Tin Cup
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "All Things Come To An End"An American Civil War vet heads west.
13 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
A very good way to wind a story up, an epilogue set far in the future of the last major action scene. I think a closing quote mark or two was missing, but this read smoothly for me, dialect and all, and tied up the loose ends of the story. Not a real good reflection on the Army of that era....
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2017
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A very good way to wind a story up, an epilogue set far in the future of the last major action scene. I think a closing quote mark or two was missing, but this read smoothly for me, dialect and all, and tied up the loose ends of the story. Not a real good reflection on the Army of that era....
Comment Written 08-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2017
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Thanks Red,
D.
Comment from LaRosa
Believable turn of events in this chapter.
The writer's descriptive and reverie moments are believable.
Reader is left wondering whether Jess isn't really having another dream. Will he wake up?
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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Believable turn of events in this chapter.
The writer's descriptive and reverie moments are believable.
Reader is left wondering whether Jess isn't really having another dream. Will he wake up?
Comment Written 17-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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Thank you for your kind review and belief that this chapter deserves such high marks. I really appreciate you going back to read the whole story.
Comment from crybry67
This is very well written, and I enjoyed reading it. The dialogue flows easily, and your characters are relatable.
Truthfully, this is a first for me. I've read lots of stories about love and relationships, just not from the man's perspective. It's a refreshing change.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2016
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This is very well written, and I enjoyed reading it. The dialogue flows easily, and your characters are relatable.
Truthfully, this is a first for me. I've read lots of stories about love and relationships, just not from the man's perspective. It's a refreshing change.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2016
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Thank you very much for your review and your comments.
DeLaHay
Comment from Lu Saluna
Falling in love can feel like a very precarious adventure and this chapter clearly shows how Jess has self doubt about how he can care for a woman in his life but happy all at the same time. The ever foreboding feeling of "the father" very evident but quickly dissipating when Jess wants to marry Helga.
Very well written, poignant and full of hope. Having read this chapter without reading the ones before it I certainly wish to read them all now and continue reading the rest of the work to follow.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2016
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Falling in love can feel like a very precarious adventure and this chapter clearly shows how Jess has self doubt about how he can care for a woman in his life but happy all at the same time. The ever foreboding feeling of "the father" very evident but quickly dissipating when Jess wants to marry Helga.
Very well written, poignant and full of hope. Having read this chapter without reading the ones before it I certainly wish to read them all now and continue reading the rest of the work to follow.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2016
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Thank you for your review and your comments.
DeLaHay
Comment from J Patience
This situation was quite fortuitous. I don't know quite how previous chapters went, but there doesn't seem to be much in the manner of conflict and suspense here. It sounds like a section (because of the word Finally) that's summing-up a chapter that was fairly harrowing, so this is like the "relief" after that, I suppose. Considering this, I think the body of this piece could be filled-out and leave the reader with more satisfaction if inner-thoughts or descriptions of facial expression or body language is added. Perhaps his apprehension about the father returning any minute or something could make the fact that he left on purpose even more of a relief. I have few images in my head from this, though I am happy things are turning out for the main character. It flows nicely and clearly, but would be nicer if it read more richly.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2016
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This situation was quite fortuitous. I don't know quite how previous chapters went, but there doesn't seem to be much in the manner of conflict and suspense here. It sounds like a section (because of the word Finally) that's summing-up a chapter that was fairly harrowing, so this is like the "relief" after that, I suppose. Considering this, I think the body of this piece could be filled-out and leave the reader with more satisfaction if inner-thoughts or descriptions of facial expression or body language is added. Perhaps his apprehension about the father returning any minute or something could make the fact that he left on purpose even more of a relief. I have few images in my head from this, though I am happy things are turning out for the main character. It flows nicely and clearly, but would be nicer if it read more richly.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2016
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Thank you for your review. You would probably get a lot more out of the story if you read in order You know chapter 1,2,3. etc. It was never supposed to be read as a body of work by reading chapter 8.It would be impossible to judge what you're reading from one chapter and making your assumptions. Thanks
DeLaHay
Comment from Redhead12323
I love the plot of the story and think it would be a wonderful book to read but I had trouble understanding who was the one talking
I love it so much I can't wait for moreš???
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2016
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I love the plot of the story and think it would be a wonderful book to read but I had trouble understanding who was the one talking
I love it so much I can't wait for moreš???
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2016
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I thought the synopsis would have explained this was about a man named Jess. This body
of work was written in first person. If you decide to start reading at chapter 8, then all you can judge is chapter 8. it would be making assumptions.
