The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 47 "An Alliance- Part 1"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
24 total reviews
Comment from MelB
Hi Rhonda, this is another wonderful chapter to your story. It's moving along well and the dialogue is well written. I really like the end, where he is going to make a believer out of him.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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Hi Rhonda, this is another wonderful chapter to your story. It's moving along well and the dialogue is well written. I really like the end, where he is going to make a believer out of him.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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Thanks so much for the review and dedication to the book. You've been here all along, and that is very helpful!
Take care,
Rhonda
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You're welcome. You have a great story going!
Comment from giraffmang
Another well written chapter here, Rhonda.
"You hit your head, too, didn't you?" he asked - excellent and typical response to previous outburst! lol
He nodded a shaggy blonde head - blond for males.
I think you did a pretty good job with the exposition for Andy from Tina, but I wonder if it is all necessary. It does give a recap of the events so far but you could have covered it with simply saying she recounted the events to Andy. It's an author's decision, but something to think about.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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Another well written chapter here, Rhonda.
"You hit your head, too, didn't you?" he asked - excellent and typical response to previous outburst! lol
He nodded a shaggy blonde head - blond for males.
I think you did a pretty good job with the exposition for Andy from Tina, but I wonder if it is all necessary. It does give a recap of the events so far but you could have covered it with simply saying she recounted the events to Andy. It's an author's decision, but something to think about.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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I actually put that part in to catch up readers. Hahha. I'll take it out when I publish.
Darn, I forgot on the blonde again. Thanks for catching it!!
Thank you for your time and attention to the story. Much appreciated!!
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
In many ways this chapter is a kind of catch up for anyone joining in later on. As Tina retells the story, I knew exactly what she'd say as I've read all of the previous episodes. If that was your intention, I'd say you've done it extremely well.
There was a lot of talk between Kurt, Andy and Tina. All excellent dialogue and within the sequence of the story. I was so hoping you'd finish with Kurt doing his switch over routine and on the money, he declares, "Making a believer out of you." I was right there in the room with him. In fact, your genteel and helpful convert, Kurt, has almost convinced me that werewolves live in my street. Some may be harmful, but thank God they're not.
And that of course is why your book works really well. The mystery and glamour of the circumstances are married so well into the every day. Each chapter helps advance the plot with all of us on the same page wanting to know how the Daredevil Girls are going to succeed.
As I've told you before, Tina's adventure is paramount and I love the kid. Kurt's won me. Now it's up to Andy.
Excellent.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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In many ways this chapter is a kind of catch up for anyone joining in later on. As Tina retells the story, I knew exactly what she'd say as I've read all of the previous episodes. If that was your intention, I'd say you've done it extremely well.
There was a lot of talk between Kurt, Andy and Tina. All excellent dialogue and within the sequence of the story. I was so hoping you'd finish with Kurt doing his switch over routine and on the money, he declares, "Making a believer out of you." I was right there in the room with him. In fact, your genteel and helpful convert, Kurt, has almost convinced me that werewolves live in my street. Some may be harmful, but thank God they're not.
And that of course is why your book works really well. The mystery and glamour of the circumstances are married so well into the every day. Each chapter helps advance the plot with all of us on the same page wanting to know how the Daredevil Girls are going to succeed.
As I've told you before, Tina's adventure is paramount and I love the kid. Kurt's won me. Now it's up to Andy.
Excellent.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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Thank you for reading and commenting, and your support has been pivotal to the continuation of the story.
My whole point in this part was to catch up occasional readers. I'll take some of it out when I go to publish, but I tried to sort of work it in. You're the second one who caught that. The next chapter will move things on a bit.
Yes, the situation was ripe for Kurt to prove Tina's point about werewolves. lol
Another point to the story is to bring peoples' attention to the possibility of the impossible being part of their lives without most people noticing! That's okay, I think some of my students are werewolves and vampires, too!! haha.
Take care, and thanks for your continued and detailed support!
Rhonda
Comment from MTF1955
That was great. I especially loved the last line. I just knew he had to do it. Can't wait to see what the brothers reaction is going to be. Thanks for the great read. Mary
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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That was great. I especially loved the last line. I just knew he had to do it. Can't wait to see what the brothers reaction is going to be. Thanks for the great read. Mary
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you, Mary. Yeah, poor Andy had it coming, though, and what better way to explain than to show him??
I so appreciate your review, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
"Suite yourself" should be "Suit yourself"
If it was me I would have cut out a lot of the explanation, although you did it very well. Th crowning glory of the chapter is the ending, of course, where Kurt turns himself back to a werewolf. Giddy
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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"Suite yourself" should be "Suit yourself"
If it was me I would have cut out a lot of the explanation, although you did it very well. Th crowning glory of the chapter is the ending, of course, where Kurt turns himself back to a werewolf. Giddy
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you for your remarks about the explanations, because I did it because of a negative review I got where I was told I used too much dialogue and needed to explain more. I didn't feel comfortable with it.
You're right on the mistake. What happened is that I had just loaded it for preview, and was going to revise and edit, and it went out without me releasing it. I had to do a very quick clean up.
I appreciate your time.
Rhonda
Comment from Heidi M
I can't blame Andy for being skeptical about the witches and werewolves, and I'm glad Kurt was willing to set him straight.
Both your narrative and dialogue are good throughout this chapter.
