temperatures soaring above the ???C/F mark, their...) Their life energy was sapped by an unforgiving sun." (That inclusion will give readers an idea of what the life, out there has to tolerate.)
" It was a sparsely populated area, mostly composed of meager plant life, and numerous Native American Reservations." (Is that true?)
"His hair flowed uncharacteristically loose around a firm and well(-)conditioned neck."
"Archie was the most ambitious and the largest built. Tall, muscular, and handsome," (Hey, sounds like me! Well, except the ambitious, tall, muscalar and handsome bits!)
"Both younger brothers had chosen to become science teachers," (Hahahaha! Ahhhh, biographical I see!)
"having worked as a medical doctor and researcher long before he entered into(-into... into and enter mean the same thing.) politics."
Crikey! Those last two paragraphs made me come out of the enjoyable scenery and sit up straight. Well done.
I think I'd change the Ferrari to a car with a higher clearance, underneath if it "dashed, unhindered, across barren wasteland." A Ferrari is so low to the ground that it would nose-dive once it hit the sand and go end over end until it stopped. I don't think he'd walk away from the wreck.
This is one heck of a good first chapter. I gonna love this one.
Great job.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 06-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Wonderful ideas, Feral, thank you! You have a brilliant way of correcting without being arrogant and stuffy... you just give another smile!
I really appreciate the sixes!! They do help the ego, I mean confidence!
What type of car do you suggest? Obviously, I'm no car person. Originally, I just said "sports car" to be safe.
You have no idea how glad I am to have you on this story. I had a woman who trained in survival under a guy with experiences about like yours. He was called Bear somebody or other, and I wrote the original story long before I met you. The idea you will see came from them. I respect your opinion more. So, thanks so much, and on many levels my white black man!!
My respects to the ladies!
Rhonda
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Ah yes, ol' Bear Grylls. We go back a long way. We both were involved in training the SAS in outdoor survival in the old country many moons ago. He's a funny dude.
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This one wasn't Bear Grylls. It was a much older guy, and was Native American. I'll have to look up his name, but he was a bit tamer than Grylls, who is the quintessential daredevil guy!! haha.
I'm not surprised you know him!
Comment from Mabaker
Oh. Heck. What a beginning. I must read the rest now I've started. Very well written and interesting. I must see where this is going (no pun intended.) No SPAGS that I couldn't see. I don't do commas or any other type grammar muck-up, so you're safe. I just review on how I enjoy the story. Sincerely Anne.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2017
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Oh. Heck. What a beginning. I must read the rest now I've started. Very well written and interesting. I must see where this is going (no pun intended.) No SPAGS that I couldn't see. I don't do commas or any other type grammar muck-up, so you're safe. I just review on how I enjoy the story. Sincerely Anne.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2017
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Aww, Anne, thank you so much for your lovely comments! How very encouraging. I would be thrilled to have you read more. I'm glad you didn't find spag. I'm really not good at picking out all the mistakes. There are many out there who find it for me. haha!!
Take care, and thanks for the wonderful review,
Rhonda
Comment from Groshans
I like the story and Ithe makes me want to read more. My only suggestion would be to physically describe Archie earlier. Also describe his eyes. I can imagine what is happening but who it is happening to is a dark image in my mind until later in the story.
May I suggest where you say he is the darling of a state I would maybe say he is the darling of the Lone Stars State
Really like it.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
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I like the story and Ithe makes me want to read more. My only suggestion would be to physically describe Archie earlier. Also describe his eyes. I can imagine what is happening but who it is happening to is a dark image in my mind until later in the story.
May I suggest where you say he is the darling of a state I would maybe say he is the darling of the Lone Stars State
Really like it.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much. I do describe him and his golden expressive eyes in the first few chapters. It's hard when you have to read bits and pieces at a time, but such is the nature of this site. It has its ups and downs,
Thanks for the wonderful six star rating! What a wonderful way to end my evening.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from TallySally
Loved: ' his home state of Texas. In the Deep South, age was revered as much as common sense, but he wasn't sure how much he had of either' - great phrasing.
