No Ending
Sometimes in life, there is no ending19 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Lois, thank you for sharing this story. I don't know how to say this without being direct with you. This short story read like a synopsis of a novel, something you would send to an editor to see if he would be interested in reading the whole novel. This should have been divided into scenes with dialogue between characters and the story would develop out of that. Instead the author tells the story. The reader doesn't know what Syd, Zoey, or Joe even look like, let alone how they feel, deep inside. Of course you come closer with Syd.
That said, Lois, what I've read, I see you have aptitude for being a good writer. You have the raw talent, and there are parts of your narrative that show really good descriptive skills. You seem to just need to relax and tell your story in more depth. I hope you don't think I'm being mean-spirited. I'm not. I've been writing for better than 60 years, though, and if there was ever a mistake to make, I made it--in spades! Now I'm trying to offer a new writer the value of my experience.
You'll notice I deducted a star for the nits. It's not permanent, though. If you let me know you've made the corrections (not accepted the suggestions, those are yours to decide about), I'll return your star.
Here are some specifics:
and then Gran said, "You probably [Need to bring this up to the previous line.]
So now, don't live your future wishing you had handled it differently." [I understand what the wise Gran meant, but is ambiguous. It could mean either the past or the future. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe she meant: "So now, don't live your future so that, WHEN YOU LOOK BACK, you'll wish you had handled it differently. I'm sure you can find a better way to put it, but I think it's what Gran meant. If not, I've wasted a heckova lot of space for my awkward gaff.]
to keep their son from a football scholarship," she had said. [Since you referred to mother and father in the first part, you shouldn't end with "she" had said. It could be "his mother" had said. That would work.
The guilt, sometimes, laid heavily on his shoulders. [The guilt, sometimes, LAY heavily on his shoulders. LAID means someone PHYSICALLY PLACED it on his shoulders.]
" Good holy crap!", she breathed. [You should never use an action for a speech tag. She can't "say" and "breath" something at the same time. Much better to use said, or thought.]
Two years later and she and Zoey were sprinting [Is your time-frame right? You said four years after Syd was pregnant Joe was playing football. Now it's two years after that ... which meant that Joe maintained his eligibility for a long time.]
Long about graduation this gets a tad confusing. Both are graduating, Syd after 4 years, Joe after 6 years, but unless I missed it you never mentioned that Joe even knew they were both at the same college until she called him.
What seems to have happened is toward the end you crammed too many activities in just a few paragraphs. Zoey's leaving with her dad and stepmom seemed to have a casual--oh well!--attitude about it. Actions were rushed and therefore not motivated. In my opinion this should have been a novel, not a short story.
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Lois, thank you for sharing this story. I don't know how to say this without being direct with you. This short story read like a synopsis of a novel, something you would send to an editor to see if he would be interested in reading the whole novel. This should have been divided into scenes with dialogue between characters and the story would develop out of that. Instead the author tells the story. The reader doesn't know what Syd, Zoey, or Joe even look like, let alone how they feel, deep inside. Of course you come closer with Syd.
That said, Lois, what I've read, I see you have aptitude for being a good writer. You have the raw talent, and there are parts of your narrative that show really good descriptive skills. You seem to just need to relax and tell your story in more depth. I hope you don't think I'm being mean-spirited. I'm not. I've been writing for better than 60 years, though, and if there was ever a mistake to make, I made it--in spades! Now I'm trying to offer a new writer the value of my experience.
You'll notice I deducted a star for the nits. It's not permanent, though. If you let me know you've made the corrections (not accepted the suggestions, those are yours to decide about), I'll return your star.
Here are some specifics:
and then Gran said, "You probably [Need to bring this up to the previous line.]
So now, don't live your future wishing you had handled it differently." [I understand what the wise Gran meant, but is ambiguous. It could mean either the past or the future. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe she meant: "So now, don't live your future so that, WHEN YOU LOOK BACK, you'll wish you had handled it differently. I'm sure you can find a better way to put it, but I think it's what Gran meant. If not, I've wasted a heckova lot of space for my awkward gaff.]
to keep their son from a football scholarship," she had said. [Since you referred to mother and father in the first part, you shouldn't end with "she" had said. It could be "his mother" had said. That would work.
