Shore leave
A hallowed eve of tropic joy65 total reviews
Comment from William Ross
very good, I remember shore leave in a few countries. Good rhyming, flows and reads great. Nicely done. Billions of prayers, how many can he fill.thanks for the share , have a wonderful day
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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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very good, I remember shore leave in a few countries. Good rhyming, flows and reads great. Nicely done. Billions of prayers, how many can he fill.thanks for the share , have a wonderful day
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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Thank you very much for taking the time to drop by to read and review my poem, William. Much appreciated. Tony
Comment from RGstar
At the start, I thought, OK, the usual alliteration, good word usage, but as I read on, I saw how the words complimented and fit like puzzle pieces into each other.
The imagery is immense.
''The magenta mangosteen,
a short-lived tropic queen,
leather skinned but sweet within,
white-pulped flesh sucked from the stone,
juices dripping, putrid brown
to stain and mock the bridal gown''
The above is superb, my favorite.
''A cradled sampan's rocking,
its painted eyes are mocking,
and it's knocking,''
One line, I thought could have done without what is already evident, and too, I think slows the dynamics of the overall delivery with one word'' are.''
For me, not needed, as the aura and speed of thought through the thought, definitely slows there and even detracts from the superb lyricism there.
Much rather see '' its painted eyes mocking''
However, with or without, a well devised write, effort and style on display.
Bravo.
RGstar
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
 |
At the start, I thought, OK, the usual alliteration, good word usage, but as I read on, I saw how the words complimented and fit like puzzle pieces into each other.
The imagery is immense.
''The magenta mangosteen,
a short-lived tropic queen,
leather skinned but sweet within,
white-pulped flesh sucked from the stone,
juices dripping, putrid brown
to stain and mock the bridal gown''
The above is superb, my favorite.
''A cradled sampan's rocking,
its painted eyes are mocking,
and it's knocking,''
One line, I thought could have done without what is already evident, and too, I think slows the dynamics of the overall delivery with one word'' are.''
For me, not needed, as the aura and speed of thought through the thought, definitely slows there and even detracts from the superb lyricism there.
Much rather see '' its painted eyes mocking''
However, with or without, a well devised write, effort and style on display.
Bravo.
RGstar
Comment Written 16-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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Very many thanks for this highly supportive review and six stars, Roy - also for your suggestion. Much appreciated, Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Tony. I knew as soon as I finished the first stanza that I would like this poem a lot. Well, after all it was by you and I have always enjoyed your stuff anyway, LOL
This got me though:
"A still night, a quiet night,
with humid, listless air,
Frangipani fragrance,
moonlight's wanton stare."
And this...."with innocence surprised,
and arms outstretched
to flail the heavy-scented air
that's lifting up my moonlit prayer
to God alone knows where."
Bravo, my friend! Bob
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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Hi, Tony. I knew as soon as I finished the first stanza that I would like this poem a lot. Well, after all it was by you and I have always enjoyed your stuff anyway, LOL
This got me though:
"A still night, a quiet night,
with humid, listless air,
Frangipani fragrance,
moonlight's wanton stare."
And this...."with innocence surprised,
and arms outstretched
to flail the heavy-scented air
that's lifting up my moonlit prayer
to God alone knows where."
Bravo, my friend! Bob
Comment Written 16-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
-
Thank you very much for taking the time to drop by to read and review my poem, Bob.
I appreciate your award of six stars!
Tony
Comment from rama devi
It's always a treat to see you name in my inbox, Tony, because I am certain to find a well rhymed, well timed, finely nuance, phonetically-textured write that's fun to read aloud, musically sound and masterfully penned. This one is no exception. Very fine personification as well.
Rather than list all nuances (so many) I'll just quote my favorite lines and a suggestion or two:
Frangipani fragrance,
moonlight's wanton stare.
I thought perhaps you might find a more subtly descriptive word to replace slowly when talking about the fans. Example (with alliteration too):
Lazy fans swing slowly,
Lazy fans swing leisurely,
Unique voicing and fine alliteration and slant rhyme:
and deities forgotten
mid detritus that's rotting
upon the harbour shore,
Compelling imagery:
and here the urchin children play,
whose searching eyes
alight today
upon an amputated doll,
a broken, pink-cheeked, plastic moll
with innocence surprised,
Outstanding dramatic closing:
and arms outstretched
to flail the heavy-scented air
that's lifting up my moonlit prayer
to God alone knows where.
God alone knows where.
Glad I have a six.
Kudos.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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It's always a treat to see you name in my inbox, Tony, because I am certain to find a well rhymed, well timed, finely nuance, phonetically-textured write that's fun to read aloud, musically sound and masterfully penned. This one is no exception. Very fine personification as well.
Rather than list all nuances (so many) I'll just quote my favorite lines and a suggestion or two:
Frangipani fragrance,
moonlight's wanton stare.
I thought perhaps you might find a more subtly descriptive word to replace slowly when talking about the fans. Example (with alliteration too):
Lazy fans swing slowly,
Lazy fans swing leisurely,
Unique voicing and fine alliteration and slant rhyme:
and deities forgotten
mid detritus that's rotting
upon the harbour shore,
Compelling imagery:
and here the urchin children play,
whose searching eyes
alight today
upon an amputated doll,
a broken, pink-cheeked, plastic moll
with innocence surprised,
Outstanding dramatic closing:
and arms outstretched
to flail the heavy-scented air
that's lifting up my moonlit prayer
to God alone knows where.
God alone knows where.
Glad I have a six.
Kudos.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 16-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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Very many thanks for this highly supportive review and six stars, RD - also for your suggestion. Much appreciated, Best wishes, Tony
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My pleasure, Tony. Best Wishes, rd
Comment from Pantygynt
Definitely something different here for halloween. Rich in rhyme but without a regularised scheme to hang your hat on. This has a sort of organised chaos that reflects the harbour's apparently chaotic feel, but we should remember that everyone involved actually has a clear idea of where they are going and that is God alone knows where.
Typical of a far eastern waterfront as I remember them
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
|
Definitely something different here for halloween. Rich in rhyme but without a regularised scheme to hang your hat on. This has a sort of organised chaos that reflects the harbour's apparently chaotic feel, but we should remember that everyone involved actually has a clear idea of where they are going and that is God alone knows where.
Typical of a far eastern waterfront as I remember them
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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Many thanks for reading and commenting on this one, Jim. I had in the back of my mind the Singapore River as it was in my childhood, although the photograph is of a boat village in a Hong Kong estuary. Organised chaos indeed!
