Alice
Reincarnation with Evil, the struggle is real.10 total reviews
Comment from oliver818
Interesting story. I especially found your comments interesting about what your four year old son said. Kids come out with some amazing things sometimes. Hard to deal with. Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Interesting story. I especially found your comments interesting about what your four year old son said. Kids come out with some amazing things sometimes. Hard to deal with. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Kids do throw you for a loop sometimes. I have many stories to tell that are borderline spooky!
Comment from Mary Wakeford
This was an intriguing read, kind if reminding of a series called This Time That Time by Sandra. Your story definitely has a more sinister angle to it with devil possession theme. We can only hope in the end, good trumps evil.
A few nits noted:
*together, I had never, ever, tried to killed [kill]her, I had not even considered
In notes:
*He could not be calmed and was angry that I didn't remember when [we] used to live.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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This was an intriguing read, kind if reminding of a series called This Time That Time by Sandra. Your story definitely has a more sinister angle to it with devil possession theme. We can only hope in the end, good trumps evil.
A few nits noted:
*together, I had never, ever, tried to killed [kill]her, I had not even considered
In notes:
*He could not be calmed and was angry that I didn't remember when [we] used to live.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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this time that time--by Sandra. Is that a fanstory thing? Or a book? I am pretty new to here and it is exciting to see different things and works. I fixed the nits! Thank you for that! (typos that I spell right, confuse the machine--my biggest struggle some days!)
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
This was really entertaining, TollyFaye. An original premise for a write with a nice twist at the end ... what a great entry for the Paranormal Flash Fiction contest! Equally intriguing were your author notes about your son and his reaction to the Buffalo. Gave me goosebumps!
I love surprise endings, and your ending is really terrific! I really liked how you make mention that in each lifetime mother and daughter switch places as mother and daughter. Your examples of the horrible deeds (burning in the cabin/youngster sent to brothel) really conveyed a 'demon seed' persona to your reader.
Well done! Good luck in the contest!
Connie
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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This was really entertaining, TollyFaye. An original premise for a write with a nice twist at the end ... what a great entry for the Paranormal Flash Fiction contest! Equally intriguing were your author notes about your son and his reaction to the Buffalo. Gave me goosebumps!
I love surprise endings, and your ending is really terrific! I really liked how you make mention that in each lifetime mother and daughter switch places as mother and daughter. Your examples of the horrible deeds (burning in the cabin/youngster sent to brothel) really conveyed a 'demon seed' persona to your reader.
Well done! Good luck in the contest!
Connie
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Falling on the floor, shut the front door, thank you for your wonderful review!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good solid tale here although it is one of the problems with first person present tense that it feels a bit more like telling than showing. Hard to avoid. It could possibly do with being broken up a bit more with dialogue which would help with the telling aspect as well.
"This life, she brags to me, - you need closing speech marks after life,
"Thank the Lord", - the punctuation should be inside the speech marks.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Hi there,
Good solid tale here although it is one of the problems with first person present tense that it feels a bit more like telling than showing. Hard to avoid. It could possibly do with being broken up a bit more with dialogue which would help with the telling aspect as well.
"This life, she brags to me, - you need closing speech marks after life,
"Thank the Lord", - the punctuation should be inside the speech marks.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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First person is probably not the best choice. I struggled to keep it under 1000 words. Off to fix typos, thank you for your review!
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It's a difficult choice deciding on the narration style I find. I used to write a lot in first person and do still utilise it occasionally, but I find third person more versatile.
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I think that might be the best thing about this site. Following the prompts and testing some styles. I know I am growing from the feedback that I get, and as i write new stuff I reflect from it!
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Yep, it is definitely s good place to try things out and stretch as writer. I know my writing has improved greatly since I joined and have achieved publication through the traditional route which I am proud of. FanStory is my playground to develop for other venues.
There are some great reviewers here who can really help you if you can get them to read your work and some fantastic writers too.
