The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 46 "Mouse! Mouse!"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
21 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
Howdy Sis.
I love the title. In Australia, in the tropics we have some monster sized mice and roaches, but here, in the Philippines the roaches are the size of mice and the mice and rats are the size of cats! We have on in the bathroom which is braver than me. Even when I banged it on the head with a dipping pale, it just stood and stared at me! Think I'll get Champers to escort me next time I have to go.
"She ran around for a few seconds, then jumped on top of a desk, pointing toward a dark corner. " (Hahahaha! Werewolves... no probs, mice... eeeeeck!)
"and even each other in an attempt to create chaos." (Yep! I'm a bit slow in the head.)
"Oh my gosh, are you people serious? Don't tell me you've caused all this racket over a stupid rodent." (Then lend me your black cat ! Bruha! (Witch!)
" She fell to the ground with a loud, painful thud.
"Crap." (Yep! Stupid tree root.)
"The teller dropped Tina's arm, and screamed like he'd seen, well, a werewolf." (Brilliant placement.)
"Oh okay, well, I'll carry you until me(we) meet up with him, then we can go to your house to make your call."
"He turned and looked at Tina to gauge her reaction. He was surprised to find her smiling in awe." (I bet.)
Another very entertaining chapter. It's really good to see they have some allies from the other side.
It's progressing very nicely.
Great job.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Howdy Sis.
I love the title. In Australia, in the tropics we have some monster sized mice and roaches, but here, in the Philippines the roaches are the size of mice and the mice and rats are the size of cats! We have on in the bathroom which is braver than me. Even when I banged it on the head with a dipping pale, it just stood and stared at me! Think I'll get Champers to escort me next time I have to go.
"She ran around for a few seconds, then jumped on top of a desk, pointing toward a dark corner. " (Hahahaha! Werewolves... no probs, mice... eeeeeck!)
"and even each other in an attempt to create chaos." (Yep! I'm a bit slow in the head.)
"Oh my gosh, are you people serious? Don't tell me you've caused all this racket over a stupid rodent." (Then lend me your black cat ! Bruha! (Witch!)
" She fell to the ground with a loud, painful thud.
"Crap." (Yep! Stupid tree root.)
"The teller dropped Tina's arm, and screamed like he'd seen, well, a werewolf." (Brilliant placement.)
"Oh okay, well, I'll carry you until me(we) meet up with him, then we can go to your house to make your call."
"He turned and looked at Tina to gauge her reaction. He was surprised to find her smiling in awe." (I bet.)
Another very entertaining chapter. It's really good to see they have some allies from the other side.
It's progressing very nicely.
Great job.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 03-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Padna!
The line by line review is so very helpful, and makes me miss you reviewing all the time. Makes me miss your book as well.
Enough sappy business. Back to the giant mice... wow, good thing you have Champers to guard you. I'll bet she can back them down!!
Thanks for making me smile,
Rhonda
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lol. Champers? She saw one the other night and screamed like a banchee until I came and bashed it hahahaha! Remember that poem I wrote about the lion/ Champers? Well, it should have been about a chicken! Don't tell her I said that or she'll make me take her to Jolibee and play in the indoor playground again!
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I do remember that poem. I'm sure she earned it when attacking you. Daddy's are always fair game! haha.
Comment from boxergirl
Hi Rhonda, Great job with the continuation of your story line. I like how Kurt came to rescue Tina. I think she's becoming mesmerized by him! :-)
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Hi Rhonda, Great job with the continuation of your story line. I like how Kurt came to rescue Tina. I think she's becoming mesmerized by him! :-)
Comment Written 14-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Thank you so much for the review and comments! Kurt is quite the rescuer, or is now, anyway! Poor Tina just can seem to stay out of the line of fire!
Thanks again
Rhonda
Comment from rspoet
The old Mouse that Roared, or at least created a lot of confusion.
Rasha grabs a fire extinguisher,
a witch or werewolf extinguisher would have been better,
but they are in rather short supply;
Perhaps, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, she'll spray the witch
and she'll start melting, melting...
It would be a new item on the school lunch menu: a witch melt.
Back to the story, Theo seems to have become an ally,
it seems the "nice" werewolves are having second thoughts.
I loved Matilda's reaction: "you can't be series...Idiots."
And Tina, the kids will love the part where the store clerk
screams "like he'd seen, well, a werewolf" and runs!
Well done
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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The old Mouse that Roared, or at least created a lot of confusion.
Rasha grabs a fire extinguisher,
a witch or werewolf extinguisher would have been better,
but they are in rather short supply;
Perhaps, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, she'll spray the witch
and she'll start melting, melting...