DeLaHay
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Well, I do love uplifting stories and what is more uplifting than young love. Hard to believe a father would set a guy up like that just to marry his daughter off, but back then I think a father would have to worry about his daughter if anything happened to him. I enjoyed this chapter very much. Well done. Nancy
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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Well, I do love uplifting stories and what is more uplifting than young love. Hard to believe a father would set a guy up like that just to marry his daughter off, but back then I think a father would have to worry about his daughter if anything happened to him. I enjoyed this chapter very much. Well done. Nancy
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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It is a kind of unusual attitude for a father but I was going with the idea that Abe would be worried about what would happen to his daughter is he wasn't there to look after her. Good men would be few and far between where they are. Thank you for reading and keeping up with Jess.
Comment from barkingdog
What has Jess gotten himself into now? haha
Knowing his usual bad luck, I feel what he took for good fortune may have been a ploy that will turn his life back to misfortune, maybe even danger.
Abe wants him for something ...
Nice final hook. I can't wait to read more.
:) e
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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What has Jess gotten himself into now? haha
Knowing his usual bad luck, I feel what he took for good fortune may have been a ploy that will turn his life back to misfortune, maybe even danger.
Abe wants him for something ...
Nice final hook. I can't wait to read more.
:) e
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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I'm kind of making this up as I go along so I'm not even sure what Jess has gotten himself into. I was thinking that Abe is worried about what would happen to his daughter if anything happened to him. Thank you for reading and for your feedback.
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Is there anything unfinished from his past? If so, you'd need to bring that back somehow. Is Abe a good guy or does he have some side-deal going? I don't know him that well yet, so his character could go in any direction.
Let him take you where he wants to go. Even a fellow of questionable character would want the best for his daughter. Is there a reason that he might not think he's going to be around very long?
Good luck with this. You've done very well so far. I'm sure you will continue. :) e
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How Barking Dog,
Me no kill Jess yet!
DeLaHay
Comment from Jay Squires
You know, I really like this story, Ward. I wasn't sure about the first chapter of it. I kept wanting to make it a current war he was returning from. Remember? That was because you were writing more of those than anything. Once I made the transition, though, I was enthralled with your style.
As we fell into each others arms, we tore at each others clothes in a frenzy. [As we fell in EACH OTHER'S arms ..." Same correction needed for the other one. I would suggest reworking that sentence, though to keep from using the same thing twice.]
I knew that I had never really loved Dallas, she just represented a dream of what I had always wanted, a home, family. [You can eliminate the "that" here. But you also need to replace the comma after Dallas with a semi-colon, a period, or (strangely enough), take the aforementioned "that" and slip it in after Dallas. It prevents the second half of the sentence from being a complete sentence. Remember, you can't separate two 'complete sentences' with a comma (a run-on sentence).
or he would not have left us along. [Did you mean 'alone' here?]
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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You know, I really like this story, Ward. I wasn't sure about the first chapter of it. I kept wanting to make it a current war he was returning from. Remember? That was because you were writing more of those than anything. Once I made the transition, though, I was enthralled with your style.
As we fell into each others arms, we tore at each others clothes in a frenzy. [As we fell in EACH OTHER'S arms ..." Same correction needed for the other one. I would suggest reworking that sentence, though to keep from using the same thing twice.]
I knew that I had never really loved Dallas, she just represented a dream of what I had always wanted, a home, family. [You can eliminate the "that" here. But you also need to replace the comma after Dallas with a semi-colon, a period, or (strangely enough), take the aforementioned "that" and slip it in after Dallas. It prevents the second half of the sentence from being a complete sentence. Remember, you can't separate two 'complete sentences' with a comma (a run-on sentence).
or he would not have left us along. [Did you mean 'alone' here?]
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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I'm a little puzzled because I believe I had already changed the 'along' to 'alone' and the "tore at each other's clothes" earlier. I had to change the last part because I had stated earlier that Helga didn't have any clothes on. A couple of others had pointed out the 'along'. I wondered about the semi-colon but I am never sure about when to use those. I'll look it over again. I really appreciate your comments. If you get a chance, could you let me know if I improved it any?
Comment from Heidi M
I am surprised at the dad's actions, but they are a long way from any other men for Helga to meet and marry. He has been around Jess a few days, though, and believed he was the man for his daughter.
For your consideration:
'deeper that reaches into one's soul and make(s) a person believe': verb agreement reaches and makes
'He soon became much more serious, though, he told me he hoped he hadn't been wrong about me' I would suggest inserting 'when' so it reads: more serious, though, when he told me
Good job with this chapter!
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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I am surprised at the dad's actions, but they are a long way from any other men for Helga to meet and marry. He has been around Jess a few days, though, and believed he was the man for his daughter.
For your consideration:
'deeper that reaches into one's soul and make(s) a person believe': verb agreement reaches and makes
'He soon became much more serious, though, he told me he hoped he hadn't been wrong about me' I would suggest inserting 'when' so it reads: more serious, though, when he told me
Good job with this chapter!
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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I agree with your suggestions and made a couple of changes. Thank you for the feedback.