This sentence wasn't clear to me:
'Andy looked at Tina, big green eyes a replica of his sister's' My suggestion would be: Andy looked at Tina with big green eyes that were a replica of his sister's. Something for you to consider, anyway.
A few minor spags, but you have done a good job on this chapter.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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I can't blame Andy for being skeptical about the witches and werewolves, and I'm glad Kurt was willing to set him straight.
Both your narrative and dialogue are good throughout this chapter.
This sentence wasn't clear to me:
'Andy looked at Tina, big green eyes a replica of his sister's' My suggestion would be: Andy looked at Tina with big green eyes that were a replica of his sister's. Something for you to consider, anyway.
A few minor spags, but you have done a good job on this chapter.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you, Heidi. I appreciate your comments, and glossing over the errors. I had just loaded this chapter and was going to go back later to revise, but it got released without me approving it, so it went out in all kind of bad condition, haha. I've been trying to do damage control ever since.
I like your idea on the description of the brother, thanks. That was one of those parts I was going to go back to. I usually don't finish revising for days, and I was appalled when I saw it had released. I do appreciate you,
Rhonda
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Oh, that's frustrating to have it released before it was ready! Kinda like walking around in public, only to realize much later that you forgot to put your pants on!
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Exactly!! Or, like I did yesterday, went to work and forgot my make up. Not a one of my students said anything either!! I guess it was just my week for embarrassment!! Thanks for understanding,
Rhonda
Comment from royowen
Werewolf Kurt helps Tina, despite him being party with the witches and other werewolves, doesn't agree with their nasty, provocative behaviour. He helps her towards her home, meeting brother Andy, who is a sceptic, and doesn't believe that w's and w's have taking over the school. Kurt's in the process of proving her right! Well done. Rhonda, excellent episode, blessings, Roy
Typo : I understand (your) anxious, Tina. You're?
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Werewolf Kurt helps Tina, despite him being party with the witches and other werewolves, doesn't agree with their nasty, provocative behaviour. He helps her towards her home, meeting brother Andy, who is a sceptic, and doesn't believe that w's and w's have taking over the school. Kurt's in the process of proving her right! Well done. Rhonda, excellent episode, blessings, Roy
Typo : I understand (your) anxious, Tina. You're?
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you, Roy, for the wonderful review. There were lots of mistakes. The chapter released before I intended it to. I had just loaded it, and was going to go back and review and revise before it went out. I've been playing catch up ever since. This happened once before, too!
Anyway, I do so appreciate your review,
Rhonda
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You're normally, meticulous Rhonda, but small typos are nothing, there's many much worse, I'm quite happy really. Love Roy
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Thank you so much, and I guess that's what has me miffed. I am meticulous, and go over a chapter many times before releasing it. Oh well, at least most of the people who reviewed it are friends, and understand!
Hugs,
Rhonda
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Non of us are perfect, least of all...me Rhonda,
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Pretty darn close!
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Pretty darn close!
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. this crazy story just keps getting better with each chapter. I have been following this and ejoying every word. Just one small error--the word (suite) should be (suit). Where you said (suite) yourself. Otherwise it is perfect and the artwork is beautiful. good work.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Excellent. this crazy story just keps getting better with each chapter. I have been following this and ejoying every word. Just one small error--the word (suite) should be (suit). Where you said (suite) yourself. Otherwise it is perfect and the artwork is beautiful. good work.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you, my friend! I caught those mistakes on the revision. It got released before I was ready, and am trying to do damage control now. Lol. I usually take a couple of days once I load it to look it over several times, but not this time. lol. Thanks for your support!!
Rhonda
Comment from gene roush
This has a lot of good action.
And you sprinkle it with humor, adding to character depth.
I think that there are times that you tend to be too descriptive, " they heard the distinctive of an all terrain vehicle approaching". I think that "the distinctive sound of " only stalls the action.
It finishes well.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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This has a lot of good action.
And you sprinkle it with humor, adding to character depth.
I think that there are times that you tend to be too descriptive, " they heard the distinctive of an all terrain vehicle approaching". I think that "the distinctive sound of " only stalls the action.
It finishes well.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you, Gene, for your honest review. I apologize for the condition of the chapter. It was not supposed to be released for review. I had just loaded it, and still had a lot of work to do. I never released it, but it happened, and it was in terrible shape. I have made many changes. If you have time, I would appreciate you looking it back over to see if it sounds better. This happened once before, several months ago. Oh well, it happens, it guess!
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from Dustybones
Good writing as usual with plenty of dialogue and you have some great described pharagraghs to keep it flowing. The stage is now set for a rescue or an attack. Funny part about the shock therapy. That would make anyone a believer. I thought you have the story going full steam ahead now. It's exciting. Boyd
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Good writing as usual with plenty of dialogue and you have some great described pharagraghs to keep it flowing. The stage is now set for a rescue or an attack. Funny part about the shock therapy. That would make anyone a believer. I thought you have the story going full steam ahead now. It's exciting. Boyd
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Sorry, this isn't supposed to be released yet. I wasn't even close to being finished with the revision. It says "not open to reviewers" on my side. I'll clean it up and rerelease it.
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Oh! sorry...you need to disable it then
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I tried, and it didn't work. None the less, I've made most of my revisions now, including shortening it considerably. Sorry about that!
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Hey...I thought it was a bit long. Yet it was very readably long. You do have lots of skill. I go back and read it once more. B dusty
