Comment from Walu Feral

Exceptional

G'day again, Padna.

I think I'll buy a robot to sell this rice here for me lol. Delia's doing some book-keeping for an Aussie guy who has a shipping container business, next-door to us, so the store is my baby lol. The other day a guy wanted buy something and I had no idea how much to sell it for, so I asked him what he usually pays hahahaha!

Anyway, enough banter!

"Not much later, they heard an all(-)terrain vehicle approaching. Kurt quickened his pace until they came into view of Tina's much(-)anticipated brother.

"Dang,(space)Tina, what kind of Special Forces Unit does your friend belong to?"

"Then, just as we were ready to go, Mrs. Pierson" ( I could be wrong, but I'm under the impression that we don't put the period after the Mr or Mrs, these days. I forget who told me that, maybe Jay.)

"but then these huge hairy guys poured into the room beating a drum." (Hahahaha! Sounds like my band members, way back when.)

"Then I saw some police cars and ran to them. I tried to explain what had happened, but they didn't believe me."

"Go figure," Andy said." (lol.)

"Andy gasped as Kurt began to sprout long white hair all over the visible parts of his body. "Whoa, dude, what are you doing?"

"Making a believer out of you." (I'd have wet my pants, or worse lol.)

I guess he has no choice to believe her now.

Finally, she gets to make that darn phone call. I've been hanging out, for months now, to hear what he has to say. I you write that he's on holidays, or on a space shuttle, or anything like that, so he can't help her, I'll open a beer and kick one of these multitude of stray cats. Oops! Sorry stray cat lovers, but there are thousands of them.

Great work, once again, Padna.

Cheers Fez

 Comment Written 03-Apr-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017

Hi Padna!
Thanks for the 6'er!! So encouraging!!

It's nice to have you back. There is no one who gives reviews like you do. You are specific, encouraging, and right!
Good thing for you, the book is already complete, so you've got it all.
It's funny, but I didn't realize it's been this long since you've been able to review.
You should really be reading my newer on, The Humanity Project. My characters are trying to survive in the desert, and I'm catching heck from people who doubt me. haha. Okay, might need a really good survival expert's opinion.

Take care, Brother!
Rhonda

reply by Walu Feral on 06-Apr-2017

Yes I agree. I'll get back to the girls later and finish it. I'll try and catch you up on the new one, before I get any further behind.

reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017

Thank you so much! This means the world to me. How could I possibly write a desert survival story without the best expert I know?

Comment from A.A.A.EXHILARATING RIDE

Exceptional

Hi! It seems so long since I stepped into this amazing fantasy. It is so fast flowing, and full of such wonderful descriptions, such as: His hair slid into his body with an audible click, and his features become softer and more distinguished.

Such descriptions balance the emotive tension and excitement allowing one to experience the unique intensity of setting, relationships, and emotion on the way. Lovely to catch up with thanks, Maureen*&*

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 25-Oct-2016

Thank you, Maureen, for the beautiful six star review! I'm so glad you've been a part of this whole journey. I've grown with it, and it's because of friends like you. I appreciate the way you have picked out what you like so I know what to repeat next time.

Take care, my friend,
Rhonda

reply by A.A.A.EXHILARATING RIDE on 26-Oct-2016

Yes! I believe that growth through the love and passion of what we do is so precious; and what would our world be if everyone could enjoy the wonder birth to death. I really believe such is our hope, and God's, and shows its potential in new families world wide; so sad such dreams, efforts, and love is diminished by capitalist economies dependent on feeding on increasing destruction, and self protection.

The wonder is doing what we are here to unfold and naturally gift all, and be reinforced. Thanks for such blessings today, Maureen*&*

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

I read this out of order. Now the previous post I read makes a little more sense. It was ME, not you. I figures something must have happened in betwen.

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Oct-2016

I do that all the time!! I usually post one a week to keep everyone straight, but I have three already written, so will probably post another soon.

Thanks for reading and catching up.

Take care
Rhonda

Comment from Pam (respa)

Exceptional

-Nice image for the story.
-I guess this is a transition and an alliance chapter.
-But we are left in suspense for the appearance of Emory Settler.
-That will be something when it happens to see what he will do.
-But now Tina and Kurt meet up with Tina's brother Andy.
-It is natural he would be concerned about what has happened to Tina,
and who Kurt is. How had he kept up with them? Only a werewolf/human would know that!
-Eventually, the story is told because Tina wants to get that call made to Emory.
-Andy was amazed by what Tina said about Mrs. Pierson, and not convinced Kurt was a werewolf, but when Kurt stood up and unbuttoned his shirt, there was no doubt!
-Here's to the Alliance defeating the dark forces.