Comment from Heidi M
This is excellent. Your first sentence hits the reader point-blank. I was pulled in immediately.
The last sentence has the hook: Alice has felt trapped all those years. The whole situation is a conundrum. There is no good solution.
For your consideration: 'found people (who) were in dire straights'
'never once felt like I had made much of a difference' I would recommend deleting 'had' because it waters down the next words.
'Alice slept with the jewelry man. She was fifteen years old. But the jewelry man is not enough.' There is a change in tense here. 'slept' and 'was' are past tense, but 'is' switches to present tense. Either is fine, you just want it to be consistent throughout your story.
This is a great paranormal flash fiction.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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This is excellent. Your first sentence hits the reader point-blank. I was pulled in immediately.
The last sentence has the hook: Alice has felt trapped all those years. The whole situation is a conundrum. There is no good solution.
For your consideration: 'found people (who) were in dire straights'
'never once felt like I had made much of a difference' I would recommend deleting 'had' because it waters down the next words.
'Alice slept with the jewelry man. She was fifteen years old. But the jewelry man is not enough.' There is a change in tense here. 'slept' and 'was' are past tense, but 'is' switches to present tense. Either is fine, you just want it to be consistent throughout your story.
This is a great paranormal flash fiction.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Thank you! I will incorporate your suggestions very soon!
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
I believe.
Someday we need to compare notes.
This is very spooky and I loved the twist at the end/
Very well written and no problems that I noted.
Good luck, I think this is a strong entry
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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I believe.
Someday we need to compare notes.
This is very spooky and I loved the twist at the end/
Very well written and no problems that I noted.
Good luck, I think this is a strong entry
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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I would love to note compare someday! Thank you for your review!
Comment from damommy
Good story. Held me all the way through. Very interesting how you switched them mother/daughter/mother, etc.
I agree. Sometimes, evil seems to triumph, but not in the long run. 8-)
Just a few punctuations that need correcting:
For centuries[,]
life[.] I ran from the brothel found nuns, grew up, married a nice fellow, brought peace and joy to others[,] and tried to balance out the evil she was spreading.
worked against the Devil[.]
being good and pure[] is expecting the best
suspects how evil she is,
"This life,["] she brags to me, " is even better than the last, Mom, you provided me with a congregation[.] I just have to lead them to the man downstairs."
Alice doesn't see it coming[] when I suddenly veer[ed] off the road and [sped] towards a tree.
had never, ever, tried to killed her[.]
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Good story. Held me all the way through. Very interesting how you switched them mother/daughter/mother, etc.
I agree. Sometimes, evil seems to triumph, but not in the long run. 8-)
Just a few punctuations that need correcting:
For centuries[,]
life[.] I ran from the brothel found nuns, grew up, married a nice fellow, brought peace and joy to others[,] and tried to balance out the evil she was spreading.
worked against the Devil[.]
being good and pure[] is expecting the best
suspects how evil she is,
"This life,["] she brags to me, " is even better than the last, Mom, you provided me with a congregation[.] I just have to lead them to the man downstairs."
Alice doesn't see it coming[] when I suddenly veer[ed] off the road and [sped] towards a tree.
had never, ever, tried to killed her[.]
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Thank you! I am very rusty at the writing and will fix these things. I appreciate the time you have taken on my piece!
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Glad to do it. We all need help. 8-)
Comment from Alex Rosel
This time I am Alice's mother. - What a great short, sharp opening paragraph. It's a statement that's bound to intrigue :-)
...Getting in good with the devil. - That's not a phrase I've heard before.
He rewarded her with money and power. - Typo?
In five years there are thirty-five thousand there. - This is an awkward sentence. I'd reword it along the lines of In five years the population grew to thirty-five thousand.