Your descriptions of the desert painted a rich canvas.
Wow! I like the mystery and the 'out-of-nowhere' accident. (Most accidents are out-of-nowhere - but over-describing them loses the immediacy. You did it perfectly.
Very nice write.
God bless and my best,
Relda
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
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Loved: ' his home state of Texas. In the Deep South, age was revered as much as common sense, but he wasn't sure how much he had of either' - great phrasing.
Your descriptions of the desert painted a rich canvas.
Wow! I like the mystery and the 'out-of-nowhere' accident. (Most accidents are out-of-nowhere - but over-describing them loses the immediacy. You did it perfectly.
Very nice write.
God bless and my best,
Relda
Comment Written 29-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the wonderful review, Relda. How sweet to go back and back read the story.
I'm glad I didn't go overboard with the accident as it was just the catalyst for the rest of the story.
Thank you, also, for the kind comments. I look forward to your reading more.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from JTStone
This is an incredibly strong start to a story, Rhonda.
The visual is something that you nail brilliantly. The set up, and introduction to the family gives a lot of meat very early to the story. Excellent use of subtlety in the relax atmosphere leading into the incident with the deer-not-a deer at the leave me in suspense ending.
Of note, I love the use of Archimedes for his name in the story, given the family background of scientists. But in the notes below, you list him as Archibald...
On another note, just a technicallity that most people wouldn't notice; Ferraris are generally thought of as two seaters with only two windows, they make only one 4 seat model, and its back windows aren't operable--you wrote that 'he completely opened all four windows...' And I just don't picture Archie in a Lusso, more of a 488 spyder, 2 seater guy--no family.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2016
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This is an incredibly strong start to a story, Rhonda.
The visual is something that you nail brilliantly. The set up, and introduction to the family gives a lot of meat very early to the story. Excellent use of subtlety in the relax atmosphere leading into the incident with the deer-not-a deer at the leave me in suspense ending.
Of note, I love the use of Archimedes for his name in the story, given the family background of scientists. But in the notes below, you list him as Archibald...
On another note, just a technicallity that most people wouldn't notice; Ferraris are generally thought of as two seaters with only two windows, they make only one 4 seat model, and its back windows aren't operable--you wrote that 'he completely opened all four windows...' And I just don't picture Archie in a Lusso, more of a 488 spyder, 2 seater guy--no family.
Jimmy
Comment Written 22-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2016
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I totally meant to change to 4 to a 2 after someone else made that comment!! I'll go back and change it. Thanks!!
Also true on messing up the name in the notes. Silly me!!
Now on the part about the deer-not-a deer, you are the only one who's noticed that, and I think it's something only another sci-fi/fantasy author would catch. You have a clever eye, my friend!! Unfortunately, the explanation for that remark won't come for a while!!
Thank you ever so much,
Rhonda
Comment from evesayshi
In my opinion, a startling, captivating read - because I am an avid reader that becomes immersed in my reading, this read offered me no less. I was immediately engaged in the read, which I found extremely articulate, descriptive and intriguing. I find this writer's style of writing one that demands I read more...
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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In my opinion, a startling, captivating read - because I am an avid reader that becomes immersed in my reading, this read offered me no less. I was immediately engaged in the read, which I found extremely articulate, descriptive and intriguing. I find this writer's style of writing one that demands I read more...
Comment Written 12-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016
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Wow, thank you very much. I'm glad the story was able to engage you.
Have a nice weekend,
Rhonda
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Yes, it did, Rhonda, thank you, and you're welcome. My only criticism is, the read ended too abruptly for me. I'd like to read more of the story - can I, or is this all there is for now? I want to write like you - I do have a novel in me, but I am reluctant to begin. I don't have your type of writing talent. I'm jealous, but not in a negative way, honest...Eve
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Novels aren't as hard as they seem. Sometimes you start with an outline, other times you get a main idea, and then let the story write itself. I encourage you to try. There are many people on this site who will help guide you the right way. They have definitely helped me!!