 Comment Written 21-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2016

Thank you, Pam!! I appreciate the six star rating, especially with this chapter's sketchy entrance into the field.

It is an in-between sort of chapter, just setting things up. Still putting the chess pieces out there.

Werewolves have quite incredible stamina and strength, so was able to keep up. Always helps to have one of those on your team. lol. Thanks for suspending disbelief!

Again, thanks for waiting to review, and for the sparkling stars, my friend.

Have a great weekend,
Rhonda

reply by Pam (respa) on 21-Oct-2016

You are very welcome for the stars and review. I understand about putting all the pieces together, as it has got to be complicated! You know a lot about werewolves; it is easy to suspend belief because you make it that way, Rhonda. You have a good weekend, too.

reply by the author on 21-Oct-2016

Thank you, Pam. I'll be honest, I made it all up about werewolves because I wanted my own unique ideas. When I first wrote the series, I wouldn't read what anyone else said. I just wanted a set of characters the kids could relate to as a sort of splinter group. I just wrote down all my ideas so I could stay in character with them. I used to have more time. haha. Now I just look back on my notes.

reply by Pam (respa) on 22-Oct-2016

Sounds like a good approach, Rhonda. Then, they are uniquely yours; I was wondering how you knew so much about them!

Comment from rspoet

Exceptional

I think I'd believe too
but probably not until Kurt provided some hairy proof
then I'd move as far away from Kurt as I could!
That's one rocky looking path in the picture.
No wonder Tina fell.
It seems not many people believe in the supernatural
despite the fame of the Daredevil girls and their numerous
battles against witches, mummies, and werewolves
The daredevil girls just don't get any respect,
like Rodney Dangerfield
This is a good catch-up chapter and provides a way
to introduce Andy, "Whoa, dude, what are you doing?"
His next line should probably be "Awesome!"
Excellent chapter continuing the tale of Tina
Well done. A six for Tina

 Comment Written 21-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2016

Looks like I wasn't the only one with a hidden six, my friend! Thank you so much!

Yeah, you'd think more people would believe, but in the "old days", there wasn't the media coverage there is now. The new group may gain a little more notoriety!!

It was another of the catch up chapters, designed to let new readers have an idea what's going on, and old ones a chance to remember. I'll probably leave some of it out if I publish it!

I like the "awesome" remark. Mind if I use it?

Thanks for Tina's six!! She has been through a lot!!

Have a great weekend,
Rhonda

reply by rspoet on 21-Oct-2016

You're welcome to use "awesome" and any other words you like. It would be my pleasure. Someday, when you're a famous author, I'll be able to say, "see that word "awesome," I suggested that! LOL

reply by the author on 21-Oct-2016

Aww, that's so sweet! I shall happily add it in. Thanks!

Comment from Kinch Kinski

Good

This is cool - I feel like there is probably quite a bit I'm not quite getting due to jumping into the middle, but there's enough background for me to get an idea. I think I'll track down the first chapter and read it to my daughter, see if she wants to read it all with me. She's seven and obsessed with all things monsters and magic!

So, I like the characterisations, they make sense - the sister who's on a mission and annoyed with her brother holding things up, the werewolf Kurt who can see both sides and is being diplomat, and the brother who is concerned for his sister and understandably skeptical of her story and the vaguely threatening, strange man she's with. The dynamic works well.

The ending line is effective too!

A couple of minor things that didn't quite work for me:

"Not much later, they heard an all terrain vehicle approaching. Kurt quickened his pace until they came into view of Tina's much anticipated brother."

'Not much later' I think is clumsy sounding. You could either drop the time thing all together and just start the action, or else just write "A little while later" or "soon enough" or something along those lines. It would also be a good idea to establish who is hearing the ATV, so "Kurt and Lisa heard an ATV approaching.."

""Well, Miss Jordan and the others took turns telling about two adventures they had, and everyone loved it.""

'telling about two adventure they had' is weird, kinda clunky. Not sure if that is supposed to be a quirk of how the character speaks (in which case, ignore me), but if not maybe "Miss Jordan and the other took turns recounting some adventures they'd had"

 Comment Written 20-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Thank you for your detailed review. Very helpful, and I don't mind the 4 stars, but as a hint on this site, it can get you some enemies. People try for 5's and the much coveted 6, unless it's really bad. I'm only sharing that with you, because I've been muted before for it, which if that happens, means you don't get to open their work any more after that. lol.

As far as Tina's language, she's 12, and I try to mimic the middle school way of talking.
You're completely right about the first example, and I've changed it several times to try to make it sound better. so thanks!