The guilt, sometimes, laid heavily on his shoulders. [The guilt, sometimes, LAY heavily on his shoulders. LAID means someone PHYSICALLY PLACED it on his shoulders.]
" Good holy crap!", she breathed. [You should never use an action for a speech tag. She can't "say" and "breath" something at the same time. Much better to use said, or thought.]
Two years later and she and Zoey were sprinting [Is your time-frame right? You said four years after Syd was pregnant Joe was playing football. Now it's two years after that ... which meant that Joe maintained his eligibility for a long time.]
Long about graduation this gets a tad confusing. Both are graduating, Syd after 4 years, Joe after 6 years, but unless I missed it you never mentioned that Joe even knew they were both at the same college until she called him.
What seems to have happened is toward the end you crammed too many activities in just a few paragraphs. Zoey's leaving with her dad and stepmom seemed to have a casual--oh well!--attitude about it. Actions were rushed and therefore not motivated. In my opinion this should have been a novel, not a short story.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Good story, but I don't like stories without dialog. I know you don't use it, but I think your writing would be better if you did.
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Good story, but I don't like stories without dialog. I know you don't use it, but I think your writing would be better if you did.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
Comment from Alex Rosel
Sydney called her grandma at 2:00A.M. She had to talk to her. It took twenty minutes to drive to Gran's house after their short conversation. - A good first paragraph. It's likely to intrigue.
I like how you shift scenes and timelines with the second paragraph. Shifting keeps the reader on their toes. It helps to intrigue the reader and maintain the pace.
There was a long pause... and then Gran said - I nix the ellipse here, your text tells the reader there is a pause, you don't need to demonstrate it as well. Punctuation is used to format the exchange of information, not to be the part of the information itself.
He didn't return calls because his mother and father had packed up the family and moved. "In no way was some 'lying tramp' going to keep their son from a football scholarship," she had said. - Here she is ill-defined. You need his mother had said.
Sydney's father, had put in applications at eight schools to seek professorship in English Literature and Writing. - Typos: No comma after Sydney's father; and to seek aprofessorship.
His job at U.C.L.A. was no longer fulfilling and they wanted Zoey to have more of a midwest upbringing. - Don't assume the reader knows who Zoey is. I haven't got a clue who she is. I guess she's Sydney's daughter.
Their lives lived out in slow motion - Good imagery :-)
The last paragraph is very evocative; sad, yet somehow uplifting with the promise of brightness to come.
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read, but in places I did get a bit confused. The passage about graduation and various people picking up gowns, and parents, and girlfriends picking up boyfriends. I'd look to rework that. Actually, the graduation, as far as I could tell, is irrelevant. Also, this piece is all telling /i> rather than showing. This isn't so critical for flash fiction, but nevertheless be aware of it. I enjoyed reading it. Well done, and good luck in the competition :-)
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Sydney called her grandma at 2:00A.M. She had to talk to her. It took twenty minutes to drive to Gran's house after their short conversation. - A good first paragraph. It's likely to intrigue.
I like how you shift scenes and timelines with the second paragraph. Shifting keeps the reader on their toes. It helps to intrigue the reader and maintain the pace.
There was a long pause... and then Gran said - I nix the ellipse here, your text tells the reader there is a pause, you don't need to demonstrate it as well. Punctuation is used to format the exchange of information, not to be the part of the information itself.
He didn't return calls because his mother and father had packed up the family and moved. "In no way was some 'lying tramp' going to keep their son from a football scholarship," she had said. - Here she is ill-defined. You need his mother had said.
Sydney's father, had put in applications at eight schools to seek professorship in English Literature and Writing. - Typos: No comma after Sydney's father; and to seek aprofessorship.