My goodness annoyed her. - This gives insight to both characters. It's a good example of the power of an economy of words :-)
I was pure and good in that life, as I have been in every life, I ran from the brothel found nuns, grew up, married a nice fellow, brought peace and joy to others and tried to balance the evil she was spreading. - Comma splice :-(
We changed lives living by example of what was good and pure. - I'm not sure what you mean by this.
I thought he would leave me if he knew the truth, it is the first time I have lied in any of my lives. - This is good crafting. Are you foreshadowing? If so, good. (However, you have another comma splice here.)
I know, that I know - Ugh!
Alice had talked her dad into five minutes of his hour long broadcast to be hers - This needs tightening. Perhaps this is better: Alice persuaded dad to allow her to speak for the last five minutes of his allotted hour long broadcast.
Before the ink was dry on the contract she slept with the jewelry man. - Ha, ha. A neat aside that gives punch :-)
She was still a child only fifteen. - A comma is needed after child.
Than what I did in Hollywood. - Ugh :-(
After all she most recently dropped me off at a brothel when I was eleven. - Typo?
"Thank the Lord", is the last thing she says moments before our deaths. "Killing me, brings you to the Devil, next life you are Alice and I am free!" - Ah, I didn't see that twist coming. Excellent.
Overall:
I think you need to tighten up your writing. But, the story has an excellent foundation. I enjoyed reading this. Well done, and good luck with the competition.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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This time I am Alice's mother. - What a great short, sharp opening paragraph. It's a statement that's bound to intrigue :-)
...Getting in good with the devil. - That's not a phrase I've heard before.
He rewarded her with money and power. - Typo?
In five years there are thirty-five thousand there. - This is an awkward sentence. I'd reword it along the lines of In five years the population grew to thirty-five thousand.
My goodness annoyed her. - This gives insight to both characters. It's a good example of the power of an economy of words :-)
I was pure and good in that life, as I have been in every life, I ran from the brothel found nuns, grew up, married a nice fellow, brought peace and joy to others and tried to balance the evil she was spreading. - Comma splice :-(
We changed lives living by example of what was good and pure. - I'm not sure what you mean by this.
I thought he would leave me if he knew the truth, it is the first time I have lied in any of my lives. - This is good crafting. Are you foreshadowing? If so, good. (However, you have another comma splice here.)
I know, that I know - Ugh!
Alice had talked her dad into five minutes of his hour long broadcast to be hers - This needs tightening. Perhaps this is better: Alice persuaded dad to allow her to speak for the last five minutes of his allotted hour long broadcast.
Before the ink was dry on the contract she slept with the jewelry man. - Ha, ha. A neat aside that gives punch :-)
She was still a child only fifteen. - A comma is needed after child.
Than what I did in Hollywood. - Ugh :-(
After all she most recently dropped me off at a brothel when I was eleven. - Typo?
"Thank the Lord", is the last thing she says moments before our deaths. "Killing me, brings you to the Devil, next life you are Alice and I am free!" - Ah, I didn't see that twist coming. Excellent.
Overall:
I think you need to tighten up your writing. But, the story has an excellent foundation. I enjoyed reading this. Well done, and good luck with the competition.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Thank you! I am using many of your edits, I greatly appreciate them!!
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My pleasure :-)
Comment from lindafisher
This is such a clever story and would make an excellent series of stories following the many lives of the characters. I would love to read more of the same.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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This is such a clever story and would make an excellent series of stories following the many lives of the characters. I would love to read more of the same.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Thank you! It would be interesting to delve into their lives.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. This is a very good plot and well told. Your only problem is you seem to do a lot of short fragmented sentences. It would sound better if you could connect some of the sentences and vary the lengths more. It makes it read kind of choppy this way. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Excellent. This is a very good plot and well told. Your only problem is you seem to do a lot of short fragmented sentences. It would sound better if you could connect some of the sentences and vary the lengths more. It makes it read kind of choppy this way. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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I will work on that. I struggled cutting down to under 1000 words. I think I hacked a lot!