This book has grown a lot since the beginning, so you might find a lot of mistakes in the first few chapters, which I plan to go back and work on later, like once I'm through with this book.

Also, I once had this book published, but bought my rights back so I could rewrite it and republish. I've found it's harder to rewrite, then write it to begin with. You have to right the wrongs, then try to come up with an awesome turn of word here and there, kind of like what you do with the lines I point out that I like.

I would be thrilled if your daughter would enjoy this book. My father used to tell my sister and I Daredevil Girl stories when we were growing up to teach us values. I don't remember much about them except that I enjoyed them, but found a letter he had written me before he died asking me to take on the torch and write what I could come up with.

Thanks so much,
Rhonda

reply by Kinch Kinski on 21-Oct-2016

Hey, glad you didn't take offense at the four stars ? it may well go up if I re-read as part of the broader story. That's good to know about people reacting badly to lower ratings! I value honest feedback so highly I always forget some people take it personally :)

I'm curious to go back to the beginning, and I'll treat it like a draft and just enjoy the story, since it's a work in progress.

That's really beautiful about your dad handing the story down to you!

reply by the author on 21-Oct-2016

Thank you for your reaction to what I said, I'm just telling you the truth. I've found the authors will listen to pretty much anything you say so long as the rating doesn't go below a 5. There is a competition between us at poetry, short story, novels, and scripts. It's very competitive, and 4's take your ongoing score down, and that's why people are sensitive about it. I'm just being honest, like I said, I got muted by one of my favorite writers the first month I was on here, and he hasn't unblocked me since...
Thank you for looking at my earlier chapters with a grain of salt as I feel I've grown a lot as a writer since the beginning.
Your a great writer and I'm glad to see you on this site!

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hi, Rhonda

= LOL ... nothing like making a believer by just proving it.
= Great end hook. Good chapter.
= Probably not making sense, I'm all but falling asleep at my laptop.

<> Always use comma with direct address.
="Thanks(,) buddy," Kurt said.

= Sorry for the long response time.
= Spent the last four days in chaos working on kitchen.
= Had to empty cabinets/drawers, and then put them back.
= I'm exhausted, but so worth the hard work.

<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings <> Jax
<> Published as <> Jacqueline M Franklin

 Comment Written 20-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Hi, Jax, thanks for taking time out of your super busy time to review. Lol, I just did that with the pantry the other day. I had my husband hold out plastic bags while I threw out about 80% of what was in there. He whimpered a few times in his 20 boxes of oatmeal that had been in there for years, but in the end, he was happy!!

Thanks for the heads up on the comma. It always helps having extra eyes, and especially those tired of redoing the kitchen. haha.

Have a great evening,
Rhonda

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Rhonda, why don't I have a six? This is a fantastic chapter and so very well told. I absolutely love it. The sceptical brother and then Kurt. Wow. Can't wait to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 20-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Thank you, Ulla!! I appreciate the virtual six, and quite understand how quickly we run out of them. I've always said I wish they gave us six for each category! None-the-less, it is what it is, and I appreciate the kind words and generous review. I'll probably post the next one tomorrow.

Thanks again,
Rhonda

Comment from TheWriteTeach

Excellent

Rhonda,
Nice chapter. This is very well written. The story moves along very well. You have good action all the way though, ensuring that the story doesn't slow down or stall out. You have good transitions from scene to scene. Your dialogue is very believable. The characters talk exactly like teenagers. Nicely done. I didn't pick up on any spags. This story had me hooked from the start. It is getting deeper and darker as it moves along. Looking forward to the next chapter. Excellent job with this. I have no sixes left, a five will have to do with a virtual six next to it.

Suzanne

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Awww, that's so sweet, thank you for that virtual six. I'll take it.
Thank you, as well, for the helpful review. I'm glad it's coming off as believable, and the darkness does increase from here on out. Thank you for keeping up with the story,

Rhonda

Comment from Jim Lorson Sr

Excellent

Rhonda, another truly great story! I am really liking this spunky girl Tina Alive. Kurt is a great addition to the storyline! I'm glad Tina got through to Emory and to get the problem through to him. While Kurt is going to make Andy a true believer.

Well done my friend,,,,,,Jim

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016

Thank you, Jim. I appreciate your loyal support, my friend. You are ever a help.

So, how are things going in your world??

Hope all is well,
Rhonda

reply by Jim Lorson Sr on 19-Oct-2016

I am doing just fine Rhonda! I love the myth of the vampire. I am on chapter five of a story in poetic form. I going to find another site to put it on, because I don't want pay to promote it! I hope everything is going well for you my friend,,,,,,Jim