His job at U.C.L.A. was no longer fulfilling and they wanted Zoey to have more of a midwest upbringing. - Don't assume the reader knows who Zoey is. I haven't got a clue who she is. I guess she's Sydney's daughter.
Their lives lived out in slow motion - Good imagery :-)
The last paragraph is very evocative; sad, yet somehow uplifting with the promise of brightness to come.
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read, but in places I did get a bit confused. The passage about graduation and various people picking up gowns, and parents, and girlfriends picking up boyfriends. I'd look to rework that. Actually, the graduation, as far as I could tell, is irrelevant. Also, this piece is all telling /i> rather than showing. This isn't so critical for flash fiction, but nevertheless be aware of it. I enjoyed reading it. Well done, and good luck in the competition :-)
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
Comment from Nika2016
This kills me....She suffered raising her baby alone and now he shows and takes her? with his new wife? Where is universal justice? Where is karma? I hope he breaks a freakin leg in football...
yes..I liked the story.,.but jeez..
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This kills me....She suffered raising her baby alone and now he shows and takes her? with his new wife? Where is universal justice? Where is karma? I hope he breaks a freakin leg in football...
yes..I liked the story.,.but jeez..
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
Comment from jpduck
I thought this was a good, strong story. But I feel, perhaps, it was a little over-written and needs some editing down.
'Their lives lived out in slow motion in the running of a little girl to the father she never knew.' (Love it).
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'Sydney told her she was pregnant. There was a long pause...' (Delete the line-break after this as there should not be a new paragraph here).
'[So now,]*But* don't live your future wishing you had handled it differently' (I think this sounds closer to what I believe you mean).
'He was to be a father at age 17.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'Sydney now felt justified in her decision to keep her child,' (Insert a space after the comma).
'The guilt, sometimes, [laid]*lay* heavily on his shoulders'
'Sydney saw a group of guys running in front of her.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'It killed her [to] not *to* get to see him' (Split infinitive).
Adrian
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I thought this was a good, strong story. But I feel, perhaps, it was a little over-written and needs some editing down.
'Their lives lived out in slow motion in the running of a little girl to the father she never knew.' (Love it).
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'Sydney told her she was pregnant. There was a long pause...' (Delete the line-break after this as there should not be a new paragraph here).
'[So now,]*But* don't live your future wishing you had handled it differently' (I think this sounds closer to what I believe you mean).
'He was to be a father at age 17.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'Sydney now felt justified in her decision to keep her child,' (Insert a space after the comma).
'The guilt, sometimes, [laid]*lay* heavily on his shoulders'
'Sydney saw a group of guys running in front of her.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'It killed her [to] not *to* get to see him' (Split infinitive).
Adrian
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
Comment from oliver818
Nice story. Very sad but then a start crossed lovers contest entry is supposed to be sad I suppose. Good luck for the contest and thanks for sharing!
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Nice story. Very sad but then a start crossed lovers contest entry is supposed to be sad I suppose. Good luck for the contest and thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly. It is very well penned and a thoroughly engaging read. I like the way in which you tie everything together by linking the opening to the ending - nice touch. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly. It is very well penned and a thoroughly engaging read. I like the way in which you tie everything together by linking the opening to the ending - nice touch. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
Comment from Heather Knight
I have enjoyed reading your story very much. It reminded me of a song I love called There Goes My Life. It's also about a teen pregnancy but the outcome is very different.
Thanks for sharing.
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I have enjoyed reading your story very much. It reminded me of a song I love called There Goes My Life. It's also about a teen pregnancy but the outcome is very different.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
Comment from mfowler
Your story has a lovely narrative arc commencing with Syd's grandmother's advice and on through time to when Syd lets go of Zoey and allows her to be with Joe and Bren in Miami.
Your story is indeed about star crossed lovers, at least for a while, but the outcome is still the same. They don't end up together. But, they do end up with something precious, Zoey.
It took time to put the pieces together but in the end Syd makes the choices she wishes and everybody is at least partly happy. Your conclusion is great in that Syd is now described as being: alone for the first time in her life. She had no more responsibilities, no more secrets, no more sadness, and no more lost battles.
