Eye Remember
Are transplants safe?25 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
This is a very good story for the contest, all the more so because of your author's note. Clearly and sensitively written with uplifting content. Best of luck in the contest. Marilyn
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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This is a very good story for the contest, all the more so because of your author's note. Clearly and sensitively written with uplifting content. Best of luck in the contest. Marilyn
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I would have loved to make this a more descriptive story if the word limit allowed. It needs more action and more life scenes. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from papa55mike
It may be just a story but it's very well written with a very spooky ending. This is the third or fourth one of these I've read today and this one is the best. I wish I had a six for you. Good luck in the contest. Have a great day and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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It may be just a story but it's very well written with a very spooky ending. This is the third or fourth one of these I've read today and this one is the best. I wish I had a six for you. Good luck in the contest. Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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Thank you, Milke. I appreciate your input on the writing. I sure would have loved to add more but was limited.
Comment from Heidi M
This is a very good story written out of tragedy in your own life. Your descriptions are excellent; you captured his excitement at being able to see colors. I know you were restricted by word count for this flash fiction, but I would love to see you develop this into a (longer) short story.
For your consideration: Drop "to be" out of your opening sentence. It is superfluous. Without it, your sentence has more 'punch'.
I noticed a change in tenses. For example: Johnny touches his mother's face; he rattled off questions; Dad asked. Perhaps change touches to touches? Or else change rattled to rattles, and asked to asks. This way it will be consistent.
I thought your flash fiction was clever and I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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This is a very good story written out of tragedy in your own life. Your descriptions are excellent; you captured his excitement at being able to see colors. I know you were restricted by word count for this flash fiction, but I would love to see you develop this into a (longer) short story.
For your consideration: Drop "to be" out of your opening sentence. It is superfluous. Without it, your sentence has more 'punch'.
I noticed a change in tenses. For example: Johnny touches his mother's face; he rattled off questions; Dad asked. Perhaps change touches to touches? Or else change rattled to rattles, and asked to asks. This way it will be consistent.
I thought your flash fiction was clever and I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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Thank you. Thanks for the tips. I went back over this but I missed the change in tenses there. So glad you caught it for me. Reviewers like you are so much help.
Comment from Kooky Clown
I enjoyed this and found it quite moving I am not sure if they can transplant eyes I have never heard of it but they transplant all kinds of things now so maybe they can regardless a very good write and story.
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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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I enjoyed this and found it quite moving I am not sure if they can transplant eyes I have never heard of it but they transplant all kinds of things now so maybe they can regardless a very good write and story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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Thank you. Yes, I did hear of and eye transplant. Actually, it gave me the idea for this story. I never did find out if it worked or not. I don't see why they can't do this with modern medicine.
Comment from Alex Rosel
Today is to be the beginning of a new life for Johnny--hopefully. - A great first sentence. It intrigues.
The first paragraph is well crafted. It drip feeds information to the reader.
Then his mother's beautiful face swims out of the mist, smiling down at him. There are tears in her lovely eyes. - There's a slight continuity issue here. Until his mother speaks, how would he know it was her face. Granted, she may have been talking to Johnny before the story starts, but the reader doesn't know that. Even with a third person, Omniscient POV, is still appears disjointed to me. I'd have her asking the question before this sentence.
Her voice is trembling with emotion and sounds water logged. - I'm not sure what a waterlogged voice sounds like :-(
She seems familiar to Johnny in some strange way but there's no way he could ever have 'seen' her before - Typo? Since he is seeing her now.
"Probably a reporter wanting to know if the eye transplant was successful - Good. You kept the eye transplant detail hidden from the reader until now :-)
The red and gold in sunsets and sunrises took his breath away. Clouds sailing across an azure sky could hold his attention for hours. - Nice imagery. Very appropriate given the story line :-)
It was autumn and the vivid orange, red, gold, and yellow of the trees seemed to call his name. - Ditto.
Johnny buried his face in his mud covered hands and wept. He vowed to find the boy's mother and deliver the message if it was the last thing he ever did. Johnny did indeed have a debt to pay. - Gentle conclusion. with a twist that takes a bit of thinking to arrive at.
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read. The prose flow nicely. I'd have aimed to make the twist more obvious, but that's a subjective style call. I enjoyed reading it. Well done, and good luck in the competition.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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Today is to be the beginning of a new life for Johnny--hopefully. - A great first sentence. It intrigues.
The first paragraph is well crafted. It drip feeds information to the reader.
Then his mother's beautiful face swims out of the mist, smiling down at him. There are tears in her lovely eyes. - There's a slight continuity issue here. Until his mother speaks, how would he know it was her face. Granted, she may have been talking to Johnny before the story starts, but the reader doesn't know that. Even with a third person, Omniscient POV, is still appears disjointed to me. I'd have her asking the question before this sentence.
Her voice is trembling with emotion and sounds water logged. - I'm not sure what a waterlogged voice sounds like :-(
She seems familiar to Johnny in some strange way but there's no way he could ever have 'seen' her before - Typo? Since he is seeing her now.
"Probably a reporter wanting to know if the eye transplant was successful - Good. You kept the eye transplant detail hidden from the reader until now :-)
The red and gold in sunsets and sunrises took his breath away. Clouds sailing across an azure sky could hold his attention for hours. - Nice imagery. Very appropriate given the story line :-)
It was autumn and the vivid orange, red, gold, and yellow of the trees seemed to call his name. - Ditto.
Johnny buried his face in his mud covered hands and wept. He vowed to find the boy's mother and deliver the message if it was the last thing he ever did. Johnny did indeed have a debt to pay. - Gentle conclusion. with a twist that takes a bit of thinking to arrive at.
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read. The prose flow nicely. I'd have aimed to make the twist more obvious, but that's a subjective style call. I enjoyed reading it. Well done, and good luck in the competition.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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Thank you for the great tips and comments on the story. Your approval of this story means a lot to me. I may change the mother part and I have a couple of the tenses wrong.
