Comment from kiwisteveh

Good

I like the lighthearted feel to your poem, one of the characteristics of many Rondeaus. You have also constructed a beautiful first line, so you can extract the first few words as an effective refrain.

Unfortunately, you have either misunderstood or chosen to ignore the instructions with regard to the rhyme scheme. With the exception of the refrain line, the Rondeau should have only two rhymes throughout, as shown in the example poem. I'm afraid you will be disqualified if you let this stand.

Please let me know if you fix this and I will upgrade my rating.

Steve

 Comment Written 18-Oct-2016

---

reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016

Thanks for the review, I think I picked the wrong style for this poem. I changed it, but you don't have to review, Ithink I will scrap this and start again. My mom is French, so I keep my poems simple, cheers, j

Comment from rama devi

Good

Amusing, original and skillfully crafted! Some great unique rhymes as well! Fine flow in most lines but there is one line where, reading aloud, it feels it needs a beat:


*
I might take a sled, pulled by dogs,

Suggest:
I might take a sled that's pulled by dogs,


And the meter may need mild tweaking in a couple of spots:

The scansion sounds forced on the word Biplane:

Biplane, steam train, or palanquin,

This I suggest:


By plane, steam train, or palanquin,

*
On the back of an elephant.

Meter seems off to my ear--may be just my diction but I suggest:

On the back of elephant.

or

On back of a big elephant.


Love the whimsy here:

I might, don't tell me that I can't.

* Superb medley of alliterative and consonant W in the last four lines (note one spag):


Wait for my knock,(no ,) upon your door,
arriving from my whirlwind tour.
Whichever way, I won't relent,
I cross the world.


I really enjoyed your poem and it has potential to be worthy of six stars but needs fine tuning. happy to re-review if you revise.

I also applaud your tasteful presentation with interesting artwork.

Loved the poem!

Bravo

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 18-Oct-2016

---

reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016

Thanks for the insightful review and clever corrections. I think I picked the wrong style for this poem. I made some changes, but think I'll scrap this one. My mom is French, so I keep my poems simples. Thanks rama, namaste, j

reply by rama devi on 18-Oct-2016

Thanks for your kind and gracious response to my review. It's always best to give it time. Scrap it for now, if you like, but I nudge you to return to it after some days and weeks, as you may see it in a fresh light.

I think the Rondeau form suits the theme well...ust needs tweaking for flow and meter...

Namaste and Love, rd

reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016

Good advice. This one might just pop up again, reworked. Ha ha. namaste friend, judester

reply by rama devi on 18-Oct-2016

:-)))))