That's now taken your key character and shown the devlopment she's made through the trials of being a single mother at a young age.
I liked the level of emotion you developed throughout. It was important to maintain that as this is an extremely emotional experience being described.
I would suggest using time breaks (ie ***) or introducing time switches at the beginning of each new period as I found it quite confusing towards the end as Zoey seems to suddenly grow from childhood to a much older age. Even giving a sense of her changing age would help a lot.
I've made a couple of suggestions below which might well be worth considering:
" Good holy crap!", she breathed. ... punctuation needs a few fixes here: "God ... holy crap!" She breathed.
I'm thinking this must be more like you meant as she's very shocked to see Jack. 'She breathed isn't a speech tag so it should be separated into a short action via a sentence.
A woman was driving, of course. ... I'd leave the 'of course' off as this implies a sudden change of Point of View from the author. Till now you've been a detached third person storyteller. But in that moment of sarcasm you enter Syd's head and write as if she holds the major point of view. Worth think about.
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Your story has a lovely narrative arc commencing with Syd's grandmother's advice and on through time to when Syd lets go of Zoey and allows her to be with Joe and Bren in Miami.
Your story is indeed about star crossed lovers, at least for a while, but the outcome is still the same. They don't end up together. But, they do end up with something precious, Zoey.
It took time to put the pieces together but in the end Syd makes the choices she wishes and everybody is at least partly happy. Your conclusion is great in that Syd is now described as being: alone for the first time in her life. She had no more responsibilities, no more secrets, no more sadness, and no more lost battles.
That's now taken your key character and shown the devlopment she's made through the trials of being a single mother at a young age.
I liked the level of emotion you developed throughout. It was important to maintain that as this is an extremely emotional experience being described.
I would suggest using time breaks (ie ***) or introducing time switches at the beginning of each new period as I found it quite confusing towards the end as Zoey seems to suddenly grow from childhood to a much older age. Even giving a sense of her changing age would help a lot.
I've made a couple of suggestions below which might well be worth considering:
" Good holy crap!", she breathed. ... punctuation needs a few fixes here: "God ... holy crap!" She breathed.
I'm thinking this must be more like you meant as she's very shocked to see Jack. 'She breathed isn't a speech tag so it should be separated into a short action via a sentence.
A woman was driving, of course. ... I'd leave the 'of course' off as this implies a sudden change of Point of View from the author. Till now you've been a detached third person storyteller. But in that moment of sarcasm you enter Syd's head and write as if she holds the major point of view. Worth think about.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
Comment from Mark Valentine
I shall bite my lip about Ohio State and stick to commenting upon this lovely story. I think I've mentioned that I used to be a therapist. Often, when I read your sdtories, I come upon a nugget that I wish I had in my repetoire back then. "Don't live your future widhing you had handled it differently" - what great advice, especially for those who wished they'd have lived there pasts differently.
Your endings are never formulaic - always a bit different from what the reader thinks they're going to be.
OK, back to Ohio State for a second. My prediction is that, just like back in the day, the winner of the Michigan - OSU game this year will be national champion. So not only do you have the Cubs to keep your spirits up, you'll have your beloved Buckeyes.
Be well - I continue to keep you in my prayers my friend.
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I shall bite my lip about Ohio State and stick to commenting upon this lovely story. I think I've mentioned that I used to be a therapist. Often, when I read your sdtories, I come upon a nugget that I wish I had in my repetoire back then. "Don't live your future widhing you had handled it differently" - what great advice, especially for those who wished they'd have lived there pasts differently.
Your endings are never formulaic - always a bit different from what the reader thinks they're going to be.
OK, back to Ohio State for a second. My prediction is that, just like back in the day, the winner of the Michigan - OSU game this year will be national champion. So not only do you have the Cubs to keep your spirits up, you'll have your beloved Buckeyes.
Be well - I continue to keep you in my prayers my friend.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