It would be a new item on the school lunch menu: a witch melt.
Back to the story, Theo seems to have become an ally,
it seems the "nice" werewolves are having second thoughts.
I loved Matilda's reaction: "you can't be series...Idiots."
And Tina, the kids will love the part where the store clerk
screams "like he'd seen, well, a werewolf" and runs!
Well done
Comment Written 11-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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Thank you for the detailed review, and for the wonderful six stars. Your support has been an ungoing blessing to this book!! I'll have to give you a dedication once the book is published.
Or maybe name a werewolf pup after you. Lol, really I so appreciate you help.
Thank you, again,
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
- A good chapter that begins with chaos and ends with suspense and friendship.
- The mouse plan worked, as students all pitched in even though some didn't think there was a mouse in the first place.
-I'm sure they figured there was a reason for it.
-Julia and Rasha were very resourceful and Theo seemed docile, as he paid attention to Rasha when she signaled to be quiet about the blanket.
-Good transition from this scene to Tina. "When would it end?" she questions as the teller is still after her.
-She is doing pretty well outdistancing him, then, down she went. Luckily, her ankle wasn't sprained or broken. That's what I figured. If it was sprained, she went on anyway.
-Just when it seems doom is a sure thing as the teller grabs her arm, a voice calls out to let her go.
-Luckily, it was Kurt. He seems to be leaning to Tina's side,but he does want to make sure she is safe, and is going to carry her until her brother arrives.
-I thought it was interesting that she wanted to see him change into his human form. That was an interesting description, especially when Tina wanted him to do it again!
-Will she ever get in touch with Emory Settler? It's looking more like it, but who knows what will happen between now and then:)
-I have a question: is the guy after Tina a teller or a clerk?
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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- A good chapter that begins with chaos and ends with suspense and friendship.
- The mouse plan worked, as students all pitched in even though some didn't think there was a mouse in the first place.
-I'm sure they figured there was a reason for it.
-Julia and Rasha were very resourceful and Theo seemed docile, as he paid attention to Rasha when she signaled to be quiet about the blanket.
-Good transition from this scene to Tina. "When would it end?" she questions as the teller is still after her.
-She is doing pretty well outdistancing him, then, down she went. Luckily, her ankle wasn't sprained or broken. That's what I figured. If it was sprained, she went on anyway.
-Just when it seems doom is a sure thing as the teller grabs her arm, a voice calls out to let her go.
-Luckily, it was Kurt. He seems to be leaning to Tina's side,but he does want to make sure she is safe, and is going to carry her until her brother arrives.
-I thought it was interesting that she wanted to see him change into his human form. That was an interesting description, especially when Tina wanted him to do it again!
-Will she ever get in touch with Emory Settler? It's looking more like it, but who knows what will happen between now and then:)
-I have a question: is the guy after Tina a teller or a clerk?
Comment Written 11-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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I was supposed to go back and change that. Clerk is what he's supposed to be, sorry. I guess I was trying to make him a banker. Haha.
Thank you for your very detailed review, and I would love to comment on each part, but it's been a long day, and I'm about to go to sleep. I do thank you for the six stars and the wonderful review.
As I was telling rspoet, I'm going to have to give you two a dedication in the book when I go to publish it. In fact, there are many on thus site who have been so supportive, but some more than others, if you know what I mean..
Good night,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome for the review, as always, Rhonda. I understand about needing sleep so your response is fine. I didn't think he was a banker:) Thank you for the nice compliment, and I do know what you mean. Have a good day.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A good story. Everyone's a werewolf or a vampire these days. Dean Kuch must be celebrating It's just like his family reunion.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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A good story. Everyone's a werewolf or a vampire these days. Dean Kuch must be celebrating It's just like his family reunion.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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Now that's funny!! I'm guessing he's in ghoul heaven right now!! Lol.
Thanks for the review, my friend!!
Rhonda
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Rhonda a great story how the kids come up with the idea of a mouse to disrupt things and the werewolf. Then, there is Tina Alice and her trying to call her brother to come and get her. It looks like Kurt is watching out for her. Nice move Rhonda!!
Well done as always! I just got home from a fifteenbday road trip and I flew in from Vegas at 12:30 this morning. Very tired and way behind with my reviewing.
Take care and enjoy the day my friend,,,,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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Rhonda a great story how the kids come up with the idea of a mouse to disrupt things and the werewolf. Then, there is Tina Alice and her trying to call her brother to come and get her. It looks like Kurt is watching out for her. Nice move Rhonda!!