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Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement, Rhonda - I'll keep your sound advice in mind when I am ready to try my wings...
Comment from dweigt
Great opening. I went back to read this after seeing the second chapter.
A few minor suggestions:
He reached over, turned off the air conditioner, and then completely opened all four windows. -- I'm not that familiar with Ferraris, and thought they were all two seat sports cars. Would his have FOUR windows?
He pressed again, but the pedal snapped and fell clattering onto the floorboard. -- A pedal breaking is pretty unusual. This makes me wonder if it was sabotaged. If that isn't a direction you want the story to go, take this out. The deer is enough to cause the accident.
The car swerved violently and shot off into the uneven terrain south of the road. He grabbed the steering wheel -- This makes it sound as though the car swerved of its own accord and then he grabbed the steering wheel. He swerved to avoid the deer, right? His hands should have already been gripping the wheel, although one might be on the gearshift if it is not an automatic. Did his hands clench in panic?
Other than these minor issues, it is a good start for your story!
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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Great opening. I went back to read this after seeing the second chapter.
A few minor suggestions:
He reached over, turned off the air conditioner, and then completely opened all four windows. -- I'm not that familiar with Ferraris, and thought they were all two seat sports cars. Would his have FOUR windows?
He pressed again, but the pedal snapped and fell clattering onto the floorboard. -- A pedal breaking is pretty unusual. This makes me wonder if it was sabotaged. If that isn't a direction you want the story to go, take this out. The deer is enough to cause the accident.
The car swerved violently and shot off into the uneven terrain south of the road. He grabbed the steering wheel -- This makes it sound as though the car swerved of its own accord and then he grabbed the steering wheel. He swerved to avoid the deer, right? His hands should have already been gripping the wheel, although one might be on the gearshift if it is not an automatic. Did his hands clench in panic?
Other than these minor issues, it is a good start for your story!
Keep writing!
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the wonderful comments, and you were spot on on all of them. It's funny the small details a person doesn't think about!! The car was sabotaged, but I think it's too much foreshadowing, so I'll leave it out. You're right, the deer is enough. If I want to add it later, I can have him think about it, and realize it had happened.
I'll fix it at one.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from jlsavell
Rhonda,
Bravo to you! A great great beginning. This story is voing to be one helluva ride! Pardon the pun. I am hooked. Hurry up woman. Post the next... jimi
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Rhonda,
Bravo to you! A great great beginning. This story is voing to be one helluva ride! Pardon the pun. I am hooked. Hurry up woman. Post the next... jimi
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Thank you, Jimi!! Unfortunately, adult books take longer to write. I have to pay more attention to detail. Kids look past a lot. lol. I appreciate your enthusiasm!!
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from KjSilver
It was very well written. Great imagery, great ability of your words to express your intent. The only thing I was wishing for was a hook. Something exciting that was going to happen in the chapter. For a moment, I was looking at the deer as if it was going to become something strange and twist the story.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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It was very well written. Great imagery, great ability of your words to express your intent. The only thing I was wishing for was a hook. Something exciting that was going to happen in the chapter. For a moment, I was looking at the deer as if it was going to become something strange and twist the story.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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It will. Lol. Next chapter has more content. I originally intended it to be with this one, but ended up being too long. Thanks for reading and reviewing, my friend!!
Rhonda
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Very well written and great descriptions of Southwest Texas. It is beautiful out there, but one has to be into nature to appreciate it.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Very well written and great descriptions of Southwest Texas. It is beautiful out there, but one has to be into nature to appreciate it.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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You are so right. It does take a special eye to appreciate the plains. Thanks for the wonderful review,
Rhonda