Well done as always! I just got home from a fifteenbday road trip and I flew in from Vegas at 12:30 this morning. Very tired and way behind with my reviewing.
Take care and enjoy the day my friend,,,,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 11-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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I'm glad you got to get out and have fun, my friend!! I hope all went well.
Thanks for picking back up on the story. Not much has happened since you were gone, though you were missed.
Take care,
Rhonda
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Rhonda, the time my friend spent on the road did so much for my mindset. We traveled through 8 states. Met so many good people and got into Vegas on Friday, September 30th and I stayed with my son and his family and flew home on this past Monday! I'm recharged now!!
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Sounds like a wonderful trip and I know your heart is lightened by the friendship! Take care, my friend.
Comment from Heidi M
That imagined mouse came in handy. They got a lot accomplished with the distraction.
I've never liked werewolves, but you have managed to make Kurt likeable.
'until (w)e meet'
I enjoyed this chapter in your story.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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That imagined mouse came in handy. They got a lot accomplished with the distraction.
I've never liked werewolves, but you have managed to make Kurt likeable.
'until (w)e meet'
I enjoyed this chapter in your story.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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Thank you, Heidi. Kurt and his "people" are metaphors for certain elements in society that feel they have to behave a certain way because that's the world they grew up in, but find they can make theirn own choices. As ab YA book, I try to get the kids to think about their own world through the context of supernatural beings. It gives them a chance to distance themselves from the conflict, but carry away the message.
Thanks so much for reading, my friend. I value your opinion!
Rhonda
Comment from MelB
Hi Rhonda, this is a very nice chapter. Good imagery, descriptions, and dialogue. I look forward to what happens next.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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Hi Rhonda, this is a very nice chapter. Good imagery, descriptions, and dialogue. I look forward to what happens next.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2016
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Thanks so much, I am working furiously on it!!
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You're welcome.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, great chapter. I like this story a lot although I'm not in to werewolves at all. But your story is endearing. Great imagery and great dialogue. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2016
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Hi Rhonda, great chapter. I like this story a lot although I'm not in to werewolves at all. But your story is endearing. Great imagery and great dialogue. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 10-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2016
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Thanks so much, Ulla. I know you don't like the fantasy creatures, and I so appreciate your reviewing anyway. And as I've said before, the werewolves, and all the other creatures, are just metaphors for diversity. They are an attempt to teach kids that there are good and bad in all people, and not everyone is what they seem to be.
Thanks for the beautiful six stars, my friend!!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
Good tension in the piece and nice to have it focused on the young ones, they make a good addition to the overall story telling.
"Mouse! mouse!" Belle screeched - second mouse should also be capitalised.
Tina lie stunned for a moment - lay rather than lie.
She rose slowly and painfully to her feet - watch the adverbs here. You could write around them. 'Easing herself to her feet she winced as she regained her footing' or 'Her ankle protested when she tried to put weight on it, but Tina knew she had to keep going'. Just some thoughts.
Breathing in the comforting aromas of nature, Tina tried to forget her discomfort - maybe look at an alternative here for the comfort references. reassuring aromas perhaps.
The teller dropped Tina's arm, and screamed like he'd seen, well, a werewolf. "You can have her. She's nothing but trouble, anyway." - Not so sure here that the teller would have been so coherent following his screaming / terror at a werewolf.
He's on a four wheeler." - maybe in rather than on.
we can go to your house to make to make your call - delete one set of 'to make' from this sentence.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2016
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Hi Rhonda,
Good tension in the piece and nice to have it focused on the young ones, they make a good addition to the overall story telling.
"Mouse! mouse!" Belle screeched - second mouse should also be capitalised.
Tina lie stunned for a moment - lay rather than lie.
She rose slowly and painfully to her feet - watch the adverbs here. You could write around them. 'Easing herself to her feet she winced as she regained her footing' or 'Her ankle protested when she tried to put weight on it, but Tina knew she had to keep going'. Just some thoughts.
Breathing in the comforting aromas of nature, Tina tried to forget her discomfort - maybe look at an alternative here for the comfort references. reassuring aromas perhaps.
The teller dropped Tina's arm, and screamed like he'd seen, well, a werewolf. "You can have her. She's nothing but trouble, anyway." - Not so sure here that the teller would have been so coherent following his screaming / terror at a werewolf.
He's on a four wheeler." - maybe in rather than on.
we can go to your house to make to make your call - delete one set of 'to make' from this sentence.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2016
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Thank you, my friend. I like the suggestions, and I wasn't comfortable with the slowly, painfully, thing, but never addressed it, so thanks for that. The other suggestions were great as well!
I appreciate you,
Rhonda
